Victoria Noe

Award-winning Author, Speaker, Activist

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survivor guilt

Grief and Depression

Grief and Depression
Jun 06, 2018 by Victoria Noe
My late father used to say that there should be a psychiatrist on every corner and they should be free.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

To have easy access to mental health support and not have to worry about co-pays, referrals or limits on coverage?

Damn right it would be nice.

But would it be enough?

The death of handbag designer Kate Spade shocked her friends and fans. A privileged, talented, successful woman living on Park Avenue who suffered from depression and certainly was able to obtain quality mental health support died by suicide.

As with most of these deaths, we’ll never know what led her to that decision. While the family knew of her struggles, many friends are left recounting past conversations, searching for clues...

Tracy Morgan's Friend Grief

Tracy Morgan's Friend Grief
Jun 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
"Bones heal, but the loss of my friend will never heal."

You probably know Tracy Morgan as the talented comedian on 30 Rock. But his life changed forever almost a year ago, June 7, 2014, when his limo was rear-ended by a Walmart truck. The accident killed his friend, comic James McNair, and left Morgan with debilitating injuries.

Last week he appeared on the Today Show, for an emotional interview with Matt Lauer. I'm not going to repeat much of it. It's much more powerful watching Morgan speak of his amazement at surviving, as well as his gratitude to the medical staff, his family and friends. How he struggled to understand what happened is very touching.

I know when something bad has happened...

Veterans in the War...Against AIDS

Veterans in the War...Against AIDS
Sep 18, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Last night I attended an emotional event at Gay Men’s Health Crisis, in commemoration of National HIV and Aging Day (September 18). “We Aren’t Dead Yet! What Do We Do Now?” was billed as a community discussion, with an impressive panel of experts: Dr. Judith Rabkin, Columbia University Dept. of Psychiatry and Dr. Perry Halkitis, professor at NYU and author of The AIDS Generation: Stories of Survival and Resilience spoke along with two long-time HIV+ survivors, Jim Albaugh and Kevin Oree, and my friend Jim Eigo, long-time HIV- survivor and fellow ACT UP NY activist.The event was held in order to get feedback on the kinds of support and services needed by this often-forgotten, often-stigmatized group of people in my...

Not Another Post about Robin Williams

Not Another Post about Robin Williams
Aug 19, 2014 by Victoria Noe
www.ew.comI was just about to post last week when television, radio and the internet exploded with news of Robin Williams’ death. I’ve posted here about how and why we grieve when a celebrity dies. And I decided I didn’t want to write another blog post about celebrities.But the topic I’d intended to share suddenly didn’t seem very important. I couldn’t stop thinking about Robin Williams. I’ve been a fan since “Mork and Mindy”. I have friends who worked and played with him, who are devastated. So I still could’ve written about him. I mean, why not? Everybody else has.Like many of you reading this, I know people who have committed suicide. One was a high school classmate. One was a...

A Bracelet of Honor for His Friends

A Bracelet of Honor for His Friends
May 19, 2014 by Victoria Noe
stripes.comOn Tuesday, President Obama bestowed the nation’s highest award for military valor – the Medal of Honor – on former Army Sgt. Kyle White. When you read this description from Stars and Stripes, keep in mind his age:White received the nation’s highest award for military valor in recognition of his actions during a patrol in the steep, rugged mountains near Aranas in eastern Afghanistan. He was serving as a radiotelephone operator with C Company, 2nd Battalion (Airborne), 503rd Infantry Regiment, 173rd Airborne Brigade when his team of U.S. and Afghan National Army troops were ambushed on Nov. 9, 2007 by a larger and more heavily armed Taliban force after a meeting with Afghan villagers.Describing White as “a soldier who embodies...

Friend Grief and Medics

Friend Grief and Medics
Apr 01, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Conlan Carter as Doc on "Combat!"Imagine you work in an emergency room. You’re an orderly, maybe – no rank in the pecking order. You might be the only one there to help, or you might have help, but not from a doctor or nurse – there aren’t any. It’s all on you.Every day – in bursts of activity that last for hours – your workplace is filled with patients. They’re screaming and panicky or very, very still. Some are missing legs or eyes; others have horrific head wounds. The floors are covered with blood and bandages and random pieces of flesh.You’re trying to be in three places at once; responding to whichever patient you think can be stabilized and moved...

The Next Friend Grief Books

The Next Friend Grief Books
Nov 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Do you consider the people you work with to be friends? Have you experienced the death of one of them?I’m currently looking for people to interview for the next two books in the Friend Grief series.Book #4 is Friend Grief and Community: Band of Friends. It focuses on active duty military and veterans – men and women, of any age - who have lost a battle buddy, either in combat or from suicide.Book #5 is Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. This book’s focus is obvious, and will have a broad definition of “workplace”. You don’t have to work in an office building. Maybe you are an actor, a paramedic, a teacher, a cashier,...

Celebrating on 9/11?

Celebrating on 9/11?
Sep 11, 2013 by Victoria Noe
It feels a little odd to be happy on September 11.Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the world should stop spinning today. People should go to work and school, do their grocery shopping, eat birthday cake (the biggest piece, with the rose on it).But today is the release of the third book in my Friend Grief series, Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners. As I tweeted to a friend yesterday, I’m not always happy with what I write, but I’m happy with and proud of this book.It turned out a little differently than I expected. It has turned into an advocacy piece, because of the people I interviewed and learned about.The 9/11 Memorial – a beautiful place everyone...

The Next Friend Grief Book

The Next Friend Grief Book
Sep 03, 2013 by Victoria Noe
“Families only.”Those who were killed on September 11, 2001 left behind more than family members. They left thousands of friends who are often forgotten and ignored: co-workers, first responders, neighbors and survivors who struggle to find a way to grieve the friends killed when the World Trade Center towers fell. In Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners you’ll learn how they adjust to life without their friends and find ways to honor those they lost on a clear, blue Tuesday. It’s been two years since I wrote a post hereabout what became the basis of this book: the hierarchy of grief in the 9/11 community. But let’s be honest: does the world need another book about 9/11? As it turns...

What Could Be Worse Than A Friend’s Death?

What Could Be Worse Than A Friend’s Death?
Jul 25, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Surviving. Of course we survive. We wouldn’t be here to grieve our friends if we weren’t alive. Sometimes the depth of that grief takes us by surprise, which is one of the reasons why I started this blog and my books.But when I started writing about grieving the death of a friend, I didn’t expect to find that survivor guilt plays such a huge role in the lives of many people.While researching the second book in my series, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends, I learned that one of the biggest issues for long-time HIV+ men is survivor guilt. Like me, they lost a lot of friends: dozens, even hundreds. But because of luck or...

"The Life and Death of Clay Hunt"

Mar 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
en.wikipedia.orgAs a rule, I don’t watch 60 Minutes. It’s on at a time when I’m usually doing something else. But Sunday night I happened to turn it on just as it was beginning, and that became a good news/bad news moment.The third book in the Friend Grief series is about friends who live and work together, and the military figures prominently in it. I’ve been learning a lot lately about the epidemic of suicide among active duty military and veterans, in the US and UK.As I’ve explained in recent posts, there are a number of contributing factors: multiple deployments, inadequate screening for pre-existing mental health issues, substance abuse, grief for their comrades and survivor guilt.Sunday’s program opened with “The Life...

When Grief Goes On and On

When Grief Goes On and On
Mar 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Not all veterans are menI recently visited the Westside VA Medical Center in Los Angeles and spoke to people in their palliative care division. These are professionals who counsel veterans of all ages. I learned a lot from them, and frankly, not much of it was good. We talked about survivor guilt and grief, and how they are factors in post-deployment mental health issues (PTSD, substance abuse, suicide).My research lately has focused on recent vets, and the suicide epidemic affecting active duty troops. But I learned that grief for comrades – and complicating guilt – lasts for decades.One person I spoke to works with Vietnam and WW2 vets. Both aging populations, as they near the end of their lives...

When Surviving Your Friends is Too Much to Bear

When Surviving Your Friends is Too Much to Bear
Jan 30, 2013 by Victoria Noe
mil.state.or.usIn 2012, 229 US troops were killed in Afghanistan.In 2012, 349 US troops committed suicide.Yes, you read that right.Suicide among veterans and active duty service members is on the rise. The total for last year represented a double-digit increase, regardless of branch of service.This is not just an issue for US troops. Suicides have also risen alarmingly among the UK’s forces in Afghanistan.The first order of business, of course, is why?Suicide is a complicated issue. Are the armed forces doing a good job screening applicants, rejecting those with obvious mental health issues? Are there contributing factors, such as alcohol or drug abuse? Is the shock of war too much for some people?All of those are valid considerations, but one of...

Friend Grief and Survivor Guilt

Friend Grief and Survivor Guilt
Jan 25, 2013 by Victoria Noe
realwarriors.netIt’s a situation no one wants to find themselves in, but if you are a first responder or in the military, it’s likely. For some unfortunate people who are not in those professions, it can be even more devastating. In David Halberstam’s book The Firehouse, he recounts the story of his neighborhood firehouse, near Lincoln Center on New York’s upper west side. On September 11, 2001, thirteen firefighters raced to the scene of the World Trade Center attack. One returned. The only reason he survived is that a photographer saw his arm sticking out of the rubble at Ground Zero. Not only did he suffer from guilt, but some people hated him for surviving: why him and not one...

Survivor Guilt

Survivor Guilt
Apr 12, 2012 by Victoria Noe
St. Paul's Chapel near Ground ZeroPerhaps because I’m in New York right now, or because I’m re-visiting the 9/11 Memorial this evening, I had survivor guilt on my mind.This is a post from last year that looks at how guilt – and anger – complicate grief for your friend.In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people...

A Lot of Angry Friends Out There

A Lot of Angry Friends Out There
Oct 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
My posts last week about feeling angry when a friend dies resonated with a lot of people.I had conversations with family, friends, and online “friends” all week. My posts dredged up feelings for many that had been long repressed. Some people took the opportunity to fondly remember a friend. Others reacted as if a scab had been scratched, and indeed it had.Those were the people who had been denied the chance to feel that anger when their friend died, and now, years later, it bubbled up again.You can only hold your breath so long, and eventually you have to breathe again. So it is with repressing emotions. Eventually they decide they’ve been constrained long enough.Those who are overwhelmed by the...

Making Sense of Surviving Your Friends

Making Sense of Surviving Your Friends
Sep 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people they work with - men and women - are a tight-knit group. They consider themselves a family; Band of Brothers was not an accidental title. Because of the nature of their close living conditions, and the hazards of their work, they must have complete trust in each other....

9/11 - When the Therapists Needed Therapists

9/11 - When the Therapists Needed Therapists
Apr 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
 "Firefighter Pew" at St. Paul's Chapel, near Ground Zero Karen M. Seeley’s book, Therapy after Terror:  9/11, Psychotherapists, and Mental Health,(Cambridge, UK:  Cambridge University Press, 2008) explores a relatively invisible group of September 11 survivors: therapists.New York City was overwhelmed by the need for mental health professionals to help survivors and witnesses cope with the horror of the attacks. To their credit, many came forward in the city as well as from other parts of the country.  But helping those who grieve after a terror attack presented challenges never before considered.Most of the therapists were “outsiders”. Firefighters, already a tight-knit, closed society, were unwilling to talk to anyone outside of the department (assuming they talked at all). Unless you...

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