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A Request about Friend Grief
Dec 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
As you probably know, I’m writing a book about people’s experiences grieving the death of a friend. ‘It’s Not Like They’re Family’: Mourning Our Friends and Celebrating Their Lives is a look at the phenomenon of friend grief: the lack of respect for that kind of grief, and how it’s often a catalyst for major life changes.I’m looking for stories for several chapters in the book:Workplace grief: when the friend who died is a co-worker.Community: when the friend who died is a member of a community (religious orders and first responders in particular).People who were shut out by their friend’s family, either while the friend was dying or afterwards (not notified of the death or banned from funeral).And always, what...
"Forming Community" - AIDS@30
Nov 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve & I at the Drake "Forming Community" first appeared in April in Windy City Times. I was honored that publisher Tracy Baim asked me to be part of her series on the history of the epidemic. For tomorrow, World AIDS Day, here it is:The first time I remember being conscious of the effects of AIDS was March, 1983. My girlfriend was in the hospital, after a difficult labor and delivery that called for a transfusion. She worked in the lab at that hospital and knew the blood supply wasn’t safe. When I visited her there, her sheets had more color. But she still refused the transfusion.Sex in the 80’s – gay or straight – was a challenge. I was...
World AIDS Day 2011 - 30 Years of AIDS
Nov 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Disenfranchised grief” is defined as grief that is not socially accepted or acknowledged. I learned a lot about it in the AIDS community.Thursday, December 1, is World AIDS Day, this year marking the 30th anniversary of the pandemic.I worked in the AIDS community in Chicago in the late 80’s/early 90’s, after volunteering for a while to raise money for much needed services.If you had told me in 1981 that 30 years later we’d have no cure, I wouldn’t have believed you. Scientists always seemed to be “closing in on” a cure.If you had told me in 1981 that in addition to having friends who died within weeks of their diagnosis, that I would also have friends who have been HIV+...
Being Thankful for Our Friends
Nov 25, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I don’t think it was intentional, but I seem to have spent a good part of November connecting and re-connecting with friends.I’m sure the fact that this month was the 5 year anniversary of my friend Delle’s death had something to do with it, at least subconsciously.So I began to be very assertive about the time I spent with friends. It began with a trip to New York:Several days there seeing shows, eating and drinking with Eileen, who I’ve known since…well, a long time.A relaxing lunch on an unseasonably warm day in Union Square Park with an old boyfriend.Reconnecting with two friends from college (after not seeing either for 30+ years), for a catching-up, laughing lunch on the Upper West...
Giving Thanks for Missing Friends
Nov 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“As long as you remember him, he’s not really dead.”I’m paraphrasing a line from Doctor Who, but that’s certainly the intent of the Doctor’s message.As Americans pause to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, and even those in other countries mark the day with giving thanks by volunteering, it’s a sentiment worth considering.Holidays - like anniversaries and birthdays - can be painful for anyone who’s lost someone they love. We are haunted by memories of time spent together, and I use the word “haunted” deliberately. The memories don’t necessarily make us feel good.But as we give thanks, let us remember - without being haunted - our friends.I’ll remember laughing on the phone with Carol, who watched the Iran-Contra hearings on C-SPAN as she lay...
Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost…A Friend?
Nov 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Hearts will never become practical until they become unbreakable.” - Wizard of Oz“To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.” - Van HelsingMost people who use the phrase “loved and lost” think of a relationship breaking up. But what if it really meant the death of a friend?Are you better off - even in your grief - for having known your friend?Do you wish you’d never met them, because the pain you feel now is so intense?In other words, is the pain worth it?There are certainly moments - especially when your grief is fresh - when you may think it’s not worth it. But then who would you...
When to Remember Our Friends?
Nov 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Happy birthday, Delle May 29 or November 22?January 15 or April 4?What difference does it make what day you commemorate your friend?Well, in the case of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr., there’s definitely a difference.Few people know that Kennedy’s birthday is May 29. The day we forever associate with him is the day he was assassinated.The opposite is true of Dr. King: his birthday is a national holiday, but the day he was killed is not as important.My friend, Delle Chatman, died on November 7. Perhaps because my memory of that day is so clear, I tend to not forget it. Her birthday is tomorrow, November 19. I was in New York on the 7th this...
A Death Café?
Nov 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Salon (n.) A periodic gathering of people of social or intellectual distinction.I always wanted to host a salon. I had visions of the Algonquin Round Table and American expatriates in the Paris of the 1920’s. Make no mistake, I’ve had gatherings like that occasionally, with incredibly talented and opinionated friends. But they never happened often enough for my liking.So when I read Kristie West’s blog this week about the second London Death Café, it gave me pause.The concept of the Death Café began in Switzerland, and has spread to London, where Kristie lives. She’s a grief counselor, specializing in helping those who have lost a parent. A Death Café, much like those celebrated salons, is a gathering of people -...
How to Avoid Grieving Your Friend
Nov 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Sometimes it's too lateI’ve been encouraging (a nicer word than “preaching”) visitors here to reach out to their friends and let them know how important they are to you before it’s too late. What’s too late? Too late is when all you can do is regret what you didn’t do or say. And that happens a lot more often than we care to admit.Sometimes the idea begins with a simple thought, “I wonder whatever happened to…” Sometimes a discovery triggers an old, pleasant memory. Both happened to me recently.I was planning yet another trip to New York, and knew I had some unplanned down time while I was there. I called the usual friends I see when I’m there -...
What Else I Learned about Myself from Delle Chatman
Nov 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
When I told Delle I had an idea for a book, I was nervous. I was hoping she wouldn’t laugh, although I knew her well enough by then to know she wouldn’t. Mostly, I was nervous about saying the words, “I have an idea for a book”: a book that I would write, not a book someone else should write.I’d never written a book before, never seriously considered it. She was supportive, as I expected: “just do it,” she answered, with a wave of her hand. In her mind, there were no impediments to following through. But there were. I put the idea aside as her condition worsened and she died. A few months later, I started thinking about it...
What I Learned about Myself from Delle Chatman
Nov 07, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Delle Chatman Five years ago today was election night. I’d talked to Delle’s brother Gregory earlier: “I’m writing my sister’s obituary,” he said quietly. I turned off my computer about 7:00, to watch the election results: just about the time that my friend, Delle, left us.I was sorting through the research for my book when I came upon a folder simply marked Delle. Inside were a variety of things: the tribute DVD created by “30 Good Minutes”, the PBS program she appeared on; another of her play, The Answer; her obituary from the Chicago Tribune. Stuck inside, though, was a piece of paper I’d forgotten about for five years that brought more than one tear to my eyes.I had...
A Question about Friend Grief
Nov 04, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I posed this question on my Facebook page Friend Grief:“What’s the most important thing you learned about yourself when you lost a friend?”We’re here because we’ve experienced the death of a friend. We’ve cried and raged and felt regrets.But what have we learned?Not about death, not even about how those around us have dismissed the impact of our grief.What have you learned about yourself?Have you learned - perhaps too late - how much your friend meant to you?Have you learned your friendships are more important than you ever imagined?Have you learned you are who you are because of your friend?Did their death teach you that you’re stronger than you thought?Maybe you have an answer to one of these questions. Maybe...
“Old Friends Make Life’s Voyage a Pleasure Cruise”
Nov 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Eric Zorn If you ever wondered why friends are so important to us - men and women alike - just read Eric Zorn’s column in today’s Chicago Tribune.It points out what I’ve tried to explain in this blog: our grief when they die is unlike other types of grief. When you read his column, you think, “Well, of course, they would mourn for each other”. And I’m sure they will. But that kind of experience - friend grief - is often dismissed as unimportant, lacking in comparison to grieving a family member.But love is love, and when someone we love dies, we mourn them. Our hearts don’t care about titles or legal relationships. All we know is that the world...
Grieving Your Friend in Public
Oct 31, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Your friend died, and you’re grieving. For the most part, that grief is private. But imagine if everyone in town was talking about your friend. Imagine if every time you turned on the TV or radio, or logged onto your computer, someone was talking about your friend.Imagine, too, that upon hearing the news of your friend’s death, you are confronted with members of the media pushing microphones into your face, asking for a comment. How eloquent do you think you might be?In In Other Words: Artists Talk About Life and Work, Anthony DeCurtis recounts an interview with Paul McCartney in 1987. They covered his years with the Beatles (it was the 20th anniversary of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)....
To Tell or Not to Tell…That You’re Dying
Oct 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Many people seem to have had the experience that I described in my last post, "Would You Tell Your Friends That You’re Dying?"An older woman was distressed that to find out about a friend’s death when the Christmas card she sent was returned, stamped “deceased.”Another woman was sworn to secrecy by her family member, who didn’t want her friends to know she was dying. She didn’t want to see “The Look”.A friend of mine refused to accept visitors, and would only talk to a very few friends over the phone.Make no mistake: I respect each and every person’s decision to live their lives as they wish, especially after receiving a diagnosis of impending death. The decision to tell - or...
Would You Tell Your Friends That You’re Dying?
Oct 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”. You don’t mean to do it. In fact, you might think the expression on your face is one of love and support, successfully hiding the shock and pain you feel inside. Unfortunately, it’s often interpreted as pity.I’ve read stories of people who were dying and kept their diagnosis secret specifically because they didn’t want to see “The Look” on their friends’ faces. I know people who have isolated themselves, refusing visitors, because they don’t want...
"Living in the Material World"
Oct 24, 2011 by Victoria Noe
A few months ago, I blogged about Paul McCartney’s concert at Wrigley Field and how his tributes to John Lennon and George Harrison were so very different: while the song dedicated to John was full of regret and guilt, the one for George clearly showed the love they felt free to express to one another.HBO has been showing Martin Scorcese’s documentary about George Harrison, “Living in the Material World”. His wife, Olivia, and son, Dhani, spoke fondly and honestly about George. But it was in the words of his friends that you really got a sense of the man: strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures.One friend admitted that it was still difficult for him to talk about George, ten years...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 3
Oct 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In my last post, I brought up the painful situation of not being notified of a friend’s death.As we all know, the stress of grief can affect our memories. Try as we might, things fall through the cracks as we plan for the funeral and deal with the loss of a loved one. It’s embarrassing at times. Personally, I’m on a mission to require name tags at wakes. People you haven’t seen in years walk up and say “you don’t remember me, do you?” On a good day, it’s hard to recognize people you haven’t seen for decades. Being at a wake is probably not a good day. But I digress.Families are usually the ones organizing the funeral events, and...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 2
Oct 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
From the outside looking inI have a friend, a dedicated librarian at a public school for special education kids. When I told her about my book, she said she had a story for me.I sat down with her after school, in the back of her library. She told me the story of a friend of hers. They’d been friends for years, had their ups and downs. But nothing prepared her for finding out about her friend’s death months after it happened. The family knew of their friendship, but hadn’t contacted her. The pain she felt was real: not just the death of the friend, but the missed opportunities to set things right, and to properly mourn.Months later, I received an...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt.1
Oct 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
If you have lost a friend - recently or not so recently - you already know. Pick up your local paper on any day, and you will find a section devoted to obituaries. Some are news articles about prominent people in the community or the world at large. Some are standard “death notices” submitted by families through the funeral home.These notices tend to follow a standard format, which includes the surviving family members (sometimes mentioning those who have already died, particularly a spouse). They may list names, or just note the numbers of surviving grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They may list the deceased’s alma mater, career, places they lived, hobbies and charitable causes near and dear to their heart. What they...
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