Blog
Friend Grief
Disenfranchised (Friend) Grief
Feb 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Last April, I wrote about the concept of "disenfranchised grief". If you've experienced a lack of empathy - perhaps even a callous disregard for your grief - you already know what I'm talking about. On this blog and in my book, I try to shine a light on this kind of grief:I didn’t know when I decided to write my book that there was such a thing as “disenfranchised grief”, coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka of the College of New Rochelle, in 1989. In the 2002 revision of his Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow, Dr. Doka observes how the grief a friend experiences can be dismissed:“Often there is no recognized role in which mourners can assert the right to mourn and thus receive such...
Writing about Grief Gets to You, Too
Feb 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The "Survivor Tree" at Ground ZeroI’ve had interesting reactions when I tell people I’m writing about the experience of grieving the death of a friend. “Oh…that’s depressing…”I insist they’re – mostly – wrong, and truly, I believe it.But there are times when you want to rush the grieving process along, when it wears on you, when it seems as though it will never end.I’ve found the same thing goes for reading and writing about it. You think it won’t affect you. But it does.One of the hardest – though not the hardest – topic I’ve written about here and in my book is 9/11. It’s not because I knew someone who died that day; I was mistaken in thinking that...
Friend Grief When a Colleague Dies
Feb 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeff Zaslow and The Girls from AmesIn the course of your working life, you will have worked with hundreds, maybe thousands of people.Co-workers may play in the same band, or share a claustrophobic cubicle. They may work on a project together, or just pass by in the hallway. They may share living quarters, like firefighters or monks. They may work together for weeks or months or years.Not all co-workers are friends: many are rivals. But often shared experiences, born from impossible deadlines or the excitement of creating something special, forge lifelong friendships.Several people I’ve interviewed for my book have talked about their grief at losing a colleague. Others are talking about it this week, with news of the deaths of...
Trying to Avoid Friend Grief? Good Luck with That
Feb 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A rose for each classmate who diedFirst of all, right off the bat, I’m going to say you can’t avoid friend grief. You can’t avoid grieving when a friend dies. But bear with me and read on.We grieve our friends because we love them. We grieve for anything we’ve lost: hair, energy, good looks, high metabolism, our first car. Why wouldn’t we grieve for friends?When someone is a part of your life – or was a part of your life – and they’re gone, there is a noticeable hole. Your life is now incomplete. That part of your life existed in part because of that friend. Your witness is gone.What if I hadn’t had the courage to strike up conversations...
“We’re at That Age” – Well, That Sucks
Feb 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Anytime my husband and I discuss a friend’s health issues – or sudden death – I can count on him to say, “we’re at that age”. It’s meant to explain away whatever’s happening, as if it were the only possible reason.Of course, to some extent that’s true. One of the downsides of growing older is that we lose a lot of people we love. We expect our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles to die; after all, they’re a generation older than we are.But when people our own age – not to mention those younger – die, it’s a double loss. Because when our friends die, we lose a little of ourselves, too.I’ve spent the past couple weeks dealing with loss...
“We Didn’t Lose a Person…We Absorbed Him”
Feb 10, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Photo by Carlos IamaguaOne of the reactions we have after the death of a friend is fear: fear that they will be forgotten. People who have made a name for themselves in their chosen professions will likely be remembered in some way. But normal folks – the 99%, if you will – do not have buildings or highways named after them. They don’t leave works of art that will live forever. They’re just…normal folks.So when faced with these truths, what’s a friend to do? You donate money to their favorite charity. You wear a t-shirt with their picture on it. You have Mass offered on their birthday. You make a point to stay in touch with their family. You name...
Another Look at Friend Grief and Anger
Feb 08, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A few months ago I decided to write about friend grief and anger. To be honest, I don't remember what possessed me to do it. But the reactions I got from this - and follow-up posts - were painful and raw. It reminded some people of their anger. It also gave some people comfort. So be warned that this could do either of those things - or something completely different. Anger is the dirty little secret of grief. And that's what we're considering here:Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never more than when you’re...
Time is Not on Your Side
Feb 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I thought I'd repost this today, as I prepare to attend the memorial service for John Northage. All evidence to the contrary, most of us live our lives as if we have unlimited time: time to do and say the things that are important. Today I'm reminded that our time here is too brief. If you have something to say to your friends, say it. You'll both be glad you did.“Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald I heard that line while watching a rerun of Law & Order: UK, and I thought it was perfect for the topic of grieving the death...
The First Year of Friend Grief
Feb 01, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ihavethesecret.wordpress.com"525,600 minutes...how do you measure a year?" ("Seasons of Love" from Rent)In the case of Friend Grief, there are many ways to measure the past year. A year ago today, in the midst of a 21" snowstorm here in Chicago, this blog went live.I'd returned from my first Writers Digest Conference a week earlier. I knew before then that I needed a blog, but I was stalled on the details. Actually, I was obsessed with the details. So I asked Dan Blank a question during his session: how do I do this? Word Press or Blogger? Template or Custom? He said what my panicky ears needed to hear: just do it. Start writing and worry about the other stuff later....
A Death Notice on Facebook
Jan 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
John Northage, Jr.I had something else in mind to share today. But as often happens, the universe had other plans.I logged onto my Facebook page this morning to see a post that confused me at first. It was a friend's Facebook page announcing his death. For a brief moment, I thought it must not be him. It must've been his father who died. But when I saw his son's link, announcing that John had died of a heart attack yesterday, I knew it was the worst possible news.My daughter was 6 months old when I first went to John's wife for acupuncture. We bonded quickly, over our close age and beautiful baby girls born within weeks of each other. John,...
Online Life and Death
Jan 27, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I'm going to share an interesting article about a topic I've written about recently: what happens to your online identity after you die?We've looked at Facebook memorial pages, and the new Facebook app that allows you to create a video that will be posted after you die.But Facebook isn't the only website to consider. We spend a lot of time online, not just socializing or surfing the web. We also shop and bank online. We store and share photos online. We write blogs. We set up automatic bill payments. If you're like most people - including me - you've probably not made any arrangements for those accounts after you die. But it came up a while ago when I got a...
Pitching My Book at Writers Digest Conference
Jan 25, 2012 by Victoria Noe
George Davis tweeting at WDC12I've taken a few days off here to attend the Writers Digest Conference in New York.In addition to workshops and speakers addressing the craft and business of writing, there is a Pitch Slam, where hundreds of writers pitch their books to brave agents. I was one of the hundreds.I spent most of the conference with friends (not all of whom I'd ever met in person before). A few of us had met there last year, our friendships deepening over the phone and internet. We practiced our pitches on each other, tweeted madly and bared our souls over calamari and frozen custard (not at the same time).As I stood in lines 10-deep to wait for agents who'd...
9/11: Are We Done With This Yet?
Jan 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"Around the time of the 10th anniversary of 9/11, several major newspapers - including the Chicago Tribune and New York Times - took a look at the response of the arts communities to 9/11. The results were varied and somewhat disappointing.The authors of the articles wondered aloud why there were no iconic plays - like Rent - or films - like Philadelphia - which addressed the AIDS epidemic. There’s no shortage of documentaries: the building of the World Trade Center, the attacks, the search for bin Laden, the “truth”. But that’s different. Even Paul McCartney’s 9/11-inspired song “Freedom” fell flat. Why?Grief is a complicated thing. For those directly affected by 9/11 - friends and family -...
Remembering Your Friends…In a Eulogy
Jan 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
This week I said that we’d be looking at some of the many ways we can remember a friend who has died. One way is through words, specifically in their eulogy. I’ve been to too many funerals where the minister didn’t know the deceased at all, and that never fails to make me angry. What is the purpose of a eulogy? If the purpose is to make total strangers feel they knew that person, then in this re-post from June, Fr. Duffy succeeded. If he wanted us all to remember Fr. Judge for years to come, well, I think he succeeded there, too:I’ve never been called upon to give a eulogy for a friend. I wrote the eulogy a hospice...
Friend Grief and the Holidays
Dec 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I wasn’t going to write about grief and the holidays. There’s a lot out there already, by people much more knowledgeable than myself. But there’s not a lot out there about dealing with friend grief during the holidays. Is it different? Is grief just…grief?The thing that complicates friend grief at this time of year is the same thing that makes the holidays - at least theoretically - great: family.We are in the midst of several holidays - Thanksgiving (in the U.S.), Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day - that are family/romance oriented. These holidays are defined by family gatherings and traditions.Many of us take time during these holidays to remember family members who are no longer with us. In...
Your Own Personal "Big Chill" Moment
Dec 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This post originally appeared in February. I think it’s a good reminder to not wait until it’s too late to re-connect or keep touch with our friends. The holidays are a perfect excuse, don’t you think?Karen: “You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral.”Michael: “Oh, Karen, I'll come. And, you know... I'll bring a date.”You’re going about your day – conference calls, grocery shopping, carpool – when you get a call, a text, maybe an email with the subject line “sad news”. Someone you know – a friend – has died. And the world stops.It happens to us all eventually. The iconic film about this experience is The Big Chill, the 1983 film about a group of...
No One Expects Their Friends to Die
Dec 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I’m reposting again, a blog entry from last March, originally titled “Let’s Be Careful Out There”.Last night I had dinner with a few of the classmates referred to here. Most of us hadn’t gotten together in over a year, at our last reunion. But thanks to one persistent woman, there were about 20 of us, laughing and catching up. It was, again, as if no time had passed. We noted several who weren’t there: one woman whose mother died a few days ago, another whose husband is ill, still another who has MS. We’re at the age when we get paranoid when someone’s a no-show.So for all our friends, enjoy:At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s...
Friend Grief and Guilt - “My Name is Alex”
Dec 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This blog post originally appeared last February, titled “My Name is Alex”. I think it speaks to another one of those uncomfortable emotions that can complicate grief: guilt. Sometimes there’s just no logical reason why one person lives and another dies. But that doesn’t make us feel any better. It didn’t help Alex, either.Family Ties was a successful sitcom in that ran on CBS from 1982-1989 A family led by parents who’d been hippies in the ‘60’s included one son, a conservative Republican, played by Michael J. Fox.Arguably its most famous story is “My Name is Alex” from the fifth season. Performed live in two back-to-back episodes, the second with no commercial breaks, it opens with the Keaton parents and...
When Your Friend is Trashed in the Press
Dec 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
The combination of anger and grief stirred up a lot of interest here recently. It comes up occasionally in my book. Honestly, it could probably be a book all on its own. You’re expected to be sad when a friend dies. But angry, too?You’re grieving…maybe feeling guilty…and now you realize that the world has a completely distorted view of your friend.Mike Pfeifer and Cliff Kearney were held at gunpoint by three masked men who broke into their home. While Kearney was beaten, one of the robbers fired his sawed-off shotgun to intimidate Pfeifer. When the weapon was pointed at Kearney, Pfeifer grabbed the barrel, and was shot multiple times. The burglars ran, but by the time paramedics arrived, it was...
A Request about Friend Grief
Dec 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
As you probably know, I’m writing a book about people’s experiences grieving the death of a friend. ‘It’s Not Like They’re Family’: Mourning Our Friends and Celebrating Their Lives is a look at the phenomenon of friend grief: the lack of respect for that kind of grief, and how it’s often a catalyst for major life changes.I’m looking for stories for several chapters in the book:Workplace grief: when the friend who died is a co-worker.Community: when the friend who died is a member of a community (religious orders and first responders in particular).People who were shut out by their friend’s family, either while the friend was dying or afterwards (not notified of the death or banned from funeral).And always, what...
