Blog
Remembering Your Friends…In a Eulogy
Jan 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
This week I said that we’d be looking at some of the many ways we can remember a friend who has died. One way is through words, specifically in their eulogy. I’ve been to too many funerals where the minister didn’t know the deceased at all, and that never fails to make me angry. What is the purpose of a eulogy? If the purpose is to make total strangers feel they knew that person, then in this re-post from June, Fr. Duffy succeeded. If he wanted us all to remember Fr. Judge for years to come, well, I think he succeeded there, too:I’ve never been called upon to give a eulogy for a friend. I wrote the eulogy a hospice...
A 2012 Plan for Grieving Your Friends
Jan 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
9/11 Remembrance ribbons on the fence at St. Paul's ChapelNew YearClean SlateClear the DecksIf only…I’m not suggesting ignoring your grief. I’m not suggesting pretending you didn’t lose a friend. What I am suggesting is finding a way to channel that grief, finding a way to create something new and positive.One of the feelings most often felt when a friend dies is that we want to be sure they’re not forgotten.So maybe we visit the cemetery, or post on their memorial Facebook page.But how about taking that a step further? How about actively doing something to remember them?Carol Demitz was a classmate of mine. We didn’t travel in the same circles, but we had classes together in our small Catholic girls high...
New Year’s Resolutions…About Friend Grief?
Jan 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Today is the second day of 2012. Have you broken any New Year’s resolutions yet?We start the year with such good intentions: lose weight, exercise more, save money, travel. We expect that it will be easy to keep them.Then something happens. We realize just how hard it is to keep those resolutions. We fall off the wagon once, and decide we’ve failed. So we give up. And it’s not February yet. Pathetic, isn’t it?But I would propose that you go ahead and make New Year’s resolutions about friend grief.1. Don’t ignore your grief. It will bite you in the butt when you least expect it.2. Don’t keep your grief bottled up inside. Share it with a therapist, in a group,...
Friend Grief and Closure for 2011
Dec 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In my last blog post of this amazing year, I thought I’d revisit a topic that came up a few months ago. Last May, after the death of Osama bin Laden, I wrote about what I called “the myth of closure”. It’s supposed to be something you aspire to, but it often feels just out of reach: because it may never be possible.“Closure: the sense of finality and coming to terms with an experience, felt or experienced over time.” – Encarta Dictionary“Closure” is a word frequently invoked in grief-related literature. Events are said to bring “closure” to people who grieve: discovery of remains, burial, 1st anniversaries, etc.But the news of the death of Osama bin Laden may only be initially...
Friend Grief and Laughter
Dec 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This post originally appeared last March, about one of my favorite TV series, The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Although something very tragic had happened, the resulting humor is something we can all identify with - for better or worse.Laughing at funerals is generally frowned upon (Irish wakes notwithstanding).People are expected to act a certain way: maybe not grief-stricken, but at least respectful of those who are and the person who has died. You get a lot of dirty looks if you’re the only one laughing.In recent years, there has been a movement to make wakes and funerals and memorial services more of a celebration of life. Laughing – in the context of shared memories – has become appropriate. Considered by...
Friend Grief and the Holidays
Dec 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I wasn’t going to write about grief and the holidays. There’s a lot out there already, by people much more knowledgeable than myself. But there’s not a lot out there about dealing with friend grief during the holidays. Is it different? Is grief just…grief?The thing that complicates friend grief at this time of year is the same thing that makes the holidays - at least theoretically - great: family.We are in the midst of several holidays - Thanksgiving (in the U.S.), Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day - that are family/romance oriented. These holidays are defined by family gatherings and traditions.Many of us take time during these holidays to remember family members who are no longer with us. In...
Friend Grief and "The Concert for George"
Dec 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This post originally appeared in February, but I’m quite partial to the documentary of this concert. At first I was drawn to it because I’m a huge fan of George Harrison. But as I watched the special on PBS, I became more and more entranced by the commentary from Eric Clapton and others. You’ll see why:“All I wanted to do was really share our love for George and his music with the people. I need to do this for him, but it’s for me most of all – I need to be able to express my grief in this sort of way.” – Eric ClaptonHow do we memorialize our friends? How do we show the world how much that person...
Your Own Personal "Big Chill" Moment
Dec 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This post originally appeared in February. I think it’s a good reminder to not wait until it’s too late to re-connect or keep touch with our friends. The holidays are a perfect excuse, don’t you think?Karen: “You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral.”Michael: “Oh, Karen, I'll come. And, you know... I'll bring a date.”You’re going about your day – conference calls, grocery shopping, carpool – when you get a call, a text, maybe an email with the subject line “sad news”. Someone you know – a friend – has died. And the world stops.It happens to us all eventually. The iconic film about this experience is The Big Chill, the 1983 film about a group of...
Why We Miss Our Friends During the Holidays
Dec 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
We are in the final stretch now, before Hanukkah and Christmas. Many of us are running on adrenaline as we race to get everything bought, wrapped, cooked, served, addressed and mailed. We wonder sometimes why we’re making ourselves crazy for festivities that are over so quickly.We do it because…well, we’ve always done it, or we’ve let it get out of control. We do it for our families. We do it for the kids. And possibly, we’ll be able to stop and remember the true meaning of the holidays.Yes, the holidays are about family, no doubt about it. Friends are often pushed aside (family comes first).I remember coming home for Christmas or Thanksgiving and spending more time with my friends than...
No One Expects Their Friends to Die
Dec 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I’m reposting again, a blog entry from last March, originally titled “Let’s Be Careful Out There”.Last night I had dinner with a few of the classmates referred to here. Most of us hadn’t gotten together in over a year, at our last reunion. But thanks to one persistent woman, there were about 20 of us, laughing and catching up. It was, again, as if no time had passed. We noted several who weren’t there: one woman whose mother died a few days ago, another whose husband is ill, still another who has MS. We’re at the age when we get paranoid when someone’s a no-show.So for all our friends, enjoy:At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s...
Friend Grief and Guilt - “My Name is Alex”
Dec 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This blog post originally appeared last February, titled “My Name is Alex”. I think it speaks to another one of those uncomfortable emotions that can complicate grief: guilt. Sometimes there’s just no logical reason why one person lives and another dies. But that doesn’t make us feel any better. It didn’t help Alex, either.Family Ties was a successful sitcom in that ran on CBS from 1982-1989 A family led by parents who’d been hippies in the ‘60’s included one son, a conservative Republican, played by Michael J. Fox.Arguably its most famous story is “My Name is Alex” from the fifth season. Performed live in two back-to-back episodes, the second with no commercial breaks, it opens with the Keaton parents and...
When Your Friend is Trashed in the Press
Dec 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
The combination of anger and grief stirred up a lot of interest here recently. It comes up occasionally in my book. Honestly, it could probably be a book all on its own. You’re expected to be sad when a friend dies. But angry, too?You’re grieving…maybe feeling guilty…and now you realize that the world has a completely distorted view of your friend.Mike Pfeifer and Cliff Kearney were held at gunpoint by three masked men who broke into their home. While Kearney was beaten, one of the robbers fired his sawed-off shotgun to intimidate Pfeifer. When the weapon was pointed at Kearney, Pfeifer grabbed the barrel, and was shot multiple times. The burglars ran, but by the time paramedics arrived, it was...
Finding the Words to Grieve Your Friend
Dec 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Thirty-one years ago today, John Lennon was murdered in front of his apartment building in New York. I love this picture of him: confident in his own skin. “This is who I am, and if you don’t like it (fill in the blank).” Lennon had millions of fans and a lot of friends. Many of them spoke to the media after his death. Some were very eloquent. Paul McCartney was not one of them.Their relationship as members of the Beatles was one of incredible creativity. But their friendship was volatile. They’d been estranged for years after the break-up of the group, and John had made some very critical, very public remarks about Paul’s solo efforts. But in December, 1980, they...
Did Your Friend Die This Year?
Dec 06, 2011 by Victoria Noe
As 2011 draws rapidly to a close, we turn our thoughts not only to the holidays, but to remembering those we've lost this year.It seems every media outlet - TV, radio, magazines, internet - compiles a list of people who died in the past year. We even see this on awards shows, like the Academy Awards.Below you’ll find a link to the New York Times, asking for photos of people who died this year. You can give a brief (200 word) description when you upload your photo.Why not submit a photo of your friend, a photo that expresses one aspect of their life? Don’t delay: photos will appear on their website and the Dec. 25 Magazine.Share your friend with the...
A Request about Friend Grief
Dec 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
As you probably know, I’m writing a book about people’s experiences grieving the death of a friend. ‘It’s Not Like They’re Family’: Mourning Our Friends and Celebrating Their Lives is a look at the phenomenon of friend grief: the lack of respect for that kind of grief, and how it’s often a catalyst for major life changes.I’m looking for stories for several chapters in the book:Workplace grief: when the friend who died is a co-worker.Community: when the friend who died is a member of a community (religious orders and first responders in particular).People who were shut out by their friend’s family, either while the friend was dying or afterwards (not notified of the death or banned from funeral).And always, what...
"Forming Community" - AIDS@30
Nov 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve & I at the Drake "Forming Community" first appeared in April in Windy City Times. I was honored that publisher Tracy Baim asked me to be part of her series on the history of the epidemic. For tomorrow, World AIDS Day, here it is:The first time I remember being conscious of the effects of AIDS was March, 1983. My girlfriend was in the hospital, after a difficult labor and delivery that called for a transfusion. She worked in the lab at that hospital and knew the blood supply wasn’t safe. When I visited her there, her sheets had more color. But she still refused the transfusion.Sex in the 80’s – gay or straight – was a challenge. I was...
World AIDS Day 2011 - 30 Years of AIDS
Nov 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Disenfranchised grief” is defined as grief that is not socially accepted or acknowledged. I learned a lot about it in the AIDS community.Thursday, December 1, is World AIDS Day, this year marking the 30th anniversary of the pandemic.I worked in the AIDS community in Chicago in the late 80’s/early 90’s, after volunteering for a while to raise money for much needed services.If you had told me in 1981 that 30 years later we’d have no cure, I wouldn’t have believed you. Scientists always seemed to be “closing in on” a cure.If you had told me in 1981 that in addition to having friends who died within weeks of their diagnosis, that I would also have friends who have been HIV+...
Being Thankful for Our Friends
Nov 25, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I don’t think it was intentional, but I seem to have spent a good part of November connecting and re-connecting with friends.I’m sure the fact that this month was the 5 year anniversary of my friend Delle’s death had something to do with it, at least subconsciously.So I began to be very assertive about the time I spent with friends. It began with a trip to New York:Several days there seeing shows, eating and drinking with Eileen, who I’ve known since…well, a long time.A relaxing lunch on an unseasonably warm day in Union Square Park with an old boyfriend.Reconnecting with two friends from college (after not seeing either for 30+ years), for a catching-up, laughing lunch on the Upper West...
Giving Thanks for Missing Friends
Nov 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“As long as you remember him, he’s not really dead.”I’m paraphrasing a line from Doctor Who, but that’s certainly the intent of the Doctor’s message.As Americans pause to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, and even those in other countries mark the day with giving thanks by volunteering, it’s a sentiment worth considering.Holidays - like anniversaries and birthdays - can be painful for anyone who’s lost someone they love. We are haunted by memories of time spent together, and I use the word “haunted” deliberately. The memories don’t necessarily make us feel good.But as we give thanks, let us remember - without being haunted - our friends.I’ll remember laughing on the phone with Carol, who watched the Iran-Contra hearings on C-SPAN as she lay...
Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost…A Friend?
Nov 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Hearts will never become practical until they become unbreakable.” - Wizard of Oz“To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.” - Van HelsingMost people who use the phrase “loved and lost” think of a relationship breaking up. But what if it really meant the death of a friend?Are you better off - even in your grief - for having known your friend?Do you wish you’d never met them, because the pain you feel now is so intense?In other words, is the pain worth it?There are certainly moments - especially when your grief is fresh - when you may think it’s not worth it. But then who would you...
