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grieving styles
Dreading Anniversaries – 9/11
Aug 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
With a month to go before the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, the media is gearing up for what promises to be saturation coverage.Memorial events – some annual, some special for this year – are being announced in New York, Washington, DC, and Pennsylvania.Politicians will invoke the attacks and the bravery of first responders, and try to link themselves to the courage shown on that day.News specials – reruns of documentaries from those early days as well as new programs – are being announced for networks and cable channels.President Obama has declared September 11 to be a National Day of Service, so communities around the country are not only planning commemorations, but activities to focus on positive action.I...
Why I Started Friend Grief
Aug 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I started this blog 6 months ago, so I thought it was a good time to look back and take stock.I’ve learned a lot about the technical joys and frustrations of blogging.I’ve learned a lot about the challenges of trying to stick out in an online world of blogs on every conceivable topic. This is what I wrote in my first post on February 1:Welcome to Friend Grief. It's here to raise awareness of a powerful experience in all of our lives: the death of a friend. Millions of people each year suffer the pain of a friend's death, and many of them suffer more because those around them don't respect their grief. The people who are part of Friend Grief...
One More Thing about Paul McCartney and Friend Grief
Aug 06, 2011 by Victoria Noe
My posts this week, before and after seeing Paul McCartney’s concert at Wrigley Field, have inspired some great conversations.Comments both here and offline have focused mostly on a new appreciation of friendships (not just Paul’s).My friend, Gregory, mentioned that he and his late sister (my friend, Delle) had discussed the stark contrast between the emotions expressed so eloquently in Paul and John’s music and their inability to communicate their love to each other.I suspect that’s not unusual for anyone who expresses themselves in an artistic way: visual artists, writers, songwriters. Actions directed to “the world” or 40,000 people in a stadium are easier than words directed across the table to only one person. The fear of rejection is much greater...
Paul McCartney – Grieving for John and George in Music
Aug 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Last night at Wrigley -Ruthie Hauge - Sun Times MediaOkay, another gratuitous photo of Paul McCartney.At his Wrigley Field concert last night, he did indeed perform the two songs I wrote about yesterday, “Here Today”, dedicated to John Lennon, and “Something”, dedicated to George Harrison.It has been said that men grieve differently. But what I saw onstage was a man who grieved two very different friends in very different ways.“Something” began simply, with Paul singing along to his ukulele accompaniment. But eventually his band joined in for a lush performance. The video screen was filled with images of George and Paul: rehearsing, performing, and goofing around at various moments in their friendship. It was a tribute to George, a love...
My Excuse to Write About Paul McCartney and Friend Grief
Aug 01, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Why I love black tshirts & jeansMy friends probably think I wrote this as a flimsy excuse to post a picture of my favorite Beatle, but that’s only partially true.The media are all over his two concerts here at Wrigley Field (I’m going tonight). “McCartney Mania” has been running on my favorite radio station, playing his music from those ground-breaking Beatles days right through to the present. TV reporters were camped out in front of the ballpark, reporting on the concert and the crowds. Today’s papers ran his play list from last night, and I saw that he continues a tradition he started some time ago: playing a song in honor of each of his late band mates, John Lennon...
Signs from Our Friends
Jul 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People who grieve often watch for signs from their loved one who has died. I’ve had a number of signs from my friend, Delle. She had felt a strong calling to be a priest, an impossibility (at least at this time) in the Catholic Church. A couple years after she died, I went to Christmas mass at Sts. Clare & Francis, an Ecumenical Catholic Communion church in St. Louis. A woman priest was concelebrating the mass, and I couldn’t help but think of Delle, and what she’d been denied. My eyes filled with tears, and then I felt arms around me, as if someone were kneeling behind where I sat. And I heard Delle’s voice in my head saying “it’s...
A Support Group Just for Friends
Jul 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Grief support groups are available in most communities. Some are affiliated with hospitals or hospices. Others are programs offered by religious communities or nonprofit organizations.Most offer an open group for anyone who is grieving. Everyone is welcome, even though they may be experiencing different kinds of losses (such as spouse, child, parent, friend or petBut not everyone is comfortable in a general grief support group. They may be the only one mourning a spouse, or they may feel that others in the group don’t understand that their dog was their only companion. People – rightly or wrongly – make comparisons about the level of grief they experience: “mine is worse than yours”. So specialized support groups were formed.There are groups...
A Birthday Reflection on Friends Lost
Jul 09, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Some occasions make you reminisce and I guess birthdays are one of them. Today’s mine, and I woke up thinking about friends.Some friends come into our lives for a relatively brief amount of time; others for decades. Some friends represent a specific time in our lives; others remind us of who we were way back when.But the one thing all of my friends who have died have in common is that they all left too soon.I remember Carol’s wake. A talented actress, she died after a long battle with breast cancer, and her death was neither peaceful nor a relief. She had deliberately cut herself off from most of her friends: wouldn’t see them in person, barely talked to any...
Should You “Un-Friend” Dead Facebook Friends?
Jul 06, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I don’t do much on LinkedIn, at least not at this point in my life. But I regularly get requests from people I know – and don’t know – to connect. One of them is an old friend of my husband’s…who’s dead.I’m not sure his family knows about the account, as LinkedIn tends to be strictly business-oriented. And I’m not sure how to bring it up. But it’s a little unnerving to see his name pop up now and then.Facebook, I’ve found out, actually has a policy on accounts held by people who have died. Family members can permanently remove a page. They also have the option of converting it to a “memorial” page, which allows friends to continue to...
Social Media Day - Grieving Your Friend Online
Jun 30, 2011 by Victoria Noe
YahooTwitterFacebookMySpaceYouTubeBloggerThe internet has become such a pervasive element in society – and in our lives – that it was inevitable that grief should find its way online.The Yahoo group my high school classmates started after 9/11 is still going strong, though its purpose has changed. My friend, Joe, started a Facebook group to keep friends up to date on the health of his partner, Dennis, who died a few months ago.There are Twitter accounts that exist to inform the world about deaths of celebrities.Blogs and websites are devoted to grief support.Is civilization better off with these resources?As much as I’m tempted to say “no”, I have to say yes. The ability of the internet to connect people not just with...
When Your Best Friend is Your Boss
Jun 27, 2011 by Victoria Noe
We spend a good part – perhaps the majority – of our waking hours at work: shared purpose, shared cubicles, shared snack room. The people we work with become a second family. For some people they may actually serve as a family. Most of the friendships we make last only for the time we’re in the same building. Other friendships may carry over to weekends or vacations. Some few become long-term, deeply important friendships.One such friendship is at the center of a story in today’s Chicago Tribune: “When word spread of Chief Executive James Tyree’s death spread through the 12 floors of Mesirow Financial late on March 16, several dozen employees converged on President Richard Price’s office to console each other....
“Let Us Learn to Show Our Friendship…”
Jun 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
My high school reunion - 2010“Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald I heard that line while watching a rerun of Law & Order: UK, and I thought it was perfect for the topic of grieving the death of a friend.As I’ve interviewed people for my book, there is one subject that raises genuine passion. They’re telling me the story of a friend who has died. Sometimes there is a lot of pain: they were shut out by the family, maybe not even notified; they were not allowed access to their friend while they were dying. Maybe they couldn’t get off work to...
My Dad’s Friends
Jun 17, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In the backyard with DaddyMy parents were part of a group of about 6 couples. All had married around 1949, stayed married, raised their families in the same place they grew up themselves. My Dad met one guy when they were 5 years old; others he met when they worked at a factory. The men were loud and a little goofy at times. Their culinary adventures rarely extended beyond meat and potatoes or Italian food (my Dad was a notable exception to that rule). We’ve celebrated birthdays and anniversaries, weddings and baptisms with them all. With the exception of one couple closer to my age, in my fifties I still refer to them as “Mr. and Mrs.” rather than their...
Don’t Tell Me How to Grieve!
Jun 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
There have been times when my grief has been so overwhelming that I didn’t realize what people were saying to me. I’d nod my head, as if in agreement. I thought if they believed I was agreeing with them, they’d leave me alone. It was only later – hours, days, even months later – that their words began to make sense.My post on Wednesday, “Types of Grievers – Part 4”, really hit a nerve with people. In addition to comments on this blog, I got private emails about the subject of the post. In it, I talked about the worst kind of grieving, when you feel you can’t or shouldn’t grieve the way that makes the most sense to you.“You...
Types of Grievers – Part 4
Jun 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“You need to be strong for...”“You need to move on.”“Why haven’t you cried?”We all grieve in our own way. But the fourth and final type of griever described here is the type no one wants to be. This griever can’t or won’t express their grief the way that feels most natural to them. Generally speaking, in our culture, men are expected to be the strong ones when dealing with grief, and women are expected to willingly express their feelings.Men may feel that any expression of emotion is not “masculine” and should be suppressed. Women may feel that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not crying.Men may feel they should limit their physical contact with others to stiff hugs and...
Objects Speak
Jun 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
This is a picture of a scarf that belonged to my friend, Delle. She had quite a collection of scarves. Tall and vivacious, she wore them with style, unlike those of us who struggle tying them.At the gathering after her funeral mass, those attending received “goodie bags”: a blue paper bag, with her photo on the side, with one of her scarves inside. I remember making my selection very carefully, and choosing this one. I wanted something of her, some piece of her. Its bright blues and reds and purples were familiar to me, and comforting. When I wear it, I say I’m “taking Delle with me.”Delle has traveled with me to Missouri and New York, California and Kentucky. She...
Dying Matters - For Friends, Too
May 17, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I’m in my best friend’s will.She told me long ago what she was leaving me. It has no value to anyone in her family; in fact, she’d prefer they didn’t open the box at all. It’s a personal keepsake of our past, mostly high school.I think it was when I was in St. Louis for her father’s funeral that I told her there was huge flaw in this plan. “You’re assuming you go first,” I told her. After a moment, she agreed that was problematic. (Plus, I really, really, really would like to have that box now.)This week is Dying Matters week in the UK, a time for people to at least begin the difficult conversations we must have but...
Types of Grievers – Part 3
May 13, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Last month I posted about two different types of grievers.Some people channel their grief into action: running errands, organizing, bringing food to the family.Some people are very open with their feelings, talking and crying when they feel the need.Then there are people who do both.I envy them.Those are people who feel comfortable expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable to others. They cry in front of us, not because they expect us to make everything better, but because they need to cry. When they’re not crying – and sometimes even if they are – they keep busy. They organize the gathering after the funeral service, they make sure everyone at the wake signs the condolence book, they sign for flower...
Flashbacks of 9/11
May 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Photo courtesy Taunton Gazette The news earlier this month about the death of Osama bin Laden wasn’t entirely good news.I found that every person I talked to about this – without exception – shared some memory of that day almost 10 years ago.Sometimes it was as innocuous as “so-and-so was supposed to be there for a meeting, remember?”Sometimes it was “we really didn’t understand what was going on” (from my daughter, who was 7 at the time).But sometimes the feelings were raw, as raw as they were that day. The comments were passionate and full of a pain that has not eased, even after all this time.Rather than bring “closure” (that word again), the death of bin Laden stirred...
The Myth of Closure - Part 2
May 05, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Firefighter's PewSt. Paul's Chapel near Ground Zero“I hope it brings some comfort to the families. No closure. That word should be stricken from the English language.” - Lee Ielpi, whose son, Jonathan, a firefighter from Queens, died on 9/11 (quoted in the May 3, 2011 New York Times).Much is made of the concept of closure. We’ve been told that certain things – an anniversary, a verdict, a discovery – can somehow end grief. Closure is considered the act of putting a period at the end of the sentence of grief. Except there’s no such thing. The death of Osama bin Laden has been heralded as closure for those who lost family and friends on 9/11, the end of the grieving....
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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