Blog
Grief
Anger, Condemnation and Philip Seymour Hoffman
Feb 06, 2014 by Victoria Noe
As I work on the next book in my series, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends, I’m immersed in stories of survivor guilt. Men and women are haunted for years about what they see as their failure to prevent the death of their friend, even if their friend died from suicide. Rarely is there a situation where that guilt is logically justified, but that doesn’t stop it from tearing people apart.Lately, the news is full of the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman from an apparent heroin overdose. I’ve heard very little from his friends in terms of survivor guilt. What I have heard should disturb us all.“He didn’t love his kids enough to stop using.”“Celebrities think nothing...
Random Thoughts on Friend Grief
Jan 26, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Last week, there was a horrific crash on I-94 near Michigan City, Indiana. Four dozen vehicles – including 18 semis – were involved in the accident caused by icy roads and whiteout conditions. Three people died.A story that came out today was about one of those who died. His family was notified by someone at the coroner’s office who recognized him when the body was delivered.Now and then we hear stories of first responders who arrive at the scene of a tragedy, only to find that they know a victim. This was someone who wasn’t there, but I imagine the shock of recognition was just as great.As I research the next book on the military, I hear stories about troops...
Being Loyal to a Dead Friend
Jan 10, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Yesterday I was watching a little French film called Delicacy, starring one of my favorite actresses, Audrey Tautou. She plays a young woman whose world is turned upside down when her husband, Francois, is killed suddenly. She throws herself into her work, so she doesn’t have to feel.But after several years, a most unlikely co-worker develops feelings for her. One night he winds up at her apartment, where a small party is taking place. All of the people there were friends with her husband, and they don’t respond well to this new man’s presence. “This is the first time they’ve seen me with anyone,” she explains.Maybe you’ve been one of those friends. The spouse/partner of a deceased friend has found...
This Year – and Next - in Friend Grief
Dec 27, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know that this has been quite a year. I think we all have the tendency to look back in late December, and cringe at the thought of all we’d planned to do but didn’t. I started to do that not long ago, but had to stop myself. I was looking at only one part of my goals for this year, and in that category I definitely came up short: I self-published three books instead of six. Yeah, I know, I was a bit too optimistic. But what surprised me more than anything was what I accomplished that was not on my list. And I’ll tell you right now,...
Friends and/or Loved Ones
Dec 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
If you’re like me, you’ve been through your share of wakes and funerals. Although every culture has their own traditions, one is universal: the role of a friend. Family members are typically at the center of the grief universe. They’re the ones notifying the world, making arrangements, dealing with logistics. But I think we can all agree on what most people expect friends of the deceased to do: support the family. Just support the family.I saw a lot of exceptions to this when I worked in the AIDS community. People, whose families had rejected and abandoned them, even as they were dying, relied on their friends for everything. But generally speaking, if a friend of yours dies, you’re relegated...
#ThrowbackThursday
Dec 11, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I know today’s Wednesday. Bear with me. For those not on Facebook, the online community has embraced a couple of day-specific rituals. One is “Hump Day” on Wednesdays (admit it – you’re thinking about that commercial with the camel in the office, aren’t you?). Fridays, of course are “TGIF”. One that is relatively new is reserved for Thursdays.#ThrowbackThursday is devoted to recalling the past. On that day, you will likely see people posting photos of themselves and people they know. Sometimes they post pictures of themselves as children. Sometimes they post old family photos. But what I’ve noticed is that most of their pictures are of friends.Sometimes it’s a photo of just one person, a friend from their...
World AIDS Day 2013
Dec 01, 2013 by Victoria Noe
In his November 4 review of Time Line Theatre’s revival of The Normal Heart, the Chicago Tribune’s Chris Jones attempts to put the play in historical context: “AIDS is no longer a death sentence.” If only.While it is true that those newly diagnosed are not given a prognosis of, say, thirty days (like Ron Woodroof in Dallas Buyers Club), in the fourth decade of the epidemic, there is still no cure and no vaccine. According to the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS), new infections are on the rise in Eastern Europe and Central Asia: 13% since 2006. In the past 12 years, new HIV infections have doubled in North African and the Middle East. Worldwide, 1.6 million people...
The Next Friend Grief Books
Nov 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Do you consider the people you work with to be friends? Have you experienced the death of one of them?I’m currently looking for people to interview for the next two books in the Friend Grief series.Book #4 is Friend Grief and Community: Band of Friends. It focuses on active duty military and veterans – men and women, of any age - who have lost a battle buddy, either in combat or from suicide.Book #5 is Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. This book’s focus is obvious, and will have a broad definition of “workplace”. You don’t have to work in an office building. Maybe you are an actor, a paramedic, a teacher, a cashier,...
How to Help A Friend Who’s Dying
Nov 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Since I saw Dallas Buyers Club (my review here) I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Although the main character, Ron Woodroof, is initially focused only on his own survival, eventually the people he helps – especially Rayon – become friends. He is literally helping them stay alive. And that got me thinking: what would I do?Sometimes what we are called upon to do, what we are able to do, seems insignificant: running errands, chauffeuring to doctor’s appointments, cooking meals. All serve a dual purpose: taking the burden of the mundane off the shoulders of someone who needs to focus all their attention and energy on fighting their disease, and also to provide a tangible example of friendship.Not everyone’s good...
"Dallas Buyers Club"
Oct 29, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Matthew McConaughey (Focus Features)“You’ve got 30 days.”To live.We’ve just met Ron Woodroof, an electrician and rodeo cowboy, who seems to spend an equal amount of time getting drunk and having sex. Suddenly ill, he finds himself in the hospital, being told what was unthinkable for a straight man in 1985: he was HIV positive. “Get your affairs in order,” the doctor tells him. He doesn’t. Instead, his crash course in research about AIDS makes him the most unlikely – and initially, unlikeable - cinematic hero you will even encounter.Based on a true story, Dallas Buyers Club recounts with great authenticity a moment in history. Rock Hudson had just died. Tens of thousands of non-celebrities had died of AIDS. ACT UP...
Letting Your Friend Die
Oct 25, 2013 by Victoria Noe
benawyn.wordpress.comI think most people agree that everyone has the right to make decisions about their health. No one wants to be forced to have medical procedures they don’t want. And who wouldn’t want to decide their own end-of-life care? But theory can be very different from practice, especially when it comes to our friends.I remember when my friend, Delle Chatman, announced she was discontinuing treatment for yet another recurrence of ovarian cancer. Before that, she’d led us to expect miracles each time it came back. But after a month of treatments, she emailed her friends to say her body couldn’t take anymore. Everyone agreed in theory that the decision was her right. But that didn’t mean we weren’t angry....
Another Hero Remembering His Friends
Oct 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Capt. William SwensonPhoto: Washington PostNearly lost is in the chaos coming out of Washington, DC, was the most important event of the week: Army Capt. William Swenson was awarded the Medal of Honor.Swenson is the subject of some controversy. His believes his criticism of Army superiors, for not providing sufficient air and artillery support during the 2009 Gangjal battle, delayed his award for years (the Army said his nomination packet was lost in their computer for 19 months). You may remember former Marine Cpl. Dakota Meyer, who also won the Medal of Honor for the same battle. Swenson questions Meyer’s account of that battle, so it was no surprise that Meyer didn’t show up at the White House yesterday. Two...
Avoid Friend Guilt
Oct 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When someone dies, those left behind often feel some measure of guilt. Sometimes the guilt is directly related to the death: why didn’t I take the car keys away from him? Sometimes the guilt is a little narcissistic, the assumption being that we had the power to keep that friend alive…if only we’d done X, Y or Z. And sometimes the guilt is about something very personal, very small in the great scheme of things: sometimes we feel guilty for what we didn’t say.I don’t believe I ever told any of my friends I loved them until after 9/11. The shock of that day – and later finding out that I knew someone who died in the towers – prompted...
Helping Friends Pick Funeral Music
Sep 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
There seem to be two types of funerals. One is the kind that makes us cringe, may even make us angry. It’s where the person leading the service never met the person who died. It’s obvious – they ramble on in general, pious terms. They mispronounce the deceased’s name. Times like those I want to walk up to the front, say “shut up and sit down” and invite friends and family to do a better job.Then there are those we never forget. I’ve been to a few, where the eulogies made us laugh, made us cry, and even made us give standing ovations. And the music…well, the music makes all the difference.I remember walking into my friend Delle’s apartment...
National Suicide Prevention Month
Sep 17, 2013 by Victoria Noe
September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and if it seems like suicide is in the news more lately, there’s a reason for it. The numbers (not just awareness) are up and three groups of people seem most at risk: teenagers, military and Baby Boomers.We’ve known that teenagers are at risk for suicide for a long time. Raging hormones, pressure from parents and school, drugs and alcohol make a deadly combination. But a large number of suicides of teenagers – and even pre-teens – can be traced to bullying. Kids whose only crime is being different or being sensitive or smart or small for their age are hounded by bullies: on the school bus, on the internet, even getting text messages...
Celebrating on 9/11?
Sep 11, 2013 by Victoria Noe
It feels a little odd to be happy on September 11.Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the world should stop spinning today. People should go to work and school, do their grocery shopping, eat birthday cake (the biggest piece, with the rose on it).But today is the release of the third book in my Friend Grief series, Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners. As I tweeted to a friend yesterday, I’m not always happy with what I write, but I’m happy with and proud of this book.It turned out a little differently than I expected. It has turned into an advocacy piece, because of the people I interviewed and learned about.The 9/11 Memorial – a beautiful place everyone...
The Next Friend Grief Book
Sep 03, 2013 by Victoria Noe
“Families only.”Those who were killed on September 11, 2001 left behind more than family members. They left thousands of friends who are often forgotten and ignored: co-workers, first responders, neighbors and survivors who struggle to find a way to grieve the friends killed when the World Trade Center towers fell. In Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners you’ll learn how they adjust to life without their friends and find ways to honor those they lost on a clear, blue Tuesday. It’s been two years since I wrote a post hereabout what became the basis of this book: the hierarchy of grief in the 9/11 community. But let’s be honest: does the world need another book about 9/11? As it turns...
What’s New on Friend Grief?
Aug 27, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I always considered the first day of school to be more like the start of a new year than January 1st: lots of new beginnings and excitement (not to mention shopping for new clothes and supplies). There is certainly a lot of excitement here (though not much shopping)! So, I thought I’d bring you up to date on what’s coming up with Friend Grief in the next month:1. I’ll be a guest on Madeline Sharples’ websitetomorrow, August 28, talking about how my writing made me an activist - again.2. Through Labor Day, I’ll donate 25% of the price of the paperback and e-book versions of the second book in the Friend Griefseries, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our...
Grief Trolls
Aug 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
darkpsychology.coThe internet can be a source of great knowledge. It can bring people together. But there is a dark side, too. Many people have found Facebook and other social media sites to be helpful as they grieve. Information about a person’s death is easily disseminated, along with funeral arrangements. Its efficiency is a blessing for the families, because it eliminates the need to make dozens of emotional phone calls. Tribute pages are set up by family and friends, as a way for people to express their grief and share memories of the person who died. Not everyone can attend a funeral or memorial service, and this gives them the opportunity to give comfort to those left behind.There is a...
What Do You Miss The Most?
Aug 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Delle's scarfOn Saturday I went to Halsted Street Days, a street festival in the heart of Chicago’s gay community. I’d been there many times over the years, and have watched it grow more mainstream: Walmart and Marriott had booths.But as I walked through the crowds, past the bars and my favorite Chinese restaurant, I began to think of friends long-gone. There were many, not all of them from the time in my life when I was involved in the AIDS community. And when I thought of them, there always seemed to be one thing that immediately came to mind. I miss Mary Ellen’s laugh: always loud and unrestrained, occasionally embarrassing but always sincere.I miss Steve’s work ethic and child-like...
