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grieving styles
Finding the Words to Grieve Your Friend
Dec 08, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Thirty-one years ago today, John Lennon was murdered in front of his apartment building in New York. I love this picture of him: confident in his own skin. “This is who I am, and if you don’t like it (fill in the blank).” Lennon had millions of fans and a lot of friends. Many of them spoke to the media after his death. Some were very eloquent. Paul McCartney was not one of them.Their relationship as members of the Beatles was one of incredible creativity. But their friendship was volatile. They’d been estranged for years after the break-up of the group, and John had made some very critical, very public remarks about Paul’s solo efforts. But in December, 1980, they...
Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost…A Friend?
Nov 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
“Hearts will never become practical until they become unbreakable.” - Wizard of Oz“To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.” - Van HelsingMost people who use the phrase “loved and lost” think of a relationship breaking up. But what if it really meant the death of a friend?Are you better off - even in your grief - for having known your friend?Do you wish you’d never met them, because the pain you feel now is so intense?In other words, is the pain worth it?There are certainly moments - especially when your grief is fresh - when you may think it’s not worth it. But then who would you...
A Death Café?
Nov 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Salon (n.) A periodic gathering of people of social or intellectual distinction.I always wanted to host a salon. I had visions of the Algonquin Round Table and American expatriates in the Paris of the 1920’s. Make no mistake, I’ve had gatherings like that occasionally, with incredibly talented and opinionated friends. But they never happened often enough for my liking.So when I read Kristie West’s blog this week about the second London Death Café, it gave me pause.The concept of the Death Café began in Switzerland, and has spread to London, where Kristie lives. She’s a grief counselor, specializing in helping those who have lost a parent. A Death Café, much like those celebrated salons, is a gathering of people -...
How to Avoid Grieving Your Friend
Nov 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Sometimes it's too lateI’ve been encouraging (a nicer word than “preaching”) visitors here to reach out to their friends and let them know how important they are to you before it’s too late. What’s too late? Too late is when all you can do is regret what you didn’t do or say. And that happens a lot more often than we care to admit.Sometimes the idea begins with a simple thought, “I wonder whatever happened to…” Sometimes a discovery triggers an old, pleasant memory. Both happened to me recently.I was planning yet another trip to New York, and knew I had some unplanned down time while I was there. I called the usual friends I see when I’m there -...
A Question about Friend Grief
Nov 04, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I posed this question on my Facebook page Friend Grief:“What’s the most important thing you learned about yourself when you lost a friend?”We’re here because we’ve experienced the death of a friend. We’ve cried and raged and felt regrets.But what have we learned?Not about death, not even about how those around us have dismissed the impact of our grief.What have you learned about yourself?Have you learned - perhaps too late - how much your friend meant to you?Have you learned your friendships are more important than you ever imagined?Have you learned you are who you are because of your friend?Did their death teach you that you’re stronger than you thought?Maybe you have an answer to one of these questions. Maybe...
Grieving Your Friend in Public
Oct 31, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Your friend died, and you’re grieving. For the most part, that grief is private. But imagine if everyone in town was talking about your friend. Imagine if every time you turned on the TV or radio, or logged onto your computer, someone was talking about your friend.Imagine, too, that upon hearing the news of your friend’s death, you are confronted with members of the media pushing microphones into your face, asking for a comment. How eloquent do you think you might be?In In Other Words: Artists Talk About Life and Work, Anthony DeCurtis recounts an interview with Paul McCartney in 1987. They covered his years with the Beatles (it was the 20th anniversary of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)....
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 3
Oct 21, 2011 by Victoria Noe
In my last post, I brought up the painful situation of not being notified of a friend’s death.As we all know, the stress of grief can affect our memories. Try as we might, things fall through the cracks as we plan for the funeral and deal with the loss of a loved one. It’s embarrassing at times. Personally, I’m on a mission to require name tags at wakes. People you haven’t seen in years walk up and say “you don’t remember me, do you?” On a good day, it’s hard to recognize people you haven’t seen for decades. Being at a wake is probably not a good day. But I digress.Families are usually the ones organizing the funeral events, and...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt. 2
Oct 19, 2011 by Victoria Noe
From the outside looking inI have a friend, a dedicated librarian at a public school for special education kids. When I told her about my book, she said she had a story for me.I sat down with her after school, in the back of her library. She told me the story of a friend of hers. They’d been friends for years, had their ups and downs. But nothing prepared her for finding out about her friend’s death months after it happened. The family knew of their friendship, but hadn’t contacted her. The pain she felt was real: not just the death of the friend, but the missed opportunities to set things right, and to properly mourn.Months later, I received an...
Why Friend Grief is Different - Pt.1
Oct 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
If you have lost a friend - recently or not so recently - you already know. Pick up your local paper on any day, and you will find a section devoted to obituaries. Some are news articles about prominent people in the community or the world at large. Some are standard “death notices” submitted by families through the funeral home.These notices tend to follow a standard format, which includes the surviving family members (sometimes mentioning those who have already died, particularly a spouse). They may list names, or just note the numbers of surviving grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They may list the deceased’s alma mater, career, places they lived, hobbies and charitable causes near and dear to their heart. What they...
Friend Grief and Anger
Sep 29, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never more than when you’re grieving. There’s a long list of people we can be angry with:The person who died: why didn’t they take better care of themselves? Why did they take such a stupid chance? What were they thinking?The medical community: why didn’t the doctor force them to take better care of their health? Why didn’t the paramedics get there sooner? Why hasn’t someone discovered a cure for cancer, etc.?God: why did you make a good person suffer? Why did you leave those children without a parent?...
Waiting for a Friend’s Funeral
Sep 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
One of the stark realities of being the friend of someone who has died is that you’re not in charge.When a family member dies, one or more relatives are designated to carry out specific tasks. They may simply follow the wishes of the deceased, or may be forced to make choices about everything from burial clothes to readings.They may ask friends of their loved one to participate, typically as a pallbearer. Friends may be asked to give a eulogy or share photos for a display at the funeral home.Typically, friends are simply expected to support the family, whose grief is assumed to be more important. They have no decision-making power.Because of that lack of control and lack of participation -...
The Buddhists and the Brits Commemorate 9/11
Sep 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Bagpipers and Pipe & Drum Corpsat the British GardensWhen most people think of 9/11 observances, they think first of New York, then Washington, then Pennsylvania. They think in terms of Americans remembering the loss of American lives. They think in terms of solemn, patriotic ceremonies, naming the names of those who died; perhaps displaying those names on programs or engraving them in stone. They wave American flags and banners.And while it’s true that most of those who died that day were American citizens, the victims represented 93 countries.The British, to no one’s surprise, conduct a formal ceremony in a tiny slip of park in the middle of Wall Street, called the British Garden (now renamed the Queen Elizabeth 2 Commemorative...
Ground Zero - 10 Years Later
Sep 12, 2011 by Victoria Noe
British & Canadian police officersat Ground Zero“Everything’s different this year.”I wish I had a dollar for every time I said or thought those words, or heard them from someone else yesterday. The anniversary brought many changes to the ceremonies, restrictions and mood.I was at the corner of Liberty & Trinity for the naming ceremony. I didn’t stay for the whole thing; I was there to listen for my classmate’s name. Last year, I realized it had always been mispronounced, and made it my goal for the 10th anniversary to make sure that was corrected.When I heard her name - pronounced correctly - I started to laugh. But instead a sob caught in my throat. It was all I could do...
Preserving Stories of 9/11
Sep 07, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Stories on the Ofrenda at St. Paul's ChapelWhat really separates humans from animals is the ability to tell and record stories. From the beginning of time, men and women have told stories about their lives, their dreams and their beliefs. And they’ve found ways to pass them along: oral storytelling and drawings on the walls of caves; hieroglyphics and illuminated manuscripts; blogs, texts, tweets and books. There are two organizations that are preserving stories about 9/11.Story CorpsSince 2003, Story Corps has collected and archived more than 35,000 interviews from more than 70,000 participants. Each conversation is recorded on a free CD to share, and is preserved in the American Folklife Center at the Library of Congress. Story Corps is one...
“My Best Friend Died and It Changed My Life”
Aug 31, 2011 by Victoria Noe
The 4-legged version of George
If George Davis was an animal, he’d be a Labrador retriever puppy: boundless energy and enthusiasm, openly affectionate and fun. We met at a writer’s conference in New York, and I was touched by his encouragement of my work. He’s a cheerleader for his friends and their dreams. But it took the death of his best friend to make him a cheerleader for his own dreams.Over wine at Rachel’s on 9th Avenue, he told me about his friend, who died at the much too young age of 29. Most of that conversation will be revealed in my book, but there was something that struck me then, and in the eloquent eulogy he gave...
Speaking Ill of the Dead
Aug 29, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People who are in the public eye – politicians, athletes, performers – are used to being misrepresented in the press. It comes with the territory. Their lives – and deaths – are under a microscope.Amy Winehouse. Michael Jackson. Heath Ledger. Speculation about the cause of death – and their lifestyles – fueled the tabloids for week. People popped up out of nowhere – childhood classmates, neighbors, former lovers – offering titillating details, though the accuracy was often questionable. It’s hard to sort the truth, and those who knew them best must be incredibly angry, but not surprised.When there is a natural disaster (earthquake, hurricane, tornado) or an act of violence (drive-by shooting, bombing, car accident), the lives of everyday people...
Commemorating 9/11 Isn’t for Everyone
Aug 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I remember when 9/11 happened. I was glued to the TV, watching everything, read everything, trying to understand what had happened. Others watched nothing, read no articles. The 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks is fast approaching. Television will be saturated with reruns of original programming from that day and new retrospectives. Reports on the building of the new Tower One, and the 9/11 Memorial and Museum have already appeared in newspapers. Books are being re-reprinted, and new ones are coming out in time for the anniversary.But not everyone wants to remember.Families, friends, survivors, even those with no connection to the losses of that day may want to ignore the whole thing.For some, it’s dwelling in the past, on...
How Can You Tell Who The Friends Are?
Aug 22, 2011 by Victoria Noe
No gladiolas, please
I remember sitting in the funeral parlor for my uncle’s wake. He’d died in a car accident less than two weeks before Christmas, and we were in shock. There would be no Christmas that year, not really. But first we had to get through the wake and funeral.I sat there with my sister and cousin as the funeral directors brought in the flower deliveries. It soon became apparent – at least to us – who knew my uncle and how well.He and I shared a hatred of gladiolas (and no, you can’t change my opinion on this). They exist only for funerals, in my mind, and depress me just thinking about them. It seemed everyone...
Hierarchies of 9/11 Grief
Aug 17, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Ground Zero Museum (14th St.)
There is a lot of talk these days about the changes in the observances at Ground Zero this year, for the 10th anniversary.It’s a significant anniversary, not just because 10 is a special number, whether it’s a birthday or anniversary. The new 9/11 Memorial, on the footprints of the Twin Towers, opens that day (the underground Museum won’t open for another year). Because of those things, changes have been made, and it seems no one is happy about them. Although it’s been alleged that they’ve never before been officially invited, survivors and first responders have been told there is no room for them this year. It will be families only along with a...
The Silly Things You Remember about Your Friends
Aug 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Last night I was working on something I’d promised to the Voices of September 11 people. That’s the organization compiling a digital archive for each victim of the 9/11 attacks. One of my high school classmates, Carol, died in the South Tower, and I’ve become the contact person for our class. I visited the Voices office in New Canaan, Connecticut, in May, to deliver some remembrances and discuss what else we would contribute. One of those things was my memory of attending an interfaith service at Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago a few days after the attacks:As I waited, I called home for messages, and had one, from another classmate, Ann.At that point, I had known her for 35 years....
