Blog
workplace grief
The Show Must Go On
Feb 03, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Coming from a theatre background, I learned early on that ‘the show must go on’. Once I had a severe allergic reaction a few hours before going onstage. I made it through the show, though I couldn’t sing worth a damn.
If you watched the amazing live production of Grease that aired Sunday night, you probably heard about Vanessa Hudgens, who played Rizzo: her father died less than 24 hours before the broadcast. She went on as scheduled and the whole show was dedicated to him.
Less than a week after my father died, I was 400 miles away making a presentation at a national conference. I didn’t want to be there. The organizers assured me I didn’t have to be there....
Less than a week after my father died, I was 400 miles away making a presentation at a national conference. I didn’t want to be there. The organizers assured me I didn’t have to be there....
When a Coworker Dies
Aug 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Where do you work? In an office? A store? A theatre?
Every workplace has its own culture, its own personality. Some have open floor plans, others a hive of cubicles and offices with closed doors. Some have strict dress codes or time clocks to punch. Others thrive on creative chaos.
But every one of them faces the possibility of a crisis when an employee dies.
How people grieve is individual and personal, so it’s to be expected that there can be conflict when a group of people in a work environment have to deal with a coworker’s death. Every workplace seems to have a few specific personalities.
The Social Director: They organize theme lunches and after-work gatherings. They decorate the office for holidays and...
Every workplace has its own culture, its own personality. Some have open floor plans, others a hive of cubicles and offices with closed doors. Some have strict dress codes or time clocks to punch. Others thrive on creative chaos.
But every one of them faces the possibility of a crisis when an employee dies.
How people grieve is individual and personal, so it’s to be expected that there can be conflict when a group of people in a work environment have to deal with a coworker’s death. Every workplace seems to have a few specific personalities.
The Social Director: They organize theme lunches and after-work gatherings. They decorate the office for holidays and...
Publication Day for Friend Grief
Jul 28, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Today – finally – the latest book in the Friend Grief series is officially available for sale.
Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle is about the impact of friendships we make at work.
As I’ve said before, it’s a very broad definition of workplace. I listed some of them here. But I’d like to share one of the stories, this one about the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team (in the interest of full disclosure, I’m a lifelong fan – but that’s not why they’re in the book). Here’s how some members of the team chose to pay tribute to their friends and teammates:
When Jason Heyward made the opening day roster for the Atlanta Braves, he was asked to...
Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle is about the impact of friendships we make at work.
As I’ve said before, it’s a very broad definition of workplace. I listed some of them here. But I’d like to share one of the stories, this one about the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team (in the interest of full disclosure, I’m a lifelong fan – but that’s not why they’re in the book). Here’s how some members of the team chose to pay tribute to their friends and teammates:
When Jason Heyward made the opening day roster for the Atlanta Braves, he was asked to...
Covering a Colleague's Funeral
Jul 01, 2015 by Victoria Noe
You know how it is. You watch local newscasters on TV every day. Some come and go, others work their entire careers in one market.
Bob Barry, Jr. - like his father before him for 40 years - was the sports director and main sports anchor at KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City. He died in a traffic accident on June 20.
The following day - independent of each other - every news operation in town called the station, all with the same offer: they would send their own staff to KFOR to cover their broadcasts, so Barry's coworkers could all attend his memorial service.
Carlton Houston, KFOR's news director, took them up on the offer, so every employee who knew and loved Bob Barry...
Bob Barry, Jr. - like his father before him for 40 years - was the sports director and main sports anchor at KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City. He died in a traffic accident on June 20.
The following day - independent of each other - every news operation in town called the station, all with the same offer: they would send their own staff to KFOR to cover their broadcasts, so Barry's coworkers could all attend his memorial service.
Carlton Houston, KFOR's news director, took them up on the offer, so every employee who knew and loved Bob Barry...
Friend Grief in the Workplace
Jun 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
If it seems to you like my next book – Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle - has been in the works forever, well, it feels that way to me, too. I can’t remember when my original publication date was, other than it was 2014. But it’s finally happening, and I’m ready to share some specifics.
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
An Awkward Response to a Coworker's Death
Oct 03, 2014 by Victoria Noe
I blogged about the famous “Chuckles Bites The Dust” episode on The Mary Tyler Moore Showin 2011. I looked at it in terms of a person’s reaction to a friend’s death, which can sometimes appear inappropriate (like laughing at a funeral).But I decided to return to it as I work on the next book in my series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle.Chuckles, after all, was a clown – or rather, playing a clown was his job. He was – to put it mildly – not taken seriously by his coworkers. So it was not surprising that on hearing of his death, they immediately began to joke about him.Mary was horrified that they made fun of...
Avoiding Grief at Work
Sep 26, 2014 by Victoria Noe
He looked great in a tux, tooI’ve been working hard lately on the next book in my series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. But I struggled to find some validation about the importance of friendships at work.There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence: stories you’ll read in the book. What I wanted was something more objective. Maybe I needed to conduct my own survey, a daunting prospect I was not prepared to seriously consider. So I ignored the issue for a couple days. As luck would have it, just such a survey presented itself yesterday morning.You’ll learn more about the survey results in the book, but one of the obvious truths in it was the evidence that we...
Friend Grief at Work
Jul 22, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Once you’re done with school, the most likely place to meet new people is through your job. And some of them become terrific friends.Maybe you shared an office and worked on a project together.Maybe the two of you were in the same movie.Maybe you were baristas in the same coffee house.Maybe you taught in the same school.Maybe you found yourselves assigned to the same firehouse after graduating from the academy.And then they died.The first four books in the Friend Grief series have included some people who worked together: first responders on 9/11, active duty military, war correspondents and actors. All shared a love of their jobs and a deep affection for their friends. All struggled with the grief of losing...
Share Your Friend Grief Story
Jun 23, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Believe it or not, the final two books in the Friend Grief series will be published this fall. I’m looking for additional stories for both books. Do you have a story that will fit one of them?Workplace griefThe next book is titled Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. The stories in it are about people coping with the death of a co-worker who was also a friend. Don’t let the title throw you off, though: I have a pretty broad definition of workplace. There are already stories of friends who worked together at a coffeehouse, a TV studio, a newspaper, a firehouse. Maybe you’re an actor or dancer, a server or bartender, a medical professional or...
This Year – and Next - in Friend Grief
Dec 27, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know that this has been quite a year. I think we all have the tendency to look back in late December, and cringe at the thought of all we’d planned to do but didn’t. I started to do that not long ago, but had to stop myself. I was looking at only one part of my goals for this year, and in that category I definitely came up short: I self-published three books instead of six. Yeah, I know, I was a bit too optimistic. But what surprised me more than anything was what I accomplished that was not on my list. And I’ll tell you right now,...
The Next Friend Grief Books
Nov 26, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Do you consider the people you work with to be friends? Have you experienced the death of one of them?I’m currently looking for people to interview for the next two books in the Friend Grief series.Book #4 is Friend Grief and Community: Band of Friends. It focuses on active duty military and veterans – men and women, of any age - who have lost a battle buddy, either in combat or from suicide.Book #5 is Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle. This book’s focus is obvious, and will have a broad definition of “workplace”. You don’t have to work in an office building. Maybe you are an actor, a paramedic, a teacher, a cashier,...
The Next Friend Grief Book
Sep 03, 2013 by Victoria Noe
“Families only.”Those who were killed on September 11, 2001 left behind more than family members. They left thousands of friends who are often forgotten and ignored: co-workers, first responders, neighbors and survivors who struggle to find a way to grieve the friends killed when the World Trade Center towers fell. In Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners you’ll learn how they adjust to life without their friends and find ways to honor those they lost on a clear, blue Tuesday. It’s been two years since I wrote a post hereabout what became the basis of this book: the hierarchy of grief in the 9/11 community. But let’s be honest: does the world need another book about 9/11? As it turns...
Friend Grief Wants You
Mar 12, 2013 by Victoria Noe
gabrielweinberg.comI’m currently researching and interviewing people for books in the Friend Grief series. Many of you have stories about grieving a friend, stories that are important – not just to you, but to others. Your experience can help other people who are struggling with their own grief, often in private because those around them don’t understand.I’m looking for people in the following situations: You’re active duty military or a veteran and a comrade died. You’re a first responder and one of your co-workers died.You live in a religious community (convent, monastery, etc.) and one of your members died.A friend of yours died on 9/11 (you don’t have to be a co-worker or survivor of the attacks). A friend you...
What Do You Miss the Most?
Jan 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
When you think about a friend who has died, what do you miss the most? Maybe you went to school together, and you miss passing notes in class.Maybe you worked together, and you miss getting to know each other over shared projects.Maybe you were neighbors, and you miss knowing they were right there next door, a safety net and comforting presence.Maybe you traveled together, and you miss exploring, getting lost and having adventures only the two of you could possibly appreciate.Maybe you only knew them online, and they died before you had the chance to meet them face to face.Maybe you hadn’t seen them in years – decades, even – and wonder now why you didn’t make the effort...
I Might Want to Interview You
Dec 21, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Despite the holidays, I'm currently researching the third and fourth books in the Friend Grief series. One is on the experience of grieving the death of a friend in community, the other in the workplace. Part of that research is interviewing men and women who have gone through this.There are several demographics I’m interested in:Police FirefightersMedical personnel (all levels, but not those who work in a doctor’s office)NunsPerforming artists (musicians, actors, dancers, singers)MonksMilitarySenior citizens The criteria for all demographics are the same:They must have experienced the death of a friend they worked with (except senior citizens – for that group it’s a friend they lived with in a retirement community).They need not be currently working at that job.They must be...
Survivor Guilt
Apr 12, 2012 by Victoria Noe
St. Paul's Chapel near Ground ZeroPerhaps because I’m in New York right now, or because I’m re-visiting the 9/11 Memorial this evening, I had survivor guilt on my mind.This is a post from last year that looks at how guilt – and anger – complicate grief for your friend.In keeping with what turned out to be a week of considering anger’s role in grief, I thought I’d turn to one of the triggers for anger: survivor guilt.The research for my book has provided a glimpse into some typically closed societies, among them military and firefighters. Both are groups charged with keeping us safe, both are groups whose jobs are so dangerous they know every day is potentially their last.The people...
Workplace Grief: IndyCar-Style
Mar 23, 2012 by Victoria Noe
radiomichigana.comWhen we hear the term ‘workplace grief’, we probably think of a traditional business setting. Maybe a former employee came back and shot people. Maybe the boss dropped dead of a heart attack. Maybe there was an accident.But people make their livings in a lot of places that aren’t cubicles: baseball diamonds, stages, beaches, movie theatres, day care centers, gyms.Sometimes, by virtual of their professions, people also find themselves in the public eye. Knowing you’re going to – rightly or wrongly – be judged by the media and strangers can reasonably compound your grief for your co-worker.Last October, Dan Wheldon died in a horrific crash at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. British-born Wheldon, the two-time Indianapolis 500 winner, lived in St....
When a Friend’s Diagnosis Scares You
Feb 27, 2012 by Victoria Noe
“I read the news today, oh, boy…”When I was a kid, it seemed that old people talked about nothing but aches and pains. If asked how she was feeling, the most optimistic response my great-aunt could come up with was, “well, not too bad”. And while I’m not there yet, as we age we see glimpses of declining health. Sore knees and weakened eyes become the rule rather than the exception, both in ourselves and our friends.We may complain about not being able to play certain sports anymore, but, hey, we’re still here, right?Then one day you get the phone call or the email, or you see a post on Facebook. One of your friends is sick, really sick: dying....
A Request about Friend Grief
Dec 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
As you probably know, I’m writing a book about people’s experiences grieving the death of a friend. ‘It’s Not Like They’re Family’: Mourning Our Friends and Celebrating Their Lives is a look at the phenomenon of friend grief: the lack of respect for that kind of grief, and how it’s often a catalyst for major life changes.I’m looking for stories for several chapters in the book:Workplace grief: when the friend who died is a co-worker.Community: when the friend who died is a member of a community (religious orders and first responders in particular).People who were shut out by their friend’s family, either while the friend was dying or afterwards (not notified of the death or banned from funeral).And always, what...
Everyone’s Best Friend
Oct 14, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Steve Daley “Mourning him would be rather silly. He died too soon, but so do we all. The universe is run idiotically, and its only certain product is sorrow. But there are yet men who, by their generally pleasant spirits, by their dignity and decency, by their extraordinary capacity for making and keeping friends, yet manage to cheat, in some measure, the common destiny of mankind, doomed like the beasts to perish." - H.L. MenckenWe all know people like Steve Daley, who shared this quote with his friend and colleague Mary Schmich. They have lots of friends, but when asked, each one will insist that he made them feel like they were his best friend. In some...
