Blog
Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes
A Grand Slam for a Friend
Sep 28, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Jose Fernandez - ESPN.com
Anyone who’s a baseball fan – and probably a lot who aren’t – heard about the tragic death of Miami Marlins star pitcher, Jose Fernandez. The 24 year old died along with two other men in a boating accident Saturday night.
I couldn’t help but think of the 2002 death of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Daryl Kile, who died of a heart attack during a road trip in Chicago. His was the first death of a major league player during the regular season since Yankee great Thurman Munson died in a plane crash in 1979.
I wrote about Kile and his teammates’ reactions to his death – both immediately and long-term – in my book...
Anyone who’s a baseball fan – and probably a lot who aren’t – heard about the tragic death of Miami Marlins star pitcher, Jose Fernandez. The 24 year old died along with two other men in a boating accident Saturday night.
I couldn’t help but think of the 2002 death of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Daryl Kile, who died of a heart attack during a road trip in Chicago. His was the first death of a major league player during the regular season since Yankee great Thurman Munson died in a plane crash in 1979.
I wrote about Kile and his teammates’ reactions to his death – both immediately and long-term – in my book...
The Kindness of Strangers
Aug 23, 2016 by Victoria Noe
picturequotes.com
Writing is as solitary a profession as anyone can imagine: just you and your pen/paper/computer/typewriter. But no one, no matter how good they are, truly does it alone.
I knew when I started writing that I would have to ask for help. Normally, I like figuring things out on my own, but this was different. The publishing world was changing so fast that it was mind-numbing. It still is. So I risked looking stupid – though I was – and asked questions. A lot of questions. Sometimes I was embarrassed to ask but I did anyway (thank God for email so I didn’t have to look them in the eye).
I am constantly amazed by the willingness of...
Writing is as solitary a profession as anyone can imagine: just you and your pen/paper/computer/typewriter. But no one, no matter how good they are, truly does it alone.
I knew when I started writing that I would have to ask for help. Normally, I like figuring things out on my own, but this was different. The publishing world was changing so fast that it was mind-numbing. It still is. So I risked looking stupid – though I was – and asked questions. A lot of questions. Sometimes I was embarrassed to ask but I did anyway (thank God for email so I didn’t have to look them in the eye).
I am constantly amazed by the willingness of...
Honoring Friends in Many Ways
Jul 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
One of the questions many of the people in the Friend Grief books have struggled to answer is, “How do I remember them?” We want to be sure that even for those who never met our friend, that they will somehow appreciate that they walked the earth.
The people I interviewed found many ways to do that: One man helped start a foundation to cover costs related to medical treatment (hotel stays for family members, parking, supplies, etc.). Two women started a nonprofit to help the homeless, continuing their friend's work. One kept a stack of holy cards in his desk, one for each coworker who died on 9/11. One started an organization to help prevent deaths like his friend’s. Some...
The people I interviewed found many ways to do that: One man helped start a foundation to cover costs related to medical treatment (hotel stays for family members, parking, supplies, etc.). Two women started a nonprofit to help the homeless, continuing their friend's work. One kept a stack of holy cards in his desk, one for each coworker who died on 9/11. One started an organization to help prevent deaths like his friend’s. Some...
Friend Grief Events - August
Jul 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
If you subscribe to my newsletter (and you can do that on the right-hand side of this page), this will be old news. If not, there’s a lot going on:
August 4 – I’m doing a reading and signing of my latest book Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes at Bureau of General Services/Queer Division bookstore, in the LGBT Center in New York. I’m focusing on the most talked-about chapter in the book, comparing military veterans to long-term survivors in the AIDS community. Joining me is fellow ACT UP/NY member Jim Eigo, whose story is included. That book and Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends will be available for purchase.
August 7 – Three of my books (Friend...
August 4 – I’m doing a reading and signing of my latest book Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes at Bureau of General Services/Queer Division bookstore, in the LGBT Center in New York. I’m focusing on the most talked-about chapter in the book, comparing military veterans to long-term survivors in the AIDS community. Joining me is fellow ACT UP/NY member Jim Eigo, whose story is included. That book and Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends will be available for purchase.
August 7 – Three of my books (Friend...
Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes
May 31, 2016 by Victoria Noe
It’s here, finally, the last book in the Friend Grief series.
As I've said before, when I started this journey I believed that men would be difficult interviews. I worried that most of those I interviewed would have to be women. I was wrong on both counts. Tomorrow, June 1, is publication day for Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
I wanted to share an excerpt from the book here, but I was conflicted. Should I share the story of the friendship between two Chicago Tribune sports reporters? The three actors? Should I share a little from the chapter I’m most proud of, the one comparing military veterans and long-term survivors in the AIDS community?
In the end, I decided to share the dedication...
As I've said before, when I started this journey I believed that men would be difficult interviews. I worried that most of those I interviewed would have to be women. I was wrong on both counts. Tomorrow, June 1, is publication day for Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
I wanted to share an excerpt from the book here, but I was conflicted. Should I share the story of the friendship between two Chicago Tribune sports reporters? The three actors? Should I share a little from the chapter I’m most proud of, the one comparing military veterans and long-term survivors in the AIDS community?
In the end, I decided to share the dedication...
6 Things I Learned Writing the Friend Grief Books
May 03, 2016 by Victoria Noe
As the Friend Grief series comes to a close, I started feeling a little pensive. It’s been a remarkable journey I could have never predicted, much less planned. So I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned, one thing for each book from last to first:
Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes. I began interviewing men secure in my sexist view that getting stories out of men would be like pulling teeth. I was wrong. So wrong. Incredibly wrong. None of the men I interviewed clammed up, though a couple were slow to open up. Some wanted to be interviewed. Some wanted to be interviewed a second time. All wanted to share...
The End. But Not The End.
Apr 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
There it is. Yeah, the cover of the final book in the Friend Grief series.
Do I like it? Oh, yeah, I like it a lot. My cover designer (Rebecca Swift) never steers me wrong.
But still...it's the last one. It's the last book in the series. I'm about to hit "send" on the final edits, so next week it goes to the formatter. I had planned on it coming out this month, but the universe conspired against me. It'll be out in early May.
The end of the series does not mean the end of my weekly blog. Not by a long shot. I still have plenty to say about grieving the death of a friend. And to be honest, it's not...
Do I like it? Oh, yeah, I like it a lot. My cover designer (Rebecca Swift) never steers me wrong.
But still...it's the last one. It's the last book in the series. I'm about to hit "send" on the final edits, so next week it goes to the formatter. I had planned on it coming out this month, but the universe conspired against me. It'll be out in early May.
The end of the series does not mean the end of my weekly blog. Not by a long shot. I still have plenty to say about grieving the death of a friend. And to be honest, it's not...
Working on Two Books at Once
Apr 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
winghill.com
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
Men Need a Language to Grieve
Apr 12, 2016 by Victoria Noe
The late Steve Montador, whose suicide inspired his friend.
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
Finishing Up Friend Grief
Apr 05, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Jim Eigo, one of the men in the final Friend Grief book
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
"He's A Man"
Feb 23, 2016 by Victoria Noe
worldtraveltribe.com
Vice President Joe Biden has long been known as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Sometimes that results in public statements that are uncensored. You rarely get the feeling with him that his speeches are canned, rehearsed, carefully vetted. That can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your politics.
Author Mark Liebenow wrote recently about why Biden’s public grief about his son was important. Of the five reasons he gave, the first was of great interest to me:
“He’s a man.”
The final book in the Friend Grief series comes out in April. Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes will introduce you to a lot of guys like Joe Biden. They are a wide...
Vice President Joe Biden has long been known as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Sometimes that results in public statements that are uncensored. You rarely get the feeling with him that his speeches are canned, rehearsed, carefully vetted. That can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your politics.
Author Mark Liebenow wrote recently about why Biden’s public grief about his son was important. Of the five reasons he gave, the first was of great interest to me:
“He’s a man.”
The final book in the Friend Grief series comes out in April. Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes will introduce you to a lot of guys like Joe Biden. They are a wide...
Time for an Update!
Jan 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
It’s time for a bit of an update:
First, I’ve set a tentative release date of April 12 for the final book in my series, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes. I’m very pleased with the way it’s shaping up and I think you will be, too. If you subscribe to my weekly newsletter, you’re eligible to receive a free copy. Just sign up in the upper right hand corner of this page.
Once that’s released, the entire Friend Grief series of six books will be available in a bundle.
I have two events coming up in February. In Chicago I’ll be presenting “Public Speaking for Shy Authors” for the Chicago Self-Publishing Meetup Group. I’m also one of the speakers for “The Library...
Putting 2015 to Bed
Dec 22, 2015 by Victoria Noe
batangamedia.com
In the newspaper world, “putting to bed” means finishing something and moving on to the next level. Today is my final blog post of 2015, so I thought it was appropriate to put the year to bed and look ahead, too.
You probably make a list of resolutions each New Year’s, only to realize the list is largely undone by the time Christmas rolls around again. I know that’s true for me. Sometimes we’re overly optimistic; sometimes we’re delusional. And sometimes life just gets in the way.
This year marked a few serious changes of direction, most of them planned and thought-out. I committed to changes in my marketing: increased public speaking and more deliberate involvement in the...
In the newspaper world, “putting to bed” means finishing something and moving on to the next level. Today is my final blog post of 2015, so I thought it was appropriate to put the year to bed and look ahead, too.
You probably make a list of resolutions each New Year’s, only to realize the list is largely undone by the time Christmas rolls around again. I know that’s true for me. Sometimes we’re overly optimistic; sometimes we’re delusional. And sometimes life just gets in the way.
This year marked a few serious changes of direction, most of them planned and thought-out. I committed to changes in my marketing: increased public speaking and more deliberate involvement in the...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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