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anger and grief
Should You Send Flowers to a Dying Friend?
Jul 10, 2014 by Victoria Noe
You know what it’s like.You’ve had friends who were dying and refused visitors. Maybe they were overwhelmed, depressed, scared, determined to face their fate alone. Maybe they’d lost a lot of weight and didn’t want anyone to see them ‘like that’. Maybe they didn’t want to see ‘the look’: the facial expression that they interpret as pity.You’ve had friends who even refused to talk on the phone. Maybe talking was painful or difficult. Maybe their memories were shaky. Maybe they just weren’t prepared to talk about their illness with anyone.Those refusals are their right, although being on the other end hurts.You know your friend is dying – or suspect they are, because information is so sketchy. They’ve set very clear...
Anger, Condemnation and Philip Seymour Hoffman
Feb 06, 2014 by Victoria Noe
As I work on the next book in my series, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends, I’m immersed in stories of survivor guilt. Men and women are haunted for years about what they see as their failure to prevent the death of their friend, even if their friend died from suicide. Rarely is there a situation where that guilt is logically justified, but that doesn’t stop it from tearing people apart.Lately, the news is full of the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman from an apparent heroin overdose. I’ve heard very little from his friends in terms of survivor guilt. What I have heard should disturb us all.“He didn’t love his kids enough to stop using.”“Celebrities think nothing...
Friend Grief and Anger is Finally Here
Mar 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
After a number of fits and starts – too many to list, but including Mercury in retrograde – I’ve finally released the ebook version of the first book in my Friend Grief series (paperback version coming soon). Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damngrew from a conversation I had with my friend, Delle Chatman, in 2006. We were sitting in Metropolis, the coffee house we frequented, and she was in remission from ovarian cancer. An idea had been bouncing around my head, and though I was nervous, I told her I had an idea for a book to write. She was enthusiastic as always, and I promised her I’d do it.I guess it...
World AIDS Day 2012
Nov 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Despite the fact that my production schedule has been blown to hell, this week I managed to finish the first draft of the second book in the Friend Grief series: Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends.It’s not the book I thought it was going to be. Whether it is any good at what it is remains to be seen.But what came up time and again – as I re-read classic books by Randy Shilts and Larry Kramer and watched new documentaries on the history of ACT UP – was the frustration and anger that still exists today. And it exists because AIDS still exists.Even the victories have unintended consequences. The AIDS cocktail of drugs that has...
Friend Grief in Public
Jul 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Today’s headlines are a little close to home for me. My cousin is the city manager of Aurora, Colorado, where (at this writing) twelve people were murdered and dozens wounded in a shooting spree at the midnight showing of the new Batman movie. I haven’t heard from him yet, but I’m sure he’s up to his ears. A lifetime of experience can’t begin to prepare you for something this horrific.The way the media covers tragedies like this one can be debated for eternity. Often in crisis, news organizations shine. But too often, as hours turn into days, they give in to what they defend as ‘the public’s need to know’.Honestly, all the public needs to know are the facts, especially...
Remembering Friends: “Creativity and Crisis – Day 3
Jul 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’d intended to get to the Smithsonian Folkways Festival on the National Mall early today, to help unfold the Quilt. But 9:00am came and went, as the organizers discussed the advisability of displaying the Quilt in ever more oppressive heat. While they did, someone suggested I go to the Quilting Bee tent. That’s where panels were being made by volunteer quilters during the Festival. I was welcomed into the tent, and I did indeed unfold Quilt panels. But these were panels in various stages of completion.Each was different, as unique as the person they memorialized: Bible verses, song lyrics, photos, messages. The quilters used scraps of fabric, pens, colored thread and other materials to create each panel. I unfolded...
Remembering Friends: “Creativity and Crisis” – Day 2
Jul 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Names PerformersThe weather has certainly affected the crowds at the Smithsonian Folkways Festival. It bothered me to see such small audiences in the Red Hot tent when the Names Performers sang their hearts out. They were very, very good, and their rendition of “Rainbow Connection” made me tear up. Many people seemed to find the performances by accident, drawn by the music as they walked around the tent. But once there, they stayed, and applauded enthusiastically. The performers came from Atlanta and Chicago, some from Northwestern University, lured not just by the opportunity to be paid for their efforts, but to be part of something that is important to them all. Their director, David Bell, has been involved with...
Competing Over Grief
May 01, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Karl SpraguePlease welcome my friend, Karl Sprague, who has an important perspective on grieving a friend:It wasn’t the first time I’d canceled a meeting. I knew he was having some business challenges, but several other people needed my help that day. So I canceled. I sent an email apology, along with some available dates on my calendar for us to reschedule. I didn’t hear back right away, but figured we’d get back in touch soon. It happens all the time.Six days later I got a phone call from Anthony’s wife. He was dead. The circumstances were cloudy, and she gave little detail in our short conversation. Subsequent reports suggested it was a suicide. Anthony was my age, with two kids...
Dying Matters 2012
Apr 25, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Most people will do anything to avoid those end-of-life conversations. Who wants to talk about ‘extraordinary means’, much less who’s going to get your grandmother’s jewelry? But doing so when we are able to not just discuss these issues but make decisions is something important for us all.The Dying Matters Coalition was founded in London in 2009 “to support changing knowledge, attitudes and behaviours towards death, dying and bereavement, and through this to make ‘living and dying well’ the norm". It has 16,000 members (full disclosure: I’m one).May 14-20 is Dying Matters Awareness Week. You may see stories pop up on TV and the Internet that will personify this year’s theme “Small Actions, Big Differences”.It’s a great theme, because it...
Survivor Guilt
Apr 12, 2012 by Victoria Noe
St. Paul's Chapel near Ground ZeroPerhaps because I’m in New York right now, or because I’m re-visiting the 9/11 Memorial this evening, I had survivor guilt on my mind.This is a post from last year that looks at how guilt – and anger – complicate grief for your friend.In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people...
Blindsided by a Friend's Diagnosis
Apr 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A lot of presentations at the recent ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference had to do with end-of-life issues. One of those issues is notification: who is told about a patient’s diagnosis? How are their relationships affected by the news of impending death? I thought I’d revisit this post about how it feels to be blindsided, because you weren’t told your friend was dying. What would you do if you were in their place?We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”....
Reminders of Your Friends
Mar 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
It's just stuff, right?Since I wrote this post last year, I've paid a little more attention to "stuff": this despite the fact that I'm at an age where I'd dearly love to get rid of a lot of "stuff".But these are things that remind me of friends who have died. Most often, they're photos, but sometimes they're gifts I received from them, or souvenirs from a night on the town. One is a note she wrote in high school. I can't help but think of them when I see and touch those things.Maybe this will remind you of something you have that reminds you of your friend:This is a picture of a scarf that belonged to my friend, Delle....
Another Look at Friend Grief and Anger
Feb 08, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A few months ago I decided to write about friend grief and anger. To be honest, I don't remember what possessed me to do it. But the reactions I got from this - and follow-up posts - were painful and raw. It reminded some people of their anger. It also gave some people comfort. So be warned that this could do either of those things - or something completely different. Anger is the dirty little secret of grief. And that's what we're considering here:Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never more than when you’re...
Grief and Anger: Not Pretty
Jan 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
This post originally appeared in September and generated quite a bit of attention. And why not? Anger is the emotion we try to keep separate from our grief. It represents a loss of control, a lack of objectivity. But control and objectivity do not peacefully co-exist with grief. Here's a reminder of why it's okay to be angry, and okay to let it go:Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never more than when you’re grieving. There’s a long list of people we can be angry with:The person who died: why didn’t they take better...
Why Anger and Grief Go Together
Oct 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
EvilMilk.com My posts on anger and grief - and my guest blog on Memoir Writer's Journey - have brought out some pretty emotional responses.It’s hard to tell, sometimes, just what people reading my blog are thinking. Most posts don’t inspire a lot of comments, either on or off the site. But anger has been one of those topics that had really resonated with people.I think the comment - off-line - that stuck with me was the woman who thanked me for giving her permission to be angry.Imagine: a grown woman who needed a stranger’s permission to feel angry.Why wouldn’t you feel angry if your friend is dead? Yes, of course you’re sad. You feel a hole in your heart...
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