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Grief
Another Birthday on Friend Grief
Feb 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Two years ago today, I started this blog. It was one week after I attended my first writing conference. I had an idea for a book, had conducted a few interviews, done some serious research, but I wanted to know if anyone else thought I was doing something that would make a good book.I found out that there were a lot of people who thought I was onto something. And they encouraged me to not wait until the book was finished: start a blog. Now.So I decided to begin a conversation with you. At that time, if you Googled “grieving the death of a friend”, you’d be directed to more sites dealing with the death of a pet...
When Surviving Your Friends is Too Much to Bear
Jan 30, 2013 by Victoria Noe
mil.state.or.usIn 2012, 229 US troops were killed in Afghanistan.In 2012, 349 US troops committed suicide.Yes, you read that right.Suicide among veterans and active duty service members is on the rise. The total for last year represented a double-digit increase, regardless of branch of service.This is not just an issue for US troops. Suicides have also risen alarmingly among the UK’s forces in Afghanistan.The first order of business, of course, is why?Suicide is a complicated issue. Are the armed forces doing a good job screening applicants, rejecting those with obvious mental health issues? Are there contributing factors, such as alcohol or drug abuse? Is the shock of war too much for some people?All of those are valid considerations, but one of...
Friend Grief and Survivor Guilt
Jan 25, 2013 by Victoria Noe
realwarriors.netIt’s a situation no one wants to find themselves in, but if you are a first responder or in the military, it’s likely. For some unfortunate people who are not in those professions, it can be even more devastating. In David Halberstam’s book The Firehouse, he recounts the story of his neighborhood firehouse, near Lincoln Center on New York’s upper west side. On September 11, 2001, thirteen firefighters raced to the scene of the World Trade Center attack. One returned. The only reason he survived is that a photographer saw his arm sticking out of the rubble at Ground Zero. Not only did he suffer from guilt, but some people hated him for surviving: why him and not one...
Stepping Back from Friend Grieving
Jan 22, 2013 by Victoria Noe
123rf.comI’ve written about this before, but I thought this was a good time to revisit the topic of self-care when writing about grief – or any difficult subject. And I believe the same principles apply to those working in hospice, therapists and grief counselors.The fifth book in my series about grieving the death of a friend will be about 9/11. I always knew it would be included, but I deliberately positioned it late in the series. My blog posts about that day have been difficult to write. It’s overwhelming at times to even think about it. So I gather research, read books, and fill up a shelf in my bookcase. And I walk away. Eventually, I’ll have to take a...
What Do You Miss the Most?
Jan 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When you think about a friend who has died, what do you miss the most? Maybe you went to school together, and you miss passing notes in class.Maybe you worked together, and you miss getting to know each other over shared projects.Maybe you were neighbors, and you miss knowing they were right there next door, a safety net and comforting presence.Maybe you traveled together, and you miss exploring, getting lost and having adventures only the two of you could possibly appreciate.Maybe you only knew them online, and they died before you had the chance to meet them face to face.Maybe you hadn’t seen them in years – decades, even – and wonder now why you didn’t make the effort...
Helping Young Men Grieve Their Friends
Jan 15, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Live for the MomentLast spring I wrote about a photographic exhibit Live for the Moment. The exhibit, based on a study by Dr. Genevieve Creighton at the University of British Columbia, showed how young men used photography to deal with the death of a friend. The study continues with an exhibit this month in Whistler, BC, with photographs taken by a group of men aged 19-25 who each lost a friend to accidental death in the past year. What Dr. Creighton found was that even in the broad category of “accidental” deaths, there was a wide range of circumstances as well as responses.The community responds differently to accidental deaths “on the mountain” (skiing or snowboarding) than to those off...
How Long Should You Grieve Your Friend?
Jan 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Sometime last year I was on my parish Yahoo group. I mentioned my friend, Delle Chatman, whose encouragement led me to begin writing about grieving the death of a friend. One of the women on the group posted: “I think about her every day.”When she typed this, it had been five years since Delle died.“I think about her every day” doesn’t mean she thinks about her in a sad way, of course. It might mean that she simply walks by Delle’s apartment building, or sees a gun-metal grey PT Cruiser like the one Delle used to drive. Something triggers a memory.There are times when I walk into the coffee house we used to frequent and even now, six years...
I Might Want to Interview You
Dec 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Despite the holidays, I'm currently researching the third and fourth books in the Friend Grief series. One is on the experience of grieving the death of a friend in community, the other in the workplace. Part of that research is interviewing men and women who have gone through this.There are several demographics I’m interested in:Police FirefightersMedical personnel (all levels, but not those who work in a doctor’s office)NunsPerforming artists (musicians, actors, dancers, singers)MonksMilitarySenior citizens The criteria for all demographics are the same:They must have experienced the death of a friend they worked with (except senior citizens – for that group it’s a friend they lived with in a retirement community).They need not be currently working at that job.They must be...
Where Do You Go to Grieve Your Friends?
Dec 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Student at fork in the roadI was raised Catholic, though I probably don’t fit the definition of what some people consider a “good” Catholic. But I assume God and I will discuss the finer points of that topic at a later date.So I was brought up going to funeral high masses, listening to “Dies Irae”, coughing from aggressive use of incense. Before the funeral was a wake at a funeral parlor, sometimes lasting several days. Flowers sent by friends and family were delivered as people gathered before the dead person in their coffin. Mass cards were left, and everyone signed the condolence book so that thank you’s could be sent in the weeks ahead. There was a little room where...
The Luxury of Grief
Dec 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
“You have to get over it.”“It’s time to move on.”“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”I’d like to call for an immediate, international ban on all of the above.Grieving your friends is hard enough. A lot of people – even those closest to you – just don’t get the depths of your sadness. While they may cut you some slack if you lost a family member, the death of a friend doesn’t usually inspire a lot of compassion.You may even agree with those pious words of “support”. You may convince yourself that you’re too busy to grieve, especially during the holidays when our busy lives get even busier.Denying yourself the time to grieve is an invitation for complications down the...
Thoughts on World AIDS Day
Dec 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
AIDS Memorial QuiltNational Mall, Washington DCIn all honesty, it was a week of AIDS. Early in the week I completed the first draft of the second book in the Friend Grief series: Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends. As the week progressed, that high was sustained by anticipation. I was going to a screening of United in Anger and then to a memorial service, organized by a friend and led by my former pastor.But in between the book draft and Saturday, that anticipation became tempered with frustration. The first World AIDS Day was in 1988: why are we still commemorating it? Why do we still need to commemorate it?By Friday, my frustration had hardened into...
Getting Through The Holidays After Your Friend Dies
Nov 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I hated the holidays – Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day – when I was single and not dating. I felt like it was the annual reminder from the universe that I was alone. Everyone had someone during the holidays except me. At least that’s what it felt like.It’s hard to lose a friend, whether they were our best friend, a co-worker, a neighbor, the girl whose locker was next to ours. The holidays are hard after you’ve lost a family member. But what about for those of us who have lost a friend?I’ve been reading articles about coping with grief during this festive time of year. Without exception, they focused on grieving a family member. Nothing wrong with that. I’ve had...
Setting Up A Facebook Tribute Page for Your Friend
Nov 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Families have an advantage when someone dies. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But it’s true.They have legal rights. Society views them as the primary mourners. Most people will take their cues from the family, as far as appropriate ways to mourn.But what about you? What about the friends?Social media – Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn – are part of our lives. Some people are more invested in it than others, for social and/or business reasons. But it affects most of us in some way.So it stands to reason that the subject of expressing our grief online would be a topic of discussion and controversy: Should a death be announced online? That debate has been brewing for a while and won’t go...
Should You Tweet a Friend’s Funeral?
Nov 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
TwitterIn the interest of full disclosure, I have texted from a funeral. I sat by myself in the last pew, at least five rows away from anyone else. I was texting my girlfriend two states away who couldn’t attend. I figured if I didn’t disturb anyone and God didn’t strike me dead, my good intentions were sufficient to justify my behavior.But I have to admit that when I read Matthew Ingram’s article What I Learned While Live-Tweeting a Friend’s Funeral on Gigaom.com that it gave me pause.Ingram felt that live-tweeting was a tribute to his friend, a long-time user of Twitter who was interested in social technology. He also felt it fit his friend’s sense of humor, and the family...
Big Changes for Friend Grief
Oct 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
UPDATE - 11/1/12HURRICANE SANDY-RELATED DELAY FOR E-BOOK LAUNCH. DON'T WORRY - IT'S COMING!If I’ve seemed quiet lately, there’s a reason. I’ve been attending a conference and doing research, which took a lot of time. But November will be a big month for Friend Grief.On November 2, the first in a series of small books on the topic of grieving your friends will be released. Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives a Damnwill expand on a few earlier blog posts on anger. It will be available on all e-book platforms, and the links will be posted here as soon as they’re available. For my followers in the UK, Canada and Australia, you’ll be able to...
A Look at “Love is the Cure”
Oct 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
From the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous:8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.If you or someone close to you has been in a 12-step program, you’re familiar with steps 8 and 9. Singer/songwriter/philanthropist Elton John’s new book, Love is the Cure, documents his climb out of addiction and how he continues to make amends, most importantly through his AIDS charity.If you’re a fan of his, like me, you probably wonder how he managed to come out of the 80’s alive and healthy. So does he.Honestly, the book was a surprise...
Chicago’s First Death Café
Oct 05, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Sounds weird, doesn’t it? Death Café I guess the first question is, ‘what and where is it?’Well in this case, it’s in Chicago next week. A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic gathering of people who want to discuss their experiences grieving. Death, as we know, is a subject that can put a damper on most conversations. But here, it is the conversation.Therapy is great, whether individual or group. But that’s not what this is. Many people just need a chance to talk about what they’re going through: without judgment or diagnosis. And as it turns out, a lot of those people are men.Like it or not, men are still expected to be the “strong” ones when someone close to...
"How to Survive a Plague"
Oct 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Art by Keith HaringThere’s a moment near the end of How to Survive a Plague, the powerful new documentary about the AIDS epidemic, and specifically, the role of ACT-UP in changing the way drugs are tested and made available in the US.There’s a contentious meeting of ACT-UP New York going on, and playwright/activist Larry Kramer is shown, his face tightening in frustration. Finally he explodes: “Plague! We’re living in a plague! Listen to yourselves!”Living through the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic was like living in a plague, or in a war, because it was both: a health crisis that became a desperate war to save lives.The truly remarkable thing to me about this film is that it exists at all....
Writing About Depressing Stuff
Sep 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’ve written before about how writing about grief can affect you, but I think it’s worth revisiting, in a little broader sense.There are people who cringe when I tell them what most of my writing is about. I understand their feeling that grief is “depressing”. But there are many whose work could be classified that way: Hospice volunteers AIDS outreach workers Oncologists First respondersI had a friend whose job was to fire people in her company (I hate “lay off” – let’s call it what it is). I thought she had an incredibly depressing job, but she didn’t think so. She was so considerate about how she handled each person that they often wound up sympathizing with her.I’ve also met...
A Final Gathering of Friends
Sep 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
northwoodscottage.comYesterday’s Chicago Tribune carried a beautiful story by Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reporter Meg Kissinger. She introduced us to Dick Rothing, who at the age of 55, received a shocking, unexpected diagnosis of metastatic esophageal cancer.He knew he wanted to go home. Home is his family’s compound, “R-Place”, on Little St. Germain Lake in Wisconsin, a part of his life since 1957.His sister and sister-in-law drove him from Montana for a last visit. His grade school friends joined him in June, and a few days later, Rothing returned to Montana. But not for long.A few weeks later, he came back to R-Place for good. This time his best friend since kindergarten brought his son, for a father-son fishing expedition with Rothing,...
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