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Friendship
"How to Survive a Plague"
Oct 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Art by Keith HaringThere’s a moment near the end of How to Survive a Plague, the powerful new documentary about the AIDS epidemic, and specifically, the role of ACT-UP in changing the way drugs are tested and made available in the US.There’s a contentious meeting of ACT-UP New York going on, and playwright/activist Larry Kramer is shown, his face tightening in frustration. Finally he explodes: “Plague! We’re living in a plague! Listen to yourselves!”Living through the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic was like living in a plague, or in a war, because it was both: a health crisis that became a desperate war to save lives.The truly remarkable thing to me about this film is that it exists at all....
Friend Grief as Pinball Game
Sep 27, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Most people are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s famous stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She herself acknowledged that those who are dying (the original study members) and their survivors may not follow these stages in exact order. But as time has passed since her 1969 book On Death and Dying, society has adopted these five stages as gospel. They’ve been co-opted to explain the feelings of fans after their favorite sports team is eliminated from post-season play, or a TV show is cancelled. It’s only recently that the medical community has questioned those stages.From my own experience, I’d say they’re pretty accurate. But grief – mine included - is rarely neat and linear.Baylor University’s press release...
A Final Gathering of Friends
Sep 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
northwoodscottage.comYesterday’s Chicago Tribune carried a beautiful story by Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reporter Meg Kissinger. She introduced us to Dick Rothing, who at the age of 55, received a shocking, unexpected diagnosis of metastatic esophageal cancer.He knew he wanted to go home. Home is his family’s compound, “R-Place”, on Little St. Germain Lake in Wisconsin, a part of his life since 1957.His sister and sister-in-law drove him from Montana for a last visit. His grade school friends joined him in June, and a few days later, Rothing returned to Montana. But not for long.A few weeks later, he came back to R-Place for good. This time his best friend since kindergarten brought his son, for a father-son fishing expedition with Rothing,...
Sharing Delle with StoryCorps
Aug 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Delle ChatmanIf you listen to NPR, you’re probably familiar with StoryCorps. They provide the audio recordings of ordinary people talking about their lives: sometimes about a person, sometimes an event. They’re in Chicago right now and I made an appointment to talk about my friend, Delle Chatman.I knew I’d have plenty to talk about, but I brought a few things with me, along with a list to jog my memory. I had a weekly bulletin from St. Gertrude’s with her picture on the front; her obituary, written by her brother, Gregory; a mailing from 30 Good Minutes, a local PBS program about religion where she frequently appeared; the note she wrote in the hospital announcing that the cancer was back...
“Passing” by Jeanne Veillette Bowerman
Aug 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeanne Veillette BowermanJeanne Veillette Bowerman is another one of my original Stecchino’s gang, along with Karl Spragueand George Davis. She’s a fabulous screenwriter and teacher (yes, you are). If you don’t follow her blog, Ramblings of a Recovered Insecureaholic, you’re missing something. She has a lot to say, and she says it better than most of us ever will. Not long ago, Jeanne tweeted that her best friend had died suddenly. And true to form, she has written about her friendship. “It’s how I heal,” she said on Facebook, after I shared her post.There are people who come into our lives for a very specific reason. It’s as if they were angels sent on a mission, and when they’ve accomplished...
Online Support for Grieving Your Friend
Aug 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A couple years ago I researched online grief support groups for those who have lost a friend. It was not a fruitful search.Many sites – and they’re wonderful, don’t get me wrong – are specific to certain situations. There are online support groups for grieving a parent, sibling, spouse, child, pet. Some are general grief sites that have chat rooms for specific types of grief. There are sites for those who grieve a family member who died on 9/11 or committed suicide.There are online groups that are more general, concentrating on the commonalities of our grief. And like I said, they’re very good.I made a conscious decision when I started Friend Grief that it would not be an online grief...
Friend Grief in 140 Characters (2 of 2)
Aug 03, 2012 by Victoria Noe
twitter.com“Have you ever seen a funeral procession go past and felt the urge to shout abuse? Perhaps something mild such as ‘I’ve never heard of him!’ or ‘He was rubbish!’. No, me either. In June, Shane Richmond, Head of (Editorial) Technology for The Telegraph, called for civility on Twitter when it comes to grieving. We may not hear about a close friend’s death on Twitter, but if we spend any time in the Twitterverse we’ll definitely see breaking news about the death of someone in the public eye: Amy Winehouse, Gore Vidal, Adam Yauch, Nora Ephron: we probably never met them, and may not have known their work. But the news went out on Twitter for the world to see.I’m...
At a Loss for Words (For Once)
Jul 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ehow.comLet’s say someone you know is grieving a friend’s death. Let’s say you didn’t know their friend, but you know they were close.And let’s say you want to be supportive in their time of grief.Where do you start?If you’re like many people – maybe even most people – you may find yourself at a loss for words. I’ve seen people who normally talk a mile a minute be absolutely tongue-tied at the thought of supporting someone who’s grieving.They might mumble, “I’m sorry for your loss.” And then what?If you ask people who grieve, they will tell you how much they value the support of others. When it’s a friend who has died, rather than a family member, they...
Reprise: "The Melody of Friendship"
Jul 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Kathleen PoolerI thought this would be a great time to revisit memoirist Kathleen Pooler's post from early 2011 about her friend, Judy. I'm sure her experience will remind you of friends in your life:When I read Viki’s post, “Do You Need Any Help?”, I immediately thought of my best friend, Judy, who died of breast cancer in 1993 after a five year battle. Viki invited me to do a guest post on what it is like to lose a dear friend. Let me tell you about Judy…Where do I begin to describe a friendship of twenty years; a friendship that endured life’s many tough lessons and trials? The diagnosis of cancer, the rigors of single parenting, the challenges of living in...
Counting the Missing: High School Reunions
Jul 12, 2012 by Victoria Noe
whatwoulddadsay.comIt’s that time of year for high school reunions. Maybe you’ve been invited to one this summer. Maybe, like me, you’re in between reunions.Some people are afraid to go, afraid to face the people they knew so long ago. They obsess about their weight, their jobs, their accomplishments, and often wind up talking themselves out of going. Others have only bad memories and are left with no desire to make new ones. Some look forward to the opportunity to reconnect, take stock, and, let’s admit it, brag.Sometime after the 20th, when most people are focused on bragging, the mood shifts. We spend less time talking about ourselves, and more time catching up with people we only seem to see at...
“I Pray That I Am The Last”
Jul 10, 2012 by Victoria Noe
When a friend dies, many of us struggle with a question: How can I make sure they’re not forgotten? Not everyone is a celebrity, whose artistic creations or legislative record or exploits on the field of battle will be recounted in history books and HBO specials.Most of the time when a friend dies, they’re just ordinary people, like us. In a world of billions, their uniqueness can be forgotten.Twenty-five years ago, San Francisco recorded its 1,000th death from AIDS. As part of the annual candlelight march commemorating the assassinations of George Moscone and Harvey Milk, marchers were asked to make signs, each with the name of someone they knew who had died of AIDS.Remember, this was a time of...
Remembering Friends: “Creativity and Crisis” - Day 1
Jul 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I arrived in Washington, DC late Thursday afternoon, behind schedule. But I still managed to take a cursory tour of the National Mall, where the Smithsonian Folkways Festival is in full swing.It’s no cooler here than anywhere else in the US right now, but the triple-digit heat didn’t stop people from strolling the Mall, although I assume the crowd was smaller than anticipated.One of three themes in the Festival is “Creativity and Crisis”, the arts community response to the AIDS epidemic. Tomorrow I’ll be attending a number of performances and presentations by artists from around the world, and will report on it hereI went to one of the tents to check the list of names. Because of the size of...
Changing Your Focus After Losing a Friend
Jun 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
You probably went through – or are going through – a very dark period of time after your friend died. Maybe you felt guilt or regret or rage or just a heavy, heavy sadness.For some people a light bulb goes off.You can call it a wake-up call, a sign from God, a slap in the face. But sometimes it takes the death of a friend to get you moving in a different direction.It seems to happen most when the friend is your age or younger. You see the lost potential of their life, and it makes you look at yours: potential and life.You may have been vaguely restless before all this happened. You may have been quite content with...
Little Ways to Remember Your Friend
Jun 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Some of the people profiled here in Friend Grief have done big, impressive things after their friend died. Maybe they founded a charity or made big changes in their own lives. Not everyone can do something big and expensive. Not everyone wants to. And often, it’s the little things that count.Here are a few ideas of things you can do to remember your friend: -Visit their grave, or have flowers sent there on a day that was special only to the two of you.-If a memorial Facebook page was set up for them, post a comment, just to say you’re thinking about them.-Play a song that reminds you of them.-Go someplace you used to go together. Don’t be surprised...
How Do You Honor Your Friend?
Jun 22, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ehow.comFor the next few posts, I’m going to look at the ways some people have honored a friend who has died. In many ways, this blog is a way for me to honor a friend. Before she died, I promised my friend, Delle Chatman, that I’d write a book about what people go through when their friends die. She was enthusiastic and supportive, as always. It took almost 3 years to finally get going, but later this summer, I’ll be self-publishing a small e-book, My Best Friend Died and No One Gives a Damn. The bigger book is still in progress, though it’s getting close. She’s taken over my life, changing my career path in a very unexpected way....
Life, Loss and Legacy: Guest Post by Tracey Carruthers
Jun 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Tracey CarruthersI met Tracey in October, 2006, when she came to Chicago to move in with our friend, Delle Chatman. Her devotion to making Delle’s last days as meaningful and peaceful as possible was inspiring (if sometimes annoying when I was feeling most selfish). Her reflection on those days is longer than my typical posts, but worth every word. I'm grateful that she was there for Delle and has shared her experience with us all: Thought doesn’t get much more personal and unclear than during a time of loss. In a way, in the matter of how we feel and how we deal with our feelings, it really doesn’t matter what the loss is; a job, a bet, a game,...
"Tell Me About Your Friend"
Jun 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
stecchinonyc.comThis is something I shared when I first started this blog early last year. The conference is long over, and we've made a triumphant return visit to Stecchino's since then. But the advice remains solid, especially when it comes to men grieving their friends:We were having dinner at Stecchino’s on 9th Avenue in New York, a lively group of eight who were attending the Writer’s Digest Conference. With the agent Pitch Slam behind us, the tension of the past two days was finally wearing off, aided by wine, laughter and crab cakes.I don’t remember what we were talking about. But suddenly George turned to me and said very matter-of-factly, “my best friend died at 29. It changed...
What Else Do You Grieve When You Grieve Your Friend?
Jun 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
On Friday, we looked at what you grieve when your friend dies: the regrets that revolve around their actual death. Today, I’d like to shift the focus just a bit to answer the question a different way. Because when you grieve the death of your friend, you’re also grieving a part of you.Friends come into our lives at different times: the first day of school or a new job, in a play group or on a sports team.I think it’s safe to say that Shakespeare was right when he insisted that “all the world’s a stage, the men and women merely players”. We may not consider ourselves actors, but we are different people at different times in our lives.I...
What Do You Grieve When You Grieve Your Friend?
Jun 08, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Serenading people on line in Central ParkThat was not a stupid question.The simplest, most basic answer is that you grieve that they are physically gone from this world. Whether you believe in heaven or reincarnation or another consciousness after death, you still mourn their loss.But what else do you grieve?Maybe you found out about their death much later, so you missed the funeral. Maybe you two weren’t speaking, and so were never able to settle your differences and part one last time as friends.Maybe you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.Maybe you never told them you loved them.Maybe you were too embarrassed to tell them how they changed your life.Maybe you didn’t get a chance to help them when...
Coming Attractions on Friend Grief
Jun 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I’m in New York this week, for Book Expo America and to meet some writing deadlines that have been hanging over my head. I thought this is a good time to let you know what’s coming up in the next few months here on Friend Grief:1. Guests. I’m quite excited that you’ll be seeing a guest blogger once a month. Men and women, their ages will vary, as will their perspectives. One was a caregiver to her friend, another is a grief professional. Yet another will offer a new take on the AIDS epidemic. All are excellent writers. What they share is the experience of grieving the death of a friend.2. Book reviews. More than one person has pronounced my...
