Blog
Friendship
Daddy's Friends
Jun 16, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Our dance at my wedding
I’ve written before about my father’s friends. But today is ten years since he died, and I’ve been thinking more about men’s friendships.
I remember those men when I was growing up: loud, sometimes profane, argumentative and fun. I was born in the 50’s; I still call then “Mister”. I never felt comfortable calling them by their first names.
You know how it is with the generation older than you: they’ve always been around and you assume they always will be. But, of course, that’s not true.
Daddy was the first in his group to die, a few weeks before his 77th birthday. I don’t know how much they talked about his illness when I...
I’ve written before about my father’s friends. But today is ten years since he died, and I’ve been thinking more about men’s friendships.
I remember those men when I was growing up: loud, sometimes profane, argumentative and fun. I was born in the 50’s; I still call then “Mister”. I never felt comfortable calling them by their first names.
You know how it is with the generation older than you: they’ve always been around and you assume they always will be. But, of course, that’s not true.
Daddy was the first in his group to die, a few weeks before his 77th birthday. I don’t know how much they talked about his illness when I...
Laurel: A Guest Post by Fred Eberle
Mar 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Lauren Cronin & Fred EberleI’ve known Fred Eberle since 1989, when I was on staff at Chicago House and he was one of my most dedicated volunteers. He is, without a doubt, one of the most talented, generous, thoughtful men I’ve ever known (he's blushing right now, trust me). I’m so pleased that he agreed to share this story of one of the most important friendships of his life.My friend, Laurel was…a force of nature. When she entered a room her energy and charisma filled the space. Laurel Cronin was a brilliant actress and director, and when she was onstage it was hard to watch anyone else. It wasn’t that she intentionally pulled focus; she drew it to her. From the...
Grieving Your Friends on Facebook
Feb 18, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Last week two separate articles caught my eye.The first was the announcement by Facebookthat users could now designate an “executor” to manage your account after you die.I’ve written before about friend grief and Facebook: finding out about a friend’s death, setting up a tribute page, and the shock of seeing a notice of their upcoming birthday. You'll see a few links at the bottom of this post.For years, surviving friends and family members have struggled with what to do about the deceased’s online accounts. Sometimes it’s the challenge of finding the password that no one else knew. Sometimes it’s proving to Facebook that that person died and their page should be archived. In addition, multiple tribute pages can pop up...
Friend Grief and…Valentine’s Day?
Feb 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Good. I got your attention.Valentine’s Day is certainly not a day we associate with friends. It’s one designed to guilt-trip us into spending lots of money on flowers, candy, dinner, lingerie, etc. to share with a romantic partner. Friends? Not so much.I remember when I was younger, that I hated the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. The holidays were all about families, and I was single. The last holiday was the worst, because the expectations were so ridiculously unrealistic. So let’s ignore all the hype and guilt and consider our friends.I don’t know about you, but I found 2014 to be an unusually challenging year. So did a lot of my friends. Relationships, finances, health, or a combination of...
The Story of a Pink Cloud – Guest Blogger Rebecca Bricker
Feb 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Rebecca BrickerMy friendship with Rebecca Bricker is like many of those in the 21st century: online. We met four years ago (time flies when you’re having fun). We’ve never met in real life, though she may meet my daughter soon.The story of how she wound up living in Tuscany is both funny and compelling. No, she’s not the author of Under the Tuscan Sun, but her Tales from Tavanti is every bit as entertaining.If you’re like me, certain things will trigger the memory of a friend who died. For example, whenever I see a steel-grey PT Cruiser, I assume it’s Delle behind the wheel. Rebecca Bricker has a very deliberate ritual to ensure that she’ll remember.My thanks to Rebecca for...
Friend Grief and Shaming
Jan 27, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Nicholas Kristof - NY TimesI’m not sure when it began, this need to feel morally superior. But we see it everywhere. “My beliefs/race/gender/income/profession make me better than you” permeates our society. And sadly, we even see it when we grieve our friends.Perhaps it’s as simple as a need to find a logical explanation for something that doesn’t make sense. Assigning blame makes us feel a little better about what happened. Some of the responses I’ve heard when sharing the news of a friend’s death are:“A bodybuilder? Steroids, huh?”“Melanoma? Did they go to tanning salons a lot?”“Heart attack? Well, they were overweight.”“AIDS? They must’ve slept around.”Your first reaction may be to dispute their assumptions. Or you may feel ashamed that they...
Celebrating Your Friends
Jan 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
There was supposed to be a party today.“I want to make it to 90,” Pierre told me when he was 88. His parents had only lived to their 70s, but others in his family had lived longer.“We should have a party,” I suggested. He liked that idea. I mean, if you’re going to live that long, you deserve a celebration. “You could have dancing girls.”His eyes lit up. He liked that idea, too. We never had a chance to discuss details. Pierre died last January, a short time after his 89th birthday.We don’t always remember our friends on their birthdays. Sometimes we remember them on the day they died. November 22 is the day we remember President John F. Kennedy,...
Friend Grief Without (too much) Guilt
Dec 11, 2014 by Victoria Noe
There are different kinds of guilt. There’s the guilt we feel for saying or doing something that hurt someone else. And there’s the guilt we feel for not saying or doing something.About a month ago, I acted on a whim. It was something I’d thought about doing for a while, but hadn’t done. What possessed me, I have no idea.During college I lost touch with the guy I took to prom junior year. We did a couple musicals together, and he also came with me to my senior Christmas dance. We had fun together (not to mention my first kiss). Dan was often overshadowed by his popular older brother, a very talented actor and pianist. But I think one of...
"All My Friends Are Dead"
Dec 04, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Pierre on "Combat"Growing up in the 60s, I was, along with my friends, definitely anti-war. I knew guys who served in Vietnam – two who died – but I didn’t agree with the war. It seemed odd to many that one of our favorite TV shows was Combat! It ran from 1962-67, and featured a squad of American soldiers in France after the D-Day invasion. We watched the show because we thought the actors were cute. And my favorite was Pierre Jalbert.Pierre was my “type”: under six feet tall, dark, lean. The French accent didn’t hurt. It was a great, long-distance fantasy…until we met.The night we metIt’s a long story that I won’t get into, but one night in 1984, I...
Thankful for Our Friends – Here and Gone
Nov 25, 2014 by Victoria Noe
The holidays are a difficult time for those who grieve.Even under normal circumstances, we feel obligated to be happy, to enjoy ourselves, to crave the company of others. But for those who have suffered the loss of a friend, it’s tough to get in the holiday spirit.We often hear that this time of year is for family. I think we all agree that we like to reconnect with friends, as well. I look forward to seeing friends from high school – often the only time all year we can sit together in one place and catch up on our lives. Next year we’ll have a reunion, but since we lost a classmate on 9/11, we don’t wait around for the...
Keeping in Touch with a Friend Who Died
Nov 07, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanI was helping my mother sort through old papers yesterday morning: bank statements, tax returns, paid bills. The shredder simply stopped twice, overheated and tired. On one of its breaks, I picked up two envelopes addressed to her in my handwriting. Puzzled, I opened them both to find copies of emails I had shared with my parents: emails from my friend, Delle Chatman.When I realized what they were, I had to smile. You see, today is eight years since Delle died. I’ve felt her presence on occasion – so strongly at times I’ve heard her voice and once even felt her arms around me. My first thought upon seeing the emails was, “Gee, you’ve been quiet for a while....
The End of the Friend Grief Series?
Oct 29, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Don’t get excited. It’s not happening tomorrow.When I made the decision to serialize what was originally one book I knew it would eventually end. I believed there would be six books in the series. That’s still my assumption. What’s changed is the subject of the sixth one.By now you know that I’ve published four books Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damn Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners Friend Grief and the Military: Band of FriendsThe fifth book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, comes out in January (details will be announced in mid-December).I thought the sixth book...
Where to Find Friend Grief
Oct 17, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Don’t you love autumn? As far as I’m concerned, you can’t have too many sweaters. It feels like everything ramps up in intensity once the school year starts. And so it is with me.Here are some upcoming events where you can find me:Oct. 23 I’ll be leading a chat on Twitter from 7-8pn (EDT) for @DeathwDignity. Look for the hashtag #dwdchat. If you’re n ot already following me on Twitter, you can find me @Victoria_Noe.Oct. 25 If you’re near Rockford, Illinois, I’ll be at the InPrint Book Fair, hosted by the fabulous Rockford group, In Print Writers. Over 30...
An Awkward Response to a Coworker's Death
Oct 03, 2014 by Victoria Noe
I blogged about the famous “Chuckles Bites The Dust” episode on The Mary Tyler Moore Showin 2011. I looked at it in terms of a person’s reaction to a friend’s death, which can sometimes appear inappropriate (like laughing at a funeral).But I decided to return to it as I work on the next book in my series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle.Chuckles, after all, was a clown – or rather, playing a clown was his job. He was – to put it mildly – not taken seriously by his coworkers. So it was not surprising that on hearing of his death, they immediately began to joke about him.Mary was horrified that they made fun of...
Avoiding Grief at Work
Sep 26, 2014 by Victoria Noe
He looked great in a tux, tooI’ve been working hard lately on the next book in my series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. But I struggled to find some validation about the importance of friendships at work.There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence: stories you’ll read in the book. What I wanted was something more objective. Maybe I needed to conduct my own survey, a daunting prospect I was not prepared to seriously consider. So I ignored the issue for a couple days. As luck would have it, just such a survey presented itself yesterday morning.You’ll learn more about the survey results in the book, but one of the obvious truths in it was the evidence that we...
Friends Shut Out on 9/11
Sep 12, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Across from Zuccotti ParkYesterday was the 13th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I've attended the observances in New York twice: the 9th and 10th anniversaries. This year, I attended again. And my, how things have changed.On the two previous occasions I was here on 9/11, there were accommodations for the general public (i.e., anyone not a family member): loudspeakers on Broadway and around the site so the crowds could hear the prayers and names read. On the 10th anniversary, Jumbotrons were set up so we could watch, as well. This year...not so much.As is my habit, I got down the lower Manhattan early, so I could scope out what was going on. I had to keep reminding myself that I...
How Celebrities Grieve Their Friends
Aug 26, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Yes, I know I wasn't going to write about celebrities. But doesn’t it seem like a lot of them have died in the past month or so? James Garner, Sir Richard Attenborough, Lauren Bacall, Robin Williams, Elaine Stritch: all left grieving families and friends, just like non-celebrities – with one glaring difference.Celebrities leave friends behind who are anonymous and others who are also celebrities. And while those live their lives in the glare of the media, that doesn’t mean that they’re capable of grieving gracefully in public. You may be surprised or even critical of them.Remember Paul McCartney? He was roundly criticized for his “It’s a drag” comment the day after John Lennon was murdered.People who hadn’t worked with Robin Williams...
“Oh, That’s Depressing” – Writing about Friend Grief
Aug 05, 2014 by Victoria Noe
I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve told someone what I write about. “Oh, that’s depressing” is certainly the most frequent negative response. Luckily, I don’t hear it too often.I was in New York last week at the Writers Digest Conference. Going to this particular conference in January, 2011, was what really kick-started my writing career. I met people there (and shortly after) who are still trusted advisors and friends. I started tweeting on my way to the conference so I wasn’t the only one there who wasn’t on Twitter. This blog began a week later.Although I haven’t been posting as regularly the past few months, it’s not because I had nothing to say. There were health...
Friend Grief at Work
Jul 22, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Once you’re done with school, the most likely place to meet new people is through your job. And some of them become terrific friends.Maybe you shared an office and worked on a project together.Maybe the two of you were in the same movie.Maybe you were baristas in the same coffee house.Maybe you taught in the same school.Maybe you found yourselves assigned to the same firehouse after graduating from the academy.And then they died.The first four books in the Friend Grief series have included some people who worked together: first responders on 9/11, active duty military, war correspondents and actors. All shared a love of their jobs and a deep affection for their friends. All struggled with the grief of losing...
Grieving Your Friend Onstage
Jul 18, 2014 by Victoria Noe
capitalfringe.orgIt’s hard for people to express their grief in words. While crying may be acceptable in some settings, it’s not easy to find a setting to discuss your grief. And for young people, who have not experienced a lot of loss, it can be doubly hard.A University of Maryland theatre major worked through the loss of three of his friends in the only way he knew how: onstage.Brendan O’Connell lost three of his friends in a drunk-driving accident in the summer of 2011. One had been his best friend for 15 years, next-door neighbors who grew up together.His grief was compounded by the knowledge that he’d begged off riding with them that night. When he returned to college, he was,...
