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Friendship
Friend Grief Has Come A Long Way
Jun 14, 2013 by Victoria Noe
In January, 2011, I was preparing to go to my first writer’s conference, where I would be pitching agents for the first time. Part of my research was something that I used to impress upon people – not just agents – the need for a discussion about grieving a friend. So I Googled “grieving the death of a friend”. I expected to find some references to a mostly academic book on the subject. But as I scrolled through the top 100 listings, I was startled:More than half were for people who hadn’t lost a friend, but wanted to help a friend who was grieving. There were more listings for people grieving the death of a pet than a human...
Talking About Friend Grief at BEA
Jun 07, 2013 by Victoria Noe
publishingtrendsetter.comI recently attended Book Expo America, the largest publishing trade event in the country. It’s exhausting: roaming dozens of aisles filled with hundreds of publishers. They’re there to promote new books, authors, services. It’s crowded and noisy and severely over-caffeinated (despite the presence of only one Starbucks in the whole Jacob Javits Center. And there are lots of free books and other swag to take home. You need comfortable shoes and a rolling suitcase to survive.I was there mainly to get new and upcoming books to review on BroadwayWorld.com. But I was also there to talk to some of my production partners (Kobo, Amazon, etc.) and check out any relevant new titles for my research.When people asked what I write...
Death Ends a Life, Not a Friendship
May 28, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Delle's was grey & mine was blackIt’s no secret to anyone who reads this blog that I have “heard” from my friend, Delle, many times since she died in 2006.The time that has passed since she died is actually longer than the time we knew each other. But I still find myself talking about her in the present tense.I’m not the only person who feels that way. It’s going on seven years since she died, and I still hear her friends say “I think about her every day.” She had that kind of effect on people.Maybe you have a friend who changed your life, and maybe they’re dead. Does that mean your friendship is over? I’ve learned in many ways...
“Now You’re a Soldier”
May 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
The moment came near the end of Which Way is the Front Line From Here? The Life and Times of Tim Hetherington. The HBO documentary, produced by his friend and fellow war correspondent Sebastian Junger, is a fascinating look into the world of embedded journalists. It’s all too obvious why dozens are killed every year.After Hetherington’s death in April, 2011, Junger hears from one of the soldiers they lived with for 13 months in Afghanistan. The soldier tells him that he and Hetherington were accepted by the platoon, thought of (almost) as one of them. But, hoping he didn’t sound callous, the soldier told Junger that because he’d lost his friend, “now you’re a soldier.”The next book in the Friend...
Friend Grief and AIDS
Apr 23, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I always knew that one of the books in the Friend Grief series would address the AIDS epidemic. Like many who lived through those early years, it was something that shaped my life. It was, I believe, close to the experience of being in in a war. At least, that’s how it felt.I wasn’t sure what my focus would be for the book. There are already many incredible books about AIDS and ACT UP and the Names Project and other aspects of that time. But I quickly realized that the role friends played, especially in the early years, was critical.We knew we were needed, that we were depended upon to take up the slack for disapproving families and an indifferent...
Friends in Boston or Elsewhere
Apr 19, 2013 by Victoria Noe
www.espn.go.comLike many people, my plans were derailed Monday by the horrific news coming from the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I don’t know about you, but when a tragedy like this unfolds, I’m glued to the TV. It’s not that I enjoy seeing the shocking images replayed every few minutes. I just want to understand: what’s going on and why. I can’t ignore it, at least not yet.Three are dead and well over 100 injured. So far, at least, I don’t know anyone directly affected. But that’s not a lot of consolation. Most people aren’t directly affected. Except they are.When something unexpected happens, something so jarring, we scramble to explain it. But sometimes answers are slow to...
My Writing Group
Apr 04, 2013 by Victoria Noe
markdivincenzowriter.com In the fall of 2006, a flyer from Swedish Covenant Hospital arrived in the mail. Among the events listed was a class in life story writing. It was just over a year after my father died, and coupled with my being the family genealogist, I decided it was time to start writing down the stories I’d heard all my life.We were a group of about a dozen or so, mostly women, mostly older. The leader was a retired creative writing teacher from Northwestern University. Each week we read something we’d written, and the group critiqued it. I’d not had any of my writing critiqued since college, so it was a little unsettling. And at the time, the idea of writing...
Friend Grief and Anger is Finally Here
Mar 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
After a number of fits and starts – too many to list, but including Mercury in retrograde – I’ve finally released the ebook version of the first book in my Friend Grief series (paperback version coming soon). Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damngrew from a conversation I had with my friend, Delle Chatman, in 2006. We were sitting in Metropolis, the coffee house we frequented, and she was in remission from ovarian cancer. An idea had been bouncing around my head, and though I was nervous, I told her I had an idea for a book to write. She was enthusiastic as always, and I promised her I’d do it.I guess it...
Friend Grief Wants You
Mar 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
gabrielweinberg.comI’m currently researching and interviewing people for books in the Friend Grief series. Many of you have stories about grieving a friend, stories that are important – not just to you, but to others. Your experience can help other people who are struggling with their own grief, often in private because those around them don’t understand.I’m looking for people in the following situations: You’re active duty military or a veteran and a comrade died. You’re a first responder and one of your co-workers died.You live in a religious community (convent, monastery, etc.) and one of your members died.A friend of yours died on 9/11 (you don’t have to be a co-worker or survivor of the attacks). A friend you...
Freaking Out About Your Friends
Feb 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
I admitted recently that I’m a little paranoid about the health of my friends. Okay, more than a little. Three death notices in a week’s time will do that to you. So when I hear comments like… “She called the doctor; something’s wrong and she’s not sure what.”“He’s not eating.”“She’s been coughing for weeks.”“They’re running more tests.”…I can feel my body tense up.Maybe you have a friend whose health is shaky. Maybe they drink too much, or use drugs. Maybe they’re so busy taking care of their families than they neglect their own needs. Maybe they’re healthy as a horse, but something strange has happened.No one wants to hear a lecture about their health. “Stubborn, not incompetent” is the...
Going to a Friend’s Wake – Having Fun Yet?
Feb 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
A dear friend of mine died Saturday morning, from lung disease and complications from the flu. She was one of the first people I met when I moved to Chicago in the late 1970’s, and we worked in the theatre community. Mary Ellen was larger than life. She did nothing halfway and rarely hesitated to express her opinion. She was a teacher, director, collaborator, consultant and all-around creative genius. My memories of her are random:Finding her at a fundraiser, deep in conversation with Peter Ustinov.Coordinating the table decorations for my wedding reception.Helping her with a garage sale after her mother died.Getting really drunk one night after work and finding ourselves at a meeting of the Chicago Art Deco...
Another Birthday on Friend Grief
Feb 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Two years ago today, I started this blog. It was one week after I attended my first writing conference. I had an idea for a book, had conducted a few interviews, done some serious research, but I wanted to know if anyone else thought I was doing something that would make a good book.I found out that there were a lot of people who thought I was onto something. And they encouraged me to not wait until the book was finished: start a blog. Now.So I decided to begin a conversation with you. At that time, if you Googled “grieving the death of a friend”, you’d be directed to more sites dealing with the death of a pet...
What Do You Miss the Most?
Jan 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When you think about a friend who has died, what do you miss the most? Maybe you went to school together, and you miss passing notes in class.Maybe you worked together, and you miss getting to know each other over shared projects.Maybe you were neighbors, and you miss knowing they were right there next door, a safety net and comforting presence.Maybe you traveled together, and you miss exploring, getting lost and having adventures only the two of you could possibly appreciate.Maybe you only knew them online, and they died before you had the chance to meet them face to face.Maybe you hadn’t seen them in years – decades, even – and wonder now why you didn’t make the effort...
How Long Should You Grieve Your Friend?
Jan 08, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Sometime last year I was on my parish Yahoo group. I mentioned my friend, Delle Chatman, whose encouragement led me to begin writing about grieving the death of a friend. One of the women on the group posted: “I think about her every day.”When she typed this, it had been five years since Delle died.“I think about her every day” doesn’t mean she thinks about her in a sad way, of course. It might mean that she simply walks by Delle’s apartment building, or sees a gun-metal grey PT Cruiser like the one Delle used to drive. Something triggers a memory.There are times when I walk into the coffee house we used to frequent and even now, six years...
The Luxury of Grief
Dec 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
“You have to get over it.”“It’s time to move on.”“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”I’d like to call for an immediate, international ban on all of the above.Grieving your friends is hard enough. A lot of people – even those closest to you – just don’t get the depths of your sadness. While they may cut you some slack if you lost a family member, the death of a friend doesn’t usually inspire a lot of compassion.You may even agree with those pious words of “support”. You may convince yourself that you’re too busy to grieve, especially during the holidays when our busy lives get even busier.Denying yourself the time to grieve is an invitation for complications down the...
Getting Through The Holidays After Your Friend Dies
Nov 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I hated the holidays – Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day – when I was single and not dating. I felt like it was the annual reminder from the universe that I was alone. Everyone had someone during the holidays except me. At least that’s what it felt like.It’s hard to lose a friend, whether they were our best friend, a co-worker, a neighbor, the girl whose locker was next to ours. The holidays are hard after you’ve lost a family member. But what about for those of us who have lost a friend?I’ve been reading articles about coping with grief during this festive time of year. Without exception, they focused on grieving a family member. Nothing wrong with that. I’ve had...
Setting Up A Facebook Tribute Page for Your Friend
Nov 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Families have an advantage when someone dies. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But it’s true.They have legal rights. Society views them as the primary mourners. Most people will take their cues from the family, as far as appropriate ways to mourn.But what about you? What about the friends?Social media – Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn – are part of our lives. Some people are more invested in it than others, for social and/or business reasons. But it affects most of us in some way.So it stands to reason that the subject of expressing our grief online would be a topic of discussion and controversy: Should a death be announced online? That debate has been brewing for a while and won’t go...
Should You Tweet a Friend’s Funeral?
Nov 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
TwitterIn the interest of full disclosure, I have texted from a funeral. I sat by myself in the last pew, at least five rows away from anyone else. I was texting my girlfriend two states away who couldn’t attend. I figured if I didn’t disturb anyone and God didn’t strike me dead, my good intentions were sufficient to justify my behavior.But I have to admit that when I read Matthew Ingram’s article What I Learned While Live-Tweeting a Friend’s Funeral on Gigaom.com that it gave me pause.Ingram felt that live-tweeting was a tribute to his friend, a long-time user of Twitter who was interested in social technology. He also felt it fit his friend’s sense of humor, and the family...
Big Changes for Friend Grief
Oct 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
UPDATE - 11/1/12HURRICANE SANDY-RELATED DELAY FOR E-BOOK LAUNCH. DON'T WORRY - IT'S COMING!If I’ve seemed quiet lately, there’s a reason. I’ve been attending a conference and doing research, which took a lot of time. But November will be a big month for Friend Grief.On November 2, the first in a series of small books on the topic of grieving your friends will be released. Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives a Damnwill expand on a few earlier blog posts on anger. It will be available on all e-book platforms, and the links will be posted here as soon as they’re available. For my followers in the UK, Canada and Australia, you’ll be able to...
A Look at “Love is the Cure”
Oct 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
From the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous:8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.If you or someone close to you has been in a 12-step program, you’re familiar with steps 8 and 9. Singer/songwriter/philanthropist Elton John’s new book, Love is the Cure, documents his climb out of addiction and how he continues to make amends, most importantly through his AIDS charity.If you’re a fan of his, like me, you probably wonder how he managed to come out of the 80’s alive and healthy. So does he.Honestly, the book was a surprise...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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