Blog
Friend Grief
A Lot of Angry Friends Out There
Oct 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
My posts last week about feeling angry when a friend dies resonated with a lot of people.I had conversations with family, friends, and online “friends” all week. My posts dredged up feelings for many that had been long repressed. Some people took the opportunity to fondly remember a friend. Others reacted as if a scab had been scratched, and indeed it had.Those were the people who had been denied the chance to feel that anger when their friend died, and now, years later, it bubbled up again.You can only hold your breath so long, and eventually you have to breathe again. So it is with repressing emotions. Eventually they decide they’ve been constrained long enough.Those who are overwhelmed by the...
Making Sense of Surviving Your Friends
Sep 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people they work with - men and women - are a tight-knit group. They consider themselves a family; Band of Brothers was not an accidental title. Because of the nature of their close living conditions, and the hazards of their work, they must have complete trust in each other....
Friend Grief and Anger
Sep 29, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never more than when you’re grieving. There’s a long list of people we can be angry with:The person who died: why didn’t they take better care of themselves? Why did they take such a stupid chance? What were they thinking?The medical community: why didn’t the doctor force them to take better care of their health? Why didn’t the paramedics get there sooner? Why hasn’t someone discovered a cure for cancer, etc.?God: why did you make a good person suffer? Why did you leave those children without a parent?...
Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month
Sep 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanI was watching the news the other night and the reporter asked why the buildings in downtown Chicago had green lights at the top. Well, they’re not green; they’re teal, the color adopted by the ovarian cancer movement.Ovarian cancer - like melanoma - is a silent killer. The symptoms are subtle and easily dismissed: bloating, painful intercourse, sense of urgency or increased frequency for urination, back pain, constipation, fatigue, unusual weight gain, sleepless nights, abdominal pain, headaches, difficult menstrual cycles, difficulty eating or feeling full quickly. I bet that any woman reading this is thinking “uh-oh...” And most of the time, these symptoms are not a cause for serious concern.There is no Pap smear or mammogram for detection. There...
Waiting for a Friend’s Funeral
Sep 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
One of the stark realities of being the friend of someone who has died is that you’re not in charge.When a family member dies, one or more relatives are designated to carry out specific tasks. They may simply follow the wishes of the deceased, or may be forced to make choices about everything from burial clothes to readings.They may ask friends of their loved one to participate, typically as a pallbearer. Friends may be asked to give a eulogy or share photos for a display at the funeral home.Typically, friends are simply expected to support the family, whose grief is assumed to be more important. They have no decision-making power.Because of that lack of control and lack of participation -...
A Medal of Honor for His Fallen Friends
Sep 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Sgt. Dakota MeyerPhoto by NY Post"If I was a hero, I would’ve brought them all out alive.”You may have seen the video last week of Marine Sgt. Dakota Meyer in the East Room of the White House. He’s not a man who likes a fuss made over him, and he wasn’t just a guest: he was there to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor from President Obama.He called it the worst day of his life; September 8, 2009. Then-Corporal Meyer and another Marine, Staff Sgt. Juan Rodriguez-Chavez, refused orders and commandeered a Humvee to head to the “killing zone”. Back and forth five times, they rescued 23 Afghans and 13 Americans, also retrieving the bodies of 4 members of his...
Winnie the Pooh’s Friend Grief
Sep 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Christopher Robin & Poohby E.H. ShepardAnd now for something completely different…Perhaps my favorite children’s stories are about Christopher Robin and his best friend, Winnie the Pooh.There was always an ordinary quality to their stories: get up in the morning and see what happens. Characters had strengths and flaws, but were always acceptedWe all have friends like Tigger - the personification of ADHD - whose non-stop energy is exhausting. Who doesn’t have a friend like Eeyore, who assumes the worst in any situation? And Rabbit: I mean, really, who wants a party-pooper like him for a friend?Actually, we all have friends like them and the other characters in the book. And although from time to time they all get frustrated with...
The New 9/11 Memorial
Sep 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
There aren’t a lot of quiet places in New York City. So when I considered the building of a 9/11 Memorial on the site of the World Trade Center, I was skeptical. With the West Side Highway on one side, and Manhattan high rises, stores and construction on the other three, the Memorial seemed doomed. It would be swallowed up, a place where grief would be distracted by jackhammers, sirens and car horns.I was wrong.Yesterday I visited the new 9/11 Memorial. By now you’ve probably seen photos of the two waterfalls, in the footprints of the towers, and the futuristic building that will serve as the entrance to the Museum when it opens next year. The final design took years...
Ground Zero - 10 Years Later
Sep 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
British & Canadian police officersat Ground Zero“Everything’s different this year.”I wish I had a dollar for every time I said or thought those words, or heard them from someone else yesterday. The anniversary brought many changes to the ceremonies, restrictions and mood.I was at the corner of Liberty & Trinity for the naming ceremony. I didn’t stay for the whole thing; I was there to listen for my classmate’s name. Last year, I realized it had always been mispronounced, and made it my goal for the 10th anniversary to make sure that was corrected.When I heard her name - pronounced correctly - I started to laugh. But instead a sob caught in my throat. It was all I could do...
FROM ONE TO ELEVEN: The Essence of Grief by Damon DiMarco
Sep 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Bring them back, God, please bring them back. This is the essence of grief. Not the secret we shared with a lover, divulged, or the song we composed, which the critics destroyed, or long holes torn in the silk of our souls. It’s the truth that you can’t bring them back. I will never forget there are men who fight fires. Or faces that smiled in the hallways, the stairs. Or clerks who vowed to remain at their desks until even their bosses get out.And I want you to bring them back now, God. I want you to please bring them back. Here are some items we found. Look here. This shoe. This pen. This piece of debris. We cherish...
The Arts and 9/11: "110 Stories"
Sep 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
2,753 empty chairs in Bryant ParkTwo nights.Two plays.Same subject.But as is typical in any art form, two completely different approaches.On Friday night I saw Sarah Tuft’s play, 110 Stories, which benefited the New York Says Thank You Foundation. There were some pretty serious problems at the location that delayed the start of the show for over an hour, but there were also some very stark difference between 110 Stories and The Guys, which I saw Thursday night.Unlike that play, which had only two characters, 110 Stories presents introduces you to 30 people from all walks of life who were at Ground Zero on that day, or involved in the recovery effort. Also a staged reading, the characters were portrayed by...
The Arts and 9/11: "The Guys"
Sep 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
From the original production Last night I attended a performance of Anne Nelson’s beautiful play, The Guys, starring Sigourney Weaver and Tom Wopat, benefitting the FDNY Foundation.A deceptively simple premise based on the playwright’s personal experience, The Guys tells of a meeting between Joan, an editor, and Nick, an FDNY fire captain. Nick lost 8 men on 9/11, and a week later, needs help writing eulogies for the first four services.The language is real and funny and gut-wrenching, sometimes all at once. Joan gradually draws out stories of each man, as Nick struggles with his grief for his guys, and survivor guilt (he switched shifts with his best friend).He rails against the hero status each has acquired, arguing that...
Tourism and Souvenirs: 9/11-style
Sep 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
9/11 Lottery BallsThis is a picture of my “favorite” 9/11-related offense last year: people dressed as a firefighter and police officer lottery balls. They were on a corner a couple blocks from Ground Zero while the Naming Ceremony was going on, and people were posing for pictures with them.Any holiday or important date seems to be fair game for exploitation. We see Martin Luther King weekend mattress sales, after all. Ground Zero may be considered hallowed ground, but the event itself is often used in a disrespectful and purely mercenary way.I’m of two minds here. Many excellent books have been written about the attacks, heroism and recovery efforts: Requiem by Gary Suson, Firehouse by David Halberstam, and of course Tower...
Preserving Stories of 9/11
Sep 07, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Stories on the Ofrenda at St. Paul's ChapelWhat really separates humans from animals is the ability to tell and record stories. From the beginning of time, men and women have told stories about their lives, their dreams and their beliefs. And they’ve found ways to pass them along: oral storytelling and drawings on the walls of caves; hieroglyphics and illuminated manuscripts; blogs, texts, tweets and books. There are two organizations that are preserving stories about 9/11.Story CorpsSince 2003, Story Corps has collected and archived more than 35,000 interviews from more than 70,000 participants. Each conversation is recorded on a free CD to share, and is preserved in the American Folklife Center at the Library of Congress. Story Corps is one...
Friend Grief and the 10th Anniversary of 9/11
Sep 05, 2011 by Victoria Noe
And now, as they say, a programming note: I will be writing from New York City starting September 7th, on the 10th anniversary observances of 9/11. I’m there for two reasons: First, one chapter in my book covers people who lost friends on 9/11; some of those stories also pop up elsewhere in the book. Second, one of my high school classmates died in the South Tower, and I’m going to hear her name read at the Naming Ceremony (hopefully, pronounced correctly this year), and to see her name engraved on the new 9/11 Memorial.I’ll be looking at the anniversary from a number of different perspectives: how the arts and different faiths are observing it, for example. You can expect...
Labor Day Thoughts on Workplace Grief
Sep 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People work in offices and construction sites, museums and restaurants. Rarely do they work completely alone. They have co-workersI remember my Dad’s funeral. He was a deputy sheriff, and some of the other deputies escorted the funeral procession to the cemetery: riding ahead to block intersections, later standing in formation, adding an air of importance that my Dad would’ve loved. It was how they honored them.It’s hard to grieve when a co-worker has died. The reminders of the loss are there, in front of you sometimes, all day long. They are replaced, because someone has to do their job. You may feel resentful and angry, perhaps even because their death left you with a whole lot more work to do.We often spend...
“My Best Friend Died and It Changed My Life”
Aug 31, 2011 by Victoria Noe
The 4-legged version of George
If George Davis was an animal, he’d be a Labrador retriever puppy: boundless energy and enthusiasm, openly affectionate and fun. We met at a writer’s conference in New York, and I was touched by his encouragement of my work. He’s a cheerleader for his friends and their dreams. But it took the death of his best friend to make him a cheerleader for his own dreams.Over wine at Rachel’s on 9th Avenue, he told me about his friend, who died at the much too young age of 29. Most of that conversation will be revealed in my book, but there was something that struck me then, and in the eloquent eulogy he gave...
Speaking Ill of the Dead
Aug 29, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People who are in the public eye – politicians, athletes, performers – are used to being misrepresented in the press. It comes with the territory. Their lives – and deaths – are under a microscope.Amy Winehouse. Michael Jackson. Heath Ledger. Speculation about the cause of death – and their lifestyles – fueled the tabloids for week. People popped up out of nowhere – childhood classmates, neighbors, former lovers – offering titillating details, though the accuracy was often questionable. It’s hard to sort the truth, and those who knew them best must be incredibly angry, but not surprised.When there is a natural disaster (earthquake, hurricane, tornado) or an act of violence (drive-by shooting, bombing, car accident), the lives of everyday people...
Commemorating 9/11 Isn’t for Everyone
Aug 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I remember when 9/11 happened. I was glued to the TV, watching everything, read everything, trying to understand what had happened. Others watched nothing, read no articles. The 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks is fast approaching. Television will be saturated with reruns of original programming from that day and new retrospectives. Reports on the building of the new Tower One, and the 9/11 Memorial and Museum have already appeared in newspapers. Books are being re-reprinted, and new ones are coming out in time for the anniversary.But not everyone wants to remember.Families, friends, survivors, even those with no connection to the losses of that day may want to ignore the whole thing.For some, it’s dwelling in the past, on...
How Can You Tell Who The Friends Are?
Aug 22, 2011 by Victoria Noe
No gladiolas, please
I remember sitting in the funeral parlor for my uncle’s wake. He’d died in a car accident less than two weeks before Christmas, and we were in shock. There would be no Christmas that year, not really. But first we had to get through the wake and funeral.I sat there with my sister and cousin as the funeral directors brought in the flower deliveries. It soon became apparent – at least to us – who knew my uncle and how well.He and I shared a hatred of gladiolas (and no, you can’t change my opinion on this). They exist only for funerals, in my mind, and depress me just thinking about them. It seemed everyone...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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