Victoria Noe

Award-winning Author, Speaker, Activist

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Memorial Day for the Friends Left Behind

Memorial Day for the Friends Left Behind
May 24, 2018 by Victoria Noe
Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery

The first funeral I ever went to for someone close to my age was 50 years ago this summer (and no, I can’t believe it’s been that long).

I grew up with Marianne and Ernie. Marianne was my senior big sister when I was freshman in high school. Ernie, her older brother, was studying to be a priest. I don’t remember why he left the seminary but after a year of teaching high school, he was drafted. A week after he arrived in Vietnam, he was reported missing. I remember arguing at my 16th birthday sleepover that surely he would be found alive, but that didn’t happen. A month later, his body was...

Friend Grief and Grantchester

Friend Grief and Grantchester
Jun 28, 2016 by Victoria Noe
pbs.org

I’m a big fan of British period mysteries, and given the harsh reality of the news the past two weeks, I admit to a bit of escapism.

Grantchester is a traditional mystery series – based on the novels by James Runcie – set in the real-life town of Grantchester in Cambridgeshire eight years after the end of World War II. The stories revolve around the vicar, Sidney Chambers (played by James Norton) and his mate, grumpy police inspector Geordie Keating (played by Robson Green). They are supported by a memorable group of characters – Sidney’s assistant, his housekeeper, the girl-who-got-away, and others. The richness of the characters is what has kept me a fan through its three...

Veterans and Friend Grief

Veterans and Friend Grief
Nov 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
A lot of people confuse Veterans Day and Memorial Day. Memorial Day is when we remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice, dying for their country. Veterans Day is when we honor all the men and women who served.

Some veterans – particularly older ones – enjoy being told “Thank you for your service.” Many younger ones, though, do not. They feel it’s an empty compliment, given by people who have sacrificed nothing. When you thank them for their service, they hear “thanks for doing what I wouldn’t do.”

The topic came up recently at a moral injury symposium in Chicago. The room was filled with veterans and those who serve them at the VA and various nonprofit organizations, including the event...

Grieving Friends Lost in Two Different Wars

Grieving Friends Lost in Two Different Wars
May 26, 2015 by Victoria Noe
When I was writing Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends, I was struck by the stories of grief and survivor guilt. Though many of the stories came from those doing the actual fighting, there were also those that came from non-combatants: war correspondents, medics, chaplains, nurses, even a little drummer boy.

As I read them, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of déjà vu. It wasn’t that I’d necessarily heard these stories before, but rather stories that were very similar. Only after several weeks did it become obvious to me: not all those who experience war faced an enemy armed with guns and bombs. Some faced off against a virus.

Activist/author Larry Kramer referred to AIDS as a plague. It...

Friend Grief on Veterans Day

Friend Grief on Veterans Day
Nov 11, 2014 by Victoria Noe
For Veterans Day, I'm reposting the announcement of my latest book, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends. It recently earned an honorable mention in the Chicago Writers Association 2014 Book of the Year Awards. But what means even more to me are the reactions of veterans who have read it: "You get it."Grief is hard. Grief for our friends is often dismissed as unimportant, at least when compared to losing a family member. But friendships forged in the military are different, very different. You’re friends, but more, because your lives depend on it.In my book, you’ll meet men and women on the front lines who watched their friends die, and carry the trauma of that moment with them...

Friend Grief and the Military

Friend Grief and the Military
May 26, 2014 by Victoria Noe
It’s Memorial Day, the day we remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice to preserve our freedom. It’s also the launch day for the fourth book in my series, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends.Grief is hard. Grief for our friends is often dismissed as unimportant, at least when compared to losing a family member. But friendships forged in the military are different, very different. You’re friends, but more, because your lives depend on it.In my book, you’ll meet men and women on the front lines who watched their friends die, and carry the trauma of that moment with them for decades. You’ll meet noncombatants – doctors, nurses, chaplains, war correspondents and even a little drummer boy from...

When the Hero is an Army Nurse

When the Hero is an Army Nurse
May 24, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Army Capt. Jennifer MorenoMost of the people in the military are men. It’s been a tradition for thousands of years, reinforced by societal norms. I’m old enough to remember when the military academies were men-only, and most jobs in every branch of service were restricted to men. Although combat roles are slowly being filled by women, women have been on the front lines for a very long time.Some of those in danger are noncombatants: medical personnel, chaplains, even war correspondents. The ones included in my book were well aware of their vulnerability. But it didn’t stop them from doing their jobs. Only death could do that.Army nurse Captain Jennifer Moreno received a Bronze Star posthumously for heroic actions on October...

Memorial Day and Stop Soldier Suicide

Memorial Day and Stop Soldier Suicide
May 23, 2014 by Victoria Noe
For the past couple years, we’ve been hearing about the epidemic of suicide among veterans (mostly in the US, though it’s not limited to our country). The statistic most often heard is that 22 veterans commit suicide each and every day: hundreds every month, thousands every year. One active duty soldier also commits suicide every day: more than are killed in action.In the course of writing Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends I was shocked to discover that that number is inaccurate. It came from a Department of Defense study that included data from only 22 states (and before you ask ‘why?’, I haven’t found the answer yet). That means you can reasonably assume that the number is...

A Bracelet of Honor for His Friends

A Bracelet of Honor for His Friends
May 19, 2014 by Victoria Noe
stripes.comOn Tuesday, President Obama bestowed the nation’s highest award for military valor – the Medal of Honor – on former Army Sgt. Kyle White. When you read this description from Stars and Stripes, keep in mind his age:White received the nation’s highest award for military valor in recognition of his actions during a patrol in the steep, rugged mountains near Aranas in eastern Afghanistan. He was serving as a radiotelephone operator with C Company, 2nd Battalion (Airborne), 503rd Infantry Regiment, 173rd Airborne Brigade when his team of U.S. and Afghan National Army troops were ambushed on Nov. 9, 2007 by a larger and more heavily armed Taliban force after a meeting with Afghan villagers.Describing White as “a soldier who embodies...

Friend Grief and Medics

Friend Grief and Medics
Apr 01, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Conlan Carter as Doc on "Combat!"Imagine you work in an emergency room. You’re an orderly, maybe – no rank in the pecking order. You might be the only one there to help, or you might have help, but not from a doctor or nurse – there aren’t any. It’s all on you.Every day – in bursts of activity that last for hours – your workplace is filled with patients. They’re screaming and panicky or very, very still. Some are missing legs or eyes; others have horrific head wounds. The floors are covered with blood and bandages and random pieces of flesh.You’re trying to be in three places at once; responding to whichever patient you think can be stabilized and moved...

This Year – and Next - in Friend Grief

This Year – and Next - in Friend Grief
Dec 27, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know that this has been quite a year. I think we all have the tendency to look back in late December, and cringe at the thought of all we’d planned to do but didn’t. I started to do that not long ago, but had to stop myself. I was looking at only one part of my goals for this year, and in that category I definitely came up short: I self-published three books instead of six. Yeah, I know, I was a bit too optimistic. But what surprised me more than anything was what I accomplished that was not on my list. And I’ll tell you right now,...

The Next Friend Grief Books

The Next Friend Grief Books
Nov 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Do you consider the people you work with to be friends? Have you experienced the death of one of them?I’m currently looking for people to interview for the next two books in the Friend Grief series.Book #4 is Friend Grief and Community: Band of Friends. It focuses on active duty military and veterans – men and women, of any age - who have lost a battle buddy, either in combat or from suicide.Book #5 is Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. This book’s focus is obvious, and will have a broad definition of “workplace”. You don’t have to work in an office building. Maybe you are an actor, a paramedic, a teacher, a cashier,...

Another Hero Remembering His Friends

Another Hero Remembering His Friends
Oct 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Capt. William SwensonPhoto: Washington PostNearly lost is in the chaos coming out of Washington, DC, was the most important event of the week: Army Capt. William Swenson was awarded the Medal of Honor.Swenson is the subject of some controversy. His believes his criticism of Army superiors, for not providing sufficient air and artillery support during the 2009 Gangjal battle, delayed his award for years (the Army said his nomination packet was lost in their computer for 19 months). You may remember former Marine Cpl. Dakota Meyer, who also won the Medal of Honor for the same battle. Swenson questions Meyer’s account of that battle, so it was no surprise that Meyer didn’t show up at the White House yesterday. Two...

National Suicide Prevention Month

National Suicide Prevention Month
Sep 17, 2013 by Victoria Noe
September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and if it seems like suicide is in the news more lately, there’s a reason for it. The numbers (not just awareness) are up and three groups of people seem most at risk: teenagers, military and Baby Boomers.We’ve known that teenagers are at risk for suicide for a long time. Raging hormones, pressure from parents and school, drugs and alcohol make a deadly combination. But a large number of suicides of teenagers – and even pre-teens – can be traced to bullying. Kids whose only crime is being different or being sensitive or smart or small for their age are hounded by bullies: on the school bus, on the internet, even getting text messages...

“Now You’re a Soldier”

“Now You’re a Soldier”
May 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
The moment came near the end of Which Way is the Front Line From Here? The Life and Times of Tim Hetherington. The HBO documentary, produced by his friend and fellow war correspondent Sebastian Junger, is a fascinating look into the world of embedded journalists. It’s all too obvious why dozens are killed every year.After Hetherington’s death in April, 2011, Junger hears from one of the soldiers they lived with for 13 months in Afghanistan. The soldier tells him that he and Hetherington were accepted by the platoon, thought of (almost) as one of them. But, hoping he didn’t sound callous, the soldier told Junger that because he’d lost his friend, “now you’re a soldier.”The next book in the Friend...

Friend Grief Wants You

Friend Grief Wants You
Mar 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
gabrielweinberg.comI’m currently researching and interviewing people for books in the Friend Grief series. Many of you have stories about grieving a friend, stories that are important – not just to you, but to others. Your experience can help other people who are struggling with their own grief, often in private because those around them don’t understand.I’m looking for people in the following situations:                        You’re active duty military or a veteran and a comrade died.            You’re a first responder and one of your co-workers died.You live in a religious community (convent, monastery, etc.) and one of your members died.A friend of yours died on 9/11 (you don’t have to be a co-worker or survivor of the attacks).            A friend you...

"The Life and Death of Clay Hunt"

Mar 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
en.wikipedia.orgAs a rule, I don’t watch 60 Minutes. It’s on at a time when I’m usually doing something else. But Sunday night I happened to turn it on just as it was beginning, and that became a good news/bad news moment.The third book in the Friend Grief series is about friends who live and work together, and the military figures prominently in it. I’ve been learning a lot lately about the epidemic of suicide among active duty military and veterans, in the US and UK.As I’ve explained in recent posts, there are a number of contributing factors: multiple deployments, inadequate screening for pre-existing mental health issues, substance abuse, grief for their comrades and survivor guilt.Sunday’s program opened with “The Life...

When Grief Goes On and On

When Grief Goes On and On
Mar 02, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Not all veterans are menI recently visited the Westside VA Medical Center in Los Angeles and spoke to people in their palliative care division. These are professionals who counsel veterans of all ages. I learned a lot from them, and frankly, not much of it was good. We talked about survivor guilt and grief, and how they are factors in post-deployment mental health issues (PTSD, substance abuse, suicide).My research lately has focused on recent vets, and the suicide epidemic affecting active duty troops. But I learned that grief for comrades – and complicating guilt – lasts for decades.One person I spoke to works with Vietnam and WW2 vets. Both aging populations, as they near the end of their lives...

Who’s to Blame When Your Friend Dies?

Who’s to Blame When Your Friend Dies?
Feb 05, 2013 by Victoria Noe
righteousmarketing.comI’ve been doing a lot of research on how the military – active duty and veterans – cope with the grief of losing their comrades. Often survivor guilt complicates their grief. One of the interesting things I found was a checklist the US Navy uses to help someone whose grief is compounded by guilt. It attempts to determine who or what was responsible for their comrade’s death. That’s not the same thing as blame or guilt, but bear with me.The list identifies every person or situation or organization that could have any hand in the death of a service member: enemy action, the surviving unit members, the unit’s officers, etc. Then it branches out: unarmed civilians, the chain of...

When Surviving Your Friends is Too Much to Bear

When Surviving Your Friends is Too Much to Bear
Jan 30, 2013 by Victoria Noe
mil.state.or.usIn 2012, 229 US troops were killed in Afghanistan.In 2012, 349 US troops committed suicide.Yes, you read that right.Suicide among veterans and active duty service members is on the rise. The total for last year represented a double-digit increase, regardless of branch of service.This is not just an issue for US troops. Suicides have also risen alarmingly among the UK’s forces in Afghanistan.The first order of business, of course, is why?Suicide is a complicated issue. Are the armed forces doing a good job screening applicants, rejecting those with obvious mental health issues? Are there contributing factors, such as alcohol or drug abuse? Is the shock of war too much for some people?All of those are valid considerations, but one of...

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