Blog
Changing Your Focus After Losing a Friend
Jun 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
You probably went through – or are going through – a very dark period of time after your friend died. Maybe you felt guilt or regret or rage or just a heavy, heavy sadness.For some people a light bulb goes off.You can call it a wake-up call, a sign from God, a slap in the face. But sometimes it takes the death of a friend to get you moving in a different direction.It seems to happen most when the friend is your age or younger. You see the lost potential of their life, and it makes you look at yours: potential and life.You may have been vaguely restless before all this happened. You may have been quite content with...
Little Ways to Remember Your Friend
Jun 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Some of the people profiled here in Friend Grief have done big, impressive things after their friend died. Maybe they founded a charity or made big changes in their own lives. Not everyone can do something big and expensive. Not everyone wants to. And often, it’s the little things that count.Here are a few ideas of things you can do to remember your friend: -Visit their grave, or have flowers sent there on a day that was special only to the two of you.-If a memorial Facebook page was set up for them, post a comment, just to say you’re thinking about them.-Play a song that reminds you of them.-Go someplace you used to go together. Don’t be surprised...
"Bury His Heart, But Not His Love"
Jun 26, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Shannon Stapleton/Reuters/LandovWe'll continue contsidering how people honor the memory of their friend by taking another look at one of the most popular posts on Friend Grief. It's a look back at the eulogy given for Fr. Mychal Judge, FDNY chaplain who died on 9/11. Giving the eulogy was not something his friend planned to do, but he certainly rose to the occasion:I've never been called upon to give a eulogy for a friend. I wrote the eulogy a hospice chaplain read for my father’s funeral. I’ve made remarks at friends’ memorial services. But I’ve never given a formal eulogy: never stood up in front of a gathering of mourners, script in hand, before a microphone, praying for strength.The photo here is one...
How Do You Honor Your Friend?
Jun 22, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ehow.comFor the next few posts, I’m going to look at the ways some people have honored a friend who has died. In many ways, this blog is a way for me to honor a friend. Before she died, I promised my friend, Delle Chatman, that I’d write a book about what people go through when their friends die. She was enthusiastic and supportive, as always. It took almost 3 years to finally get going, but later this summer, I’ll be self-publishing a small e-book, My Best Friend Died and No One Gives a Damn. The bigger book is still in progress, though it’s getting close. She’s taken over my life, changing my career path in a very unexpected way....
Caregiver to Your Friend: Compassion Fatigue
Jun 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I thought this was a great topic to address after Tracey Carruther’s beautiful guest post here on Tuesday. In it, she made it clear that she was deeply affected by the experience of caring for our friend, Delle Chatman, during the last two months of Delle’s life. Having already been through the deaths of multiple loved ones, Tracey still wasn’t prepared for the deep physical, emotional and spiritual effects that took her a year to address.Patricia Smith is the founder of Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project, and author of To Weep for a Stranger: Compassion Fatigue in Caregiving. Though Delle – and Tracey’s family and friends who died before her – was hardly a stranger, Smith’s insights are relevant to anyone...
Life, Loss and Legacy: Guest Post by Tracey Carruthers
Jun 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Tracey CarruthersI met Tracey in October, 2006, when she came to Chicago to move in with our friend, Delle Chatman. Her devotion to making Delle’s last days as meaningful and peaceful as possible was inspiring (if sometimes annoying when I was feeling most selfish). Her reflection on those days is longer than my typical posts, but worth every word. I'm grateful that she was there for Delle and has shared her experience with us all: Thought doesn’t get much more personal and unclear than during a time of loss. In a way, in the matter of how we feel and how we deal with our feelings, it really doesn’t matter what the loss is; a job, a bet, a game,...
Daddy's Friends
Jun 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Daddy and me in the backyardI wrote this last year. Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of my father's death, and as people often say, "I can't believe it's been that long." Sometimes, too, I can't believe it's only been seven years. Most of his friends I wrote about here are still around. This is for them and for Daddy, and all those who grieve a friend this Father's Day weekend.My parents were part of a group of about 6 couples. All had married around 1949, stayed married, raised their families in the same place they grew up themselves. My Dad met one guy when they were 5 years old; others he met when they worked at a factory. The men were...
"Tell Me About Your Friend"
Jun 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
stecchinonyc.comThis is something I shared when I first started this blog early last year. The conference is long over, and we've made a triumphant return visit to Stecchino's since then. But the advice remains solid, especially when it comes to men grieving their friends:We were having dinner at Stecchino’s on 9th Avenue in New York, a lively group of eight who were attending the Writer’s Digest Conference. With the agent Pitch Slam behind us, the tension of the past two days was finally wearing off, aided by wine, laughter and crab cakes.I don’t remember what we were talking about. But suddenly George turned to me and said very matter-of-factly, “my best friend died at 29. It changed...
What Else Do You Grieve When You Grieve Your Friend?
Jun 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
On Friday, we looked at what you grieve when your friend dies: the regrets that revolve around their actual death. Today, I’d like to shift the focus just a bit to answer the question a different way. Because when you grieve the death of your friend, you’re also grieving a part of you.Friends come into our lives at different times: the first day of school or a new job, in a play group or on a sports team.I think it’s safe to say that Shakespeare was right when he insisted that “all the world’s a stage, the men and women merely players”. We may not consider ourselves actors, but we are different people at different times in our lives.I...
What Do You Grieve When You Grieve Your Friend?
Jun 08, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Serenading people on line in Central ParkThat was not a stupid question.The simplest, most basic answer is that you grieve that they are physically gone from this world. Whether you believe in heaven or reincarnation or another consciousness after death, you still mourn their loss.But what else do you grieve?Maybe you found out about their death much later, so you missed the funeral. Maybe you two weren’t speaking, and so were never able to settle your differences and part one last time as friends.Maybe you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.Maybe you never told them you loved them.Maybe you were too embarrassed to tell them how they changed your life.Maybe you didn’t get a chance to help them when...
Coming Attractions on Friend Grief
Jun 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’m in New York this week, for Book Expo America and to meet some writing deadlines that have been hanging over my head. I thought this is a good time to let you know what’s coming up in the next few months here on Friend Grief:1. Guests. I’m quite excited that you’ll be seeing a guest blogger once a month. Men and women, their ages will vary, as will their perspectives. One was a caregiver to her friend, another is a grief professional. Yet another will offer a new take on the AIDS epidemic. All are excellent writers. What they share is the experience of grieving the death of a friend.2. Book reviews. More than one person has pronounced my...
Grieving Online Friends
May 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
socialmedialedger.comLast week I asked if friends we know only online are worth grieving. And I learned something very interesting. I already knew it was true for me, but as it turns out, it was true for a lot of people.People may be in our lives for specific reasons: other moms in the play group, or the guys on the softball team, or the others suffering through a 7:45am algebra class. The friendships we make there may only last as long as those shared activities or interests. A few may endure.Shared purpose draws us to people online as well. We gravitate to like-minded people, whether they agree with our political views, passion for baseball teams, or other common interests. They fill...
Memorial Day - Remembering Military Friends
May 25, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Seaman Robert F. NoeI intended to spend today considering responses to Wednesday's post about whether online friends are 'worth' grieving. But responses are still coming in, so I decided to let that topic percolate for a week. So if you want to join that discussion, feel free.Below is my post from last Memorial Day. We won't actually celebrate it until Monday, but I think it's worth looking at again, with a recommendation of how you can show your appreciation to our troops.I was thinking today, Memorial Day, about my father. He enlisted in the Navy in January, 1946, at the age of 17. Too late for the war, he spent two years up and down the coast of California. He...
Are “Virtual” Friends Worth Grieving?
May 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Do you know your relatives? I don’t mean the ones you’re in close contact with, like immediate family. I mean all of the people you know you’re related to, even the ones you only see at weddings and funerals: the ones whose opening line is always “you don’t remember me, do you?”You probably do, even if you haven’t seen them face to face in decades.Same with friends: some you see or talk to every day, others you only see every 10 years at class reunions. My point is that you’ve seen them, met them face-to-face. That’s how you became friends in the first place.But our lives are different now. We have “virtual” friends, people who may live on the...
Types of Grievers - Part 4
May 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Let's face it: everyone has an opinion, not just about other things but about our own behavior. Imagine feeling you're not allowed to grieve honestly. It happens more often than you think, in this fourth and final look at types of grievers.“You need to be strong for...”“You need to move on.”“Why haven’t you cried?”We all grieve in our own way. But the fourth and final type of griever described here is the type no one wants to be. This griever can’t or won’t express their grief the way that feels most natural to them. Generally speaking, in our culture, men are expected to be the strong ones when dealing with grief, and women are expected to willingly express their feelings.Men...
Types of Grievers - Part 3
May 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
visualphotos.comThis type of griever is, I have to admit, more like me. It's hard for me to not multi-task, even when grieving. I bet you know someone like this.Some people channel their grief into action: running errands, organizing, bringing food to the family.Some people are very open with their feelings, talking and crying when they feel the needThen there are people who do both.I envy them.Those are people who feel comfortable expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable to others. They cry in front of us, not because they expect us to make everything better, but because they need to cry. When they’re not crying – and sometimes even if they are – they keep busy. They organize the gathering...
Types of Grievers - Part 2
May 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
visualphotos.comI'm old enough to remember when Jacqueline Kennedy was criticized for being "cold" at her husband's funeral. People thought she should've been more obviously emotional. Today we look at a type of grieving that our society has forced on men: instrumental.Everyone grieves differently.Often, people assume that someone who cries or talks about the person who has died is not handling their grief well. They are encouraged to stop crying, to not dwell on the past. But for that person, that’s how they express their grief. Others are what may be defined as “instrumental” grievers. Rather than express their grief by crying, they are more likely to intellectualize their grief. They want to understand their grief, but they don’t want...
Types of Grievers - Part 1
May 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A year ago I wrote a series of posts about types of grievers, and I thought it was time to revisit that topic. The first type is "intuitive", and we'll take a look at others types over the next few days.There is no one way to grieve.There is no right way to grieve.Everyone experiences grief in different ways.Some people let themselves grieve in a physical way. Some clinicians refer to them as “intuitive” grievers. Another word for this type of griever could be “emotional”. Their grief is on display, not held back.Intuitive grievers express feelings that are intense. Crying is probably the most common expression, and it mirrors how they are feeling. Typically, in our culture, expressing grief in this way...
Calling All Girlfriends!
May 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
vintagesusie&wings.comI started out writing my book believing I knew one thing for sure: I’d have no trouble finding women to talk about grieving a friend.And that was true. But, as I’ve written here before, the men surprised me with their willingness not just to talk: sometimes they offered to talk, unsolicited. As a result, I currently have an imbalance of male/female stories in my book.Now I’m looking for more women to interview. I’m particularly looking for women who have grieved a friend (male or female) with the following special circumstances: You’re a member of a religious community You’re a first responder or militaryYou channeled your grief into action by supporting a cause that either helped your friend or was otherwise...
Have You Lost a Best Friend?
May 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Dr. Karen Gail LewisI’ve been clear that Friend Grief is a place for those who have grieved the death of a friend to find others who have ‘been there, done that’. It’s helpful, but it’s not meant to be a therapy session (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Sometimes all you need to help you get through this kind of grief is the knowledge that you are not alone.Dr. Beth EricksonBut there are times when you would benefit from talking to a professional. So I’m pleased to let you know about a teleseminar being held tomorrow (May 10) on the topic of losing a best friend:Maybe your friend is still very much alive, but for whatever reason, you’re estranged....
