Victoria Noe

Award-winning Author, Speaker, Activist

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Death Café

To Absent Friends

To Absent Friends
Nov 01, 2018 by Victoria Noe
Death and grieving occupy a very different place in society in the United Kingdom.

The first hospice was founded in a suburb of London in 1967. Bernard Crettaz hosted the first “Death Café” in Neuchatel, Switzerland in 2004, but the idea took off when Jon Underwood held one in his London home. In his words, the purpose is ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’. I’ve hosted several myself in the Chicago area and can attest to the power of releasing the stigma of talking about death.

I’m not sure where I first heard someone offer “to absent friends” as a toast. It might’ve been one of those 1960s WWII...

November Death Café Schedule

November Death Café Schedule
Nov 06, 2013 by Victoria Noe
UPDATE:The November 20 Death Café location has moved to St. Gertrude's Church. Same time, same registration process.New address is 6214 N. Glenwood (about 5 blocks west of Metropolis). Enter through the Ministry Center and look for signs directing you to the choir room."Sometimes I think it’s easier to talk about this topic with complete strangers, which I think can help open the door to talk about it with family and friends.”That was a comment from a participant in one of the Death Café events I’ve co-facilitated in Chicago. I love it, because it’s so true for many people.We’re all going to die someday – though hopefully not anytime soon. Most people have no problem talking about food or politics or...

Death Cafe and Other Events

Death Cafe and Other Events
Oct 10, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I’ve been co-facilitating Death Café events in Chicago for almost a year now. Our events have attracted over 150 attendees. Some of those who attended are now facilitating their own Death Cafés, and I couldn’t be more excited.For those not familiar with Death Café, I highly recommend their website. You’ll not only learn the history, but read fascinating accounts of what people are doing in Death Cafés in the UK, Canada, Italy, Australia and all around the US. No two are the same, but all have the same goal: to provide a safe, supportive environment for people to discuss issues surrounding death and dying, with a goal to making the most of their finite lives.After our last event – which...

What’s New on Friend Grief?

What’s New on Friend Grief?
Aug 27, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I always considered the first day of school to be more like the start of a new year than January 1st: lots of new beginnings and excitement (not to mention shopping for new clothes and supplies). There is certainly a lot of excitement here (though not much shopping)! So, I thought I’d bring you up to date on what’s coming up with Friend Grief in the next month:1.      I’ll be a guest on Madeline Sharples’ websitetomorrow, August 28, talking about how my writing made me an activist - again.2.      Through Labor Day, I’ll donate 25% of the price of the paperback and e-book versions of the second book in the Friend Griefseries, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our...

Scattering Ashes at Death Cafe'

Scattering Ashes at Death Cafe'
Aug 21, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Monday night we had another successful Death Café in Evanston, Illinois. Nearly 50 people joined us for coffee, tea, cookies and muffins while we talked about issues surrounding death and dying. We broke up into four groups, each led by a facilitator, for an hour. The conversations were wide-ranging and passionate. My group included people of various religions and no religion; male and female; college-age through retirement. No one was required to share, but most had feelings they wanted to express. Honestly, we could’ve talked for hours.At one point, in discussing our own final wishes, we focused on burial vs. cremation, and, in the latter case, how to dispose of the ashes. Fears of being caught spreading ashes in...

What A Death Café is All About

What A Death Café is All About
Aug 03, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Dan Bulf and I recently facilitated our second Death Café in the Chicago area, this time in the near north suburb of Evanston. It was a huge success, just in terms of numbers: more than double what we expected.Our next one will be held August 19 in a larger space, at the Evanston Public Library. That one’s filling up very quickly, too. We will undoubtedly have to cut off registrations soon, especially because of the great press coverage we’ve received. REGISTRATION IS NOW CLOSED.Hereis a terrific article by Jessica Reynolds in this weekend’s Chicago Tribune. It gives you a real sense of what it’s like to be there: the conversation, the emotion, the camaraderie.You can sign up for our mailing...

Fun at a Death Café? Sure!

Fun at a Death Café? Sure!
Jul 21, 2013 by Victoria Noe
On July 15, Dan Bulf and I held our second Chicago-area Death Café. We’d hoped for 20 people, but we were stunned when our lovely room at Curt’s Café in Evanston was filled to overflowing with 40. The poor air conditioning couldn’t keep up. Thank God for iced tea! There were many there whose work involves confronting death: hospital chaplains, social workers, grief counselors, hospice volunteers. There were men and women of various ethnic groups and a wide age range: 20’s to a self-professed 87 years old. But that didn’t mean they had talked about their own, personal feelings about death.We broke into four groups for wide-ranging conversations about our attitudes towards death and dying, particularly our own death....

Evanston's First Death Cafe

Evanston's First Death Cafe
Jul 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Last fall, I co-hosted the first Death Café in Chicago.              Death…what??? A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic opportunity for people to come together and discuss topics surrounding death and grief. The objective of this movement is "To increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives".Begun in Switzerland, it spread to the UK and the US. Since 2011, over 1,000 people of all ages have attended a Death Café. Our next Death Café will be held Monday, July 15 at Curt’s Café in Evanston, Illinois. It’s open to anyone with questions about death and grief, because no one has all the answers.A Death Café offers you the opportunity to...

Death Café – There’s a First Time for Everything

Death Café – There’s a First Time for Everything
Oct 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Last Tuesday evening, I co-hosted the first Death Café in Chicago. A phenomenon that began in Switzerland and spread to London, a Death Café provides a safe, non-judgmental and non-therapeutic setting for people to come together and talk about death and grief.Our group was all men (except me, lurking on the edge). Although the seven men did talk about friends – and even animals – there happened to be an unusual situation: one man’s mother was actively dying. As befitting a supportive atmosphere, most of the conversations had to do with family dynamics and relationships. The feelings associated with grief are common, no matter the relationship to the person who died: sadness, guilt, anger, regret, gratitude. All of them were...

Chicago’s First Death Café

Chicago’s First Death Café
Oct 05, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Sounds weird, doesn’t it? Death Café I guess the first question is, ‘what and where is it?’Well in this case, it’s in Chicago next week. A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic gathering of people who want to discuss their experiences grieving. Death, as we know, is a subject that can put a damper on most conversations. But here, it is the conversation.Therapy is great, whether individual or group. But that’s not what this is. Many people just need a chance to talk about what they’re going through: without judgment or diagnosis. And as it turns out, a lot of those people are men.Like it or not, men are still expected to be the “strong” ones when someone close to...

Talking About…You Know…

Talking About…You Know…
Jul 24, 2012 by Victoria Noe
facebook.comSince the horrific events of last Friday in Aurora, Colorado, people in the US have been forced to talk about something they don’t like to talk about: death. We talk about hundreds of topics every day, some boring, some exciting, and occasionally something controversial or uncomfortable: sex, drugs, bodily functions, violence, politics.As a society, though, we have a hard time talking about something every single one of us will experience.So our conversations over the weekend focused on the motivation of the shooter and the gun control debate. We did our best to come up with a logical explanation for what happened. The truth is much more complex, and unlikely to satisfy anyone.What we ignored – or tried to –...

A Death Café?

A Death Café?
Nov 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Salon (n.) A periodic gathering of people of social or intellectual distinction.I always wanted to host a salon. I had visions of the Algonquin Round Table and American expatriates in the Paris of the 1920’s. Make no mistake, I’ve had gatherings like that occasionally, with incredibly talented and opinionated friends. But they never happened often enough for my liking.So when I read Kristie West’s blog this week about the second London Death Café, it gave me pause.The concept of the Death Café began in Switzerland, and has spread to London, where Kristie lives. She’s a grief counselor, specializing in helping those who have lost a parent. A Death Café, much like those celebrated salons, is a gathering of people -...

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