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Friend Grief
AIDS: Everything Old is New Again
May 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” – George Santayana There is perhaps no more perfect quote to describe the current state of the AIDS epidemic. A close second would be “out of sight, out of mind.”Last week I found myself at a fundraiser for the West Hollywood Public Library Foundation and the proposed AIDS memorial. It was a benefit screening of How to Survive A Plague, the Academy-Award nominated and much-honored 2012 documentary about ACT UP New York and the AIDS epidemic.I spent time with Jim Eigo, a founder of ACT UP NY, who I’d met at their meeting in New York earlier in the month. He participated in a panel discussion that followed the film.What...
Running - or Walking - to Remember Your Friend
Apr 30, 2013 by Victoria Noe
On Sunday I participated in the Our House“Run for Hope”. I didn’t actually run; I walked 2.7 miles. Our House is a terrific grief support center in West Los Angeles. Their work with adults and children is important and life-changing. I was glad to support their event, and my friend, Fredda Wasserman, who works for them.Everyone who walked or ran got a t-shirt. When you registered, you had the option of personalizing your shirt so everyone would know who you were honoring. I opted not to: I couldn’t decide on only one person.As I walked the route, I made note of why people were there. “I’m running for…” the backs of their t-shirts read, with a name, relationship...
Friend Grief and AIDS
Apr 23, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I always knew that one of the books in the Friend Grief series would address the AIDS epidemic. Like many who lived through those early years, it was something that shaped my life. It was, I believe, close to the experience of being in in a war. At least, that’s how it felt.I wasn’t sure what my focus would be for the book. There are already many incredible books about AIDS and ACT UP and the Names Project and other aspects of that time. But I quickly realized that the role friends played, especially in the early years, was critical.We knew we were needed, that we were depended upon to take up the slack for disapproving families and an indifferent...
Friends in Boston or Elsewhere
Apr 19, 2013 by Victoria Noe
www.espn.go.comLike many people, my plans were derailed Monday by the horrific news coming from the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I don’t know about you, but when a tragedy like this unfolds, I’m glued to the TV. It’s not that I enjoy seeing the shocking images replayed every few minutes. I just want to understand: what’s going on and why. I can’t ignore it, at least not yet.Three are dead and well over 100 injured. So far, at least, I don’t know anyone directly affected. But that’s not a lot of consolation. Most people aren’t directly affected. Except they are.When something unexpected happens, something so jarring, we scramble to explain it. But sometimes answers are slow to...
My Writing Group
Apr 04, 2013 by Victoria Noe
markdivincenzowriter.com In the fall of 2006, a flyer from Swedish Covenant Hospital arrived in the mail. Among the events listed was a class in life story writing. It was just over a year after my father died, and coupled with my being the family genealogist, I decided it was time to start writing down the stories I’d heard all my life.We were a group of about a dozen or so, mostly women, mostly older. The leader was a retired creative writing teacher from Northwestern University. Each week we read something we’d written, and the group critiqued it. I’d not had any of my writing critiqued since college, so it was a little unsettling. And at the time, the idea of writing...
Friend Grief and Anger is Finally Here
Mar 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
After a number of fits and starts – too many to list, but including Mercury in retrograde – I’ve finally released the ebook version of the first book in my Friend Grief series (paperback version coming soon). Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damngrew from a conversation I had with my friend, Delle Chatman, in 2006. We were sitting in Metropolis, the coffee house we frequented, and she was in remission from ovarian cancer. An idea had been bouncing around my head, and though I was nervous, I told her I had an idea for a book to write. She was enthusiastic as always, and I promised her I’d do it.I guess it...
Friend Grief Wants You
Mar 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
gabrielweinberg.comI’m currently researching and interviewing people for books in the Friend Grief series. Many of you have stories about grieving a friend, stories that are important – not just to you, but to others. Your experience can help other people who are struggling with their own grief, often in private because those around them don’t understand.I’m looking for people in the following situations: You’re active duty military or a veteran and a comrade died. You’re a first responder and one of your co-workers died.You live in a religious community (convent, monastery, etc.) and one of your members died.A friend of yours died on 9/11 (you don’t have to be a co-worker or survivor of the attacks). A friend you...
Dead Friends Who Still Talk To You
Mar 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanFour of us sat in the front of St. Gertrude’s Church one November morning. It was a year after our friend Delle Chatman’s death.Kim, Rina, Jeannie and I originally met Delle because our children attended Sacred Heart Schools on Sheridan Road in Chicago. Now the four of us decided to remember her with Mass followed by red velvet cupcakes at Metropolis, the coffee house where we all hung out.In November, St. Gert’s puts up an ofrenda: a small, temporary altar displaying photos of parishioners who died during the previous year. Prominent on the table, just to the side of the main altar, was a joyous photo of Delle and her daughter, dressed in traditional African robes, dancing. It was definitely...
"The Life and Death of Clay Hunt"
Mar 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
en.wikipedia.orgAs a rule, I don’t watch 60 Minutes. It’s on at a time when I’m usually doing something else. But Sunday night I happened to turn it on just as it was beginning, and that became a good news/bad news moment.The third book in the Friend Grief series is about friends who live and work together, and the military figures prominently in it. I’ve been learning a lot lately about the epidemic of suicide among active duty military and veterans, in the US and UK.As I’ve explained in recent posts, there are a number of contributing factors: multiple deployments, inadequate screening for pre-existing mental health issues, substance abuse, grief for their comrades and survivor guilt.Sunday’s program opened with “The Life...
When Grief Goes On and On
Mar 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Not all veterans are menI recently visited the Westside VA Medical Center in Los Angeles and spoke to people in their palliative care division. These are professionals who counsel veterans of all ages. I learned a lot from them, and frankly, not much of it was good. We talked about survivor guilt and grief, and how they are factors in post-deployment mental health issues (PTSD, substance abuse, suicide).My research lately has focused on recent vets, and the suicide epidemic affecting active duty troops. But I learned that grief for comrades – and complicating guilt – lasts for decades.One person I spoke to works with Vietnam and WW2 vets. Both aging populations, as they near the end of their lives...
Freaking Out About Your Friends
Feb 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I admitted recently that I’m a little paranoid about the health of my friends. Okay, more than a little. Three death notices in a week’s time will do that to you. So when I hear comments like… “She called the doctor; something’s wrong and she’s not sure what.”“He’s not eating.”“She’s been coughing for weeks.”“They’re running more tests.”…I can feel my body tense up.Maybe you have a friend whose health is shaky. Maybe they drink too much, or use drugs. Maybe they’re so busy taking care of their families than they neglect their own needs. Maybe they’re healthy as a horse, but something strange has happened.No one wants to hear a lecture about their health. “Stubborn, not incompetent” is the...
Going to a Friend’s Wake – Having Fun Yet?
Feb 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
A dear friend of mine died Saturday morning, from lung disease and complications from the flu. She was one of the first people I met when I moved to Chicago in the late 1970’s, and we worked in the theatre community. Mary Ellen was larger than life. She did nothing halfway and rarely hesitated to express her opinion. She was a teacher, director, collaborator, consultant and all-around creative genius. My memories of her are random:Finding her at a fundraiser, deep in conversation with Peter Ustinov.Coordinating the table decorations for my wedding reception.Helping her with a garage sale after her mother died.Getting really drunk one night after work and finding ourselves at a meeting of the Chicago Art Deco...
Who’s to Blame When Your Friend Dies?
Feb 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
righteousmarketing.comI’ve been doing a lot of research on how the military – active duty and veterans – cope with the grief of losing their comrades. Often survivor guilt complicates their grief. One of the interesting things I found was a checklist the US Navy uses to help someone whose grief is compounded by guilt. It attempts to determine who or what was responsible for their comrade’s death. That’s not the same thing as blame or guilt, but bear with me.The list identifies every person or situation or organization that could have any hand in the death of a service member: enemy action, the surviving unit members, the unit’s officers, etc. Then it branches out: unarmed civilians, the chain of...
Another Birthday on Friend Grief
Feb 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Two years ago today, I started this blog. It was one week after I attended my first writing conference. I had an idea for a book, had conducted a few interviews, done some serious research, but I wanted to know if anyone else thought I was doing something that would make a good book.I found out that there were a lot of people who thought I was onto something. And they encouraged me to not wait until the book was finished: start a blog. Now.So I decided to begin a conversation with you. At that time, if you Googled “grieving the death of a friend”, you’d be directed to more sites dealing with the death of a pet...
When Surviving Your Friends is Too Much to Bear
Jan 30, 2013 by Victoria Noe
mil.state.or.usIn 2012, 229 US troops were killed in Afghanistan.In 2012, 349 US troops committed suicide.Yes, you read that right.Suicide among veterans and active duty service members is on the rise. The total for last year represented a double-digit increase, regardless of branch of service.This is not just an issue for US troops. Suicides have also risen alarmingly among the UK’s forces in Afghanistan.The first order of business, of course, is why?Suicide is a complicated issue. Are the armed forces doing a good job screening applicants, rejecting those with obvious mental health issues? Are there contributing factors, such as alcohol or drug abuse? Is the shock of war too much for some people?All of those are valid considerations, but one of...
Friend Grief and Survivor Guilt
Jan 25, 2013 by Victoria Noe
realwarriors.netIt’s a situation no one wants to find themselves in, but if you are a first responder or in the military, it’s likely. For some unfortunate people who are not in those professions, it can be even more devastating. In David Halberstam’s book The Firehouse, he recounts the story of his neighborhood firehouse, near Lincoln Center on New York’s upper west side. On September 11, 2001, thirteen firefighters raced to the scene of the World Trade Center attack. One returned. The only reason he survived is that a photographer saw his arm sticking out of the rubble at Ground Zero. Not only did he suffer from guilt, but some people hated him for surviving: why him and not one...
Stepping Back from Friend Grieving
Jan 22, 2013 by Victoria Noe
123rf.comI’ve written about this before, but I thought this was a good time to revisit the topic of self-care when writing about grief – or any difficult subject. And I believe the same principles apply to those working in hospice, therapists and grief counselors.The fifth book in my series about grieving the death of a friend will be about 9/11. I always knew it would be included, but I deliberately positioned it late in the series. My blog posts about that day have been difficult to write. It’s overwhelming at times to even think about it. So I gather research, read books, and fill up a shelf in my bookcase. And I walk away. Eventually, I’ll have to take a...
What Do You Miss the Most?
Jan 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When you think about a friend who has died, what do you miss the most? Maybe you went to school together, and you miss passing notes in class.Maybe you worked together, and you miss getting to know each other over shared projects.Maybe you were neighbors, and you miss knowing they were right there next door, a safety net and comforting presence.Maybe you traveled together, and you miss exploring, getting lost and having adventures only the two of you could possibly appreciate.Maybe you only knew them online, and they died before you had the chance to meet them face to face.Maybe you hadn’t seen them in years – decades, even – and wonder now why you didn’t make the effort...
Helping Young Men Grieve Their Friends
Jan 15, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Live for the MomentLast spring I wrote about a photographic exhibit Live for the Moment. The exhibit, based on a study by Dr. Genevieve Creighton at the University of British Columbia, showed how young men used photography to deal with the death of a friend. The study continues with an exhibit this month in Whistler, BC, with photographs taken by a group of men aged 19-25 who each lost a friend to accidental death in the past year. What Dr. Creighton found was that even in the broad category of “accidental” deaths, there was a wide range of circumstances as well as responses.The community responds differently to accidental deaths “on the mountain” (skiing or snowboarding) than to those off...
How Long Should You Grieve Your Friend?
Jan 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Sometime last year I was on my parish Yahoo group. I mentioned my friend, Delle Chatman, whose encouragement led me to begin writing about grieving the death of a friend. One of the women on the group posted: “I think about her every day.”When she typed this, it had been five years since Delle died.“I think about her every day” doesn’t mean she thinks about her in a sad way, of course. It might mean that she simply walks by Delle’s apartment building, or sees a gun-metal grey PT Cruiser like the one Delle used to drive. Something triggers a memory.There are times when I walk into the coffee house we used to frequent and even now, six years...
