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Grief
Daddy's Friends
Jun 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Daddy and me in the backyardI wrote this last year. Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of my father's death, and as people often say, "I can't believe it's been that long." Sometimes, too, I can't believe it's only been seven years. Most of his friends I wrote about here are still around. This is for them and for Daddy, and all those who grieve a friend this Father's Day weekend.My parents were part of a group of about 6 couples. All had married around 1949, stayed married, raised their families in the same place they grew up themselves. My Dad met one guy when they were 5 years old; others he met when they worked at a factory. The men were...
"Tell Me About Your Friend"
Jun 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
stecchinonyc.comThis is something I shared when I first started this blog early last year. The conference is long over, and we've made a triumphant return visit to Stecchino's since then. But the advice remains solid, especially when it comes to men grieving their friends:We were having dinner at Stecchino’s on 9th Avenue in New York, a lively group of eight who were attending the Writer’s Digest Conference. With the agent Pitch Slam behind us, the tension of the past two days was finally wearing off, aided by wine, laughter and crab cakes.I don’t remember what we were talking about. But suddenly George turned to me and said very matter-of-factly, “my best friend died at 29. It changed...
What Else Do You Grieve When You Grieve Your Friend?
Jun 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
On Friday, we looked at what you grieve when your friend dies: the regrets that revolve around their actual death. Today, I’d like to shift the focus just a bit to answer the question a different way. Because when you grieve the death of your friend, you’re also grieving a part of you.Friends come into our lives at different times: the first day of school or a new job, in a play group or on a sports team.I think it’s safe to say that Shakespeare was right when he insisted that “all the world’s a stage, the men and women merely players”. We may not consider ourselves actors, but we are different people at different times in our lives.I...
What Do You Grieve When You Grieve Your Friend?
Jun 08, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Serenading people on line in Central ParkThat was not a stupid question.The simplest, most basic answer is that you grieve that they are physically gone from this world. Whether you believe in heaven or reincarnation or another consciousness after death, you still mourn their loss.But what else do you grieve?Maybe you found out about their death much later, so you missed the funeral. Maybe you two weren’t speaking, and so were never able to settle your differences and part one last time as friends.Maybe you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.Maybe you never told them you loved them.Maybe you were too embarrassed to tell them how they changed your life.Maybe you didn’t get a chance to help them when...
Coming Attractions on Friend Grief
Jun 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’m in New York this week, for Book Expo America and to meet some writing deadlines that have been hanging over my head. I thought this is a good time to let you know what’s coming up in the next few months here on Friend Grief:1. Guests. I’m quite excited that you’ll be seeing a guest blogger once a month. Men and women, their ages will vary, as will their perspectives. One was a caregiver to her friend, another is a grief professional. Yet another will offer a new take on the AIDS epidemic. All are excellent writers. What they share is the experience of grieving the death of a friend.2. Book reviews. More than one person has pronounced my...
Grieving Online Friends
May 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
socialmedialedger.comLast week I asked if friends we know only online are worth grieving. And I learned something very interesting. I already knew it was true for me, but as it turns out, it was true for a lot of people.People may be in our lives for specific reasons: other moms in the play group, or the guys on the softball team, or the others suffering through a 7:45am algebra class. The friendships we make there may only last as long as those shared activities or interests. A few may endure.Shared purpose draws us to people online as well. We gravitate to like-minded people, whether they agree with our political views, passion for baseball teams, or other common interests. They fill...
Are “Virtual” Friends Worth Grieving?
May 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Do you know your relatives? I don’t mean the ones you’re in close contact with, like immediate family. I mean all of the people you know you’re related to, even the ones you only see at weddings and funerals: the ones whose opening line is always “you don’t remember me, do you?”You probably do, even if you haven’t seen them face to face in decades.Same with friends: some you see or talk to every day, others you only see every 10 years at class reunions. My point is that you’ve seen them, met them face-to-face. That’s how you became friends in the first place.But our lives are different now. We have “virtual” friends, people who may live on the...
Types of Grievers - Part 4
May 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Let's face it: everyone has an opinion, not just about other things but about our own behavior. Imagine feeling you're not allowed to grieve honestly. It happens more often than you think, in this fourth and final look at types of grievers.“You need to be strong for...”“You need to move on.”“Why haven’t you cried?”We all grieve in our own way. But the fourth and final type of griever described here is the type no one wants to be. This griever can’t or won’t express their grief the way that feels most natural to them. Generally speaking, in our culture, men are expected to be the strong ones when dealing with grief, and women are expected to willingly express their feelings.Men...
Types of Grievers - Part 3
May 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
visualphotos.comThis type of griever is, I have to admit, more like me. It's hard for me to not multi-task, even when grieving. I bet you know someone like this.Some people channel their grief into action: running errands, organizing, bringing food to the family.Some people are very open with their feelings, talking and crying when they feel the needThen there are people who do both.I envy them.Those are people who feel comfortable expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable to others. They cry in front of us, not because they expect us to make everything better, but because they need to cry. When they’re not crying – and sometimes even if they are – they keep busy. They organize the gathering...
Types of Grievers - Part 2
May 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
visualphotos.comI'm old enough to remember when Jacqueline Kennedy was criticized for being "cold" at her husband's funeral. People thought she should've been more obviously emotional. Today we look at a type of grieving that our society has forced on men: instrumental.Everyone grieves differently.Often, people assume that someone who cries or talks about the person who has died is not handling their grief well. They are encouraged to stop crying, to not dwell on the past. But for that person, that’s how they express their grief. Others are what may be defined as “instrumental” grievers. Rather than express their grief by crying, they are more likely to intellectualize their grief. They want to understand their grief, but they don’t want...
Types of Grievers - Part 1
May 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A year ago I wrote a series of posts about types of grievers, and I thought it was time to revisit that topic. The first type is "intuitive", and we'll take a look at others types over the next few days.There is no one way to grieve.There is no right way to grieve.Everyone experiences grief in different ways.Some people let themselves grieve in a physical way. Some clinicians refer to them as “intuitive” grievers. Another word for this type of griever could be “emotional”. Their grief is on display, not held back.Intuitive grievers express feelings that are intense. Crying is probably the most common expression, and it mirrors how they are feeling. Typically, in our culture, expressing grief in this way...
Calling All Girlfriends!
May 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
vintagesusie&wings.comI started out writing my book believing I knew one thing for sure: I’d have no trouble finding women to talk about grieving a friend.And that was true. But, as I’ve written here before, the men surprised me with their willingness not just to talk: sometimes they offered to talk, unsolicited. As a result, I currently have an imbalance of male/female stories in my book.Now I’m looking for more women to interview. I’m particularly looking for women who have grieved a friend (male or female) with the following special circumstances: You’re a member of a religious community You’re a first responder or militaryYou channeled your grief into action by supporting a cause that either helped your friend or was otherwise...
Have You Lost a Best Friend?
May 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Dr. Karen Gail LewisI’ve been clear that Friend Grief is a place for those who have grieved the death of a friend to find others who have ‘been there, done that’. It’s helpful, but it’s not meant to be a therapy session (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Sometimes all you need to help you get through this kind of grief is the knowledge that you are not alone.Dr. Beth EricksonBut there are times when you would benefit from talking to a professional. So I’m pleased to let you know about a teleseminar being held tomorrow (May 10) on the topic of losing a best friend:Maybe your friend is still very much alive, but for whatever reason, you’re estranged....
"Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake"
May 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I was fortunate to be in the audience for the Chicago Tribune’s sold out Printers Row Live event on Friday evening, a conversation with author Anna Quindlen. Her new book, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake, is a thoroughly enjoyable reflection as she reaches a milestone birthday this summer: sixty.In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been a fan of Quindlen’s for many years, and not just because we share a birthday. Her writings have spoken to a generation of women whose lives were defined by choices our mothers never enjoyed: choices that complicated as well as simplified our lives.In her latest book, Quindlen takes time to pause, to look at where she’s come from and where she’s...
"Love is in the Details"
May 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
E. Jason Wambsgans, Chicasgo TribuneThe front page of the Chicago Tribune is generally reserved for hard news. And stories that begin “above the fold” are typically national or international in nature. But the story that began just under the masthead on Thursday, with a series of three photos, was very local. You could say it’s a little story. It has no earth-shattering implications for the economy or national security. It’s a story of friendship and loss, and the friends left behind.A year ago yesterday, Justyna Palka, an art director at Ogilvy & Mather, was struck and killed by a tour bus as she crossed a busy intersection in downtown Chicago. The bus driver has an extensive criminal record. He...
Competing Over Grief
May 01, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Karl SpraguePlease welcome my friend, Karl Sprague, who has an important perspective on grieving a friend:It wasn’t the first time I’d canceled a meeting. I knew he was having some business challenges, but several other people needed my help that day. So I canceled. I sent an email apology, along with some available dates on my calendar for us to reschedule. I didn’t hear back right away, but figured we’d get back in touch soon. It happens all the time.Six days later I got a phone call from Anthony’s wife. He was dead. The circumstances were cloudy, and she gave little detail in our short conversation. Subsequent reports suggested it was a suicide. Anthony was my age, with two kids...
Don't Ask, Do Tell: A Response
Apr 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I wrote a blog post about a very sensitive subject: if you knew you were dying, would you tell your friends?Most people were clear that they’d want to know if a friend of theirs was dying. But most people wouldn’t want to share similar news about themselves.One of the comments I received deserved more than a quick response on the blog post. This is it:I have cancer. Telling people was harder than dealing with the disease. The look of devastation on my best friend’s face cut right through my heart. After that, I avoided telling people as long as possible – dealing with their hurt and anxiety on top of the turmoil of emotions and fears I was carrying already...
Live For The Moment
Apr 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
From "Live For The Moment"They’re called “The Dangerous Demographic”: young men. And why not? They think they’re immortal, taking risks that make the rest of us cringe. They race cars, climb mountains, take chances…because they can.But what of those left behind when things go horribly wrong? What about their friends?A study at the University of British Columbia is shining a light on this previously invisible group of mourners. How do young men grieve their friends, those who have died suddenly from accidents?Not surprisingly, the researchers found that men in their 20’s were not immune to societal pressures to ‘man up’. What may surprise you, according to UBC post-doctoral researcher Genevieve Creighton, is that over the long term, suppression of grief...
Worrying About Your Friends
Apr 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of finding out about the deaths of friends. It’s not that I was close to all of them, but they were still a part of my life at some time. So I decided to revisit this post from last spring, because it’s still true.At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s hit Hill Street Blues, Phil would always remind his comrades “let’s be careful out there.”They were cops. They knew every day could be their last.Not everyone lives that consciously, certainly not when they’re younger.But the truth of the matter is, the world is a dangerous place. Stuff happens, no matter where you live.We can eat healthy foods,...
Survivor Guilt
Apr 12, 2012 by Victoria Noe
St. Paul's Chapel near Ground ZeroPerhaps because I’m in New York right now, or because I’m re-visiting the 9/11 Memorial this evening, I had survivor guilt on my mind.This is a post from last year that looks at how guilt – and anger – complicate grief for your friend.In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people...
