Blog
men's grief
"Bury His Heart, But Not His Love"
Jun 26, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Shannon Stapleton/Reuters/LandovWe'll continue contsidering how people honor the memory of their friend by taking another look at one of the most popular posts on Friend Grief. It's a look back at the eulogy given for Fr. Mychal Judge, FDNY chaplain who died on 9/11. Giving the eulogy was not something his friend planned to do, but he certainly rose to the occasion:I've never been called upon to give a eulogy for a friend. I wrote the eulogy a hospice chaplain read for my father’s funeral. I’ve made remarks at friends’ memorial services. But I’ve never given a formal eulogy: never stood up in front of a gathering of mourners, script in hand, before a microphone, praying for strength.The photo here is one...
Daddy's Friends
Jun 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Daddy and me in the backyardI wrote this last year. Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of my father's death, and as people often say, "I can't believe it's been that long." Sometimes, too, I can't believe it's only been seven years. Most of his friends I wrote about here are still around. This is for them and for Daddy, and all those who grieve a friend this Father's Day weekend.My parents were part of a group of about 6 couples. All had married around 1949, stayed married, raised their families in the same place they grew up themselves. My Dad met one guy when they were 5 years old; others he met when they worked at a factory. The men were...
"Tell Me About Your Friend"
Jun 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
stecchinonyc.comThis is something I shared when I first started this blog early last year. The conference is long over, and we've made a triumphant return visit to Stecchino's since then. But the advice remains solid, especially when it comes to men grieving their friends:We were having dinner at Stecchino’s on 9th Avenue in New York, a lively group of eight who were attending the Writer’s Digest Conference. With the agent Pitch Slam behind us, the tension of the past two days was finally wearing off, aided by wine, laughter and crab cakes.I don’t remember what we were talking about. But suddenly George turned to me and said very matter-of-factly, “my best friend died at 29. It changed...
Competing Over Grief
May 01, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Karl SpraguePlease welcome my friend, Karl Sprague, who has an important perspective on grieving a friend:It wasn’t the first time I’d canceled a meeting. I knew he was having some business challenges, but several other people needed my help that day. So I canceled. I sent an email apology, along with some available dates on my calendar for us to reschedule. I didn’t hear back right away, but figured we’d get back in touch soon. It happens all the time.Six days later I got a phone call from Anthony’s wife. He was dead. The circumstances were cloudy, and she gave little detail in our short conversation. Subsequent reports suggested it was a suicide. Anthony was my age, with two kids...
The Good Men Project
Apr 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A friend of mine who works with a lot of men’s groups told me about The Good Men Project. It’s a great website where men (and the occasional woman) come together to discuss what it means to not just be a man, but a good man.Recently here I wrote about how my opinion had changed drastically, when considering how men grieve their friends. It received some really beautiful responses, here and elsewhere, including Porter Anderson’s Writing on the Ether: Engendering Grief.I took that basic article and submitted it to The Good Men Project, where it’s posted today. I hope you’ll stop by there to read it, but also to see what else they have to say.We all have expectations placed...
Carpe Diem
Apr 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Sayan Sarkar“Why do we wait until it’s time to bring in Make-a-Wish to go after our dreams?”I’m paraphrasing a friend’s question on her Facebook page last week. The short answer is…because we’re human. Despite that fact, we also believe we have unlimited time ahead of us.A lot of people realize this – for good – when they reach middle age. It’s not so much the passing of their parents – they’re older and it’s “expected”. It’s the deaths of their friends that shock them into action.Sayan Sarkar is President and CEO of InvigorateNOW. He’s a young man with a winning smile. He recently wrote an article for Huffington Post, “How Grief Can Be An Impetus For Change”.He wrote of his...
Live For The Moment
Apr 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
From "Live For The Moment"They’re called “The Dangerous Demographic”: young men. And why not? They think they’re immortal, taking risks that make the rest of us cringe. They race cars, climb mountains, take chances…because they can.But what of those left behind when things go horribly wrong? What about their friends?A study at the University of British Columbia is shining a light on this previously invisible group of mourners. How do young men grieve their friends, those who have died suddenly from accidents?Not surprisingly, the researchers found that men in their 20’s were not immune to societal pressures to ‘man up’. What may surprise you, according to UBC post-doctoral researcher Genevieve Creighton, is that over the long term, suppression of grief...
What To Do With Survivor Guilt
Apr 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Old friends on the park bench“I had no idea he was so unhappy.”That’s a line from The Big Chill, when Alex’s friends are trying to make sense of his suicide. But it was echoed in a phone interview I did this morning.We had spoken earlier in the week, about one of his friends who died a long time ago. But today we talked about two other friends who died since then. A group of them had spent the weekend at a reunion, and from all accounts, had a great time. So it came as a complete shock when two weeks later, one of them committed suicide.“I had no idea he was so troubled,” was the observation. The friend had a...
Worrying About Your Friends
Apr 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of finding out about the deaths of friends. It’s not that I was close to all of them, but they were still a part of my life at some time. So I decided to revisit this post from last spring, because it’s still true.At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s hit Hill Street Blues, Phil would always remind his comrades “let’s be careful out there.”They were cops. They knew every day could be their last.Not everyone lives that consciously, certainly not when they’re younger.But the truth of the matter is, the world is a dangerous place. Stuff happens, no matter where you live.We can eat healthy foods,...
Workplace Grief: IndyCar-Style
Mar 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
radiomichigana.comWhen we hear the term ‘workplace grief’, we probably think of a traditional business setting. Maybe a former employee came back and shot people. Maybe the boss dropped dead of a heart attack. Maybe there was an accident.But people make their livings in a lot of places that aren’t cubicles: baseball diamonds, stages, beaches, movie theatres, day care centers, gyms.Sometimes, by virtual of their professions, people also find themselves in the public eye. Knowing you’re going to – rightly or wrongly – be judged by the media and strangers can reasonably compound your grief for your co-worker.Last October, Dan Wheldon died in a horrific crash at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. British-born Wheldon, the two-time Indianapolis 500 winner, lived in St....
When Your Pain is Self-Inflicted
Mar 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Christopher MeeksAs we grow older, we lose more friends. It’s just the way it is. Call it “life”; “the law of averages”. Maybe you just think of it as “shit happens”.Author Christopher Meeks wrote on HuffPost50 about the death of his friend, Andy LaMarca. He begins by recounting Shakespeare’s “seven ages of man” from As You Like It.“There’s a stage that Shakespeare didn’t define, but it’s the decade where everyone you love starts dying.”It’s humbling and infuriating and too damn sad for words sometimes. “There is no answer to ‘is it fair?’” he says. “It just is.”As I’ve written here before, life has a way of detouring us, despite our best intentions. We get complacent (a nice euphemism for ‘lazy’)....
Mars and Venus Grieve Their Friends
Mar 14, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Many books have been written about the differences between men and women, especially regarding relationships. Mostly, they focus on romantic relationships. Some consider friendships: girlfriends and “the guys”. If you asked a group of people if men grieve differently, I’m guessing most would say yes. They’d insist that men work through their grief by doing things: keeping up with familiar routines or running errands for the family of their friend who died.They may insist just as strongly that women talk through their feelings. Men are assumed to not want to verbalize their grief, much less share it.Well, that described my opinion. When I started interviewing people for my book, I approached the men with pre-conceived notions about how they’d respond....
Friends Grieving for George Harrison
Feb 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
George Harrison's birthday was a few days ago. He would've been 69 years old. I find it almost impossible to think of that gangly, 20 year old "quiet Beatle" on Ed Sullivan's Show as a senior citizen.Last fall, I wrote this about him, after watching the excellent "Living in the Material World" documentary about his life. As in "The Concert for George", his friends talk about their love for him. I highly recommend both films, whether you're a Beatlemaniac or not. Because you'll find yourself marveling at the beautiful, complicated friendships he treasured so much:A few months ago, I blogged about Paul McCartney’s concert at Wrigley Field and how his tributes to John Lennon and George Harrison were so very different: while the...
Friend Grief When a Colleague Dies
Feb 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeff Zaslow and The Girls from AmesIn the course of your working life, you will have worked with hundreds, maybe thousands of people.Co-workers may play in the same band, or share a claustrophobic cubicle. They may work on a project together, or just pass by in the hallway. They may share living quarters, like firefighters or monks. They may work together for weeks or months or years.Not all co-workers are friends: many are rivals. But often shared experiences, born from impossible deadlines or the excitement of creating something special, forge lifelong friendships.Several people I’ve interviewed for my book have talked about their grief at losing a colleague. Others are talking about it this week, with news of the deaths of...
Friend Grief and "The Concert for George"
Dec 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This post originally appeared in February, but I’m quite partial to the documentary of this concert. At first I was drawn to it because I’m a huge fan of George Harrison. But as I watched the special on PBS, I became more and more entranced by the commentary from Eric Clapton and others. You’ll see why:“All I wanted to do was really share our love for George and his music with the people. I need to do this for him, but it’s for me most of all – I need to be able to express my grief in this sort of way.” – Eric ClaptonHow do we memorialize our friends? How do we show the world how much that person...
“Old Friends Make Life’s Voyage a Pleasure Cruise”
Nov 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Eric Zorn If you ever wondered why friends are so important to us - men and women alike - just read Eric Zorn’s column in today’s Chicago Tribune.It points out what I’ve tried to explain in this blog: our grief when they die is unlike other types of grief. When you read his column, you think, “Well, of course, they would mourn for each other”. And I’m sure they will. But that kind of experience - friend grief - is often dismissed as unimportant, lacking in comparison to grieving a family member.But love is love, and when someone we love dies, we mourn them. Our hearts don’t care about titles or legal relationships. All we know is that the world...
Making Sense of Surviving Your Friends
Sep 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people they work with - men and women - are a tight-knit group. They consider themselves a family; Band of Brothers was not an accidental title. Because of the nature of their close living conditions, and the hazards of their work, they must have complete trust in each other....
The Arts and 9/11: "The Guys"
Sep 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
From the original production Last night I attended a performance of Anne Nelson’s beautiful play, The Guys, starring Sigourney Weaver and Tom Wopat, benefitting the FDNY Foundation.A deceptively simple premise based on the playwright’s personal experience, The Guys tells of a meeting between Joan, an editor, and Nick, an FDNY fire captain. Nick lost 8 men on 9/11, and a week later, needs help writing eulogies for the first four services.The language is real and funny and gut-wrenching, sometimes all at once. Joan gradually draws out stories of each man, as Nick struggles with his grief for his guys, and survivor guilt (he switched shifts with his best friend).He rails against the hero status each has acquired, arguing that...
“My Best Friend Died and It Changed My Life”
Aug 31, 2011 by Victoria Noe
The 4-legged version of George
If George Davis was an animal, he’d be a Labrador retriever puppy: boundless energy and enthusiasm, openly affectionate and fun. We met at a writer’s conference in New York, and I was touched by his encouragement of my work. He’s a cheerleader for his friends and their dreams. But it took the death of his best friend to make him a cheerleader for his own dreams.Over wine at Rachel’s on 9th Avenue, he told me about his friend, who died at the much too young age of 29. Most of that conversation will be revealed in my book, but there was something that struck me then, and in the eloquent eulogy he gave...
Paul McCartney – Grieving for John and George in Music
Aug 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Last night at Wrigley -Ruthie Hauge - Sun Times MediaOkay, another gratuitous photo of Paul McCartney.At his Wrigley Field concert last night, he did indeed perform the two songs I wrote about yesterday, “Here Today”, dedicated to John Lennon, and “Something”, dedicated to George Harrison.It has been said that men grieve differently. But what I saw onstage was a man who grieved two very different friends in very different ways.“Something” began simply, with Paul singing along to his ukulele accompaniment. But eventually his band joined in for a lush performance. The video screen was filled with images of George and Paul: rehearsing, performing, and goofing around at various moments in their friendship. It was a tribute to George, a love...
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