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grieving styles
Calling All Girlfriends!
May 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
vintagesusie&wings.comI started out writing my book believing I knew one thing for sure: I’d have no trouble finding women to talk about grieving a friend.And that was true. But, as I’ve written here before, the men surprised me with their willingness not just to talk: sometimes they offered to talk, unsolicited. As a result, I currently have an imbalance of male/female stories in my book.Now I’m looking for more women to interview. I’m particularly looking for women who have grieved a friend (male or female) with the following special circumstances: You’re a member of a religious community You’re a first responder or militaryYou channeled your grief into action by supporting a cause that either helped your friend or was otherwise...
What To Do With Survivor Guilt
Apr 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Old friends on the park bench“I had no idea he was so unhappy.”That’s a line from The Big Chill, when Alex’s friends are trying to make sense of his suicide. But it was echoed in a phone interview I did this morning.We had spoken earlier in the week, about one of his friends who died a long time ago. But today we talked about two other friends who died since then. A group of them had spent the weekend at a reunion, and from all accounts, had a great time. So it came as a complete shock when two weeks later, one of them committed suicide.“I had no idea he was so troubled,” was the observation. The friend had a...
Of Course I’m Depressed: My Best Friend Died
Mar 26, 2012 by Victoria Noe
illustrationsof.comFor the past few weeks, the world has weighed in on a debate that could potentially affect us all.The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5 – the Bible of psychiatric disorders – could include grief as a form of severe depression.There is little debate that elements of grief are consistent with mild depression: mood swings, inability to sleep or enjoy normal activities. It can be difficult for seasoned professionals to differentiate between the two.A diagnosis of clinical depression is not something to be taken lightly. And normal grief can spiral into clinical depression. There are already protocols in place to deal with severe depression.But turning normal grief into something that requires therapy and/or medication after two weeks…well, to me that’s going too...
Workplace Grief: IndyCar-Style
Mar 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
radiomichigana.comWhen we hear the term ‘workplace grief’, we probably think of a traditional business setting. Maybe a former employee came back and shot people. Maybe the boss dropped dead of a heart attack. Maybe there was an accident.But people make their livings in a lot of places that aren’t cubicles: baseball diamonds, stages, beaches, movie theatres, day care centers, gyms.Sometimes, by virtual of their professions, people also find themselves in the public eye. Knowing you’re going to – rightly or wrongly – be judged by the media and strangers can reasonably compound your grief for your co-worker.Last October, Dan Wheldon died in a horrific crash at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. British-born Wheldon, the two-time Indianapolis 500 winner, lived in St....
Reminders of Your Friends
Mar 19, 2012 by Victoria Noe
It's just stuff, right?Since I wrote this post last year, I've paid a little more attention to "stuff": this despite the fact that I'm at an age where I'd dearly love to get rid of a lot of "stuff".But these are things that remind me of friends who have died. Most often, they're photos, but sometimes they're gifts I received from them, or souvenirs from a night on the town. One is a note she wrote in high school. I can't help but think of them when I see and touch those things.Maybe this will remind you of something you have that reminds you of your friend:This is a picture of a scarf that belonged to my friend, Delle....
Mars and Venus Grieve Their Friends
Mar 14, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Many books have been written about the differences between men and women, especially regarding relationships. Mostly, they focus on romantic relationships. Some consider friendships: girlfriends and “the guys”. If you asked a group of people if men grieve differently, I’m guessing most would say yes. They’d insist that men work through their grief by doing things: keeping up with familiar routines or running errands for the family of their friend who died.They may insist just as strongly that women talk through their feelings. Men are assumed to not want to verbalize their grief, much less share it.Well, that described my opinion. When I started interviewing people for my book, I approached the men with pre-conceived notions about how they’d respond....
Helping A Friend Who's Grieving A Friend
Mar 07, 2012 by Victoria Noe
hugs-guides.blogspot.com This post was originally titled "Do You Need Any Help?" It's what most people say when told someone has died. But that question is normally directed to the family, not the friends.Chances are, when your friend died the only response you got was "that's too bad". You probably weren't asked if you needed help, or even how you were coping. If you know someone who's lost a friend, reach out to them. Ask them, but try to be specific about what you're offering. Better yet, just offer to listen.When someone dies, most people have good intentions. They want to mourn, they want to remember. And they want to help those who are grieving themselves.Often, when you grieve the death...
Writing about Grief Gets to You, Too
Feb 20, 2012 by Victoria Noe
The "Survivor Tree" at Ground ZeroI’ve had interesting reactions when I tell people I’m writing about the experience of grieving the death of a friend. “Oh…that’s depressing…”I insist they’re – mostly – wrong, and truly, I believe it.But there are times when you want to rush the grieving process along, when it wears on you, when it seems as though it will never end.I’ve found the same thing goes for reading and writing about it. You think it won’t affect you. But it does.One of the hardest – though not the hardest – topic I’ve written about here and in my book is 9/11. It’s not because I knew someone who died that day; I was mistaken in thinking that...
Friend Grief When a Colleague Dies
Feb 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeff Zaslow and The Girls from AmesIn the course of your working life, you will have worked with hundreds, maybe thousands of people.Co-workers may play in the same band, or share a claustrophobic cubicle. They may work on a project together, or just pass by in the hallway. They may share living quarters, like firefighters or monks. They may work together for weeks or months or years.Not all co-workers are friends: many are rivals. But often shared experiences, born from impossible deadlines or the excitement of creating something special, forge lifelong friendships.Several people I’ve interviewed for my book have talked about their grief at losing a colleague. Others are talking about it this week, with news of the deaths of...
Trying to Avoid Friend Grief? Good Luck with That
Feb 15, 2012 by Victoria Noe
A rose for each classmate who diedFirst of all, right off the bat, I’m going to say you can’t avoid friend grief. You can’t avoid grieving when a friend dies. But bear with me and read on.We grieve our friends because we love them. We grieve for anything we’ve lost: hair, energy, good looks, high metabolism, our first car. Why wouldn’t we grieve for friends?When someone is a part of your life – or was a part of your life – and they’re gone, there is a noticeable hole. Your life is now incomplete. That part of your life existed in part because of that friend. Your witness is gone.What if I hadn’t had the courage to strike up conversations...
“We Didn’t Lose a Person…We Absorbed Him”
Feb 10, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Photo by Carlos IamaguaOne of the reactions we have after the death of a friend is fear: fear that they will be forgotten. People who have made a name for themselves in their chosen professions will likely be remembered in some way. But normal folks – the 99%, if you will – do not have buildings or highways named after them. They don’t leave works of art that will live forever. They’re just…normal folks.So when faced with these truths, what’s a friend to do? You donate money to their favorite charity. You wear a t-shirt with their picture on it. You have Mass offered on their birthday. You make a point to stay in touch with their family. You name...
Dying: There’s an App for That
Jan 13, 2012 by Victoria Noe
It had to happen sooner or later. Remember Murder She Wrote and other mystery TV shows and movies? Someone - usually a wealthy, mean, vindictive person - leaves a video for viewing by his/her survivors. There are shocking revelations - perhaps motive for that person’s murderer?Well, Facebook - recognizing how digitally addicted we all are - has a new app: “If I Die”.I love that name: “If I Die” - like we have a choice. JHere’s an article from today’s Chicago Tribune:Facebook "If I Die" AppIt’s a great idea for control freaks (like me). You control what your final Facebook status update will be. You create a video to be posted when (sorry, it’s when not if) you die. Three...
9/11: Are We Done With This Yet?
Jan 11, 2012 by Victoria Noe
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"Around the time of the 10th anniversary of 9/11, several major newspapers - including the Chicago Tribune and New York Times - took a look at the response of the arts communities to 9/11. The results were varied and somewhat disappointing.The authors of the articles wondered aloud why there were no iconic plays - like Rent - or films - like Philadelphia - which addressed the AIDS epidemic. There’s no shortage of documentaries: the building of the World Trade Center, the attacks, the search for bin Laden, the “truth”. But that’s different. Even Paul McCartney’s 9/11-inspired song “Freedom” fell flat. Why?Grief is a complicated thing. For those directly affected by 9/11 - friends and family -...
Too Busy for Coffee, But Not For a Funeral
Jan 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Metropolis Coffee HouseMy hangout since 2003“Enjoy the little things in life for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” - Antonio Smith Lisa Athan has a blog, Grief Speaks (you can also find her on Facebook). She wrote something that really resonated with me. It echoes those New Year’s resolutions we’re all struggling to keep right now.“I do find it fascinating that we, as busy people living such hectic lives, who pride ourselves on multi-tasking, can drop everything to attend a funeral, yet so long as the person is alive, we decline invitations for lunch or coffee because we’re too busy. ‘Perhaps another time,’ we say. We tend to assume that there will always be a...
A 2012 Plan for Grieving Your Friends
Jan 04, 2012 by Victoria Noe
9/11 Remembrance ribbons on the fence at St. Paul's ChapelNew YearClean SlateClear the DecksIf only…I’m not suggesting ignoring your grief. I’m not suggesting pretending you didn’t lose a friend. What I am suggesting is finding a way to channel that grief, finding a way to create something new and positive.One of the feelings most often felt when a friend dies is that we want to be sure they’re not forgotten.So maybe we visit the cemetery, or post on their memorial Facebook page.But how about taking that a step further? How about actively doing something to remember them?Carol Demitz was a classmate of mine. We didn’t travel in the same circles, but we had classes together in our small Catholic girls high...
New Year’s Resolutions…About Friend Grief?
Jan 02, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Today is the second day of 2012. Have you broken any New Year’s resolutions yet?We start the year with such good intentions: lose weight, exercise more, save money, travel. We expect that it will be easy to keep them.Then something happens. We realize just how hard it is to keep those resolutions. We fall off the wagon once, and decide we’ve failed. So we give up. And it’s not February yet. Pathetic, isn’t it?But I would propose that you go ahead and make New Year’s resolutions about friend grief.1. Don’t ignore your grief. It will bite you in the butt when you least expect it.2. Don’t keep your grief bottled up inside. Share it with a therapist, in a group,...
Friend Grief and Closure for 2011
Dec 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In my last blog post of this amazing year, I thought I’d revisit a topic that came up a few months ago. Last May, after the death of Osama bin Laden, I wrote about what I called “the myth of closure”. It’s supposed to be something you aspire to, but it often feels just out of reach: because it may never be possible.“Closure: the sense of finality and coming to terms with an experience, felt or experienced over time.” – Encarta Dictionary“Closure” is a word frequently invoked in grief-related literature. Events are said to bring “closure” to people who grieve: discovery of remains, burial, 1st anniversaries, etc.But the news of the death of Osama bin Laden may only be initially...
Friend Grief and Laughter
Dec 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This post originally appeared last March, about one of my favorite TV series, The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Although something very tragic had happened, the resulting humor is something we can all identify with - for better or worse.Laughing at funerals is generally frowned upon (Irish wakes notwithstanding).People are expected to act a certain way: maybe not grief-stricken, but at least respectful of those who are and the person who has died. You get a lot of dirty looks if you’re the only one laughing.In recent years, there has been a movement to make wakes and funerals and memorial services more of a celebration of life. Laughing – in the context of shared memories – has become appropriate. Considered by...
Why We Miss Our Friends During the Holidays
Dec 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
We are in the final stretch now, before Hanukkah and Christmas. Many of us are running on adrenaline as we race to get everything bought, wrapped, cooked, served, addressed and mailed. We wonder sometimes why we’re making ourselves crazy for festivities that are over so quickly.We do it because…well, we’ve always done it, or we’ve let it get out of control. We do it for our families. We do it for the kids. And possibly, we’ll be able to stop and remember the true meaning of the holidays.Yes, the holidays are about family, no doubt about it. Friends are often pushed aside (family comes first).I remember coming home for Christmas or Thanksgiving and spending more time with my friends than...
No One Expects Their Friends to Die
Dec 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I’m reposting again, a blog entry from last March, originally titled “Let’s Be Careful Out There”.Last night I had dinner with a few of the classmates referred to here. Most of us hadn’t gotten together in over a year, at our last reunion. But thanks to one persistent woman, there were about 20 of us, laughing and catching up. It was, again, as if no time had passed. We noted several who weren’t there: one woman whose mother died a few days ago, another whose husband is ill, still another who has MS. We’re at the age when we get paranoid when someone’s a no-show.So for all our friends, enjoy:At the end of the morning roll call on the 80’s...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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