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Friend Grief
"Forming Community" - AIDS@30
Nov 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve & I at the Drake "Forming Community" first appeared in April in Windy City Times. I was honored that publisher Tracy Baim asked me to be part of her series on the history of the epidemic. For tomorrow, World AIDS Day, here it is:The first time I remember being conscious of the effects of AIDS was March, 1983. My girlfriend was in the hospital, after a difficult labor and delivery that called for a transfusion. She worked in the lab at that hospital and knew the blood supply wasn’t safe. When I visited her there, her sheets had more color. But she still refused the transfusion.Sex in the 80’s – gay or straight – was a challenge. I was...
World AIDS Day 2011 - 30 Years of AIDS
Nov 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Disenfranchised grief” is defined as grief that is not socially accepted or acknowledged. I learned a lot about it in the AIDS community.Thursday, December 1, is World AIDS Day, this year marking the 30th anniversary of the pandemic.I worked in the AIDS community in Chicago in the late 80’s/early 90’s, after volunteering for a while to raise money for much needed services.If you had told me in 1981 that 30 years later we’d have no cure, I wouldn’t have believed you. Scientists always seemed to be “closing in on” a cure.If you had told me in 1981 that in addition to having friends who died within weeks of their diagnosis, that I would also have friends who have been HIV+...
Being Thankful for Our Friends
Nov 25, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I don’t think it was intentional, but I seem to have spent a good part of November connecting and re-connecting with friends.I’m sure the fact that this month was the 5 year anniversary of my friend Delle’s death had something to do with it, at least subconsciously.So I began to be very assertive about the time I spent with friends. It began with a trip to New York:Several days there seeing shows, eating and drinking with Eileen, who I’ve known since…well, a long time.A relaxing lunch on an unseasonably warm day in Union Square Park with an old boyfriend.Reconnecting with two friends from college (after not seeing either for 30+ years), for a catching-up, laughing lunch on the Upper West...
Giving Thanks for Missing Friends
Nov 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“As long as you remember him, he’s not really dead.”I’m paraphrasing a line from Doctor Who, but that’s certainly the intent of the Doctor’s message.As Americans pause to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, and even those in other countries mark the day with giving thanks by volunteering, it’s a sentiment worth considering.Holidays - like anniversaries and birthdays - can be painful for anyone who’s lost someone they love. We are haunted by memories of time spent together, and I use the word “haunted” deliberately. The memories don’t necessarily make us feel good.But as we give thanks, let us remember - without being haunted - our friends.I’ll remember laughing on the phone with Carol, who watched the Iran-Contra hearings on C-SPAN as she lay...
Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost…A Friend?
Nov 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Hearts will never become practical until they become unbreakable.” - Wizard of Oz“To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.” - Van HelsingMost people who use the phrase “loved and lost” think of a relationship breaking up. But what if it really meant the death of a friend?Are you better off - even in your grief - for having known your friend?Do you wish you’d never met them, because the pain you feel now is so intense?In other words, is the pain worth it?There are certainly moments - especially when your grief is fresh - when you may think it’s not worth it. But then who would you...
When to Remember Our Friends?
Nov 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Happy birthday, Delle May 29 or November 22?January 15 or April 4?What difference does it make what day you commemorate your friend?Well, in the case of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr., there’s definitely a difference.Few people know that Kennedy’s birthday is May 29. The day we forever associate with him is the day he was assassinated.The opposite is true of Dr. King: his birthday is a national holiday, but the day he was killed is not as important.My friend, Delle Chatman, died on November 7. Perhaps because my memory of that day is so clear, I tend to not forget it. Her birthday is tomorrow, November 19. I was in New York on the 7th this...
A Death Café?
Nov 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Salon (n.) A periodic gathering of people of social or intellectual distinction.I always wanted to host a salon. I had visions of the Algonquin Round Table and American expatriates in the Paris of the 1920’s. Make no mistake, I’ve had gatherings like that occasionally, with incredibly talented and opinionated friends. But they never happened often enough for my liking.So when I read Kristie West’s blog this week about the second London Death Café, it gave me pause.The concept of the Death Café began in Switzerland, and has spread to London, where Kristie lives. She’s a grief counselor, specializing in helping those who have lost a parent. A Death Café, much like those celebrated salons, is a gathering of people -...
How to Avoid Grieving Your Friend
Nov 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Sometimes it's too lateI’ve been encouraging (a nicer word than “preaching”) visitors here to reach out to their friends and let them know how important they are to you before it’s too late. What’s too late? Too late is when all you can do is regret what you didn’t do or say. And that happens a lot more often than we care to admit.Sometimes the idea begins with a simple thought, “I wonder whatever happened to…” Sometimes a discovery triggers an old, pleasant memory. Both happened to me recently.I was planning yet another trip to New York, and knew I had some unplanned down time while I was there. I called the usual friends I see when I’m there -...
What Else I Learned about Myself from Delle Chatman
Nov 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
When I told Delle I had an idea for a book, I was nervous. I was hoping she wouldn’t laugh, although I knew her well enough by then to know she wouldn’t. Mostly, I was nervous about saying the words, “I have an idea for a book”: a book that I would write, not a book someone else should write.I’d never written a book before, never seriously considered it. She was supportive, as I expected: “just do it,” she answered, with a wave of her hand. In her mind, there were no impediments to following through. But there were. I put the idea aside as her condition worsened and she died. A few months later, I started thinking about it...
A Question about Friend Grief
Nov 04, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I posed this question on my Facebook page Friend Grief:“What’s the most important thing you learned about yourself when you lost a friend?”We’re here because we’ve experienced the death of a friend. We’ve cried and raged and felt regrets.But what have we learned?Not about death, not even about how those around us have dismissed the impact of our grief.What have you learned about yourself?Have you learned - perhaps too late - how much your friend meant to you?Have you learned your friendships are more important than you ever imagined?Have you learned you are who you are because of your friend?Did their death teach you that you’re stronger than you thought?Maybe you have an answer to one of these questions. Maybe...
“Old Friends Make Life’s Voyage a Pleasure Cruise”
Nov 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Eric Zorn If you ever wondered why friends are so important to us - men and women alike - just read Eric Zorn’s column in today’s Chicago Tribune.It points out what I’ve tried to explain in this blog: our grief when they die is unlike other types of grief. When you read his column, you think, “Well, of course, they would mourn for each other”. And I’m sure they will. But that kind of experience - friend grief - is often dismissed as unimportant, lacking in comparison to grieving a family member.But love is love, and when someone we love dies, we mourn them. Our hearts don’t care about titles or legal relationships. All we know is that the world...
Would You Tell Your Friends That You’re Dying?
Oct 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”. You don’t mean to do it. In fact, you might think the expression on your face is one of love and support, successfully hiding the shock and pain you feel inside. Unfortunately, it’s often interpreted as pity.I’ve read stories of people who were dying and kept their diagnosis secret specifically because they didn’t want to see “The Look” on their friends’ faces. I know people who have isolated themselves, refusing visitors, because they don’t want...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 3
Oct 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In my last post, I brought up the painful situation of not being notified of a friend’s death.As we all know, the stress of grief can affect our memories. Try as we might, things fall through the cracks as we plan for the funeral and deal with the loss of a loved one. It’s embarrassing at times. Personally, I’m on a mission to require name tags at wakes. People you haven’t seen in years walk up and say “you don’t remember me, do you?” On a good day, it’s hard to recognize people you haven’t seen for decades. Being at a wake is probably not a good day. But I digress.Families are usually the ones organizing the funeral events, and...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 2
Oct 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
From the outside looking inI have a friend, a dedicated librarian at a public school for special education kids. When I told her about my book, she said she had a story for me.I sat down with her after school, in the back of her library. She told me the story of a friend of hers. They’d been friends for years, had their ups and downs. But nothing prepared her for finding out about her friend’s death months after it happened. The family knew of their friendship, but hadn’t contacted her. The pain she felt was real: not just the death of the friend, but the missed opportunities to set things right, and to properly mourn.Months later, I received an...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt.1
Oct 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
If you have lost a friend - recently or not so recently - you already know. Pick up your local paper on any day, and you will find a section devoted to obituaries. Some are news articles about prominent people in the community or the world at large. Some are standard “death notices” submitted by families through the funeral home.These notices tend to follow a standard format, which includes the surviving family members (sometimes mentioning those who have already died, particularly a spouse). They may list names, or just note the numbers of surviving grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They may list the deceased’s alma mater, career, places they lived, hobbies and charitable causes near and dear to their heart. What they...
Everyone’s Best Friend
Oct 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve Daley “Mourning him would be rather silly. He died too soon, but so do we all. The universe is run idiotically, and its only certain product is sorrow. But there are yet men who, by their generally pleasant spirits, by their dignity and decency, by their extraordinary capacity for making and keeping friends, yet manage to cheat, in some measure, the common destiny of mankind, doomed like the beasts to perish." - H.L. MenckenWe all know people like Steve Daley, who shared this quote with his friend and colleague Mary Schmich. They have lots of friends, but when asked, each one will insist that he made them feel like they were his best friend. In some...
Why Anger and Grief Go Together
Oct 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
EvilMilk.com My posts on anger and grief - and my guest blog on Memoir Writer's Journey - have brought out some pretty emotional responses.It’s hard to tell, sometimes, just what people reading my blog are thinking. Most posts don’t inspire a lot of comments, either on or off the site. But anger has been one of those topics that had really resonated with people.I think the comment - off-line - that stuck with me was the woman who thanked me for giving her permission to be angry.Imagine: a grown woman who needed a stranger’s permission to feel angry.Why wouldn’t you feel angry if your friend is dead? Yes, of course you’re sad. You feel a hole in your heart...
“50/50”
Oct 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“You’ve been sucked into the cancer vortex.”That my friend Delle’s reaction when I told her of my Dad’s diagnosis. She’d been battling cancer herself for almost two years, and knew what was ahead of us.“50/50” is Will Reiser’s autobiographical film about a 27 year old man whose world is rocked by the discovery of a rare form of cancer.Anyone who’s been through cancer diagnosis and treatment will appreciate the truths in this film.The characters are real and mostly sympathetic:Adam himself, vaguely restless before getting sick, now determined to maintain that everything’s okay. He insists he’s fine, even if it means keeping others at arm’s length.His mother, already caring for a husband with Alzheimer’s, is angry with the cancer and her...
100 Thoughts about Friend Grief
Oct 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Today is my 100th blog post. When I started this blog in February, I had one goal: to put a spotlight on the experience of grieving the death of a friend. It appears I’m succeeding.I already knew there were people out there who wanted to tell their stories, or rather, tell the story of a friend who meant the world to them. It’s funny, when you become aware of something, suddenly the whole world is attuned to it. Things you never noticed before are now obvious. So it has been with friend grief. It seems everyone has a story to tell about a friend who died much too soon.Strangers have bared their souls to me, pouring out their frustration and...
Words to Live By from Steve Jobs
Oct 06, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve Jobs, the Apple visionary who changed the world, lost his battle to pancreatic cancer on Wednesday.Although Jobs was known as not always the nicest person to work with, his impact on our lives cannot be overstated.By now, you may have seen the video of his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University. He’d been diagnosed the year before, and had successful surgery. He was in remission. But a near-death experience had an effect, even on this impossibly driven CEO.“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be,...
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