Blog
Everybody's Talking About Surprises
Mar 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I really, really, really don’t like surprises. I guess I’m too much of a control freak to accept the fact that there really are things in this world I can’t plan for or anticipate.Today is WOW! (Women On Writing) blogging day about surprises, so welcome to all who are visiting from the tour!When it comes to our friends dying, honestly, how is that something you can accept? Plan for? Anticipate?Several days after 9/11, I waited in front of Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago for my husband to join me for the inter-faith service. I called home for messages and was stunned to hear a friend’s voice, sobbing. I’d known her since 1966 and could not remember her ever crying, but...
Spreading the News Online
Mar 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I have a friend who’s dying. His partner set up a closed Facebook group to keep a group of friends and family up to date. What resulted in the past two weeks is an outpouring of love for both of them. One friend flew to Chicago from Seattle, another from Dallas. Others visited, called, posted on the Facebook group page.Visitors can be tiring, especially for someone close to death. But to be there when he had a burst of energy on Saturday was a true gift.Had it not been for Facebook, it would’ve been much less likely that we would’ve all been informed. The ease of sending messages and setting up groups or pages means that the caregiver can notify...
9/11 and Cumulative Grief
Mar 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In six months, we will commemorate the 10th anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the United States.For some people – probably most – 9/11 is something that happened years ago. The History Channel runs specials periodically, and many books have been written concerning that day. In truth, a lot of people are tired of hearing about it.Most people weren’t directly affected by the loss of life. Some people – like me – knew someone who died that day. But for a select group, the losses they suffered are almost unimaginable.“Therapists treated traders who lost dozens of close friends in the towers, police officers who lost everyone in their unit, firefighters who ‘knew 100 people who were dead,’...
How Others Look at Friendship
Mar 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
...or perhaps more accurately, how others look at grieving the death of a friend.You may feel alone after a friend has died. You may have a hard time finding people who understand what you’re going through. But it’s an experience we will all share some day.Following are quotes from a few people who understand:“A friend who dies, it’s something of you who dies.” – Gustave Flaubert“With every friend who has been taken into the brown bosom of the earth a part of me has been buried there; but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world.” – Helen Keller“Friends are together when they are separated, they are rich when they...
A Friend You Never Met
Mar 07, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Where were you when you heard John Lennon died?Princess Diana?Michael Jackson?Celebrity deaths – especially those that are sudden or violent – hold a certain fascination for many people. The media will be temporarily obsessed with the story.But what can seem unusual is the way some people mourn those celebrities – as if they were a close friend.Why is that?They’ve never met that particular celebrity, even though they may have bought their cd’s or seen their movies or watched their TV show.But they mourn.Jeff Goldblum was a guest on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” and suddenly began to talk about the late Tim Russert, moderator of “Meet the Press”. Goldblum admitted he was upset for two days, when he heard of Russert’s sudden...
Chuckles the Clown
Mar 04, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Laughing at funerals is generally frowned upon (Irish wakes notwithstanding).People are expected to act a certain way: maybe not grief-stricken, but at least respectful of those who are and the person who has died. You get a lot of dirty looks if you’re the only one laughing.In recent years, there has been a movement to make wakes and funerals and memorial services more of a celebration of life. Laughing – in the context of shared memories – has become appropriate. Considered by the Chicago Tribune to be the funniest TV comedy episode of all time, "Chuckles Bites the Dust" on The Mary Tyler Moore Show concerned the death of Chuckles the Clown. Dressed as Peter Peanut, he was trampled by...
She Writers Blogger Ball Redux
Mar 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Welcome - or welcome again- She Writers!I guess I wasn't the only one who had a great time on the first She Writers Blogger Ball! What a great opportunity/excuse to explore other women writers' blogs. I learned a lot about other members of She Writes, and was thrilled to have so many visitors to my very new blog.As the title implies, this is a blog on the topic of grieving the death of a friend. It's an experience we all face, and sometimes we're surprised when we encounter a lack of respect for that grief. Here you will find examples of those experiences. Some are sad, some are funny, some are life-changing. But all point to the importance of...
Our Parents’ Friends
Mar 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In the old Peanuts comic strip, adults were occasionally heard from but not seen. Now and then you’d see the lower part of a body, but never, ever a face. The adults were drawn as if at a child’s eye level: feet, legs, hands.When you were growing up, there were adults around you who were friends of your parents. They were the same kinds of friends you have: people they met at school, at work, in the military. They shared the same kinds of experiences: growing up, dating, marrying, divorcing, raising children, taking care of aging parents. They laughed and cried and argued and shared the special moments in their lives.Some of these adults may be as close to you...
"Ask Amy"
Feb 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Ask Amy” is a syndicated advice column written by Amy Dickinson. You may be familiar with her delightful memoir, The Mighty Queens of Freeville.In a recent column, a woman wrote about a friend of hers who had died, and was quite lonely at the end. Long-time friends had abandoned her while she was ill. The woman writing was distressed by the unnecessary loneliness and isolation her friend experienced.Death is not easy or comfortable or something that our society even finds easy to discuss. We don’t want to talk about it. We want to avoid the topic as long as possible. I suppose it’s why we talk in abstract terms of “if something happens to me…” If???Have you avoided a friend who was dying? Maybe...
“Why Didn’t You Tell Me?”
Feb 25, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I was going to write about Longtime Companion today, but realized I’d already posted about AIDS this week. I received an email from a friend the other day. I’d interviewed her for my book a while back, and she had a painful story about a friend of hers who had died. They’d lost touch, and when the friend died, she wasn’t notified. It was months later when she heard the news.Her email was almost unbelievable: the same thing had happened two more times. Three friends of hers had died. Three families had failed to notify her.Now, I haven’t talked to her since I received her email. She was clearly stunned that it had happened – twice – again.It did, however,...
"The Concert for George" Live Streaming 2/25
Feb 24, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This Friday, February 25 would have been George Harrison's 68th birthday. In my post The Concert for George, I shared the story of how this concert was created: as a way for his friends to honor George and to mourn their loss.On his birthday, "The Concert for George" will livestream on his website for all to enjoy.Feel free to sing along!
30 Years of AIDS - Part 1
Feb 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I have two degrees in theatre. In the 1980’s I was working professionally in the Chicago theatre community. There was no way to escape AIDS.By the end of the decade, I could’ve covered the walls of my one-bedroom apartment with the AIDS Quilt panels of people I knew. I’d left the theatre to be a professional fundraiser, mostly working with AIDS organizations.Most were men, though not all. Some were classmates from college, or colleagues from one production or another. Some had lived at one of the AIDS residential programs I worked for. Some had been volunteers of mine; one was my assistant.I remember picking up a coffee-table book about the Names Project, and staring at the cover: one of the...
Types of Grievers
Feb 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
What kind of griever are you?One of the hardest things for some people to understand is that everyone grieves in a different way. Throwing yourself back into your “normal” routine may be perfect for some people, but the worst possible thing for others. I’m not even talking about gender. The differences I’m talking about today are personality differences. Of course, gender, ethnicity, even age may have an influence on these behaviors. But that’s what they are: responses to a situation. Personality and behavioral assessments are used in business every day: Enneagram, Meyers-Briggs, DISC. In Dr. Kenneth Doka’s book, Disenfranchised Grief, he offers a description of different types of grievers. You may see yourself and others in these descriptions:1. Intuitive: Some...
"My Name is Alex"
Feb 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Family Ties was a successful sitcom in that ran on CBS from 1982-1989 A family led by parents who’d been hippies in the ‘60’s included one son, a conservative Republican, played by Michael J. Fox.Arguably its most famous story is “My Name is Alex” from the fifth season. Performed live in two back-to-back episodes, the second with no commercial breaks, it opens with the Keaton parents and their two older children returning from the funeral of Alex’ best friend, Greg. The parents are concerned about their son’s reaction to what has happened. Indeed, Alex is a model of forced cheerfulness.When he’s alone, Greg appears to him – a real, physical presence, cracking jokes about how being dead is a great...
Welcome, She Writers!
Feb 17, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Welcome to my dance in the B&W Bloggers Ball!This is my very new blog, born Feb. 1.As I worked on my first book, 'It's Not Like They're Family': Mourning Our Friends and Celebrating Their Lives', I realized that I needed to raise awareness of the unique experience of grieving the death of a friend. The 10,000,000 people in the U.S. who will have this experience each year have few resources - in print or online - to help navigate and validate their grief. I'm pretty new to be giving blogging tips, but the best thing I ever did was have Networked Blogs link this to my Facebook and Twitter accounts. It's generated a lot of traffic here, and saves time.So,...
Like a Brother (or Sister) to Me
Feb 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
When a tragedy occurs – natural disasters, 9/11 – my reaction is to soak up the media coverage. I need to understand what happened – the how and the why. Not everybody feels that way; some people prefer to stay as detached as possible. Some things have become cliché when people are interviewed about those who have died. One we often hear in describing a friend who has died is ‘he was like a brother to me’. Certain groups – like firefighters or police officers – refer to those with whom they work as ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’. They work together, have each other’s backs, sometimes live together. They’re more than ‘just’ friends. I’m not sure when it was – probably...
Feb. 14 - Not Just for Lovers
Feb 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Today is Valentine’s Day, the day set aside each year to bolster Hallmark, floral and candy industries’ bottom lines. It’s also the day people tend to express their love.Those with whom we have a romantic relationship – spouse, partner, boy/girlfriend – are the traditional recipients of such expressions.Children give valentines to parents, classmates and teachers.But on the one day of the year when expressing love is not just encouraged but expected, there is one group that probably doesn’t get much attention: friends.No, they’re not the people we marry or give birth to – or who gave birth to us. But they’re important – sometimes more important than family.Take a few minutes today and tell your friends how much you love them. ...
The Concert for George
Feb 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“All I wanted to do was really share our love for George and his music with the people. I need to do this for him, but it’s for me most of all – I need to be able to express my grief in this sort of way.” – Eric ClaptonHow do we memorialize our friends? How do we show the world how much that person meant to us, how much our lives changed for knowing them? There’s more than one way to remember your friends, just as there is more than one way to grieve.Some people give eulogies. Some people donate money to causes that were important to their friend. Some people have the opportunity to do something a little...
Grieving Online
Feb 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
The Internet allows people around the world to communicate 24/7, though not always for the better. We are besieged by texts, tweets, posts and comments from people we know and people we don’t want to know. There is no expectation of privacy.How then to account for the use of the internet for expressing something as private and personal as grief?My high school class started a Yahoo group after 9/11, to share information on memorial service plans for our classmate, Carol Demitz. The group lives on, and now shares news of other classmates’ deaths, as well as happy news: births of grandchildren, marriages, plans for social outings. Its initial purpose may have been fulfilled 9 years ago, but the desire to...
People Will Talk (about their friends)
Feb 07, 2011 by Victoria Noe
We were having dinner at Stecchino’s on 9th Avenue in New York, a lively group of eight who were attending the Writer’s Digest Conference. With the agent Pitch Slam behind us, the tension of the past two days was finally wearing off, aided by wine, laughter and crab cakes.I don’t remember what we were talking about. But suddenly George turned to me and said very matter-of-factly, “my best friend died at 29. It changed my life.”I shouldn’t have been surprised. George and I had already talked at length about my book, and his enthusiasm was contagious. But this was the first personal comment he’d made on the subject.I’ve interviewed a number of men for my book, with more to talk...
