Blog
Grief
Don’t Ask…Do Tell
Apr 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
freepresshouston.comLast week I posed a couple of questions: If a friend of yours had a terminal illness, would you want to know? If you had a terminal illness, would you want your friends to know?I got some interesting feedback – both privately and on my Facebook page.For the exact same reasons, the consensus was:“I’d definitely want my friends to tell me. But I wouldn’t tell my friends.”I wasn’t terribly surprised that people feel that way. Often we expect others to do things we ourselves are reluctant to do.But…This isn’t expecting someone to bail us out of jail or share their psych notes. This is about sharing something so serious that anything else pales in comparison (with the possible exception of...
Blindsided by a Friend's Diagnosis
Apr 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A lot of presentations at the recent ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference had to do with end-of-life issues. One of those issues is notification: who is told about a patient’s diagnosis? How are their relationships affected by the news of impending death? I thought I’d revisit this post about how it feels to be blindsided, because you weren’t told your friend was dying. What would you do if you were in their place?We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”....
It’s Time to Get Angry Again
Apr 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The late, great Keith HaringI attended the “Beyond Disenfranchised: LGBTQ Community Resilience and Healing” session at the ADEC (Association for Death Education) conference last week. It was my last session of the only day I was able to spend there. Much like the lunchtime networking group on Buddhism, something drew me to this.It was clear from the start that there was frustration in the room. Some of it was directed towards ADEC, and how the LGBTQ community’s experiences (particularly in terms of medical directives and emotional support for end-of-life issues) were not being included in the larger discussions. The panelists were on the front lines, both in terms of the LGBTQ community as a whole and HIV/AIDS services (which are...
Report from ADEC 2012
Mar 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ADEC logoI just spent a very busy day at the 2012 ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference in Atlanta.On Thursday morning, I made a presentation – “Building Community for Grieving Friends Online” – about the development and marketing of this blog.My audience was knowledgeable and enthusiastic. No one walked out while I was talking (always an ego-boost for a speaker). It was certainly the only session out of many dozens that dealt specifically with grieving a friend. Early in my talk, I quoted one of my favorite stats:“If you Google ‘grieving the death of a friend’, you will get more hits for grieving a 4-legged friend than a human one.”I remember how shocked I was, about 18 months...
Carpe Diem
Mar 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
womansday.comI wrote this a year ago, after visiting a friend who was dying, about how grateful I was to have had that opportunity. My husband and I recently visited a friend who’s dying. His partner has been keeping a group of us up to date on their situation, and on a Saturday afternoon, we were able to visit them. We weren’t alone; two other friends had flown into Chicago from Dallas and Seattle.Our friend looks awful (so does his partner), but for a few minutes, the old energy and sense of humor were back. We all had a lovely visit, though brief.Yes, it was uncomfortable, and yes, it was undeniably sad.But what a gift it was, too.The gift was not...
Of Course I’m Depressed: My Best Friend Died
Mar 26, 2012 by Victoria Noe
illustrationsof.comFor the past few weeks, the world has weighed in on a debate that could potentially affect us all.The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5 – the Bible of psychiatric disorders – could include grief as a form of severe depression.There is little debate that elements of grief are consistent with mild depression: mood swings, inability to sleep or enjoy normal activities. It can be difficult for seasoned professionals to differentiate between the two.A diagnosis of clinical depression is not something to be taken lightly. And normal grief can spiral into clinical depression. There are already protocols in place to deal with severe depression.But turning normal grief into something that requires therapy and/or medication after two weeks…well, to me that’s going too...
Workplace Grief: IndyCar-Style
Mar 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
radiomichigana.comWhen we hear the term ‘workplace grief’, we probably think of a traditional business setting. Maybe a former employee came back and shot people. Maybe the boss dropped dead of a heart attack. Maybe there was an accident.But people make their livings in a lot of places that aren’t cubicles: baseball diamonds, stages, beaches, movie theatres, day care centers, gyms.Sometimes, by virtual of their professions, people also find themselves in the public eye. Knowing you’re going to – rightly or wrongly – be judged by the media and strangers can reasonably compound your grief for your co-worker.Last October, Dan Wheldon died in a horrific crash at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. British-born Wheldon, the two-time Indianapolis 500 winner, lived in St....
When Your Pain is Self-Inflicted
Mar 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Christopher MeeksAs we grow older, we lose more friends. It’s just the way it is. Call it “life”; “the law of averages”. Maybe you just think of it as “shit happens”.Author Christopher Meeks wrote on HuffPost50 about the death of his friend, Andy LaMarca. He begins by recounting Shakespeare’s “seven ages of man” from As You Like It.“There’s a stage that Shakespeare didn’t define, but it’s the decade where everyone you love starts dying.”It’s humbling and infuriating and too damn sad for words sometimes. “There is no answer to ‘is it fair?’” he says. “It just is.”As I’ve written here before, life has a way of detouring us, despite our best intentions. We get complacent (a nice euphemism for ‘lazy’)....
Friend Grief Lessons from "The Big Chill"
Mar 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
This was the basis of one of my first blog posts, but it still resonates today: what happens when we receive the sudden, shocking news of a friend's death.Some of us are "at that age" when it seems we get this kind of news all-too-frequently. I've found out about the deaths of two friends - via Facebook status updates - in the past 6 weeks. It doesn't get easier. But you can lessen the guilt.Karen: “You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral.”Michael: “Oh, Karen, I'll come. And, you know... I'll bring a date.”You’re going about your day – conference calls, grocery shopping, carpool – when you get a call, a text, maybe an email with the...
Mars and Venus Grieve Their Friends
Mar 14, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Many books have been written about the differences between men and women, especially regarding relationships. Mostly, they focus on romantic relationships. Some consider friendships: girlfriends and “the guys”. If you asked a group of people if men grieve differently, I’m guessing most would say yes. They’d insist that men work through their grief by doing things: keeping up with familiar routines or running errands for the family of their friend who died.They may insist just as strongly that women talk through their feelings. Men are assumed to not want to verbalize their grief, much less share it.Well, that described my opinion. When I started interviewing people for my book, I approached the men with pre-conceived notions about how they’d respond....
Grieving for a Celebrity “Friend”
Mar 05, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Davy Jones "Did you hear who died? Because if you didn’t, you need to sit down.”That was the text I sent to my girlfriend last week. I saw the news on Facebook and Twitter, and when I didn’t hear from Eileen immediately, I realized she must not know what happened.She responded instantly, asking who it was.I hesitated. I was the one who called her almost 30 years ago to tell her that one of her very favorite actors had died. This was another sudden death.“Jones.”“Jones” was Davy Jones of the Monkees, who died of a heart attack last week at the age of 66.In the interest of full disclosure, in high school we (and a few other girls, too)...
When a Friend’s Diagnosis Scares You
Feb 27, 2012 by Victoria Noe
“I read the news today, oh, boy…”When I was a kid, it seemed that old people talked about nothing but aches and pains. If asked how she was feeling, the most optimistic response my great-aunt could come up with was, “well, not too bad”. And while I’m not there yet, as we age we see glimpses of declining health. Sore knees and weakened eyes become the rule rather than the exception, both in ourselves and our friends.We may complain about not being able to play certain sports anymore, but, hey, we’re still here, right?Then one day you get the phone call or the email, or you see a post on Facebook. One of your friends is sick, really sick: dying....
Disenfranchised (Friend) Grief
Feb 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Last April, I wrote about the concept of "disenfranchised grief". If you've experienced a lack of empathy - perhaps even a callous disregard for your grief - you already know what I'm talking about. On this blog and in my book, I try to shine a light on this kind of grief:I didn’t know when I decided to write my book that there was such a thing as “disenfranchised grief”, coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka of the College of New Rochelle, in 1989. In the 2002 revision of his Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow, Dr. Doka observes how the grief a friend experiences can be dismissed:“Often there is no recognized role in which mourners can assert the right to mourn and thus receive such...
Writing about Grief Gets to You, Too
Feb 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The "Survivor Tree" at Ground ZeroI’ve had interesting reactions when I tell people I’m writing about the experience of grieving the death of a friend. “Oh…that’s depressing…”I insist they’re – mostly – wrong, and truly, I believe it.But there are times when you want to rush the grieving process along, when it wears on you, when it seems as though it will never end.I’ve found the same thing goes for reading and writing about it. You think it won’t affect you. But it does.One of the hardest – though not the hardest – topic I’ve written about here and in my book is 9/11. It’s not because I knew someone who died that day; I was mistaken in thinking that...
Friend Grief When a Colleague Dies
Feb 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeff Zaslow and The Girls from AmesIn the course of your working life, you will have worked with hundreds, maybe thousands of people.Co-workers may play in the same band, or share a claustrophobic cubicle. They may work on a project together, or just pass by in the hallway. They may share living quarters, like firefighters or monks. They may work together for weeks or months or years.Not all co-workers are friends: many are rivals. But often shared experiences, born from impossible deadlines or the excitement of creating something special, forge lifelong friendships.Several people I’ve interviewed for my book have talked about their grief at losing a colleague. Others are talking about it this week, with news of the deaths of...
Trying to Avoid Friend Grief? Good Luck with That
Feb 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A rose for each classmate who diedFirst of all, right off the bat, I’m going to say you can’t avoid friend grief. You can’t avoid grieving when a friend dies. But bear with me and read on.We grieve our friends because we love them. We grieve for anything we’ve lost: hair, energy, good looks, high metabolism, our first car. Why wouldn’t we grieve for friends?When someone is a part of your life – or was a part of your life – and they’re gone, there is a noticeable hole. Your life is now incomplete. That part of your life existed in part because of that friend. Your witness is gone.What if I hadn’t had the courage to strike up conversations...
“We’re at That Age” – Well, That Sucks
Feb 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Anytime my husband and I discuss a friend’s health issues – or sudden death – I can count on him to say, “we’re at that age”. It’s meant to explain away whatever’s happening, as if it were the only possible reason.Of course, to some extent that’s true. One of the downsides of growing older is that we lose a lot of people we love. We expect our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles to die; after all, they’re a generation older than we are.But when people our own age – not to mention those younger – die, it’s a double loss. Because when our friends die, we lose a little of ourselves, too.I’ve spent the past couple weeks dealing with loss...
“We Didn’t Lose a Person…We Absorbed Him”
Feb 10, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Photo by Carlos IamaguaOne of the reactions we have after the death of a friend is fear: fear that they will be forgotten. People who have made a name for themselves in their chosen professions will likely be remembered in some way. But normal folks – the 99%, if you will – do not have buildings or highways named after them. They don’t leave works of art that will live forever. They’re just…normal folks.So when faced with these truths, what’s a friend to do? You donate money to their favorite charity. You wear a t-shirt with their picture on it. You have Mass offered on their birthday. You make a point to stay in touch with their family. You name...
Another Look at Friend Grief and Anger
Feb 08, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A few months ago I decided to write about friend grief and anger. To be honest, I don't remember what possessed me to do it. But the reactions I got from this - and follow-up posts - were painful and raw. It reminded some people of their anger. It also gave some people comfort. So be warned that this could do either of those things - or something completely different. Anger is the dirty little secret of grief. And that's what we're considering here:Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never more than when you’re...
Time is Not on Your Side
Feb 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I thought I'd repost this today, as I prepare to attend the memorial service for John Northage. All evidence to the contrary, most of us live our lives as if we have unlimited time: time to do and say the things that are important. Today I'm reminded that our time here is too brief. If you have something to say to your friends, say it. You'll both be glad you did.“Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald I heard that line while watching a rerun of Law & Order: UK, and I thought it was perfect for the topic of grieving the death...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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