Victoria Noe
Thanks for joining me here. I’m Victoria Noe. I came to writing rather late in life. In fact, it’s my fourth career.
I moved to Chicago in 1977 after grad school to work in the vibrant Off-Loop theatre movement as a director, stage manager and administrator. By the mid 1980s, I’d segued into fundraising, writing grants and creating special events for arts, social service and AIDS organizations.
In the spring of 2006, I was deep into my third career as an educational sales rep to Chicago Public Schools, a business that allowed me the flexibility I needed after our daughter was born in 1994. At a coffeehouse around the corner from her school, over our usual green teas, I told my friend Delle Chatman that I had an idea for a book: stories of people who were grieving the death of a friend. As always she was supportive and enthusiastic, despite the fact that I’d never written a book before. She was also in remission from ovarian cancer. Six months after that conversation, she died.
It took a while to keep my promise. Now and then I’d hear her voice: “You wouldn’t have to worry about that if you’d write the damn book.” After a few false starts, I finally got serious in 2009, after a concussion ended my sales career. It was a steep learning curve, but I loved interviewing people who wanted nothing more than to honor friends whose lives impacted their own. I broke up the book into a series of six small ones, which became the Friend Grief series. At the time the first ones were published in 2013, there was little written about this kind of grief. The response was gratifying, and I assumed when the series finished that my writing career would be over. I was wrong.
I ran into Tracy Baim, publisher of Windy City Times, Chicago’s weekly LGBT paper, in the summer of 2011. To honor the 30th anniversary of the AIDS epidemic, she was running weekly essays from people in the community. She asked me to write one, too, about my experiences in the late 1980s-early 1990s. I was skeptical about whether I would even remember much; I’d burned out in 1994 when our daughter was born. But again, I was wrong. As soon as I sat down at the computer, the memories surged along with the emotions: loss, frustration, rage. That’s when I knew one of the books in the series would be about friends lost to AIDS.
That book brought me back to the AIDS community, not as a fundraiser this time, but a writer and activist. I soon found myself joining ACT UP/NY and participating in actions. My essay, “Long Term Survivor”, about those of us who lived through the dark, early days of the epidemic, won the 2015 Christopher Hewitt Award. I began writing and speaking about the emotional challenges faced by long-term survivors. But I still believed my writing career was winding down.
After listening to a panel presentation by the women of ACT UP/NY in 2015, I realized that the extensive literature of the AIDS epidemic ignored the accomplishments of women. And though some have acknowledged the critical involvement of lesbians, especially in the early years, none had focused on straight women. So, I went back to work.
In 2019, Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community gave long-overdue recognition to women around the world who have changed the course of hte epidemic, largely in obscurity. Like my other books, it was built on a solid base of personal interviews and archival research. And it forced me to tell my own story, too. It has been one of the great joys of my life to introduce these women to the world. Look for an second edition in September, 2025!
In late 2020, I started on a new book. I thought it would be a reworking and updating of the Friend Grief series, adding a few stories about COVID. But it evolved into a book just about people grieving friends lost during - but not only as a result of - COVID. What Our Friends Left Behind: Grief and Laughter in a Pandemic was released in September, 2023.
In addition to ACT UP/NY, I’m a member of Alliance of Independent Authors and Chicago Writers Association.
As I said, this is my fourth career. Will there be a fifth? Will I write more books? Or both? If you’re curious, join my Patreon group for all the latest on what I'm doing. If you prefer, sign up for my mailing list or follow me on Facebook. I promise whatever it is, it won’t be boring.
Thanks again for joining me here!
Blog Categories
- women's history
- AIDS
- HIV
- Friend Grief
- Friendship
- Grief
- Celebrity deaths
- grieving styles
- aging
- grieving
- George Harrison
- The Concert for George
- Names Project
- Disenfranchised grief
- Kenneth Doka
- “Family Ties”
- friends
- 9/11
- bereavement
- Valentine's Day
- Eric Clapton
- Facebook memorials
- men's grief
- Big Chill
- Delle Chatman
- Slides
- friendgrief
- cumulative grief
- Dying Matters
- end-of-life decisions
- Kathleen Pooler
- intuitive grieving
- survivor guilt
- gay community
- Longtime Companion
- grief support
- public grief
- Aurora Winter
- Elizabeth Taylor
- life stories
- online grief support
- StoryCorps
- Everybody's Talking About Surprises
- Kristina McMorris
- mass blogging day
- Caring Bridge
- FDNY
- Rudy Giuliani
- eulogies
- Fr. Mychal Judge
- father’s day
- types of grievers
- Memorial Day
- military
- WW2
- hospice
- Osama bin Laden
- September 11
- closure
- World Trade Center
- Chicago
- Windy City Times
- National Day of Service
- online grieving
- Paul McCartney
- Kristie West
- Beatles
- signs from beyond
- writing
- International Friendship Day
- 30-Day Challenge
- 9/11 Memorial
- Amy Dickinson
- grief blogs
- grief websites
- social media day
- Mesirow
- anger
- workplace grief
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
- stages of grief
- National Ovarian Cancer Coalition
- ovarian cancer
- Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month
- Ovarian Cancer Symptom Awareness
- Marines
- Medal of Honor
- Sgt. Dakota Meyer
- Winnie the Pooh
- 10th anniversary of 9/11
- Ground Zero
- British Gardens
- Damon DiMarco
- Tower Stories
- 110 Stories
- “The Guys”
- genealogy
- Story Corps
- Voices of September 11
- hurricane Irene
- Death Café
- Uncategorized
- Eric Zorn
- friendships
- John Lennon
- Grief Speaks
- Lisa Athan
- “Living in the Material World”
- funeral arrangements
- Carol Marin
- Mary Schmich
- Steve Daley
- anger and grief
- 50/50 movie
- Steve Jobs
- Mychal’s Message
- New Year’s resolutions
- Mary Tyler Moore
- holidays
- The Big Chill
- complicated grief
- Michael J. Fox
- “The Lives They Lived”
- New York Times
- World AIDS Day
- Davy Jones
- girlfriends
- Deanna Watson
- Nick Gholson
- Jeff Zaslow
- boomers
- Glenn Wright
- House of Spoof Collective
- If I Die
- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
- baby boomers
- Porter Anderson
- The Good Men Project
- Writing on the Ether
- Small Actions Big Difference
- Huffington Post
- Sayan Sarkar
- guys research
- Live For The Moment
- The Fall Gallery
- University of British Columbia
- grief and guilt
- end of life
- grief and anger
- bucket list
- The Buried Life
- "50/50"
- ACT UP
- LGBTQ
- ADEC
- ADEC12
- APA
- depression
- DSM-5
- Dan Wheldon
- Christopher Meeks
- HuffPost50
- caregiving
- compassion fatigue
- McKnights Long Term Care
- Patricia Smith
- Tracey Carruthers
- Coach Carruthers
- loss
- virtualdavis
- Google+
- Cup of Joe for a Joe
- Green Beans Coffee
- social media
- virtual friends
- instrumental grieving
- first responders
- nuns
- Dr. Beth Erickson
- Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
- Anna Quindlen
- memoir
- Plenty of Cake
- Justyna Palka
- Karl Sprague
- The Short Distance
- Jeanne Veillette Bowerman
- Ramblings of a Recovered Insecureaholic
- Slavery by Another Name
- Hospice of the Valley
- Legacy.com
- Marty Tousley
- Aurora
- shootings
- high school
- reunions
- AIDS Quilt
- birthdays
- Creativity and Crisis
- Smithsonian Folkways Festival
- regret
- Fr. Michael Duffy
- Franciscans
- Connie Ragen Green
- denial
- United in Anger
- Ringo Starr
- Gigaom
- Matthew Ingram
- blog
- Day of the Dead
- Elton John
- Elton John AIDS Foundation
- Love is the Cure
- Ryan White
- How to Survive a Plague
- Baylor University
- cancer
- Christopher Hitchens
- Mortality
- Pam Sherman
- Suburban Outlaw
- Tony Scott
- Boston marathon. terrorism
- senior citizens
- women
- writing group
- veterans
- 60 Minutes
- suicide
- The Life and Death of Clay Hunt
- anticipatory grief
- Mary Ellen McGarry
- memorial services
- blame
- US Navy
- death
- Marcus Luttrell
- firefighters
- self-care
- Genevieve Creighton
- Whistler
- Newtown
- medical personnel
- performing artists
- Catholic
- rituals
- Evanston
- Five Wishes
- internet
- R.I.P. trolls
- tribute pages
- memories
- dying
- Jon Underwood
- PTSD
- living wills
- Nelson Mandela
- wills
- Pride Parade
- Belgrade
- Jelena Gencic
- Novak Djokovic
- tennis
- Wimbledon
- AIDS@30
- Jim Eigo
- Peter Staley
- Spencer Cox
- William Lucas Walker
- Book Expo America
- Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS
- Gay Pride Month
- HBO
- Sebastian Junger
- Tim Hetherington
- Which Way is the Front Line From Here?
- Hadiya Pendleton
- Our House
- Friend Grief and AIDS
- The Last One
- Audrey Tautou
- Delicacy
- funerals
- ThrowbackThursday
- Chicago Tribune
- Metropolis Coffee
- Dallas Buyers Club
- Jared Leto
- Matthew McConnaughey
- Afghanistan
- William Swenson
- Glencoe
- music
- National Suicide Awareness Month
- Stop Soldier Suicide
- New York City
- NYPD
- Audrey Pellicano
- Madeline Sharples
- storytelling
- Idina Menzel
- If/Then
- #BEA14
- Author Hub
- Friend Grief and the Military
- NYC
- self-publishing
- BGSQD
- moral injury
- Army
- Captain Jennifer Moreno
- Kyle White
- CAPS
- Printers Row Lit Fest
- Arthur M. Fischman
- Meryl Ain
- Stewart Ain
- The Living Memories Project
- American Women Veterans
- Chicagoland Authors Promoting Success
- National Veterans Art Museum
- grief police
- mourning
- corpsmen
- medics
- hierarchy of grief
- Sean Strub
- Carole King
- Harold Ramis
- Philip Seymour Hoffman
- guilt
- Housing Works
- battle buddies
- Veterans Day
- CHANGES
- Sally Ember
- Friend Grief and 9/11
- Friend Grief and Anger
- Friend Grief in the Workplace
- In Print Writers
- Rockford
- LA Law
- GMHC
- Perry Halkitis
- Queen Elizabeth II Memorial Gardens
- writing about grief
- Robin Williams
- Writers Digest Conference
- classmates
- Nerinx Hall
- Sisters of Loretto
- St. Louis
- business
- Brendan O'Connell
- Capital Fringe Festival
- theatre
- friendship friend grief
- health
- LGBT
- Chicago theatre
- Fred Eberle
- Laurel Cronin
- Brain Injury Awareness Week
- concussion
- TBI
- The Red Pump Project
- women and AIDS
- Women and GIrls' HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
- Leonard Nimoy
- Mr. Spock
- Star Trek
- nonfiction
- Rebecca Bricker
- Tales from Tavanti
- Nicholas Kristof
- shaming
- Pierre Jalbert
- Combat
- St. Louis Cardinals
- Dan Blank
- Gabriela Pereira
- Libraries Illinois Conference
- Charlie Sheen
- Paris attacks
- Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes
- Josephine Stewart
- David Bowie
- Vanessa Hudgens
- Grammy's
- Joe Biden
- Mark Liebenow
- Women's History Month
- Nancy Duncan
- Planned Parenthood
- Andrea Johnson
- Indie authors
- Writing conferences
- Military Outreach USA
- Orlando
- Pulse
- Grantchester
- Al Katkowsky
- George Davis
- Women & Children First
- Ghalala Khan
- Divas and Moms
- Fag Hags
- teaching
- Chicago Public Library
- Evergreen Park Public Library
- Indie Author Day
- Library Journal
- Villa Park Public Library
- baseball
- Jose Fernandez
- Miami Marlins
- straight women
- Hallmark Channel
- AIDSWatch
- editing
- authors
- books
- writers
- CarePartners
- CareTeams
- Trudy James
- AIDS/Lifecycle
- Bank of America
- Susan Freed
- interviewing
- Rebecca Skloot
- public speaking
- The Muse and the Marketplace
- HIV Long-Term Survivors Awareness Day
- Gays Against Guns
- research
- Hamilton
- marketing
- Jessica Cage
- Oswego
- Penned Con
- Success
- Las Vegas
- Librarians
- Libraries
- terrorist attacks
- holiday gifts
- Luvvie Ajayi
- Nasty Women
- Pat McKinzie
- Jeremy McCarter
- John McPhee
- Lin-Manuel Miranda
- Rania Zeithar
- word of the year
- Gus Kenworthy
- Pip Kenworthy
- Winter Olympics
- Paul Bauer
- Police
- Rachel Maddow
- Rebecca Makkai
- The Great Believers
- Alliance of Independent Authors
- Build Book Buzz
- Big Gay Ice Cream
- Bosie Tea Parlor
- IndieLab
- PenAmerica
- To Absent Friends
- Savoy Hotel
- Bonaventure House
- Armistead Maupin
- binge-reading
- Tales of the City
- Peter Tork
- Andrew Velez
- A&U Magazine
- TPAN
- Stonewall Inn
- Nursing
- US Conference on AIDS
- Carol D. Marsh
- Nurses on the Inside
- Remaking a Life
- Taking Turns
- COVID-19
- coronavirus
- CALOR
- Rosa E. Martinez-Colon
- Krishna Stone
- #PublishingPaidMe