Victoria Noe

Award-winning Author, Speaker, Activist

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9/11 + 14

9/11 + 14
Sep 08, 2015 by Victoria Noe
9/11 Memorial, NYC

Fourteen years is a long time. But this Friday marks fourteen years since the terror attacks of September 11, 2001.

If you’re reading this you probably remember that day. Maybe you heard about it on the radio, or someone woke you to say “Turn on your TV!”. Maybe your building was evacuated or your office shut down.

The cable networks have already started rerunning specials about the attacks, as if you could ever forget what happened that day. But the truth – to the surprise of many of us – is in the numbers.

Fourteen years means students who are in grade school or high school today don’t remember that day; in fact most of them...

Anticipating a Friend's Death

Anticipating a Friend's Death
Aug 19, 2015 by Victoria Noe
“Anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss.” – Wikipedia

Last week was one of ‘those’ weeks. I don’t know if it was the alignment of the planets, or global warming or what, but I heard an unusual amount of scary news about friends, including:

One of my mom’s oldest friends had kidney surgery.

One of my college friends had heart surgery.

Another friend announced she is starting chemo soon for liver cancer.

As my husband annoyingly reminds me, we’re at that age when the people around us – not just those older – are dying. That doesn’t make me feel better.

In all the examples above, there was reason to be optimistic. By all accounts, the surgeries were successful. The...

What I Learned at #WDC15

What I Learned at #WDC15
Aug 04, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Writer Unboxed panel

I don’t attend a lot of writing conferences. When I do, I have very specific goals. Maybe there’s a keynote speaker I want to hear. Often the workshop topics are ones that I need to learn more about. Always it’s because I believe there’s something valuable to learn. Rarely have I been disappointed.

I’m just back from the 2015 Writers Digest Conference in NYC. It’s my sixth one: five in NYC, one in LA. The first one I attended, in 2011, changed my life.

It was the first writers’ conference I dared to attend. I knew next to nothing about writing or the business; in fact, I started tweeting for the first time on my...

Friend Grief and Reunions

Friend Grief and Reunions
Jul 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Roses at our mass

Summer is reunion time. I have friends who are preparing for their high school reunions.

My 45th was last month, and for the first time, I missed it. I helped organize the 6 year reunion (somehow the whole fifth year got away from us), and attended the 10th, 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th and 40th. Honestly, they’re a lot more fun as time goes on.

But at each reunion, we pause to remember classmates who had died. Sometimes the death is very recent; usually there’s been some time since it happened. If it’s someone we’ve lost touch with, it feels more shocking.

My 35th was the most emotional for me. My father – who adored the nuns...

National Women and Girls' HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

National Women and Girls' HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Mar 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
I was on staff at Chicago House when we opened the city’s first hospice for people with AIDS in January, 1990. At that time, there was only one funeral home that would accept the bodies. Nursing homes and stand-alone hospices refused anyone dying of AIDS. Sympathy was extended only for those who contracted the virus in a way that defined them as “innocent victims”: blood transfusions or birth. It was a beautiful old house near the lake shore, donated to our organization. The doctor who lived next door was opposed to it, but once he understood that people would arrive in an ambulance and leave in a hearse (unlike crowds lined up for the overnight shelter he imagined it to...

Friend Grief and…Valentine’s Day?

Friend Grief and…Valentine’s Day?
Feb 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Good. I got your attention.Valentine’s Day is certainly not a day we associate with friends. It’s one designed to guilt-trip us into spending lots of money on flowers, candy, dinner, lingerie, etc. to share with a romantic partner. Friends? Not so much.I remember when I was younger, that I hated the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. The holidays were all about families, and I was single. The last holiday was the worst, because the expectations were so ridiculously unrealistic. So let’s ignore all the hype and guilt and consider our friends.I don’t know about you, but I found 2014 to be an unusually challenging year. So did a lot of my friends. Relationships, finances, health, or a combination of...

Celebrating Your Friends

Celebrating Your Friends
Jan 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
There was supposed to be a party today.“I want to make it to 90,” Pierre told me when he was 88. His parents had only lived to their 70s, but others in his family had lived longer.“We should have a party,” I suggested. He liked that idea. I mean, if you’re going to live that long, you deserve a celebration. “You could have dancing girls.”His eyes lit up. He liked that idea, too. We never had a chance to discuss details. Pierre died last January, a short time after his 89th birthday.We don’t always remember our friends on their birthdays. Sometimes we remember them on the day they died. November 22 is the day we remember President John F. Kennedy,...

Thankful for Our Friends – Here and Gone

Thankful for Our Friends – Here and Gone
Nov 25, 2014 by Victoria Noe
The holidays are a difficult time for those who grieve.Even under normal circumstances, we feel obligated to be happy, to enjoy ourselves, to crave the company of others. But for those who have suffered the loss of a friend, it’s tough to get in the holiday spirit.We often hear that this time of year is for family. I think we all agree that we like to reconnect with friends, as well. I look forward to seeing friends from high school – often the only time all year we can sit together in one place and catch up on our lives. Next year we’ll have a reunion, but since we lost a classmate on 9/11, we don’t wait around for the...

Friend Grief on Veterans Day

Friend Grief on Veterans Day
Nov 11, 2014 by Victoria Noe
For Veterans Day, I'm reposting the announcement of my latest book, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends. It recently earned an honorable mention in the Chicago Writers Association 2014 Book of the Year Awards. But what means even more to me are the reactions of veterans who have read it: "You get it."Grief is hard. Grief for our friends is often dismissed as unimportant, at least when compared to losing a family member. But friendships forged in the military are different, very different. You’re friends, but more, because your lives depend on it.In my book, you’ll meet men and women on the front lines who watched their friends die, and carry the trauma of that moment with them...

Should You Send Flowers to a Dying Friend?

Should You Send Flowers to a Dying Friend?
Jul 10, 2014 by Victoria Noe
You know what it’s like.You’ve had friends who were dying and refused visitors. Maybe they were overwhelmed, depressed, scared, determined to face their fate alone. Maybe they’d lost a lot of weight and didn’t want anyone to see them ‘like that’. Maybe they didn’t want to see ‘the look’: the facial expression that they interpret as pity.You’ve had friends who even refused to talk on the phone. Maybe talking was painful or difficult. Maybe their memories were shaky. Maybe they just weren’t prepared to talk about their illness with anyone.Those refusals are their right, although being on the other end hurts.You know your friend is dying – or suspect they are, because information is so sketchy. They’ve set very clear...

Be Careful What You Wish For

Be Careful What You Wish For
Jun 27, 2014 by Victoria Noe
I’ve written before about a conversation with some friends, where we discussed our willingness to share news of a serious illness. One of us was already open about her health challenges. Another insisted she would share news with her friends. The other two admitted they were unlikely to tell their friends if they were seriously ill, even the ones sitting at the table.I have several friends who are very open about their health. I don’t think they share that kind of news with everyone. But ours are friendships that are several decades long. We’ve known each other longer than any of our marriages. There’s trust.But even people who would be uncomfortable sharing their own health news with their closest friends...

Policing the Grief Police

Policing the Grief Police
Apr 15, 2014 by Victoria Noe
A couple weeks ago we considered the Grief Police. They’re the people who are more than willing to tell you how to grieve the death of your friend. In fact, they’re probably telling you that you’re making too big a deal out of it.I asked what people want to hear when a friend dies. It’s not really that different than what anyone who’s grieving wants to hear: a simple “I’m sorry” or “I’m glad to listen if you want to talk about it.”  But those comments require a certain amount of empathy, basic human compassion. And frankly, not everyone is capable of that.So, how to respond when someone says something stupid like “it’s not like they were family”? I suppose,...

Friends, Calendars and Facebook

Friends, Calendars and Facebook
Dec 24, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Happy birthday, MareI used to be very diligent about recording birthdays on my calendar. Every year, I’d get a new datebook and wall calendar, and the first thing I’d do is list birthdays of friends and family. Somehow I got out of that habit. When I was addressing Christmas cards the other day, I paged through my address book (yes, I still have an actual address book). Every time I turned to a new page, I said to myself “he’s dead” or “she’s dead” or “they’re both dead”. I don’t know about you, but I can’t bring myself to get a new address book. That would mean not putting in names of friends and family who are no longer...

Friends and/or Loved Ones

Friends and/or Loved Ones
Dec 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
If you’re like me, you’ve been through your share of wakes and funerals. Although every culture has their own traditions, one is universal: the role of a friend. Family members are typically at the center of the grief universe. They’re the ones notifying the world, making arrangements, dealing with logistics. But I think we can all agree on what most people expect friends of the deceased to do: support the family. Just support the family.I saw a lot of exceptions to this when I worked in the AIDS community. People, whose families had rejected and abandoned them, even as they were dying, relied on their friends for everything. But generally speaking, if a friend of yours dies, you’re relegated...

The Next Friend Grief Books

The Next Friend Grief Books
Nov 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Do you consider the people you work with to be friends? Have you experienced the death of one of them?I’m currently looking for people to interview for the next two books in the Friend Grief series.Book #4 is Friend Grief and Community: Band of Friends. It focuses on active duty military and veterans – men and women, of any age - who have lost a battle buddy, either in combat or from suicide.Book #5 is Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. This book’s focus is obvious, and will have a broad definition of “workplace”. You don’t have to work in an office building. Maybe you are an actor, a paramedic, a teacher, a cashier,...

Scattering Ashes at Death Cafe'

Scattering Ashes at Death Cafe'
Aug 21, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Monday night we had another successful Death Café in Evanston, Illinois. Nearly 50 people joined us for coffee, tea, cookies and muffins while we talked about issues surrounding death and dying. We broke up into four groups, each led by a facilitator, for an hour. The conversations were wide-ranging and passionate. My group included people of various religions and no religion; male and female; college-age through retirement. No one was required to share, but most had feelings they wanted to express. Honestly, we could’ve talked for hours.At one point, in discussing our own final wishes, we focused on burial vs. cremation, and, in the latter case, how to dispose of the ashes. Fears of being caught spreading ashes in...

What Do You Miss the Most?

What Do You Miss the Most?
Jan 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When you think about a friend who has died, what do you miss the most? Maybe you went to school together, and you miss passing notes in class.Maybe you worked together, and you miss getting to know each other over shared projects.Maybe you were neighbors, and you miss knowing they were right there next door, a safety net and comforting presence.Maybe you traveled together, and you miss exploring, getting lost and having adventures only the two of you could possibly appreciate.Maybe you only knew them online, and they died before you had the chance to meet them face to face.Maybe you hadn’t seen them in years – decades, even – and wonder now why you didn’t make the effort...

How Long Should You Grieve Your Friend?

How Long Should You Grieve Your Friend?
Jan 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Sometime last year I was on my parish Yahoo group. I mentioned my friend, Delle Chatman, whose encouragement led me to begin writing about grieving the death of a friend. One of the women on the group posted: “I think about her every day.”When she typed this, it had been five years since Delle died.“I think about her every day” doesn’t mean she thinks about her in a sad way, of course. It might mean that she simply walks by Delle’s apartment building, or sees a gun-metal grey PT Cruiser like the one Delle used to drive. Something triggers a memory.There are times when I walk into the coffee house we used to frequent and even now, six years...

Thoughts on World AIDS Day

Thoughts on World AIDS Day
Dec 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
AIDS Memorial QuiltNational Mall, Washington DCIn all honesty, it was a week of AIDS. Early in the week I completed the first draft of the second book in the Friend Grief series: Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends. As the week progressed, that high was sustained by anticipation. I was going to a screening of United in Anger and then to a memorial service, organized by a friend and led by my former pastor.But in between the book draft and Saturday, that anticipation became tempered with frustration. The first World AIDS Day was in 1988: why are we still commemorating it? Why do we still need to commemorate it?By Friday, my frustration had hardened into...

At a Loss for Words (For Once)

At a Loss for Words (For Once)
Jul 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ehow.comLet’s say someone you know is grieving a friend’s death. Let’s say you didn’t know their friend, but you know they were close.And let’s say you want to be supportive in their time of grief.Where do you start?If you’re like many people – maybe even most people – you may find yourself at a loss for words. I’ve seen people who normally talk a mile a minute be absolutely tongue-tied at the thought of supporting someone who’s grieving.They might mumble, “I’m sorry for your loss.” And then what?If you ask people who grieve, they will tell you how much they value the support of others. When it’s a friend who has died, rather than a family member, they...

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