Blog
Grief
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt.1
Oct 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
If you have lost a friend - recently or not so recently - you already know. Pick up your local paper on any day, and you will find a section devoted to obituaries. Some are news articles about prominent people in the community or the world at large. Some are standard “death notices” submitted by families through the funeral home.These notices tend to follow a standard format, which includes the surviving family members (sometimes mentioning those who have already died, particularly a spouse). They may list names, or just note the numbers of surviving grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They may list the deceased’s alma mater, career, places they lived, hobbies and charitable causes near and dear to their heart. What they...
Everyone’s Best Friend
Oct 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve Daley “Mourning him would be rather silly. He died too soon, but so do we all. The universe is run idiotically, and its only certain product is sorrow. But there are yet men who, by their generally pleasant spirits, by their dignity and decency, by their extraordinary capacity for making and keeping friends, yet manage to cheat, in some measure, the common destiny of mankind, doomed like the beasts to perish." - H.L. MenckenWe all know people like Steve Daley, who shared this quote with his friend and colleague Mary Schmich. They have lots of friends, but when asked, each one will insist that he made them feel like they were his best friend. In some...
Why Anger and Grief Go Together
Oct 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
EvilMilk.com My posts on anger and grief - and my guest blog on Memoir Writer's Journey - have brought out some pretty emotional responses.It’s hard to tell, sometimes, just what people reading my blog are thinking. Most posts don’t inspire a lot of comments, either on or off the site. But anger has been one of those topics that had really resonated with people.I think the comment - off-line - that stuck with me was the woman who thanked me for giving her permission to be angry.Imagine: a grown woman who needed a stranger’s permission to feel angry.Why wouldn’t you feel angry if your friend is dead? Yes, of course you’re sad. You feel a hole in your heart...
“50/50”
Oct 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“You’ve been sucked into the cancer vortex.”That my friend Delle’s reaction when I told her of my Dad’s diagnosis. She’d been battling cancer herself for almost two years, and knew what was ahead of us.“50/50” is Will Reiser’s autobiographical film about a 27 year old man whose world is rocked by the discovery of a rare form of cancer.Anyone who’s been through cancer diagnosis and treatment will appreciate the truths in this film.The characters are real and mostly sympathetic:Adam himself, vaguely restless before getting sick, now determined to maintain that everything’s okay. He insists he’s fine, even if it means keeping others at arm’s length.His mother, already caring for a husband with Alzheimer’s, is angry with the cancer and her...
100 Thoughts about Friend Grief
Oct 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Today is my 100th blog post. When I started this blog in February, I had one goal: to put a spotlight on the experience of grieving the death of a friend. It appears I’m succeeding.I already knew there were people out there who wanted to tell their stories, or rather, tell the story of a friend who meant the world to them. It’s funny, when you become aware of something, suddenly the whole world is attuned to it. Things you never noticed before are now obvious. So it has been with friend grief. It seems everyone has a story to tell about a friend who died much too soon.Strangers have bared their souls to me, pouring out their frustration and...
Words to Live By from Steve Jobs
Oct 06, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve Jobs, the Apple visionary who changed the world, lost his battle to pancreatic cancer on Wednesday.Although Jobs was known as not always the nicest person to work with, his impact on our lives cannot be overstated.By now, you may have seen the video of his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University. He’d been diagnosed the year before, and had successful surgery. He was in remission. But a near-death experience had an effect, even on this impossibly driven CEO.“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be,...
A Lot of Angry Friends Out There
Oct 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
My posts last week about feeling angry when a friend dies resonated with a lot of people.I had conversations with family, friends, and online “friends” all week. My posts dredged up feelings for many that had been long repressed. Some people took the opportunity to fondly remember a friend. Others reacted as if a scab had been scratched, and indeed it had.Those were the people who had been denied the chance to feel that anger when their friend died, and now, years later, it bubbled up again.You can only hold your breath so long, and eventually you have to breathe again. So it is with repressing emotions. Eventually they decide they’ve been constrained long enough.Those who are overwhelmed by the...
Making Sense of Surviving Your Friends
Sep 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people they work with - men and women - are a tight-knit group. They consider themselves a family; Band of Brothers was not an accidental title. Because of the nature of their close living conditions, and the hazards of their work, they must have complete trust in each other....
Friend Grief and Anger
Sep 29, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never more than when you’re grieving. There’s a long list of people we can be angry with:The person who died: why didn’t they take better care of themselves? Why did they take such a stupid chance? What were they thinking?The medical community: why didn’t the doctor force them to take better care of their health? Why didn’t the paramedics get there sooner? Why hasn’t someone discovered a cure for cancer, etc.?God: why did you make a good person suffer? Why did you leave those children without a parent?...
Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month
Sep 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanI was watching the news the other night and the reporter asked why the buildings in downtown Chicago had green lights at the top. Well, they’re not green; they’re teal, the color adopted by the ovarian cancer movement.Ovarian cancer - like melanoma - is a silent killer. The symptoms are subtle and easily dismissed: bloating, painful intercourse, sense of urgency or increased frequency for urination, back pain, constipation, fatigue, unusual weight gain, sleepless nights, abdominal pain, headaches, difficult menstrual cycles, difficulty eating or feeling full quickly. I bet that any woman reading this is thinking “uh-oh...” And most of the time, these symptoms are not a cause for serious concern.There is no Pap smear or mammogram for detection. There...
Waiting for a Friend’s Funeral
Sep 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
One of the stark realities of being the friend of someone who has died is that you’re not in charge.When a family member dies, one or more relatives are designated to carry out specific tasks. They may simply follow the wishes of the deceased, or may be forced to make choices about everything from burial clothes to readings.They may ask friends of their loved one to participate, typically as a pallbearer. Friends may be asked to give a eulogy or share photos for a display at the funeral home.Typically, friends are simply expected to support the family, whose grief is assumed to be more important. They have no decision-making power.Because of that lack of control and lack of participation -...
A Medal of Honor for His Fallen Friends
Sep 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Sgt. Dakota MeyerPhoto by NY Post"If I was a hero, I would’ve brought them all out alive.”You may have seen the video last week of Marine Sgt. Dakota Meyer in the East Room of the White House. He’s not a man who likes a fuss made over him, and he wasn’t just a guest: he was there to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor from President Obama.He called it the worst day of his life; September 8, 2009. Then-Corporal Meyer and another Marine, Staff Sgt. Juan Rodriguez-Chavez, refused orders and commandeered a Humvee to head to the “killing zone”. Back and forth five times, they rescued 23 Afghans and 13 Americans, also retrieving the bodies of 4 members of his...
Winnie the Pooh’s Friend Grief
Sep 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Christopher Robin & Poohby E.H. ShepardAnd now for something completely different…Perhaps my favorite children’s stories are about Christopher Robin and his best friend, Winnie the Pooh.There was always an ordinary quality to their stories: get up in the morning and see what happens. Characters had strengths and flaws, but were always acceptedWe all have friends like Tigger - the personification of ADHD - whose non-stop energy is exhausting. Who doesn’t have a friend like Eeyore, who assumes the worst in any situation? And Rabbit: I mean, really, who wants a party-pooper like him for a friend?Actually, we all have friends like them and the other characters in the book. And although from time to time they all get frustrated with...
The New 9/11 Memorial
Sep 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
There aren’t a lot of quiet places in New York City. So when I considered the building of a 9/11 Memorial on the site of the World Trade Center, I was skeptical. With the West Side Highway on one side, and Manhattan high rises, stores and construction on the other three, the Memorial seemed doomed. It would be swallowed up, a place where grief would be distracted by jackhammers, sirens and car horns.I was wrong.Yesterday I visited the new 9/11 Memorial. By now you’ve probably seen photos of the two waterfalls, in the footprints of the towers, and the futuristic building that will serve as the entrance to the Museum when it opens next year. The final design took years...
The Buddhists and the Brits Commemorate 9/11
Sep 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Bagpipers and Pipe & Drum Corpsat the British GardensWhen most people think of 9/11 observances, they think first of New York, then Washington, then Pennsylvania. They think in terms of Americans remembering the loss of American lives. They think in terms of solemn, patriotic ceremonies, naming the names of those who died; perhaps displaying those names on programs or engraving them in stone. They wave American flags and banners.And while it’s true that most of those who died that day were American citizens, the victims represented 93 countries.The British, to no one’s surprise, conduct a formal ceremony in a tiny slip of park in the middle of Wall Street, called the British Garden (now renamed the Queen Elizabeth 2 Commemorative...
Ground Zero - 10 Years Later
Sep 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
British & Canadian police officersat Ground Zero“Everything’s different this year.”I wish I had a dollar for every time I said or thought those words, or heard them from someone else yesterday. The anniversary brought many changes to the ceremonies, restrictions and mood.I was at the corner of Liberty & Trinity for the naming ceremony. I didn’t stay for the whole thing; I was there to listen for my classmate’s name. Last year, I realized it had always been mispronounced, and made it my goal for the 10th anniversary to make sure that was corrected.When I heard her name - pronounced correctly - I started to laugh. But instead a sob caught in my throat. It was all I could do...
FROM ONE TO ELEVEN: The Essence of Grief by Damon DiMarco
Sep 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Bring them back, God, please bring them back. This is the essence of grief. Not the secret we shared with a lover, divulged, or the song we composed, which the critics destroyed, or long holes torn in the silk of our souls. It’s the truth that you can’t bring them back. I will never forget there are men who fight fires. Or faces that smiled in the hallways, the stairs. Or clerks who vowed to remain at their desks until even their bosses get out.And I want you to bring them back now, God. I want you to please bring them back. Here are some items we found. Look here. This shoe. This pen. This piece of debris. We cherish...
The Arts and 9/11: "110 Stories"
Sep 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
2,753 empty chairs in Bryant ParkTwo nights.Two plays.Same subject.But as is typical in any art form, two completely different approaches.On Friday night I saw Sarah Tuft’s play, 110 Stories, which benefited the New York Says Thank You Foundation. There were some pretty serious problems at the location that delayed the start of the show for over an hour, but there were also some very stark difference between 110 Stories and The Guys, which I saw Thursday night.Unlike that play, which had only two characters, 110 Stories presents introduces you to 30 people from all walks of life who were at Ground Zero on that day, or involved in the recovery effort. Also a staged reading, the characters were portrayed by...
The Arts and 9/11: "The Guys"
Sep 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
From the original production Last night I attended a performance of Anne Nelson’s beautiful play, The Guys, starring Sigourney Weaver and Tom Wopat, benefitting the FDNY Foundation.A deceptively simple premise based on the playwright’s personal experience, The Guys tells of a meeting between Joan, an editor, and Nick, an FDNY fire captain. Nick lost 8 men on 9/11, and a week later, needs help writing eulogies for the first four services.The language is real and funny and gut-wrenching, sometimes all at once. Joan gradually draws out stories of each man, as Nick struggles with his grief for his guys, and survivor guilt (he switched shifts with his best friend).He rails against the hero status each has acquired, arguing that...
Tourism and Souvenirs: 9/11-style
Sep 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
9/11 Lottery BallsThis is a picture of my “favorite” 9/11-related offense last year: people dressed as a firefighter and police officer lottery balls. They were on a corner a couple blocks from Ground Zero while the Naming Ceremony was going on, and people were posing for pictures with them.Any holiday or important date seems to be fair game for exploitation. We see Martin Luther King weekend mattress sales, after all. Ground Zero may be considered hallowed ground, but the event itself is often used in a disrespectful and purely mercenary way.I’m of two minds here. Many excellent books have been written about the attacks, heroism and recovery efforts: Requiem by Gary Suson, Firehouse by David Halberstam, and of course Tower...
