Victoria Noe

Award-winning Author, Speaker, Activist

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A Death Café?

A Death Café?
Nov 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Salon (n.) A periodic gathering of people of social or intellectual distinction.I always wanted to host a salon. I had visions of the Algonquin Round Table and American expatriates in the Paris of the 1920’s. Make no mistake, I’ve had gatherings like that occasionally, with incredibly talented and opinionated friends. But they never happened often enough for my liking.So when I read Kristie West’s blog this week about the second London Death Café, it gave me pause.The concept of the Death Café began in Switzerland, and has spread to London, where Kristie lives. She’s a grief counselor, specializing in helping those who have lost a parent. A Death Café, much like those celebrated salons, is a gathering of people -...

How to Avoid Grieving Your Friend

How to Avoid Grieving Your Friend
Nov 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Sometimes it's too lateI’ve been encouraging (a nicer word than “preaching”) visitors here to reach out to their friends and let them know how important they are to you before it’s too late. What’s too late? Too late is when all you can do is regret what you didn’t do or say. And that happens a lot more often than we care to admit.Sometimes the idea begins with a simple thought, “I wonder whatever happened to…” Sometimes a discovery triggers an old, pleasant memory. Both happened to me recently.I was planning yet another trip to New York, and knew I had some unplanned down time while I was there. I called the usual friends I see when I’m there -...

What Else I Learned about Myself from Delle Chatman

What Else I Learned about Myself from Delle Chatman
Nov 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
When I told Delle I had an idea for a book, I was nervous. I was hoping she wouldn’t laugh, although I knew her well enough by then to know she wouldn’t. Mostly, I was nervous about saying the words, “I have an idea for a book”: a book that I would write, not a book someone else should write.I’d never written a book before, never seriously considered it. She was supportive, as I expected: “just do it,” she answered, with a wave of her hand. In her mind, there were no impediments to following through. But there were. I put the idea aside as her condition worsened and she died. A few months later, I started thinking about it...

What I Learned about Myself from Delle Chatman

What I Learned about Myself from Delle Chatman
Nov 07, 2011 by Victoria Noe
 Delle Chatman Five years ago today was election night. I’d talked to Delle’s brother Gregory earlier: “I’m writing my sister’s obituary,” he said quietly. I turned off my computer about 7:00, to watch the election results: just about the time that my friend, Delle, left us.I was sorting through the research for my book when I came upon a folder simply marked Delle. Inside were a variety of things: the tribute DVD created by “30 Good Minutes”, the PBS program she appeared on; another of her play, The Answer; her obituary from the Chicago Tribune. Stuck inside, though, was a piece of paper I’d forgotten about for five years that brought more than one tear to my eyes.I had...

A Question about Friend Grief

Nov 04, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I posed this question on my Facebook page Friend Grief:“What’s the most important thing you learned about yourself when you lost a friend?”We’re here because we’ve experienced the death of a friend. We’ve cried and raged and felt regrets.But what have we learned?Not about death, not even about how those around us have dismissed the impact of our grief.What have you learned about yourself?Have you learned - perhaps too late - how much your friend meant to you?Have you learned your friendships are more important than you ever imagined?Have you learned you are who you are because of your friend?Did their death teach you that you’re stronger than you thought?Maybe you have an answer to one of these questions. Maybe...

“Old Friends Make Life’s Voyage a Pleasure Cruise”

“Old Friends Make Life’s Voyage a Pleasure Cruise”
Nov 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
 Eric Zorn If you ever wondered why friends are so important to us - men and women alike - just read Eric Zorn’s column in today’s Chicago Tribune.It points out what I’ve tried to explain in this blog: our grief when they die is unlike other types of grief. When you read his column, you think, “Well, of course, they would mourn for each other”. And I’m sure they will. But that kind of experience - friend grief - is often dismissed as unimportant, lacking in comparison to grieving a family member.But love is love, and when someone we love dies, we mourn them. Our hearts don’t care about titles or legal relationships. All we know is that the world...

Grieving Your Friend in Public

Oct 31, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Your friend died, and you’re grieving. For the most part, that grief is private. But imagine if everyone in town was talking about your friend. Imagine if every time you turned on the TV or radio, or logged onto your computer, someone was talking about your friend.Imagine, too, that upon hearing the news of your friend’s death, you are confronted with members of the media pushing microphones into your face, asking for a comment. How eloquent do you think you might be?In In Other Words: Artists Talk About Life and Work, Anthony DeCurtis recounts an interview with Paul McCartney in 1987. They covered his years with the Beatles (it was the 20th anniversary of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)....

To Tell or Not to Tell…That You’re Dying

To Tell or Not to Tell…That You’re Dying
Oct 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Many people seem to have had the experience that I described in my last post, "Would You Tell Your Friends That You’re Dying?"An older woman was distressed that to find out about a friend’s death when the Christmas card she sent was returned, stamped “deceased.”Another woman was sworn to secrecy by her family member, who didn’t want her friends to know she was dying. She didn’t want to see “The Look”.A friend of mine refused to accept visitors, and would only talk to a very few friends over the phone.Make no mistake: I respect each and every person’s decision to live their lives as they wish, especially after receiving a diagnosis of impending death. The decision to tell - or...

Would You Tell Your Friends That You’re Dying?

Would You Tell Your Friends That You’re Dying?
Oct 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”. You don’t mean to do it. In fact, you might think the expression on your face is one of love and support, successfully hiding the shock and pain you feel inside. Unfortunately, it’s often interpreted as pity.I’ve read stories of people who were dying and kept their diagnosis secret specifically because they didn’t want to see “The Look” on their friends’ faces. I know people who have isolated themselves, refusing visitors, because they don’t want...

"Living in the Material World"

"Living in the Material World"
Oct 24, 2011 by Victoria Noe
A few months ago, I blogged about Paul McCartney’s concert at Wrigley Field and how his tributes to John Lennon and George Harrison were so very different: while the song dedicated to John was full of regret and guilt, the one for George clearly showed the love they felt free to express to one another.HBO has been showing Martin Scorcese’s documentary about George Harrison, “Living in the Material World”. His wife, Olivia, and son, Dhani, spoke fondly and honestly about George. But it was in the words of his friends that you really got a sense of the man: strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures.One friend admitted that it was still difficult for him to talk about George, ten years...

Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 3

Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 3
Oct 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In my last post, I brought up the painful situation of not being notified of a friend’s death.As we all know, the stress of grief can affect our memories. Try as we might, things fall through the cracks as we plan for the funeral and deal with the loss of a loved one. It’s embarrassing at times. Personally, I’m on a mission to require name tags at wakes. People you haven’t seen in years walk up and say “you don’t remember me, do you?” On a good day, it’s hard to recognize people you haven’t seen for decades. Being at a wake is probably not a good day. But I digress.Families are usually the ones organizing the funeral events, and...

Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 2

Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 2
Oct 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
From the outside looking inI have a friend, a dedicated librarian at a public school for special education kids. When I told her about my book, she said she had a story for me.I sat down with her after school, in the back of her library. She told me the story of a friend of hers. They’d been friends for years, had their ups and downs. But nothing prepared her for finding out about her friend’s death months after it happened. The family knew of their friendship, but hadn’t contacted her. The pain she felt was real: not just the death of the friend, but the missed opportunities to set things right, and to properly mourn.Months later, I received an...

Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt.1

Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt.1
Oct 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
If you have lost a friend - recently or not so recently - you already know. Pick up your local paper on any day, and you will find a section devoted to obituaries. Some are news articles about prominent people in the community or the world at large. Some are standard “death notices” submitted by families through the funeral home.These notices tend to follow a standard format, which includes the surviving family members (sometimes mentioning those who have already died, particularly a spouse). They may list names, or just note the numbers of surviving grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They may list the deceased’s alma mater, career, places they lived, hobbies and charitable causes near and dear to their heart. What they...

Everyone’s Best Friend

Everyone’s Best Friend
Oct 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
  Steve Daley  “Mourning him would be rather silly. He died too soon, but so do we all. The universe is run idiotically, and its only certain product is sorrow. But there are yet men who, by their generally pleasant spirits, by their dignity and decency, by their extraordinary capacity for making and keeping friends, yet manage to cheat, in some measure, the common destiny of mankind, doomed like the beasts to perish." - H.L. MenckenWe all know people like Steve Daley, who shared this quote with his friend and colleague Mary Schmich. They have lots of friends, but when asked, each one will insist that he made them feel like they were his best friend. In some...

Why Anger and Grief Go Together

Why Anger and Grief Go Together
Oct 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
 EvilMilk.com My posts on anger and grief - and my guest blog on Memoir Writer's Journey - have brought out some pretty emotional responses.It’s hard to tell, sometimes, just what people reading my blog are thinking. Most posts don’t inspire a lot of comments, either on or off the site. But anger has been one of those topics that had really resonated with people.I think the comment - off-line - that stuck with me was the woman who thanked me for giving her permission to be angry.Imagine: a grown woman who needed a stranger’s permission to feel angry.Why wouldn’t you feel angry if your friend is dead? Yes, of course you’re sad. You feel a hole in your heart...

“Finding Hope in the Midst of Grief”~Guest Post by Victoria Noe | Memoir Writer's Journey

Oct 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Today I was a guest on the lovely Kathleen Pooler's blog, "Memoir Writer's Journey". I hope you'll check out my post and her wonderful blog.“Finding Hope in the Midst of Grief”~Guest Post by Victoria Noe Memoir Writer's Journey

“50/50”

Oct 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“You’ve been sucked into the cancer vortex.”That my friend Delle’s reaction when I told her of my Dad’s diagnosis. She’d been battling cancer herself for almost two years, and knew what was ahead of us.“50/50”  is Will Reiser’s autobiographical film about a 27 year old man whose world is rocked by the discovery of a rare form of cancer.Anyone who’s been through cancer diagnosis and treatment will appreciate the truths in this film.The characters are real and mostly sympathetic:Adam himself, vaguely restless before getting sick, now determined to maintain that everything’s okay. He insists he’s fine, even if it means keeping others at arm’s length.His mother, already caring for a husband with Alzheimer’s, is angry with the cancer and her...

100 Thoughts about Friend Grief

Oct 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Today is my 100th blog post. When I started this blog in February, I had one goal: to put a spotlight on the experience of grieving the death of a friend. It appears I’m succeeding.I already knew there were people out there who wanted to tell their stories, or rather, tell the story of a friend who meant the world to them. It’s funny, when you become aware of something, suddenly the whole world is attuned to it. Things you never noticed before are now obvious. So it has been with friend grief. It seems everyone has a story to tell about a friend who died much too soon.Strangers have bared their souls to me, pouring out their frustration and...

Words to Live By from Steve Jobs

Words to Live By from Steve Jobs
Oct 06, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve Jobs, the Apple visionary who changed the world, lost his battle to pancreatic cancer on Wednesday.Although Jobs was known as not always the nicest person to work with, his impact on our lives cannot be overstated.By now, you may have seen the video of his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University. He’d been diagnosed the year before, and had successful surgery. He was in remission. But a near-death experience had an effect, even on this impossibly driven CEO.“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be,...

A Lot of Angry Friends Out There

A Lot of Angry Friends Out There
Oct 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
My posts last week about feeling angry when a friend dies resonated with a lot of people.I had conversations with family, friends, and online “friends” all week. My posts dredged up feelings for many that had been long repressed. Some people took the opportunity to fondly remember a friend. Others reacted as if a scab had been scratched, and indeed it had.Those were the people who had been denied the chance to feel that anger when their friend died, and now, years later, it bubbled up again.You can only hold your breath so long, and eventually you have to breathe again. So it is with repressing emotions. Eventually they decide they’ve been constrained long enough.Those who are overwhelmed by the...