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Friend Grief
Memorial Day - Remembering Military Friends
May 25, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Seaman Robert F. NoeI intended to spend today considering responses to Wednesday's post about whether online friends are 'worth' grieving. But responses are still coming in, so I decided to let that topic percolate for a week. So if you want to join that discussion, feel free.Below is my post from last Memorial Day. We won't actually celebrate it until Monday, but I think it's worth looking at again, with a recommendation of how you can show your appreciation to our troops.I was thinking today, Memorial Day, about my father. He enlisted in the Navy in January, 1946, at the age of 17. Too late for the war, he spent two years up and down the coast of California. He...
Are “Virtual” Friends Worth Grieving?
May 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Do you know your relatives? I don’t mean the ones you’re in close contact with, like immediate family. I mean all of the people you know you’re related to, even the ones you only see at weddings and funerals: the ones whose opening line is always “you don’t remember me, do you?”You probably do, even if you haven’t seen them face to face in decades.Same with friends: some you see or talk to every day, others you only see every 10 years at class reunions. My point is that you’ve seen them, met them face-to-face. That’s how you became friends in the first place.But our lives are different now. We have “virtual” friends, people who may live on the...
Types of Grievers - Part 4
May 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Let's face it: everyone has an opinion, not just about other things but about our own behavior. Imagine feeling you're not allowed to grieve honestly. It happens more often than you think, in this fourth and final look at types of grievers.“You need to be strong for...”“You need to move on.”“Why haven’t you cried?”We all grieve in our own way. But the fourth and final type of griever described here is the type no one wants to be. This griever can’t or won’t express their grief the way that feels most natural to them. Generally speaking, in our culture, men are expected to be the strong ones when dealing with grief, and women are expected to willingly express their feelings.Men...
Types of Grievers - Part 3
May 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
visualphotos.comThis type of griever is, I have to admit, more like me. It's hard for me to not multi-task, even when grieving. I bet you know someone like this.Some people channel their grief into action: running errands, organizing, bringing food to the family.Some people are very open with their feelings, talking and crying when they feel the needThen there are people who do both.I envy them.Those are people who feel comfortable expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable to others. They cry in front of us, not because they expect us to make everything better, but because they need to cry. When they’re not crying – and sometimes even if they are – they keep busy. They organize the gathering...
Types of Grievers - Part 2
May 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
visualphotos.comI'm old enough to remember when Jacqueline Kennedy was criticized for being "cold" at her husband's funeral. People thought she should've been more obviously emotional. Today we look at a type of grieving that our society has forced on men: instrumental.Everyone grieves differently.Often, people assume that someone who cries or talks about the person who has died is not handling their grief well. They are encouraged to stop crying, to not dwell on the past. But for that person, that’s how they express their grief. Others are what may be defined as “instrumental” grievers. Rather than express their grief by crying, they are more likely to intellectualize their grief. They want to understand their grief, but they don’t want...
"Love is in the Details"
May 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
E. Jason Wambsgans, Chicasgo TribuneThe front page of the Chicago Tribune is generally reserved for hard news. And stories that begin “above the fold” are typically national or international in nature. But the story that began just under the masthead on Thursday, with a series of three photos, was very local. You could say it’s a little story. It has no earth-shattering implications for the economy or national security. It’s a story of friendship and loss, and the friends left behind.A year ago yesterday, Justyna Palka, an art director at Ogilvy & Mather, was struck and killed by a tour bus as she crossed a busy intersection in downtown Chicago. The bus driver has an extensive criminal record. He...
Competing Over Grief
May 01, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Karl SpraguePlease welcome my friend, Karl Sprague, who has an important perspective on grieving a friend:It wasn’t the first time I’d canceled a meeting. I knew he was having some business challenges, but several other people needed my help that day. So I canceled. I sent an email apology, along with some available dates on my calendar for us to reschedule. I didn’t hear back right away, but figured we’d get back in touch soon. It happens all the time.Six days later I got a phone call from Anthony’s wife. He was dead. The circumstances were cloudy, and she gave little detail in our short conversation. Subsequent reports suggested it was a suicide. Anthony was my age, with two kids...
Don't Ask, Do Tell: A Response
Apr 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I wrote a blog post about a very sensitive subject: if you knew you were dying, would you tell your friends?Most people were clear that they’d want to know if a friend of theirs was dying. But most people wouldn’t want to share similar news about themselves.One of the comments I received deserved more than a quick response on the blog post. This is it:I have cancer. Telling people was harder than dealing with the disease. The look of devastation on my best friend’s face cut right through my heart. After that, I avoided telling people as long as possible – dealing with their hurt and anxiety on top of the turmoil of emotions and fears I was carrying already...
The Good Men Project
Apr 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A friend of mine who works with a lot of men’s groups told me about The Good Men Project. It’s a great website where men (and the occasional woman) come together to discuss what it means to not just be a man, but a good man.Recently here I wrote about how my opinion had changed drastically, when considering how men grieve their friends. It received some really beautiful responses, here and elsewhere, including Porter Anderson’s Writing on the Ether: Engendering Grief.I took that basic article and submitted it to The Good Men Project, where it’s posted today. I hope you’ll stop by there to read it, but also to see what else they have to say.We all have expectations placed...
Carpe Diem
Apr 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Sayan Sarkar“Why do we wait until it’s time to bring in Make-a-Wish to go after our dreams?”I’m paraphrasing a friend’s question on her Facebook page last week. The short answer is…because we’re human. Despite that fact, we also believe we have unlimited time ahead of us.A lot of people realize this – for good – when they reach middle age. It’s not so much the passing of their parents – they’re older and it’s “expected”. It’s the deaths of their friends that shock them into action.Sayan Sarkar is President and CEO of InvigorateNOW. He’s a young man with a winning smile. He recently wrote an article for Huffington Post, “How Grief Can Be An Impetus For Change”.He wrote of his...
Live For The Moment
Apr 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
From "Live For The Moment"They’re called “The Dangerous Demographic”: young men. And why not? They think they’re immortal, taking risks that make the rest of us cringe. They race cars, climb mountains, take chances…because they can.But what of those left behind when things go horribly wrong? What about their friends?A study at the University of British Columbia is shining a light on this previously invisible group of mourners. How do young men grieve their friends, those who have died suddenly from accidents?Not surprisingly, the researchers found that men in their 20’s were not immune to societal pressures to ‘man up’. What may surprise you, according to UBC post-doctoral researcher Genevieve Creighton, is that over the long term, suppression of grief...
Worrying About Your Friends
Apr 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of finding out about the deaths of friends. It’s not that I was close to all of them, but they were still a part of my life at some time. So I decided to revisit this post from last spring, because it’s still true.At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s hit Hill Street Blues, Phil would always remind his comrades “let’s be careful out there.”They were cops. They knew every day could be their last.Not everyone lives that consciously, certainly not when they’re younger.But the truth of the matter is, the world is a dangerous place. Stuff happens, no matter where you live.We can eat healthy foods,...
Don’t Ask…Do Tell
Apr 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
freepresshouston.comLast week I posed a couple of questions: If a friend of yours had a terminal illness, would you want to know? If you had a terminal illness, would you want your friends to know?I got some interesting feedback – both privately and on my Facebook page.For the exact same reasons, the consensus was:“I’d definitely want my friends to tell me. But I wouldn’t tell my friends.”I wasn’t terribly surprised that people feel that way. Often we expect others to do things we ourselves are reluctant to do.But…This isn’t expecting someone to bail us out of jail or share their psych notes. This is about sharing something so serious that anything else pales in comparison (with the possible exception of...
Blindsided by a Friend's Diagnosis
Apr 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A lot of presentations at the recent ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference had to do with end-of-life issues. One of those issues is notification: who is told about a patient’s diagnosis? How are their relationships affected by the news of impending death? I thought I’d revisit this post about how it feels to be blindsided, because you weren’t told your friend was dying. What would you do if you were in their place?We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”....
Report from ADEC 2012
Mar 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ADEC logoI just spent a very busy day at the 2012 ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference in Atlanta.On Thursday morning, I made a presentation – “Building Community for Grieving Friends Online” – about the development and marketing of this blog.My audience was knowledgeable and enthusiastic. No one walked out while I was talking (always an ego-boost for a speaker). It was certainly the only session out of many dozens that dealt specifically with grieving a friend. Early in my talk, I quoted one of my favorite stats:“If you Google ‘grieving the death of a friend’, you will get more hits for grieving a 4-legged friend than a human one.”I remember how shocked I was, about 18 months...
Carpe Diem
Mar 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
womansday.comI wrote this a year ago, after visiting a friend who was dying, about how grateful I was to have had that opportunity. My husband and I recently visited a friend who’s dying. His partner has been keeping a group of us up to date on their situation, and on a Saturday afternoon, we were able to visit them. We weren’t alone; two other friends had flown into Chicago from Dallas and Seattle.Our friend looks awful (so does his partner), but for a few minutes, the old energy and sense of humor were back. We all had a lovely visit, though brief.Yes, it was uncomfortable, and yes, it was undeniably sad.But what a gift it was, too.The gift was not...
Friend Grief Lessons from "The Big Chill"
Mar 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
This was the basis of one of my first blog posts, but it still resonates today: what happens when we receive the sudden, shocking news of a friend's death.Some of us are "at that age" when it seems we get this kind of news all-too-frequently. I've found out about the deaths of two friends - via Facebook status updates - in the past 6 weeks. It doesn't get easier. But you can lessen the guilt.Karen: “You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral.”Michael: “Oh, Karen, I'll come. And, you know... I'll bring a date.”You’re going about your day – conference calls, grocery shopping, carpool – when you get a call, a text, maybe an email with the...
Helping A Friend Who's Grieving A Friend
Mar 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
hugs-guides.blogspot.com This post was originally titled "Do You Need Any Help?" It's what most people say when told someone has died. But that question is normally directed to the family, not the friends.Chances are, when your friend died the only response you got was "that's too bad". You probably weren't asked if you needed help, or even how you were coping. If you know someone who's lost a friend, reach out to them. Ask them, but try to be specific about what you're offering. Better yet, just offer to listen.When someone dies, most people have good intentions. They want to mourn, they want to remember. And they want to help those who are grieving themselves.Often, when you grieve the death...
Friends Grieving for George Harrison
Feb 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
George Harrison's birthday was a few days ago. He would've been 69 years old. I find it almost impossible to think of that gangly, 20 year old "quiet Beatle" on Ed Sullivan's Show as a senior citizen.Last fall, I wrote this about him, after watching the excellent "Living in the Material World" documentary about his life. As in "The Concert for George", his friends talk about their love for him. I highly recommend both films, whether you're a Beatlemaniac or not. Because you'll find yourself marveling at the beautiful, complicated friendships he treasured so much:A few months ago, I blogged about Paul McCartney’s concert at Wrigley Field and how his tributes to John Lennon and George Harrison were so very different: while the...
When a Friend’s Diagnosis Scares You
Feb 27, 2012 by Victoria Noe
“I read the news today, oh, boy…”When I was a kid, it seemed that old people talked about nothing but aches and pains. If asked how she was feeling, the most optimistic response my great-aunt could come up with was, “well, not too bad”. And while I’m not there yet, as we age we see glimpses of declining health. Sore knees and weakened eyes become the rule rather than the exception, both in ourselves and our friends.We may complain about not being able to play certain sports anymore, but, hey, we’re still here, right?Then one day you get the phone call or the email, or you see a post on Facebook. One of your friends is sick, really sick: dying....
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