Blog
Death Cafe and Other Events
Oct 10, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I’ve been co-facilitating Death Café events in Chicago for almost a year now. Our events have attracted over 150 attendees. Some of those who attended are now facilitating their own Death Cafés, and I couldn’t be more excited.For those not familiar with Death Café, I highly recommend their website. You’ll not only learn the history, but read fascinating accounts of what people are doing in Death Cafés in the UK, Canada, Italy, Australia and all around the US. No two are the same, but all have the same goal: to provide a safe, supportive environment for people to discuss issues surrounding death and dying, with a goal to making the most of their finite lives.After our last event – which...
Avoid Friend Guilt
Oct 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When someone dies, those left behind often feel some measure of guilt. Sometimes the guilt is directly related to the death: why didn’t I take the car keys away from him? Sometimes the guilt is a little narcissistic, the assumption being that we had the power to keep that friend alive…if only we’d done X, Y or Z. And sometimes the guilt is about something very personal, very small in the great scheme of things: sometimes we feel guilty for what we didn’t say.I don’t believe I ever told any of my friends I loved them until after 9/11. The shock of that day – and later finding out that I knew someone who died in the towers – prompted...
Helping Friends Pick Funeral Music
Sep 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
There seem to be two types of funerals. One is the kind that makes us cringe, may even make us angry. It’s where the person leading the service never met the person who died. It’s obvious – they ramble on in general, pious terms. They mispronounce the deceased’s name. Times like those I want to walk up to the front, say “shut up and sit down” and invite friends and family to do a better job.Then there are those we never forget. I’ve been to a few, where the eulogies made us laugh, made us cry, and even made us give standing ovations. And the music…well, the music makes all the difference.I remember walking into my friend Delle’s apartment...
National Suicide Prevention Month
Sep 17, 2013 by Victoria Noe
September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and if it seems like suicide is in the news more lately, there’s a reason for it. The numbers (not just awareness) are up and three groups of people seem most at risk: teenagers, military and Baby Boomers.We’ve known that teenagers are at risk for suicide for a long time. Raging hormones, pressure from parents and school, drugs and alcohol make a deadly combination. But a large number of suicides of teenagers – and even pre-teens – can be traced to bullying. Kids whose only crime is being different or being sensitive or smart or small for their age are hounded by bullies: on the school bus, on the internet, even getting text messages...
Celebrating on 9/11?
Sep 11, 2013 by Victoria Noe
It feels a little odd to be happy on September 11.Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the world should stop spinning today. People should go to work and school, do their grocery shopping, eat birthday cake (the biggest piece, with the rose on it).But today is the release of the third book in my Friend Grief series, Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners. As I tweeted to a friend yesterday, I’m not always happy with what I write, but I’m happy with and proud of this book.It turned out a little differently than I expected. It has turned into an advocacy piece, because of the people I interviewed and learned about.The 9/11 Memorial – a beautiful place everyone...
The Next Friend Grief Book
Sep 03, 2013 by Victoria Noe
“Families only.”Those who were killed on September 11, 2001 left behind more than family members. They left thousands of friends who are often forgotten and ignored: co-workers, first responders, neighbors and survivors who struggle to find a way to grieve the friends killed when the World Trade Center towers fell. In Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners you’ll learn how they adjust to life without their friends and find ways to honor those they lost on a clear, blue Tuesday. It’s been two years since I wrote a post hereabout what became the basis of this book: the hierarchy of grief in the 9/11 community. But let’s be honest: does the world need another book about 9/11? As it turns...
What’s New on Friend Grief?
Aug 27, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I always considered the first day of school to be more like the start of a new year than January 1st: lots of new beginnings and excitement (not to mention shopping for new clothes and supplies). There is certainly a lot of excitement here (though not much shopping)! So, I thought I’d bring you up to date on what’s coming up with Friend Grief in the next month:1. I’ll be a guest on Madeline Sharples’ websitetomorrow, August 28, talking about how my writing made me an activist - again.2. Through Labor Day, I’ll donate 25% of the price of the paperback and e-book versions of the second book in the Friend Griefseries, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our...
Scattering Ashes at Death Cafe'
Aug 21, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Monday night we had another successful Death Café in Evanston, Illinois. Nearly 50 people joined us for coffee, tea, cookies and muffins while we talked about issues surrounding death and dying. We broke up into four groups, each led by a facilitator, for an hour. The conversations were wide-ranging and passionate. My group included people of various religions and no religion; male and female; college-age through retirement. No one was required to share, but most had feelings they wanted to express. Honestly, we could’ve talked for hours.At one point, in discussing our own final wishes, we focused on burial vs. cremation, and, in the latter case, how to dispose of the ashes. Fears of being caught spreading ashes in...
Grief Trolls
Aug 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
darkpsychology.coThe internet can be a source of great knowledge. It can bring people together. But there is a dark side, too. Many people have found Facebook and other social media sites to be helpful as they grieve. Information about a person’s death is easily disseminated, along with funeral arrangements. Its efficiency is a blessing for the families, because it eliminates the need to make dozens of emotional phone calls. Tribute pages are set up by family and friends, as a way for people to express their grief and share memories of the person who died. Not everyone can attend a funeral or memorial service, and this gives them the opportunity to give comfort to those left behind.There is a...
What Do You Miss The Most?
Aug 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Delle's scarfOn Saturday I went to Halsted Street Days, a street festival in the heart of Chicago’s gay community. I’d been there many times over the years, and have watched it grow more mainstream: Walmart and Marriott had booths.But as I walked through the crowds, past the bars and my favorite Chinese restaurant, I began to think of friends long-gone. There were many, not all of them from the time in my life when I was involved in the AIDS community. And when I thought of them, there always seemed to be one thing that immediately came to mind. I miss Mary Ellen’s laugh: always loud and unrestrained, occasionally embarrassing but always sincere.I miss Steve’s work ethic and child-like...
What A Death Café is All About
Aug 03, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Dan Bulf and I recently facilitated our second Death Café in the Chicago area, this time in the near north suburb of Evanston. It was a huge success, just in terms of numbers: more than double what we expected.Our next one will be held August 19 in a larger space, at the Evanston Public Library. That one’s filling up very quickly, too. We will undoubtedly have to cut off registrations soon, especially because of the great press coverage we’ve received. REGISTRATION IS NOW CLOSED.Hereis a terrific article by Jessica Reynolds in this weekend’s Chicago Tribune. It gives you a real sense of what it’s like to be there: the conversation, the emotion, the camaraderie.You can sign up for our mailing...
What Could Be Worse Than A Friend’s Death?
Jul 25, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Surviving. Of course we survive. We wouldn’t be here to grieve our friends if we weren’t alive. Sometimes the depth of that grief takes us by surprise, which is one of the reasons why I started this blog and my books.But when I started writing about grieving the death of a friend, I didn’t expect to find that survivor guilt plays such a huge role in the lives of many people.While researching the second book in my series, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends, I learned that one of the biggest issues for long-time HIV+ men is survivor guilt. Like me, they lost a lot of friends: dozens, even hundreds. But because of luck or...
Fun at a Death Café? Sure!
Jul 21, 2013 by Victoria Noe
On July 15, Dan Bulf and I held our second Chicago-area Death Café. We’d hoped for 20 people, but we were stunned when our lovely room at Curt’s Café in Evanston was filled to overflowing with 40. The poor air conditioning couldn’t keep up. Thank God for iced tea! There were many there whose work involves confronting death: hospital chaplains, social workers, grief counselors, hospice volunteers. There were men and women of various ethnic groups and a wide age range: 20’s to a self-professed 87 years old. But that didn’t mean they had talked about their own, personal feelings about death.We broke into four groups for wide-ranging conversations about our attitudes towards death and dying, particularly our own death....
Watching Nelson Mandela Die
Jul 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
There are few recognizable names that evoke as much respect as Nelson Mandela. His dignity and sense of purpose in changing his South Africa have inspired millions around the world. It pains me now to watch the news, not of his failing health, but of his very public, forced lingering. Now on a ventilator, he cannot speak, but also cannot die.No one wants to think about death. It’s probably the least popular topic of conversation imaginable. But talk about it we must, or risk complications beyond our imagination.Many people never put their wishes in writing. According to an online legal service, Rocket Lawyer, 71% of adults under 34 do not have a will; 41% of Baby Boomers do not....
AIDS: Mad as Hell. Again.
Jul 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
(This is a little long, so bear with me) I planned to walk in Chicago’s Gay Pride parade last Sunday. But by the time I got near the staging area to join my group, the pain in my hip was growing worse by the minute. I knew I couldn’t walk, and even riding in the truck would be more than uncomfortable; forget about standing for a couple hours. I bailed just before it started. But before I did, I got mad.It wasn’t my first Pride parade. I rode on the Chicago House float in 1990, when I was on staff there and the AIDS epidemic was going full force. I’d attended the parade, lived on the route, got caught...
Evanston's First Death Cafe
Jul 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Last fall, I co-hosted the first Death Café in Chicago. Death…what??? A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic opportunity for people to come together and discuss topics surrounding death and grief. The objective of this movement is "To increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives".Begun in Switzerland, it spread to the UK and the US. Since 2011, over 1,000 people of all ages have attended a Death Café. Our next Death Café will be held Monday, July 15 at Curt’s Café in Evanston, Illinois. It’s open to anyone with questions about death and grief, because no one has all the answers.A Death Café offers you the opportunity to...
Saving Grief Until After Wimbledon
Jun 28, 2013 by Victoria Noe
stream.goodwin.drexel.eduI’m not a huge tennis fan; in fact, I’m still learning the game. But I became a fan of Novak Djokovic a couple years ago. Part of it was because he’s from Belgrade; my mother’s family is from Zemun, about 10 miles away. Part of it was his style of play and manner. So many athletes are loud, rude, and arrogant. But I enjoyed his funny Facebook posts and learning about his involvement in charitable work in his hometown.During the French Open, I heard about the death of his childhood coach, Jelena Gencic. I immediately remembered a 60 Minutes interview I’d watched last year, where he was shown returning to Belgrade to visit with her. Their love and respect...
ACT UP/NY’s Non-Reunion Reunion
Jun 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Few things get your attention like hearing the news a friend has died. For many of the original members of ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power), the death of Spencer Cox was just such a wake-up call.Keep in mind that these were men and women who lost dozens, if not hundreds, of friends to AIDS. They were on the front lines of the epidemic: educating, advocating, demonstrating, demanding. Some of them carry the AIDS virus themselves, saved by the ‘cocktail’ developed in 1996.So you could forgive them if the numbness of experiencing so many losses would affect their ability to grieve. Similar to the military, you have to put your grief aside because the deaths just keep on coming....
Friend Grief Has Come A Long Way
Jun 14, 2013 by Victoria Noe
In January, 2011, I was preparing to go to my first writer’s conference, where I would be pitching agents for the first time. Part of my research was something that I used to impress upon people – not just agents – the need for a discussion about grieving a friend. So I Googled “grieving the death of a friend”. I expected to find some references to a mostly academic book on the subject. But as I scrolled through the top 100 listings, I was startled:More than half were for people who hadn’t lost a friend, but wanted to help a friend who was grieving. There were more listings for people grieving the death of a pet than a human...
Talking About Friend Grief at BEA
Jun 07, 2013 by Victoria Noe
publishingtrendsetter.comI recently attended Book Expo America, the largest publishing trade event in the country. It’s exhausting: roaming dozens of aisles filled with hundreds of publishers. They’re there to promote new books, authors, services. It’s crowded and noisy and severely over-caffeinated (despite the presence of only one Starbucks in the whole Jacob Javits Center. And there are lots of free books and other swag to take home. You need comfortable shoes and a rolling suitcase to survive.I was there mainly to get new and upcoming books to review on BroadwayWorld.com. But I was also there to talk to some of my production partners (Kobo, Amazon, etc.) and check out any relevant new titles for my research.When people asked what I write...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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