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Writing About Depressing Stuff
Sep 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’ve written before about how writing about grief can affect you, but I think it’s worth revisiting, in a little broader sense.There are people who cringe when I tell them what most of my writing is about. I understand their feeling that grief is “depressing”. But there are many whose work could be classified that way: Hospice volunteers AIDS outreach workers Oncologists First respondersI had a friend whose job was to fire people in her company (I hate “lay off” – let’s call it what it is). I thought she had an incredibly depressing job, but she didn’t think so. She was so considerate about how she handled each person that they often wound up sympathizing with her.I’ve also met...
A Final Gathering of Friends
Sep 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
northwoodscottage.comYesterday’s Chicago Tribune carried a beautiful story by Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reporter Meg Kissinger. She introduced us to Dick Rothing, who at the age of 55, received a shocking, unexpected diagnosis of metastatic esophageal cancer.He knew he wanted to go home. Home is his family’s compound, “R-Place”, on Little St. Germain Lake in Wisconsin, a part of his life since 1957.His sister and sister-in-law drove him from Montana for a last visit. His grade school friends joined him in June, and a few days later, Rothing returned to Montana. But not for long.A few weeks later, he came back to R-Place for good. This time his best friend since kindergarten brought his son, for a father-son fishing expedition with Rothing,...
Another Clear Blue Tuesday
Sep 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The past two years on September 11, I was in New York for the observances. Mostly it was research, for that chapter in the book I’m writing. Partly it was personal: a high school classmate died in the South Tower.One of the things that struck me last year was the determination of people from around the world – mostly first responders – to come to New York at their own expense on the anniversary. I spoke to a young police officer from Toronto, who was there for the seventh time, and met firefighters from as far away as Australia. Without exception, they considered it a duty and an honor to be there.It feels strange not being there. This year my...
Christopher Hitchens’ Final Gift
Aug 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Christopher HitchensMy friend, Delle, referred to her cancer as ‘the old squatter.’Christopher Hitchens referred to his as a ‘blind, emotionless alien’. Though his cancer may have been emotionless, Hitchens is anything but in his remarkable final book, Mortality, being released on September 4. Those familiar with his work may be surprised by how vulnerable he is, as he shares his diagnosis of esophageal cancer.Anyone who has had cancer, or known someone who had cancer, will instantly relate to this book. He’s not shy about documenting the horrors endured by the body in pursuit of a cure, brutally honest about the treatment, the side effects and the emotional toll. You can’t help but cringe as he recounts the agony of a...
Sharing Delle with StoryCorps
Aug 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanIf you listen to NPR, you’re probably familiar with StoryCorps. They provide the audio recordings of ordinary people talking about their lives: sometimes about a person, sometimes an event. They’re in Chicago right now and I made an appointment to talk about my friend, Delle Chatman.I knew I’d have plenty to talk about, but I brought a few things with me, along with a list to jog my memory. I had a weekly bulletin from St. Gertrude’s with her picture on the front; her obituary, written by her brother, Gregory; a mailing from 30 Good Minutes, a local PBS program about religion where she frequently appeared; the note she wrote in the hospital announcing that the cancer was back...
“Did I Live My Life Differently Because of Her?”
Aug 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ilovedc.comYou know how it is: something happens to you and you think you’re the first person in the history of mankind to have experienced it. If you’re a Baby Boomer, you probably have that opinion about every single thing that’s ever happened to you.I’ve made no secret of the fact that my friend, Delle Chatman, is the reason I’m now a writer. As I’ve interviewed people for my books, I’ve met others whose lives changed because of one particular friend who died.But now and then I forget that, and need to be reminded.Pam Sherman is a writer and speaker. Her articles appear in the Rochester (NY) Democrat and Chronicle, as well as on her website Suburban Outlaw.Recently, she reflected about...
When Your Friend Dies: TMI
Aug 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I learned about the death of film director Tony Scott in a Facebook post from a friend who had worked with him. Since then, details have trickled out about what is now considered a suicide (several notes were found).It was typical reporting of a celebrity death: “what’s your favorite Tony Scott movie?” Clips from his films were shown on TV and the internet. Reactions from other celebrities were sought.One persistent rumor – denied by his wife – was that he had recently been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Funny: tumor, rumor. Both should be stopped, don’t you think?Anyway, it all seemed typical, until this morning. One of the cable news programs reported that onlookers were shopping videos of Scott’s...
“Passing” by Jeanne Veillette Bowerman
Aug 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeanne Veillette BowermanJeanne Veillette Bowerman is another one of my original Stecchino’s gang, along with Karl Spragueand George Davis. She’s a fabulous screenwriter and teacher (yes, you are). If you don’t follow her blog, Ramblings of a Recovered Insecureaholic, you’re missing something. She has a lot to say, and she says it better than most of us ever will. Not long ago, Jeanne tweeted that her best friend had died suddenly. And true to form, she has written about her friendship. “It’s how I heal,” she said on Facebook, after I shared her post.There are people who come into our lives for a very specific reason. It’s as if they were angels sent on a mission, and when they’ve accomplished...
Online Support for Grieving Your Friend
Aug 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A couple years ago I researched online grief support groups for those who have lost a friend. It was not a fruitful search.Many sites – and they’re wonderful, don’t get me wrong – are specific to certain situations. There are online support groups for grieving a parent, sibling, spouse, child, pet. Some are general grief sites that have chat rooms for specific types of grief. There are sites for those who grieve a family member who died on 9/11 or committed suicide.There are online groups that are more general, concentrating on the commonalities of our grief. And like I said, they’re very good.I made a conscious decision when I started Friend Grief that it would not be an online grief...
Friend Grief in 140 Characters (2 of 2)
Aug 03, 2012 by Victoria Noe
twitter.com“Have you ever seen a funeral procession go past and felt the urge to shout abuse? Perhaps something mild such as ‘I’ve never heard of him!’ or ‘He was rubbish!’. No, me either. In June, Shane Richmond, Head of (Editorial) Technology for The Telegraph, called for civility on Twitter when it comes to grieving. We may not hear about a close friend’s death on Twitter, but if we spend any time in the Twitterverse we’ll definitely see breaking news about the death of someone in the public eye: Amy Winehouse, Gore Vidal, Adam Yauch, Nora Ephron: we probably never met them, and may not have known their work. But the news went out on Twitter for the world to see.I’m...
Friend Grief in 140 Characters
Jul 31, 2012 by Victoria Noe
twitter.comThe Twitterverse doesn’t miss much: political gaffes, celebrity gossip, shameless self-promotion. There are writers who swear by the discipline needed to express themselves within the 140-character limit. You want breaking news – not tape-delayed, like our Olympics coverage? Log onto Twitter. That said, is it the best place to grieve?I’m not talking about the incredible hospice programs, writers, therapists and other professionals who tweet information about programs to help people work through their grief.And I’m not talking about those who tweet death notices of famous people.I’m talking about people who run to Twitter to express their grief.Twitter is a community, though a virtual one, like this blog. And let’s face it: it’s often easier to express our feelings online...
Friend Grief and Death Cafe - Guest Post from Kristie West
Jul 27, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Kristie WestI’m thrilled to welcome Kristie West to Friend Grief. I met Kristie on Twitter last year, and though she’s in London and I’m in Chicago, we’ve struck a great friendship. She agreed to share her experience with Death Café and how it relates to grieving the death of a friend:I know Viki has her Death Café coming up soon…which is very exciting!….so when she asked me to guest blog I decided to talk about the relevance of a Death Café to friend grief and the impact one could have on the other.One of the hardest bits around grief can be the experience of feeling that people aren’t there for you. This can be more severe when the person that...
Talking About…You Know…
Jul 24, 2012 by Victoria Noe
facebook.comSince the horrific events of last Friday in Aurora, Colorado, people in the US have been forced to talk about something they don’t like to talk about: death. We talk about hundreds of topics every day, some boring, some exciting, and occasionally something controversial or uncomfortable: sex, drugs, bodily functions, violence, politics.As a society, though, we have a hard time talking about something every single one of us will experience.So our conversations over the weekend focused on the motivation of the shooter and the gun control debate. We did our best to come up with a logical explanation for what happened. The truth is much more complex, and unlikely to satisfy anyone.What we ignored – or tried to –...
Friend Grief in Public
Jul 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Today’s headlines are a little close to home for me. My cousin is the city manager of Aurora, Colorado, where (at this writing) twelve people were murdered and dozens wounded in a shooting spree at the midnight showing of the new Batman movie. I haven’t heard from him yet, but I’m sure he’s up to his ears. A lifetime of experience can’t begin to prepare you for something this horrific.The way the media covers tragedies like this one can be debated for eternity. Often in crisis, news organizations shine. But too often, as hours turn into days, they give in to what they defend as ‘the public’s need to know’.Honestly, all the public needs to know are the facts, especially...
At a Loss for Words (For Once)
Jul 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ehow.comLet’s say someone you know is grieving a friend’s death. Let’s say you didn’t know their friend, but you know they were close.And let’s say you want to be supportive in their time of grief.Where do you start?If you’re like many people – maybe even most people – you may find yourself at a loss for words. I’ve seen people who normally talk a mile a minute be absolutely tongue-tied at the thought of supporting someone who’s grieving.They might mumble, “I’m sorry for your loss.” And then what?If you ask people who grieve, they will tell you how much they value the support of others. When it’s a friend who has died, rather than a family member, they...
Reprise: "The Melody of Friendship"
Jul 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Kathleen PoolerI thought this would be a great time to revisit memoirist Kathleen Pooler's post from early 2011 about her friend, Judy. I'm sure her experience will remind you of friends in your life:When I read Viki’s post, “Do You Need Any Help?”, I immediately thought of my best friend, Judy, who died of breast cancer in 1993 after a five year battle. Viki invited me to do a guest post on what it is like to lose a dear friend. Let me tell you about Judy…Where do I begin to describe a friendship of twenty years; a friendship that endured life’s many tough lessons and trials? The diagnosis of cancer, the rigors of single parenting, the challenges of living in...
Counting the Missing: High School Reunions
Jul 12, 2012 by Victoria Noe
whatwoulddadsay.comIt’s that time of year for high school reunions. Maybe you’ve been invited to one this summer. Maybe, like me, you’re in between reunions.Some people are afraid to go, afraid to face the people they knew so long ago. They obsess about their weight, their jobs, their accomplishments, and often wind up talking themselves out of going. Others have only bad memories and are left with no desire to make new ones. Some look forward to the opportunity to reconnect, take stock, and, let’s admit it, brag.Sometime after the 20th, when most people are focused on bragging, the mood shifts. We spend less time talking about ourselves, and more time catching up with people we only seem to see at...
“I Pray That I Am The Last”
Jul 10, 2012 by Victoria Noe
When a friend dies, many of us struggle with a question: How can I make sure they’re not forgotten? Not everyone is a celebrity, whose artistic creations or legislative record or exploits on the field of battle will be recounted in history books and HBO specials.Most of the time when a friend dies, they’re just ordinary people, like us. In a world of billions, their uniqueness can be forgotten.Twenty-five years ago, San Francisco recorded its 1,000th death from AIDS. As part of the annual candlelight march commemorating the assassinations of George Moscone and Harvey Milk, marchers were asked to make signs, each with the name of someone they knew who had died of AIDS.Remember, this was a time of...
A Birthday Reflection on Friends (Here and Not)
Jul 08, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Today is one of those birthdays. You know the ones: they end in “0”. We give them special significance, as if they mean something more than just the passing of one more year.A little over ten years ago, I sat with my friend, Delle, at the end of year awards ceremony at our daughters’ grade school. Prize Day is the way Sacred Heart Schools end each year, formally moving up to the next grade, and publicly acknowledging academic and artistic achievements. Her daughter had just finished first grade; mine had just finished second grade.I turned to her at one point and said, “I’m turning 50 next month and I don’t know what I want to do.”Her eyes got big....
Remembering Friends: “Creativity and Crisis – Day 3
Jul 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’d intended to get to the Smithsonian Folkways Festival on the National Mall early today, to help unfold the Quilt. But 9:00am came and went, as the organizers discussed the advisability of displaying the Quilt in ever more oppressive heat. While they did, someone suggested I go to the Quilting Bee tent. That’s where panels were being made by volunteer quilters during the Festival. I was welcomed into the tent, and I did indeed unfold Quilt panels. But these were panels in various stages of completion.Each was different, as unique as the person they memorialized: Bible verses, song lyrics, photos, messages. The quilters used scraps of fabric, pens, colored thread and other materials to create each panel. I unfolded...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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