Blog
Types of Grievers - Part 1
May 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A year ago I wrote a series of posts about types of grievers, and I thought it was time to revisit that topic. The first type is "intuitive", and we'll take a look at others types over the next few days.There is no one way to grieve.There is no right way to grieve.Everyone experiences grief in different ways.Some people let themselves grieve in a physical way. Some clinicians refer to them as “intuitive” grievers. Another word for this type of griever could be “emotional”. Their grief is on display, not held back.Intuitive grievers express feelings that are intense. Crying is probably the most common expression, and it mirrors how they are feeling. Typically, in our culture, expressing grief in this way...
Calling All Girlfriends!
May 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
vintagesusie&wings.comI started out writing my book believing I knew one thing for sure: I’d have no trouble finding women to talk about grieving a friend.And that was true. But, as I’ve written here before, the men surprised me with their willingness not just to talk: sometimes they offered to talk, unsolicited. As a result, I currently have an imbalance of male/female stories in my book.Now I’m looking for more women to interview. I’m particularly looking for women who have grieved a friend (male or female) with the following special circumstances: You’re a member of a religious community You’re a first responder or militaryYou channeled your grief into action by supporting a cause that either helped your friend or was otherwise...
Have You Lost a Best Friend?
May 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Dr. Karen Gail LewisI’ve been clear that Friend Grief is a place for those who have grieved the death of a friend to find others who have ‘been there, done that’. It’s helpful, but it’s not meant to be a therapy session (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Sometimes all you need to help you get through this kind of grief is the knowledge that you are not alone.Dr. Beth EricksonBut there are times when you would benefit from talking to a professional. So I’m pleased to let you know about a teleseminar being held tomorrow (May 10) on the topic of losing a best friend:Maybe your friend is still very much alive, but for whatever reason, you’re estranged....
"Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake"
May 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I was fortunate to be in the audience for the Chicago Tribune’s sold out Printers Row Live event on Friday evening, a conversation with author Anna Quindlen. Her new book, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake, is a thoroughly enjoyable reflection as she reaches a milestone birthday this summer: sixty.In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been a fan of Quindlen’s for many years, and not just because we share a birthday. Her writings have spoken to a generation of women whose lives were defined by choices our mothers never enjoyed: choices that complicated as well as simplified our lives.In her latest book, Quindlen takes time to pause, to look at where she’s come from and where she’s...
"Love is in the Details"
May 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
E. Jason Wambsgans, Chicasgo TribuneThe front page of the Chicago Tribune is generally reserved for hard news. And stories that begin “above the fold” are typically national or international in nature. But the story that began just under the masthead on Thursday, with a series of three photos, was very local. You could say it’s a little story. It has no earth-shattering implications for the economy or national security. It’s a story of friendship and loss, and the friends left behind.A year ago yesterday, Justyna Palka, an art director at Ogilvy & Mather, was struck and killed by a tour bus as she crossed a busy intersection in downtown Chicago. The bus driver has an extensive criminal record. He...
Competing Over Grief
May 01, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Karl SpraguePlease welcome my friend, Karl Sprague, who has an important perspective on grieving a friend:It wasn’t the first time I’d canceled a meeting. I knew he was having some business challenges, but several other people needed my help that day. So I canceled. I sent an email apology, along with some available dates on my calendar for us to reschedule. I didn’t hear back right away, but figured we’d get back in touch soon. It happens all the time.Six days later I got a phone call from Anthony’s wife. He was dead. The circumstances were cloudy, and she gave little detail in our short conversation. Subsequent reports suggested it was a suicide. Anthony was my age, with two kids...
Don't Ask, Do Tell: A Response
Apr 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I wrote a blog post about a very sensitive subject: if you knew you were dying, would you tell your friends?Most people were clear that they’d want to know if a friend of theirs was dying. But most people wouldn’t want to share similar news about themselves.One of the comments I received deserved more than a quick response on the blog post. This is it:I have cancer. Telling people was harder than dealing with the disease. The look of devastation on my best friend’s face cut right through my heart. After that, I avoided telling people as long as possible – dealing with their hurt and anxiety on top of the turmoil of emotions and fears I was carrying already...
The Good Men Project
Apr 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A friend of mine who works with a lot of men’s groups told me about The Good Men Project. It’s a great website where men (and the occasional woman) come together to discuss what it means to not just be a man, but a good man.Recently here I wrote about how my opinion had changed drastically, when considering how men grieve their friends. It received some really beautiful responses, here and elsewhere, including Porter Anderson’s Writing on the Ether: Engendering Grief.I took that basic article and submitted it to The Good Men Project, where it’s posted today. I hope you’ll stop by there to read it, but also to see what else they have to say.We all have expectations placed...
Dying Matters 2012
Apr 25, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Most people will do anything to avoid those end-of-life conversations. Who wants to talk about ‘extraordinary means’, much less who’s going to get your grandmother’s jewelry? But doing so when we are able to not just discuss these issues but make decisions is something important for us all.The Dying Matters Coalition was founded in London in 2009 “to support changing knowledge, attitudes and behaviours towards death, dying and bereavement, and through this to make ‘living and dying well’ the norm". It has 16,000 members (full disclosure: I’m one).May 14-20 is Dying Matters Awareness Week. You may see stories pop up on TV and the Internet that will personify this year’s theme “Small Actions, Big Differences”.It’s a great theme, because it...
Carpe Diem
Apr 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Sayan Sarkar“Why do we wait until it’s time to bring in Make-a-Wish to go after our dreams?”I’m paraphrasing a friend’s question on her Facebook page last week. The short answer is…because we’re human. Despite that fact, we also believe we have unlimited time ahead of us.A lot of people realize this – for good – when they reach middle age. It’s not so much the passing of their parents – they’re older and it’s “expected”. It’s the deaths of their friends that shock them into action.Sayan Sarkar is President and CEO of InvigorateNOW. He’s a young man with a winning smile. He recently wrote an article for Huffington Post, “How Grief Can Be An Impetus For Change”.He wrote of his...
Live For The Moment
Apr 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
From "Live For The Moment"They’re called “The Dangerous Demographic”: young men. And why not? They think they’re immortal, taking risks that make the rest of us cringe. They race cars, climb mountains, take chances…because they can.But what of those left behind when things go horribly wrong? What about their friends?A study at the University of British Columbia is shining a light on this previously invisible group of mourners. How do young men grieve their friends, those who have died suddenly from accidents?Not surprisingly, the researchers found that men in their 20’s were not immune to societal pressures to ‘man up’. What may surprise you, according to UBC post-doctoral researcher Genevieve Creighton, is that over the long term, suppression of grief...
What To Do With Survivor Guilt
Apr 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Old friends on the park bench“I had no idea he was so unhappy.”That’s a line from The Big Chill, when Alex’s friends are trying to make sense of his suicide. But it was echoed in a phone interview I did this morning.We had spoken earlier in the week, about one of his friends who died a long time ago. But today we talked about two other friends who died since then. A group of them had spent the weekend at a reunion, and from all accounts, had a great time. So it came as a complete shock when two weeks later, one of them committed suicide.“I had no idea he was so troubled,” was the observation. The friend had a...
Worrying About Your Friends
Apr 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of finding out about the deaths of friends. It’s not that I was close to all of them, but they were still a part of my life at some time. So I decided to revisit this post from last spring, because it’s still true.At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s hit Hill Street Blues, Phil would always remind his comrades “let’s be careful out there.”They were cops. They knew every day could be their last.Not everyone lives that consciously, certainly not when they’re younger.But the truth of the matter is, the world is a dangerous place. Stuff happens, no matter where you live.We can eat healthy foods,...
Survivor Guilt
Apr 12, 2012 by Victoria Noe
St. Paul's Chapel near Ground ZeroPerhaps because I’m in New York right now, or because I’m re-visiting the 9/11 Memorial this evening, I had survivor guilt on my mind.This is a post from last year that looks at how guilt – and anger – complicate grief for your friend.In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people...
Don’t Ask…Do Tell
Apr 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
freepresshouston.comLast week I posed a couple of questions: If a friend of yours had a terminal illness, would you want to know? If you had a terminal illness, would you want your friends to know?I got some interesting feedback – both privately and on my Facebook page.For the exact same reasons, the consensus was:“I’d definitely want my friends to tell me. But I wouldn’t tell my friends.”I wasn’t terribly surprised that people feel that way. Often we expect others to do things we ourselves are reluctant to do.But…This isn’t expecting someone to bail us out of jail or share their psych notes. This is about sharing something so serious that anything else pales in comparison (with the possible exception of...
A Bucket List Contest
Apr 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Friends having a partyEveryone loves a contest, the chance to win something they want. Millions of people buy lottery tickets every week, knowing full well the odds are against them. But it gives them time to dream. It’s not surprising that when the media interview people buying tickets for a particularly large lottery prize, they always know what they’d do with the money: quit their job, travel around the world, put their grandchildren through college. No one ever says “I’ve never really thought about it” because everyone can fantasize about what they’d do with millions of dollars.Not all dreams are big. Some are simpler, smaller: take your family on a real vacation, get that swimming pool for the backyard, give...
Blindsided by a Friend's Diagnosis
Apr 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A lot of presentations at the recent ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference had to do with end-of-life issues. One of those issues is notification: who is told about a patient’s diagnosis? How are their relationships affected by the news of impending death? I thought I’d revisit this post about how it feels to be blindsided, because you weren’t told your friend was dying. What would you do if you were in their place?We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”....
It’s Time to Get Angry Again
Apr 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The late, great Keith HaringI attended the “Beyond Disenfranchised: LGBTQ Community Resilience and Healing” session at the ADEC (Association for Death Education) conference last week. It was my last session of the only day I was able to spend there. Much like the lunchtime networking group on Buddhism, something drew me to this.It was clear from the start that there was frustration in the room. Some of it was directed towards ADEC, and how the LGBTQ community’s experiences (particularly in terms of medical directives and emotional support for end-of-life issues) were not being included in the larger discussions. The panelists were on the front lines, both in terms of the LGBTQ community as a whole and HIV/AIDS services (which are...
Report from ADEC 2012
Mar 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ADEC logoI just spent a very busy day at the 2012 ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference in Atlanta.On Thursday morning, I made a presentation – “Building Community for Grieving Friends Online” – about the development and marketing of this blog.My audience was knowledgeable and enthusiastic. No one walked out while I was talking (always an ego-boost for a speaker). It was certainly the only session out of many dozens that dealt specifically with grieving a friend. Early in my talk, I quoted one of my favorite stats:“If you Google ‘grieving the death of a friend’, you will get more hits for grieving a 4-legged friend than a human one.”I remember how shocked I was, about 18 months...
Carpe Diem
Mar 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
womansday.comI wrote this a year ago, after visiting a friend who was dying, about how grateful I was to have had that opportunity. My husband and I recently visited a friend who’s dying. His partner has been keeping a group of us up to date on their situation, and on a Saturday afternoon, we were able to visit them. We weren’t alone; two other friends had flown into Chicago from Dallas and Seattle.Our friend looks awful (so does his partner), but for a few minutes, the old energy and sense of humor were back. We all had a lovely visit, though brief.Yes, it was uncomfortable, and yes, it was undeniably sad.But what a gift it was, too.The gift was not...
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