Blog
What Do You Miss the Most?
Jan 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When you think about a friend who has died, what do you miss the most? Maybe you went to school together, and you miss passing notes in class.Maybe you worked together, and you miss getting to know each other over shared projects.Maybe you were neighbors, and you miss knowing they were right there next door, a safety net and comforting presence.Maybe you traveled together, and you miss exploring, getting lost and having adventures only the two of you could possibly appreciate.Maybe you only knew them online, and they died before you had the chance to meet them face to face.Maybe you hadn’t seen them in years – decades, even – and wonder now why you didn’t make the effort...
Helping Young Men Grieve Their Friends
Jan 15, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Live for the MomentLast spring I wrote about a photographic exhibit Live for the Moment. The exhibit, based on a study by Dr. Genevieve Creighton at the University of British Columbia, showed how young men used photography to deal with the death of a friend. The study continues with an exhibit this month in Whistler, BC, with photographs taken by a group of men aged 19-25 who each lost a friend to accidental death in the past year. What Dr. Creighton found was that even in the broad category of “accidental” deaths, there was a wide range of circumstances as well as responses.The community responds differently to accidental deaths “on the mountain” (skiing or snowboarding) than to those off...
How Long Should You Grieve Your Friend?
Jan 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Sometime last year I was on my parish Yahoo group. I mentioned my friend, Delle Chatman, whose encouragement led me to begin writing about grieving the death of a friend. One of the women on the group posted: “I think about her every day.”When she typed this, it had been five years since Delle died.“I think about her every day” doesn’t mean she thinks about her in a sad way, of course. It might mean that she simply walks by Delle’s apartment building, or sees a gun-metal grey PT Cruiser like the one Delle used to drive. Something triggers a memory.There are times when I walk into the coffee house we used to frequent and even now, six years...
I Might Want to Interview You
Dec 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Despite the holidays, I'm currently researching the third and fourth books in the Friend Grief series. One is on the experience of grieving the death of a friend in community, the other in the workplace. Part of that research is interviewing men and women who have gone through this.There are several demographics I’m interested in:Police FirefightersMedical personnel (all levels, but not those who work in a doctor’s office)NunsPerforming artists (musicians, actors, dancers, singers)MonksMilitarySenior citizens The criteria for all demographics are the same:They must have experienced the death of a friend they worked with (except senior citizens – for that group it’s a friend they lived with in a retirement community).They need not be currently working at that job.They must be...
Where Do You Go to Grieve Your Friends?
Dec 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Student at fork in the roadI was raised Catholic, though I probably don’t fit the definition of what some people consider a “good” Catholic. But I assume God and I will discuss the finer points of that topic at a later date.So I was brought up going to funeral high masses, listening to “Dies Irae”, coughing from aggressive use of incense. Before the funeral was a wake at a funeral parlor, sometimes lasting several days. Flowers sent by friends and family were delivered as people gathered before the dead person in their coffin. Mass cards were left, and everyone signed the condolence book so that thank you’s could be sent in the weeks ahead. There was a little room where...
Grieving for Friends You Never Met
Dec 14, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jessica Hill, API had a blog post ready for today, but it will have to wait until next week.I turned on my computer to see “Breaking News” screamed in big red letters across the screen: shooting at a Connecticut elementary school.At first, I didn’t realize the magnitude of the story: was it a domestic dispute? An angry student? A disgruntled former employee?But then I read a little more, and the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut revealed itself to be more horrible than anyone could have anticipated.I can’t watch the news about this on TV. I check on Facebook and Twitter, and now and then on news websites, but that’s the extent of what I’m capable of doing right now.My daughter in...
The Luxury of Grief
Dec 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
“You have to get over it.”“It’s time to move on.”“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”I’d like to call for an immediate, international ban on all of the above.Grieving your friends is hard enough. A lot of people – even those closest to you – just don’t get the depths of your sadness. While they may cut you some slack if you lost a family member, the death of a friend doesn’t usually inspire a lot of compassion.You may even agree with those pious words of “support”. You may convince yourself that you’re too busy to grieve, especially during the holidays when our busy lives get even busier.Denying yourself the time to grieve is an invitation for complications down the...
Thoughts on World AIDS Day
Dec 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
AIDS Memorial QuiltNational Mall, Washington DCIn all honesty, it was a week of AIDS. Early in the week I completed the first draft of the second book in the Friend Grief series: Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends. As the week progressed, that high was sustained by anticipation. I was going to a screening of United in Anger and then to a memorial service, organized by a friend and led by my former pastor.But in between the book draft and Saturday, that anticipation became tempered with frustration. The first World AIDS Day was in 1988: why are we still commemorating it? Why do we still need to commemorate it?By Friday, my frustration had hardened into...
World AIDS Day 2012
Nov 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Despite the fact that my production schedule has been blown to hell, this week I managed to finish the first draft of the second book in the Friend Grief series: Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends.It’s not the book I thought it was going to be. Whether it is any good at what it is remains to be seen.But what came up time and again – as I re-read classic books by Randy Shilts and Larry Kramer and watched new documentaries on the history of ACT UP – was the frustration and anger that still exists today. And it exists because AIDS still exists.Even the victories have unintended consequences. The AIDS cocktail of drugs that has...
George Harrison's Friends
Nov 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
If you’ve read this blog for any length of time you already know I’m a huge Beatles fan. What I didn’t expect was that they’d actually give me something to write about here, something important about grieving your friends.Today is the eleventh anniversary of the death of George Harrison. It’s also the tenth anniversary of The Concert for George, a superstar musical event produced by his friends in his memory. You can watch it all day today on the George Harrison YouTube channel.What struck me the most about that concert film – and the emotional documentary Living in the Material World – was the willingness of his friends to talk about their love for George.In the former, Eric Clapton freely...
Getting Through The Holidays After Your Friend Dies
Nov 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I hated the holidays – Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day – when I was single and not dating. I felt like it was the annual reminder from the universe that I was alone. Everyone had someone during the holidays except me. At least that’s what it felt like.It’s hard to lose a friend, whether they were our best friend, a co-worker, a neighbor, the girl whose locker was next to ours. The holidays are hard after you’ve lost a family member. But what about for those of us who have lost a friend?I’ve been reading articles about coping with grief during this festive time of year. Without exception, they focused on grieving a family member. Nothing wrong with that. I’ve had...
Setting Up A Facebook Tribute Page for Your Friend
Nov 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Families have an advantage when someone dies. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But it’s true.They have legal rights. Society views them as the primary mourners. Most people will take their cues from the family, as far as appropriate ways to mourn.But what about you? What about the friends?Social media – Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn – are part of our lives. Some people are more invested in it than others, for social and/or business reasons. But it affects most of us in some way.So it stands to reason that the subject of expressing our grief online would be a topic of discussion and controversy: Should a death be announced online? That debate has been brewing for a while and won’t go...
Should You Tweet a Friend’s Funeral?
Nov 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
TwitterIn the interest of full disclosure, I have texted from a funeral. I sat by myself in the last pew, at least five rows away from anyone else. I was texting my girlfriend two states away who couldn’t attend. I figured if I didn’t disturb anyone and God didn’t strike me dead, my good intentions were sufficient to justify my behavior.But I have to admit that when I read Matthew Ingram’s article What I Learned While Live-Tweeting a Friend’s Funeral on Gigaom.com that it gave me pause.Ingram felt that live-tweeting was a tribute to his friend, a long-time user of Twitter who was interested in social technology. He also felt it fit his friend’s sense of humor, and the family...
Big Changes for Friend Grief
Oct 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
UPDATE - 11/1/12HURRICANE SANDY-RELATED DELAY FOR E-BOOK LAUNCH. DON'T WORRY - IT'S COMING!If I’ve seemed quiet lately, there’s a reason. I’ve been attending a conference and doing research, which took a lot of time. But November will be a big month for Friend Grief.On November 2, the first in a series of small books on the topic of grieving your friends will be released. Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives a Damnwill expand on a few earlier blog posts on anger. It will be available on all e-book platforms, and the links will be posted here as soon as they’re available. For my followers in the UK, Canada and Australia, you’ll be able to...
A Look at “Love is the Cure”
Oct 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
From the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous:8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.If you or someone close to you has been in a 12-step program, you’re familiar with steps 8 and 9. Singer/songwriter/philanthropist Elton John’s new book, Love is the Cure, documents his climb out of addiction and how he continues to make amends, most importantly through his AIDS charity.If you’re a fan of his, like me, you probably wonder how he managed to come out of the 80’s alive and healthy. So does he.Honestly, the book was a surprise...
Death Café – There’s a First Time for Everything
Oct 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Last Tuesday evening, I co-hosted the first Death Café in Chicago. A phenomenon that began in Switzerland and spread to London, a Death Café provides a safe, non-judgmental and non-therapeutic setting for people to come together and talk about death and grief.Our group was all men (except me, lurking on the edge). Although the seven men did talk about friends – and even animals – there happened to be an unusual situation: one man’s mother was actively dying. As befitting a supportive atmosphere, most of the conversations had to do with family dynamics and relationships. The feelings associated with grief are common, no matter the relationship to the person who died: sadness, guilt, anger, regret, gratitude. All of them were...
Chicago’s First Death Café
Oct 05, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Sounds weird, doesn’t it? Death Café I guess the first question is, ‘what and where is it?’Well in this case, it’s in Chicago next week. A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic gathering of people who want to discuss their experiences grieving. Death, as we know, is a subject that can put a damper on most conversations. But here, it is the conversation.Therapy is great, whether individual or group. But that’s not what this is. Many people just need a chance to talk about what they’re going through: without judgment or diagnosis. And as it turns out, a lot of those people are men.Like it or not, men are still expected to be the “strong” ones when someone close to...
"How to Survive a Plague"
Oct 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Art by Keith HaringThere’s a moment near the end of How to Survive a Plague, the powerful new documentary about the AIDS epidemic, and specifically, the role of ACT-UP in changing the way drugs are tested and made available in the US.There’s a contentious meeting of ACT-UP New York going on, and playwright/activist Larry Kramer is shown, his face tightening in frustration. Finally he explodes: “Plague! We’re living in a plague! Listen to yourselves!”Living through the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic was like living in a plague, or in a war, because it was both: a health crisis that became a desperate war to save lives.The truly remarkable thing to me about this film is that it exists at all....
Friend Grief as Pinball Game
Sep 27, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Most people are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s famous stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She herself acknowledged that those who are dying (the original study members) and their survivors may not follow these stages in exact order. But as time has passed since her 1969 book On Death and Dying, society has adopted these five stages as gospel. They’ve been co-opted to explain the feelings of fans after their favorite sports team is eliminated from post-season play, or a TV show is cancelled. It’s only recently that the medical community has questioned those stages.From my own experience, I’d say they’re pretty accurate. But grief – mine included - is rarely neat and linear.Baylor University’s press release...
Writing About Depressing Stuff
Sep 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’ve written before about how writing about grief can affect you, but I think it’s worth revisiting, in a little broader sense.There are people who cringe when I tell them what most of my writing is about. I understand their feeling that grief is “depressing”. But there are many whose work could be classified that way: Hospice volunteers AIDS outreach workers Oncologists First respondersI had a friend whose job was to fire people in her company (I hate “lay off” – let’s call it what it is). I thought she had an incredibly depressing job, but she didn’t think so. She was so considerate about how she handled each person that they often wound up sympathizing with her.I’ve also met...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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