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Friendship
Grieving Online Friends
May 30, 2012 by Victoria Noe
socialmedialedger.comLast week I asked if friends we know only online are worth grieving. And I learned something very interesting. I already knew it was true for me, but as it turns out, it was true for a lot of people.People may be in our lives for specific reasons: other moms in the play group, or the guys on the softball team, or the others suffering through a 7:45am algebra class. The friendships we make there may only last as long as those shared activities or interests. A few may endure.Shared purpose draws us to people online as well. We gravitate to like-minded people, whether they agree with our political views, passion for baseball teams, or other common interests. They fill...
Are “Virtual” Friends Worth Grieving?
May 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Do you know your relatives? I don’t mean the ones you’re in close contact with, like immediate family. I mean all of the people you know you’re related to, even the ones you only see at weddings and funerals: the ones whose opening line is always “you don’t remember me, do you?”You probably do, even if you haven’t seen them face to face in decades.Same with friends: some you see or talk to every day, others you only see every 10 years at class reunions. My point is that you’ve seen them, met them face-to-face. That’s how you became friends in the first place.But our lives are different now. We have “virtual” friends, people who may live on the...
Calling All Girlfriends!
May 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
vintagesusie&wings.comI started out writing my book believing I knew one thing for sure: I’d have no trouble finding women to talk about grieving a friend.And that was true. But, as I’ve written here before, the men surprised me with their willingness not just to talk: sometimes they offered to talk, unsolicited. As a result, I currently have an imbalance of male/female stories in my book.Now I’m looking for more women to interview. I’m particularly looking for women who have grieved a friend (male or female) with the following special circumstances: You’re a member of a religious community You’re a first responder or militaryYou channeled your grief into action by supporting a cause that either helped your friend or was otherwise...
Have You Lost a Best Friend?
May 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Dr. Karen Gail LewisI’ve been clear that Friend Grief is a place for those who have grieved the death of a friend to find others who have ‘been there, done that’. It’s helpful, but it’s not meant to be a therapy session (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Sometimes all you need to help you get through this kind of grief is the knowledge that you are not alone.Dr. Beth EricksonBut there are times when you would benefit from talking to a professional. So I’m pleased to let you know about a teleseminar being held tomorrow (May 10) on the topic of losing a best friend:Maybe your friend is still very much alive, but for whatever reason, you’re estranged....
"Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake"
May 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I was fortunate to be in the audience for the Chicago Tribune’s sold out Printers Row Live event on Friday evening, a conversation with author Anna Quindlen. Her new book, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake, is a thoroughly enjoyable reflection as she reaches a milestone birthday this summer: sixty.In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been a fan of Quindlen’s for many years, and not just because we share a birthday. Her writings have spoken to a generation of women whose lives were defined by choices our mothers never enjoyed: choices that complicated as well as simplified our lives.In her latest book, Quindlen takes time to pause, to look at where she’s come from and where she’s...
"Love is in the Details"
May 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
E. Jason Wambsgans, Chicasgo TribuneThe front page of the Chicago Tribune is generally reserved for hard news. And stories that begin “above the fold” are typically national or international in nature. But the story that began just under the masthead on Thursday, with a series of three photos, was very local. You could say it’s a little story. It has no earth-shattering implications for the economy or national security. It’s a story of friendship and loss, and the friends left behind.A year ago yesterday, Justyna Palka, an art director at Ogilvy & Mather, was struck and killed by a tour bus as she crossed a busy intersection in downtown Chicago. The bus driver has an extensive criminal record. He...
Carpe Diem
Apr 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Sayan Sarkar“Why do we wait until it’s time to bring in Make-a-Wish to go after our dreams?”I’m paraphrasing a friend’s question on her Facebook page last week. The short answer is…because we’re human. Despite that fact, we also believe we have unlimited time ahead of us.A lot of people realize this – for good – when they reach middle age. It’s not so much the passing of their parents – they’re older and it’s “expected”. It’s the deaths of their friends that shock them into action.Sayan Sarkar is President and CEO of InvigorateNOW. He’s a young man with a winning smile. He recently wrote an article for Huffington Post, “How Grief Can Be An Impetus For Change”.He wrote of his...
What To Do With Survivor Guilt
Apr 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Old friends on the park bench“I had no idea he was so unhappy.”That’s a line from The Big Chill, when Alex’s friends are trying to make sense of his suicide. But it was echoed in a phone interview I did this morning.We had spoken earlier in the week, about one of his friends who died a long time ago. But today we talked about two other friends who died since then. A group of them had spent the weekend at a reunion, and from all accounts, had a great time. So it came as a complete shock when two weeks later, one of them committed suicide.“I had no idea he was so troubled,” was the observation. The friend had a...
Worrying About Your Friends
Apr 16, 2012 by Victoria Noe
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of finding out about the deaths of friends. It’s not that I was close to all of them, but they were still a part of my life at some time. So I decided to revisit this post from last spring, because it’s still true.At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s hit Hill Street Blues, Phil would always remind his comrades “let’s be careful out there.”They were cops. They knew every day could be their last.Not everyone lives that consciously, certainly not when they’re younger.But the truth of the matter is, the world is a dangerous place. Stuff happens, no matter where you live.We can eat healthy foods,...
Don’t Ask…Do Tell
Apr 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
freepresshouston.comLast week I posed a couple of questions: If a friend of yours had a terminal illness, would you want to know? If you had a terminal illness, would you want your friends to know?I got some interesting feedback – both privately and on my Facebook page.For the exact same reasons, the consensus was:“I’d definitely want my friends to tell me. But I wouldn’t tell my friends.”I wasn’t terribly surprised that people feel that way. Often we expect others to do things we ourselves are reluctant to do.But…This isn’t expecting someone to bail us out of jail or share their psych notes. This is about sharing something so serious that anything else pales in comparison (with the possible exception of...
Blindsided by a Friend's Diagnosis
Apr 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A lot of presentations at the recent ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) Conference had to do with end-of-life issues. One of those issues is notification: who is told about a patient’s diagnosis? How are their relationships affected by the news of impending death? I thought I’d revisit this post about how it feels to be blindsided, because you weren’t told your friend was dying. What would you do if you were in their place?We’ve all done it, unconsciously, and with no malice intended.Perhaps our friend tells us that they’re dying. Perhaps we hear the news elsewhere, and then see the person later.But anyone who’s been seriously ill, or is dying, can tell you that they get “The Look”....
It’s Time to Get Angry Again
Apr 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The late, great Keith HaringI attended the “Beyond Disenfranchised: LGBTQ Community Resilience and Healing” session at the ADEC (Association for Death Education) conference last week. It was my last session of the only day I was able to spend there. Much like the lunchtime networking group on Buddhism, something drew me to this.It was clear from the start that there was frustration in the room. Some of it was directed towards ADEC, and how the LGBTQ community’s experiences (particularly in terms of medical directives and emotional support for end-of-life issues) were not being included in the larger discussions. The panelists were on the front lines, both in terms of the LGBTQ community as a whole and HIV/AIDS services (which are...
Carpe Diem
Mar 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
womansday.comI wrote this a year ago, after visiting a friend who was dying, about how grateful I was to have had that opportunity. My husband and I recently visited a friend who’s dying. His partner has been keeping a group of us up to date on their situation, and on a Saturday afternoon, we were able to visit them. We weren’t alone; two other friends had flown into Chicago from Dallas and Seattle.Our friend looks awful (so does his partner), but for a few minutes, the old energy and sense of humor were back. We all had a lovely visit, though brief.Yes, it was uncomfortable, and yes, it was undeniably sad.But what a gift it was, too.The gift was not...
When Your Pain is Self-Inflicted
Mar 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Christopher MeeksAs we grow older, we lose more friends. It’s just the way it is. Call it “life”; “the law of averages”. Maybe you just think of it as “shit happens”.Author Christopher Meeks wrote on HuffPost50 about the death of his friend, Andy LaMarca. He begins by recounting Shakespeare’s “seven ages of man” from As You Like It.“There’s a stage that Shakespeare didn’t define, but it’s the decade where everyone you love starts dying.”It’s humbling and infuriating and too damn sad for words sometimes. “There is no answer to ‘is it fair?’” he says. “It just is.”As I’ve written here before, life has a way of detouring us, despite our best intentions. We get complacent (a nice euphemism for ‘lazy’)....
Reminders of Your Friends
Mar 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
It's just stuff, right?Since I wrote this post last year, I've paid a little more attention to "stuff": this despite the fact that I'm at an age where I'd dearly love to get rid of a lot of "stuff".But these are things that remind me of friends who have died. Most often, they're photos, but sometimes they're gifts I received from them, or souvenirs from a night on the town. One is a note she wrote in high school. I can't help but think of them when I see and touch those things.Maybe this will remind you of something you have that reminds you of your friend:This is a picture of a scarf that belonged to my friend, Delle....
Helping A Friend Who's Grieving A Friend
Mar 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
hugs-guides.blogspot.com This post was originally titled "Do You Need Any Help?" It's what most people say when told someone has died. But that question is normally directed to the family, not the friends.Chances are, when your friend died the only response you got was "that's too bad". You probably weren't asked if you needed help, or even how you were coping. If you know someone who's lost a friend, reach out to them. Ask them, but try to be specific about what you're offering. Better yet, just offer to listen.When someone dies, most people have good intentions. They want to mourn, they want to remember. And they want to help those who are grieving themselves.Often, when you grieve the death...
Friend Grief When a Colleague Dies
Feb 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeff Zaslow and The Girls from AmesIn the course of your working life, you will have worked with hundreds, maybe thousands of people.Co-workers may play in the same band, or share a claustrophobic cubicle. They may work on a project together, or just pass by in the hallway. They may share living quarters, like firefighters or monks. They may work together for weeks or months or years.Not all co-workers are friends: many are rivals. But often shared experiences, born from impossible deadlines or the excitement of creating something special, forge lifelong friendships.Several people I’ve interviewed for my book have talked about their grief at losing a colleague. Others are talking about it this week, with news of the deaths of...
Trying to Avoid Friend Grief? Good Luck with That
Feb 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A rose for each classmate who diedFirst of all, right off the bat, I’m going to say you can’t avoid friend grief. You can’t avoid grieving when a friend dies. But bear with me and read on.We grieve our friends because we love them. We grieve for anything we’ve lost: hair, energy, good looks, high metabolism, our first car. Why wouldn’t we grieve for friends?When someone is a part of your life – or was a part of your life – and they’re gone, there is a noticeable hole. Your life is now incomplete. That part of your life existed in part because of that friend. Your witness is gone.What if I hadn’t had the courage to strike up conversations...
“We’re at That Age” – Well, That Sucks
Feb 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Anytime my husband and I discuss a friend’s health issues – or sudden death – I can count on him to say, “we’re at that age”. It’s meant to explain away whatever’s happening, as if it were the only possible reason.Of course, to some extent that’s true. One of the downsides of growing older is that we lose a lot of people we love. We expect our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles to die; after all, they’re a generation older than we are.But when people our own age – not to mention those younger – die, it’s a double loss. Because when our friends die, we lose a little of ourselves, too.I’ve spent the past couple weeks dealing with loss...
“We Didn’t Lose a Person…We Absorbed Him”
Feb 10, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Photo by Carlos IamaguaOne of the reactions we have after the death of a friend is fear: fear that they will be forgotten. People who have made a name for themselves in their chosen professions will likely be remembered in some way. But normal folks – the 99%, if you will – do not have buildings or highways named after them. They don’t leave works of art that will live forever. They’re just…normal folks.So when faced with these truths, what’s a friend to do? You donate money to their favorite charity. You wear a t-shirt with their picture on it. You have Mass offered on their birthday. You make a point to stay in touch with their family. You name...
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