Blog
Grief
What Could Be Worse Than A Friend’s Death?
Jul 25, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Surviving. Of course we survive. We wouldn’t be here to grieve our friends if we weren’t alive. Sometimes the depth of that grief takes us by surprise, which is one of the reasons why I started this blog and my books.But when I started writing about grieving the death of a friend, I didn’t expect to find that survivor guilt plays such a huge role in the lives of many people.While researching the second book in my series, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends, I learned that one of the biggest issues for long-time HIV+ men is survivor guilt. Like me, they lost a lot of friends: dozens, even hundreds. But because of luck or...
Fun at a Death Café? Sure!
Jul 21, 2013 by Victoria Noe
On July 15, Dan Bulf and I held our second Chicago-area Death Café. We’d hoped for 20 people, but we were stunned when our lovely room at Curt’s Café in Evanston was filled to overflowing with 40. The poor air conditioning couldn’t keep up. Thank God for iced tea! There were many there whose work involves confronting death: hospital chaplains, social workers, grief counselors, hospice volunteers. There were men and women of various ethnic groups and a wide age range: 20’s to a self-professed 87 years old. But that didn’t mean they had talked about their own, personal feelings about death.We broke into four groups for wide-ranging conversations about our attitudes towards death and dying, particularly our own death....
Evanston's First Death Cafe
Jul 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Last fall, I co-hosted the first Death Café in Chicago. Death…what??? A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic opportunity for people to come together and discuss topics surrounding death and grief. The objective of this movement is "To increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives".Begun in Switzerland, it spread to the UK and the US. Since 2011, over 1,000 people of all ages have attended a Death Café. Our next Death Café will be held Monday, July 15 at Curt’s Café in Evanston, Illinois. It’s open to anyone with questions about death and grief, because no one has all the answers.A Death Café offers you the opportunity to...
Saving Grief Until After Wimbledon
Jun 28, 2013 by Victoria Noe
stream.goodwin.drexel.eduI’m not a huge tennis fan; in fact, I’m still learning the game. But I became a fan of Novak Djokovic a couple years ago. Part of it was because he’s from Belgrade; my mother’s family is from Zemun, about 10 miles away. Part of it was his style of play and manner. So many athletes are loud, rude, and arrogant. But I enjoyed his funny Facebook posts and learning about his involvement in charitable work in his hometown.During the French Open, I heard about the death of his childhood coach, Jelena Gencic. I immediately remembered a 60 Minutes interview I’d watched last year, where he was shown returning to Belgrade to visit with her. Their love and respect...
ACT UP/NY’s Non-Reunion Reunion
Jun 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Few things get your attention like hearing the news a friend has died. For many of the original members of ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power), the death of Spencer Cox was just such a wake-up call.Keep in mind that these were men and women who lost dozens, if not hundreds, of friends to AIDS. They were on the front lines of the epidemic: educating, advocating, demonstrating, demanding. Some of them carry the AIDS virus themselves, saved by the ‘cocktail’ developed in 1996.So you could forgive them if the numbness of experiencing so many losses would affect their ability to grieve. Similar to the military, you have to put your grief aside because the deaths just keep on coming....
Friend Grief Has Come A Long Way
Jun 14, 2013 by Victoria Noe
In January, 2011, I was preparing to go to my first writer’s conference, where I would be pitching agents for the first time. Part of my research was something that I used to impress upon people – not just agents – the need for a discussion about grieving a friend. So I Googled “grieving the death of a friend”. I expected to find some references to a mostly academic book on the subject. But as I scrolled through the top 100 listings, I was startled:More than half were for people who hadn’t lost a friend, but wanted to help a friend who was grieving. There were more listings for people grieving the death of a pet than a human...
Talking About Friend Grief at BEA
Jun 07, 2013 by Victoria Noe
publishingtrendsetter.comI recently attended Book Expo America, the largest publishing trade event in the country. It’s exhausting: roaming dozens of aisles filled with hundreds of publishers. They’re there to promote new books, authors, services. It’s crowded and noisy and severely over-caffeinated (despite the presence of only one Starbucks in the whole Jacob Javits Center. And there are lots of free books and other swag to take home. You need comfortable shoes and a rolling suitcase to survive.I was there mainly to get new and upcoming books to review on BroadwayWorld.com. But I was also there to talk to some of my production partners (Kobo, Amazon, etc.) and check out any relevant new titles for my research.When people asked what I write...
Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS
Jun 04, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I’ve been fortunate to meet a few of my heroes recently, founders of ACT UP. While there were times when I disagreed with their tactics, I never questioned their passion or results.They’ve been there since the beginning, as caregivers and advocates. They’ve been through the wars and now face something just as dangerous as AIDS itself: complacency.AIDS is simply not on the radar for a lot of people anymore. It’s no big deal. So what if you get infected? There are drugs to take. You’ll be fine. If only it were that simple.When the epidemic first began, the arts community suffered a disproportionate number of losses. That was certainly because many gay men were involved in theatre, design, music, dance...
Death Ends a Life, Not a Friendship
May 28, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Delle's was grey & mine was blackIt’s no secret to anyone who reads this blog that I have “heard” from my friend, Delle, many times since she died in 2006.The time that has passed since she died is actually longer than the time we knew each other. But I still find myself talking about her in the present tense.I’m not the only person who feels that way. It’s going on seven years since she died, and I still hear her friends say “I think about her every day.” She had that kind of effect on people.Maybe you have a friend who changed your life, and maybe they’re dead. Does that mean your friendship is over? I’ve learned in many ways...
“Now You’re a Soldier”
May 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
The moment came near the end of Which Way is the Front Line From Here? The Life and Times of Tim Hetherington. The HBO documentary, produced by his friend and fellow war correspondent Sebastian Junger, is a fascinating look into the world of embedded journalists. It’s all too obvious why dozens are killed every year.After Hetherington’s death in April, 2011, Junger hears from one of the soldiers they lived with for 13 months in Afghanistan. The soldier tells him that he and Hetherington were accepted by the platoon, thought of (almost) as one of them. But, hoping he didn’t sound callous, the soldier told Junger that because he’d lost his friend, “now you’re a soldier.”The next book in the Friend...
Watching Your Best Friend Die
May 07, 2013 by Victoria Noe
npr.org I wasn’t going to write about Hadiya Pendleton. I live in Chicago and frankly, there are too damn many Hadiya Pendletons: young people murdered for no other reason than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sunday’s Chicago Tribune carried a front page article about Hadiya’s closest girlfriends. They’re typical kids, teenagers, whose lives will never be the same: both for their close friendships with Hadiya and the horrible death they witnessed. The shots detonate like firecrackers – boom boom boom boom boom – and the friends, a dozen of them altogether, run. The girl named Danetria does not run well. She is out of breath, struggling to keep up, when, ahead of her, she sees one of her friends fall,...
AIDS: Everything Old is New Again
May 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” – George Santayana There is perhaps no more perfect quote to describe the current state of the AIDS epidemic. A close second would be “out of sight, out of mind.”Last week I found myself at a fundraiser for the West Hollywood Public Library Foundation and the proposed AIDS memorial. It was a benefit screening of How to Survive A Plague, the Academy-Award nominated and much-honored 2012 documentary about ACT UP New York and the AIDS epidemic.I spent time with Jim Eigo, a founder of ACT UP NY, who I’d met at their meeting in New York earlier in the month. He participated in a panel discussion that followed the film.What...
Running - or Walking - to Remember Your Friend
Apr 30, 2013 by Victoria Noe
On Sunday I participated in the Our House“Run for Hope”. I didn’t actually run; I walked 2.7 miles. Our House is a terrific grief support center in West Los Angeles. Their work with adults and children is important and life-changing. I was glad to support their event, and my friend, Fredda Wasserman, who works for them.Everyone who walked or ran got a t-shirt. When you registered, you had the option of personalizing your shirt so everyone would know who you were honoring. I opted not to: I couldn’t decide on only one person.As I walked the route, I made note of why people were there. “I’m running for…” the backs of their t-shirts read, with a name, relationship...
Friend Grief and AIDS
Apr 23, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I always knew that one of the books in the Friend Grief series would address the AIDS epidemic. Like many who lived through those early years, it was something that shaped my life. It was, I believe, close to the experience of being in in a war. At least, that’s how it felt.I wasn’t sure what my focus would be for the book. There are already many incredible books about AIDS and ACT UP and the Names Project and other aspects of that time. But I quickly realized that the role friends played, especially in the early years, was critical.We knew we were needed, that we were depended upon to take up the slack for disapproving families and an indifferent...
Friend Grief and Anger is Finally Here
Mar 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
After a number of fits and starts – too many to list, but including Mercury in retrograde – I’ve finally released the ebook version of the first book in my Friend Grief series (paperback version coming soon). Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damngrew from a conversation I had with my friend, Delle Chatman, in 2006. We were sitting in Metropolis, the coffee house we frequented, and she was in remission from ovarian cancer. An idea had been bouncing around my head, and though I was nervous, I told her I had an idea for a book to write. She was enthusiastic as always, and I promised her I’d do it.I guess it...
Friend Grief Wants You
Mar 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
gabrielweinberg.comI’m currently researching and interviewing people for books in the Friend Grief series. Many of you have stories about grieving a friend, stories that are important – not just to you, but to others. Your experience can help other people who are struggling with their own grief, often in private because those around them don’t understand.I’m looking for people in the following situations: You’re active duty military or a veteran and a comrade died. You’re a first responder and one of your co-workers died.You live in a religious community (convent, monastery, etc.) and one of your members died.A friend of yours died on 9/11 (you don’t have to be a co-worker or survivor of the attacks). A friend you...
Dead Friends Who Still Talk To You
Mar 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanFour of us sat in the front of St. Gertrude’s Church one November morning. It was a year after our friend Delle Chatman’s death.Kim, Rina, Jeannie and I originally met Delle because our children attended Sacred Heart Schools on Sheridan Road in Chicago. Now the four of us decided to remember her with Mass followed by red velvet cupcakes at Metropolis, the coffee house where we all hung out.In November, St. Gert’s puts up an ofrenda: a small, temporary altar displaying photos of parishioners who died during the previous year. Prominent on the table, just to the side of the main altar, was a joyous photo of Delle and her daughter, dressed in traditional African robes, dancing. It was definitely...
Freaking Out About Your Friends
Feb 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I admitted recently that I’m a little paranoid about the health of my friends. Okay, more than a little. Three death notices in a week’s time will do that to you. So when I hear comments like… “She called the doctor; something’s wrong and she’s not sure what.”“He’s not eating.”“She’s been coughing for weeks.”“They’re running more tests.”…I can feel my body tense up.Maybe you have a friend whose health is shaky. Maybe they drink too much, or use drugs. Maybe they’re so busy taking care of their families than they neglect their own needs. Maybe they’re healthy as a horse, but something strange has happened.No one wants to hear a lecture about their health. “Stubborn, not incompetent” is the...
Going to a Friend’s Wake – Having Fun Yet?
Feb 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
A dear friend of mine died Saturday morning, from lung disease and complications from the flu. She was one of the first people I met when I moved to Chicago in the late 1970’s, and we worked in the theatre community. Mary Ellen was larger than life. She did nothing halfway and rarely hesitated to express her opinion. She was a teacher, director, collaborator, consultant and all-around creative genius. My memories of her are random:Finding her at a fundraiser, deep in conversation with Peter Ustinov.Coordinating the table decorations for my wedding reception.Helping her with a garage sale after her mother died.Getting really drunk one night after work and finding ourselves at a meeting of the Chicago Art Deco...
Who’s to Blame When Your Friend Dies?
Feb 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
righteousmarketing.comI’ve been doing a lot of research on how the military – active duty and veterans – cope with the grief of losing their comrades. Often survivor guilt complicates their grief. One of the interesting things I found was a checklist the US Navy uses to help someone whose grief is compounded by guilt. It attempts to determine who or what was responsible for their comrade’s death. That’s not the same thing as blame or guilt, but bear with me.The list identifies every person or situation or organization that could have any hand in the death of a service member: enemy action, the surviving unit members, the unit’s officers, etc. Then it branches out: unarmed civilians, the chain of...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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