Blog
Grief
Another Clear Blue Tuesday
Sep 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The past two years on September 11, I was in New York for the observances. Mostly it was research, for that chapter in the book I’m writing. Partly it was personal: a high school classmate died in the South Tower.One of the things that struck me last year was the determination of people from around the world – mostly first responders – to come to New York at their own expense on the anniversary. I spoke to a young police officer from Toronto, who was there for the seventh time, and met firefighters from as far away as Australia. Without exception, they considered it a duty and an honor to be there.It feels strange not being there. This year my...
Christopher Hitchens’ Final Gift
Aug 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Christopher HitchensMy friend, Delle, referred to her cancer as ‘the old squatter.’Christopher Hitchens referred to his as a ‘blind, emotionless alien’. Though his cancer may have been emotionless, Hitchens is anything but in his remarkable final book, Mortality, being released on September 4. Those familiar with his work may be surprised by how vulnerable he is, as he shares his diagnosis of esophageal cancer.Anyone who has had cancer, or known someone who had cancer, will instantly relate to this book. He’s not shy about documenting the horrors endured by the body in pursuit of a cure, brutally honest about the treatment, the side effects and the emotional toll. You can’t help but cringe as he recounts the agony of a...
Sharing Delle with StoryCorps
Aug 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanIf you listen to NPR, you’re probably familiar with StoryCorps. They provide the audio recordings of ordinary people talking about their lives: sometimes about a person, sometimes an event. They’re in Chicago right now and I made an appointment to talk about my friend, Delle Chatman.I knew I’d have plenty to talk about, but I brought a few things with me, along with a list to jog my memory. I had a weekly bulletin from St. Gertrude’s with her picture on the front; her obituary, written by her brother, Gregory; a mailing from 30 Good Minutes, a local PBS program about religion where she frequently appeared; the note she wrote in the hospital announcing that the cancer was back...
“Did I Live My Life Differently Because of Her?”
Aug 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ilovedc.comYou know how it is: something happens to you and you think you’re the first person in the history of mankind to have experienced it. If you’re a Baby Boomer, you probably have that opinion about every single thing that’s ever happened to you.I’ve made no secret of the fact that my friend, Delle Chatman, is the reason I’m now a writer. As I’ve interviewed people for my books, I’ve met others whose lives changed because of one particular friend who died.But now and then I forget that, and need to be reminded.Pam Sherman is a writer and speaker. Her articles appear in the Rochester (NY) Democrat and Chronicle, as well as on her website Suburban Outlaw.Recently, she reflected about...
When Your Friend Dies: TMI
Aug 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I learned about the death of film director Tony Scott in a Facebook post from a friend who had worked with him. Since then, details have trickled out about what is now considered a suicide (several notes were found).It was typical reporting of a celebrity death: “what’s your favorite Tony Scott movie?” Clips from his films were shown on TV and the internet. Reactions from other celebrities were sought.One persistent rumor – denied by his wife – was that he had recently been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Funny: tumor, rumor. Both should be stopped, don’t you think?Anyway, it all seemed typical, until this morning. One of the cable news programs reported that onlookers were shopping videos of Scott’s...
Online Support for Grieving Your Friend
Aug 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A couple years ago I researched online grief support groups for those who have lost a friend. It was not a fruitful search.Many sites – and they’re wonderful, don’t get me wrong – are specific to certain situations. There are online support groups for grieving a parent, sibling, spouse, child, pet. Some are general grief sites that have chat rooms for specific types of grief. There are sites for those who grieve a family member who died on 9/11 or committed suicide.There are online groups that are more general, concentrating on the commonalities of our grief. And like I said, they’re very good.I made a conscious decision when I started Friend Grief that it would not be an online grief...
Friend Grief in 140 Characters (2 of 2)
Aug 03, 2012 by Victoria Noe
twitter.com“Have you ever seen a funeral procession go past and felt the urge to shout abuse? Perhaps something mild such as ‘I’ve never heard of him!’ or ‘He was rubbish!’. No, me either. In June, Shane Richmond, Head of (Editorial) Technology for The Telegraph, called for civility on Twitter when it comes to grieving. We may not hear about a close friend’s death on Twitter, but if we spend any time in the Twitterverse we’ll definitely see breaking news about the death of someone in the public eye: Amy Winehouse, Gore Vidal, Adam Yauch, Nora Ephron: we probably never met them, and may not have known their work. But the news went out on Twitter for the world to see.I’m...
Friend Grief in 140 Characters
Jul 31, 2012 by Victoria Noe
twitter.comThe Twitterverse doesn’t miss much: political gaffes, celebrity gossip, shameless self-promotion. There are writers who swear by the discipline needed to express themselves within the 140-character limit. You want breaking news – not tape-delayed, like our Olympics coverage? Log onto Twitter. That said, is it the best place to grieve?I’m not talking about the incredible hospice programs, writers, therapists and other professionals who tweet information about programs to help people work through their grief.And I’m not talking about those who tweet death notices of famous people.I’m talking about people who run to Twitter to express their grief.Twitter is a community, though a virtual one, like this blog. And let’s face it: it’s often easier to express our feelings online...
Talking About…You Know…
Jul 24, 2012 by Victoria Noe
facebook.comSince the horrific events of last Friday in Aurora, Colorado, people in the US have been forced to talk about something they don’t like to talk about: death. We talk about hundreds of topics every day, some boring, some exciting, and occasionally something controversial or uncomfortable: sex, drugs, bodily functions, violence, politics.As a society, though, we have a hard time talking about something every single one of us will experience.So our conversations over the weekend focused on the motivation of the shooter and the gun control debate. We did our best to come up with a logical explanation for what happened. The truth is much more complex, and unlikely to satisfy anyone.What we ignored – or tried to –...
Friend Grief in Public
Jul 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Today’s headlines are a little close to home for me. My cousin is the city manager of Aurora, Colorado, where (at this writing) twelve people were murdered and dozens wounded in a shooting spree at the midnight showing of the new Batman movie. I haven’t heard from him yet, but I’m sure he’s up to his ears. A lifetime of experience can’t begin to prepare you for something this horrific.The way the media covers tragedies like this one can be debated for eternity. Often in crisis, news organizations shine. But too often, as hours turn into days, they give in to what they defend as ‘the public’s need to know’.Honestly, all the public needs to know are the facts, especially...
At a Loss for Words (For Once)
Jul 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ehow.comLet’s say someone you know is grieving a friend’s death. Let’s say you didn’t know their friend, but you know they were close.And let’s say you want to be supportive in their time of grief.Where do you start?If you’re like many people – maybe even most people – you may find yourself at a loss for words. I’ve seen people who normally talk a mile a minute be absolutely tongue-tied at the thought of supporting someone who’s grieving.They might mumble, “I’m sorry for your loss.” And then what?If you ask people who grieve, they will tell you how much they value the support of others. When it’s a friend who has died, rather than a family member, they...
Reprise: "The Melody of Friendship"
Jul 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Kathleen PoolerI thought this would be a great time to revisit memoirist Kathleen Pooler's post from early 2011 about her friend, Judy. I'm sure her experience will remind you of friends in your life:When I read Viki’s post, “Do You Need Any Help?”, I immediately thought of my best friend, Judy, who died of breast cancer in 1993 after a five year battle. Viki invited me to do a guest post on what it is like to lose a dear friend. Let me tell you about Judy…Where do I begin to describe a friendship of twenty years; a friendship that endured life’s many tough lessons and trials? The diagnosis of cancer, the rigors of single parenting, the challenges of living in...
“I Pray That I Am The Last”
Jul 10, 2012 by Victoria Noe
When a friend dies, many of us struggle with a question: How can I make sure they’re not forgotten? Not everyone is a celebrity, whose artistic creations or legislative record or exploits on the field of battle will be recounted in history books and HBO specials.Most of the time when a friend dies, they’re just ordinary people, like us. In a world of billions, their uniqueness can be forgotten.Twenty-five years ago, San Francisco recorded its 1,000th death from AIDS. As part of the annual candlelight march commemorating the assassinations of George Moscone and Harvey Milk, marchers were asked to make signs, each with the name of someone they knew who had died of AIDS.Remember, this was a time of...
Remembering Friends: “Creativity and Crisis” – Day 2
Jul 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Names PerformersThe weather has certainly affected the crowds at the Smithsonian Folkways Festival. It bothered me to see such small audiences in the Red Hot tent when the Names Performers sang their hearts out. They were very, very good, and their rendition of “Rainbow Connection” made me tear up. Many people seemed to find the performances by accident, drawn by the music as they walked around the tent. But once there, they stayed, and applauded enthusiastically. The performers came from Atlanta and Chicago, some from Northwestern University, lured not just by the opportunity to be paid for their efforts, but to be part of something that is important to them all. Their director, David Bell, has been involved with...
Remembering Friends: “Creativity and Crisis” - Day 1
Jul 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I arrived in Washington, DC late Thursday afternoon, behind schedule. But I still managed to take a cursory tour of the National Mall, where the Smithsonian Folkways Festival is in full swing.It’s no cooler here than anywhere else in the US right now, but the triple-digit heat didn’t stop people from strolling the Mall, although I assume the crowd was smaller than anticipated.One of three themes in the Festival is “Creativity and Crisis”, the arts community response to the AIDS epidemic. Tomorrow I’ll be attending a number of performances and presentations by artists from around the world, and will report on it hereI went to one of the tents to check the list of names. Because of the size of...
Honoring Your Friends in a Big Way
Jul 03, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Tomorrow I’m off to Washington, DC for the Smithsonian Folkways Festival. Held on the National Mall (even in this heat wave), one of the three themes of the Festival is “Creativity and Crisis”. It’s a look at the global response by the arts community to the AIDS epidemic. There will be performances by people from Chicago to South Africa. There will be presentations by those who have made it their life’s work to use the arts to educate the world about AIDS.And the 25th anniversary of the Names Project’s AIDS Quilt will be observed.Between now and the end of the International AIDS Conference later this month, 55 locations in the Washington, DC area will display some of the 48,000...
Changing Your Focus After Losing a Friend
Jun 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
You probably went through – or are going through – a very dark period of time after your friend died. Maybe you felt guilt or regret or rage or just a heavy, heavy sadness.For some people a light bulb goes off.You can call it a wake-up call, a sign from God, a slap in the face. But sometimes it takes the death of a friend to get you moving in a different direction.It seems to happen most when the friend is your age or younger. You see the lost potential of their life, and it makes you look at yours: potential and life.You may have been vaguely restless before all this happened. You may have been quite content with...
Little Ways to Remember Your Friend
Jun 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Some of the people profiled here in Friend Grief have done big, impressive things after their friend died. Maybe they founded a charity or made big changes in their own lives. Not everyone can do something big and expensive. Not everyone wants to. And often, it’s the little things that count.Here are a few ideas of things you can do to remember your friend: -Visit their grave, or have flowers sent there on a day that was special only to the two of you.-If a memorial Facebook page was set up for them, post a comment, just to say you’re thinking about them.-Play a song that reminds you of them.-Go someplace you used to go together. Don’t be surprised...
Caregiver to Your Friend: Compassion Fatigue
Jun 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I thought this was a great topic to address after Tracey Carruther’s beautiful guest post here on Tuesday. In it, she made it clear that she was deeply affected by the experience of caring for our friend, Delle Chatman, during the last two months of Delle’s life. Having already been through the deaths of multiple loved ones, Tracey still wasn’t prepared for the deep physical, emotional and spiritual effects that took her a year to address.Patricia Smith is the founder of Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project, and author of To Weep for a Stranger: Compassion Fatigue in Caregiving. Though Delle – and Tracey’s family and friends who died before her – was hardly a stranger, Smith’s insights are relevant to anyone...
Life, Loss and Legacy: Guest Post by Tracey Carruthers
Jun 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Tracey CarruthersI met Tracey in October, 2006, when she came to Chicago to move in with our friend, Delle Chatman. Her devotion to making Delle’s last days as meaningful and peaceful as possible was inspiring (if sometimes annoying when I was feeling most selfish). Her reflection on those days is longer than my typical posts, but worth every word. I'm grateful that she was there for Delle and has shared her experience with us all: Thought doesn’t get much more personal and unclear than during a time of loss. In a way, in the matter of how we feel and how we deal with our feelings, it really doesn’t matter what the loss is; a job, a bet, a game,...
