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Grief
Preserving Stories of 9/11
Sep 07, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Stories on the Ofrenda at St. Paul's ChapelWhat really separates humans from animals is the ability to tell and record stories. From the beginning of time, men and women have told stories about their lives, their dreams and their beliefs. And they’ve found ways to pass them along: oral storytelling and drawings on the walls of caves; hieroglyphics and illuminated manuscripts; blogs, texts, tweets and books. There are two organizations that are preserving stories about 9/11.Story CorpsSince 2003, Story Corps has collected and archived more than 35,000 interviews from more than 70,000 participants. Each conversation is recorded on a free CD to share, and is preserved in the American Folklife Center at the Library of Congress. Story Corps is one...
Friend Grief and the 10th Anniversary of 9/11
Sep 05, 2011 by Victoria Noe
And now, as they say, a programming note: I will be writing from New York City starting September 7th, on the 10th anniversary observances of 9/11. I’m there for two reasons: First, one chapter in my book covers people who lost friends on 9/11; some of those stories also pop up elsewhere in the book. Second, one of my high school classmates died in the South Tower, and I’m going to hear her name read at the Naming Ceremony (hopefully, pronounced correctly this year), and to see her name engraved on the new 9/11 Memorial.I’ll be looking at the anniversary from a number of different perspectives: how the arts and different faiths are observing it, for example. You can expect...
Labor Day Thoughts on Workplace Grief
Sep 03, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People work in offices and construction sites, museums and restaurants. Rarely do they work completely alone. They have co-workersI remember my Dad’s funeral. He was a deputy sheriff, and some of the other deputies escorted the funeral procession to the cemetery: riding ahead to block intersections, later standing in formation, adding an air of importance that my Dad would’ve loved. It was how they honored them.It’s hard to grieve when a co-worker has died. The reminders of the loss are there, in front of you sometimes, all day long. They are replaced, because someone has to do their job. You may feel resentful and angry, perhaps even because their death left you with a whole lot more work to do.We often spend...
“My Best Friend Died and It Changed My Life”
Aug 31, 2011 by Victoria Noe
The 4-legged version of George
If George Davis was an animal, he’d be a Labrador retriever puppy: boundless energy and enthusiasm, openly affectionate and fun. We met at a writer’s conference in New York, and I was touched by his encouragement of my work. He’s a cheerleader for his friends and their dreams. But it took the death of his best friend to make him a cheerleader for his own dreams.Over wine at Rachel’s on 9th Avenue, he told me about his friend, who died at the much too young age of 29. Most of that conversation will be revealed in my book, but there was something that struck me then, and in the eloquent eulogy he gave...
Speaking Ill of the Dead
Aug 29, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People who are in the public eye – politicians, athletes, performers – are used to being misrepresented in the press. It comes with the territory. Their lives – and deaths – are under a microscope.Amy Winehouse. Michael Jackson. Heath Ledger. Speculation about the cause of death – and their lifestyles – fueled the tabloids for week. People popped up out of nowhere – childhood classmates, neighbors, former lovers – offering titillating details, though the accuracy was often questionable. It’s hard to sort the truth, and those who knew them best must be incredibly angry, but not surprised.When there is a natural disaster (earthquake, hurricane, tornado) or an act of violence (drive-by shooting, bombing, car accident), the lives of everyday people...
Commemorating 9/11 Isn’t for Everyone
Aug 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I remember when 9/11 happened. I was glued to the TV, watching everything, read everything, trying to understand what had happened. Others watched nothing, read no articles. The 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks is fast approaching. Television will be saturated with reruns of original programming from that day and new retrospectives. Reports on the building of the new Tower One, and the 9/11 Memorial and Museum have already appeared in newspapers. Books are being re-reprinted, and new ones are coming out in time for the anniversary.But not everyone wants to remember.Families, friends, survivors, even those with no connection to the losses of that day may want to ignore the whole thing.For some, it’s dwelling in the past, on...
How Can You Tell Who The Friends Are?
Aug 22, 2011 by Victoria Noe
No gladiolas, please
I remember sitting in the funeral parlor for my uncle’s wake. He’d died in a car accident less than two weeks before Christmas, and we were in shock. There would be no Christmas that year, not really. But first we had to get through the wake and funeral.I sat there with my sister and cousin as the funeral directors brought in the flower deliveries. It soon became apparent – at least to us – who knew my uncle and how well.He and I shared a hatred of gladiolas (and no, you can’t change my opinion on this). They exist only for funerals, in my mind, and depress me just thinking about them. It seemed everyone...
Hierarchies of 9/11 Grief
Aug 17, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Ground Zero Museum (14th St.)
There is a lot of talk these days about the changes in the observances at Ground Zero this year, for the 10th anniversary.It’s a significant anniversary, not just because 10 is a special number, whether it’s a birthday or anniversary. The new 9/11 Memorial, on the footprints of the Twin Towers, opens that day (the underground Museum won’t open for another year). Because of those things, changes have been made, and it seems no one is happy about them. Although it’s been alleged that they’ve never before been officially invited, survivors and first responders have been told there is no room for them this year. It will be families only along with a...
The Silly Things You Remember about Your Friends
Aug 16, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Last night I was working on something I’d promised to the Voices of September 11 people. That’s the organization compiling a digital archive for each victim of the 9/11 attacks. One of my high school classmates, Carol, died in the South Tower, and I’ve become the contact person for our class. I visited the Voices office in New Canaan, Connecticut, in May, to deliver some remembrances and discuss what else we would contribute. One of those things was my memory of attending an interfaith service at Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago a few days after the attacks:As I waited, I called home for messages, and had one, from another classmate, Ann.At that point, I had known her for 35 years....
Dreading Anniversaries – 9/11
Aug 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
With a month to go before the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, the media is gearing up for what promises to be saturation coverage.Memorial events – some annual, some special for this year – are being announced in New York, Washington, DC, and Pennsylvania.Politicians will invoke the attacks and the bravery of first responders, and try to link themselves to the courage shown on that day.News specials – reruns of documentaries from those early days as well as new programs – are being announced for networks and cable channels.President Obama has declared September 11 to be a National Day of Service, so communities around the country are not only planning commemorations, but activities to focus on positive action.I...
Why I Started Friend Grief
Aug 10, 2011 by Victoria Noe
I started this blog 6 months ago, so I thought it was a good time to look back and take stock.I’ve learned a lot about the technical joys and frustrations of blogging.I’ve learned a lot about the challenges of trying to stick out in an online world of blogs on every conceivable topic. This is what I wrote in my first post on February 1:Welcome to Friend Grief. It's here to raise awareness of a powerful experience in all of our lives: the death of a friend. Millions of people each year suffer the pain of a friend's death, and many of them suffer more because those around them don't respect their grief. The people who are part of Friend Grief...
One More Thing about Paul McCartney and Friend Grief
Aug 06, 2011 by Victoria Noe
My posts this week, before and after seeing Paul McCartney’s concert at Wrigley Field, have inspired some great conversations.Comments both here and offline have focused mostly on a new appreciation of friendships (not just Paul’s).My friend, Gregory, mentioned that he and his late sister (my friend, Delle) had discussed the stark contrast between the emotions expressed so eloquently in Paul and John’s music and their inability to communicate their love to each other.I suspect that’s not unusual for anyone who expresses themselves in an artistic way: visual artists, writers, songwriters. Actions directed to “the world” or 40,000 people in a stadium are easier than words directed across the table to only one person. The fear of rejection is much greater...
Paul McCartney – Grieving for John and George in Music
Aug 02, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Last night at Wrigley -Ruthie Hauge - Sun Times MediaOkay, another gratuitous photo of Paul McCartney.At his Wrigley Field concert last night, he did indeed perform the two songs I wrote about yesterday, “Here Today”, dedicated to John Lennon, and “Something”, dedicated to George Harrison.It has been said that men grieve differently. But what I saw onstage was a man who grieved two very different friends in very different ways.“Something” began simply, with Paul singing along to his ukulele accompaniment. But eventually his band joined in for a lush performance. The video screen was filled with images of George and Paul: rehearsing, performing, and goofing around at various moments in their friendship. It was a tribute to George, a love...
My Excuse to Write About Paul McCartney and Friend Grief
Aug 01, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Why I love black tshirts & jeansMy friends probably think I wrote this as a flimsy excuse to post a picture of my favorite Beatle, but that’s only partially true.The media are all over his two concerts here at Wrigley Field (I’m going tonight). “McCartney Mania” has been running on my favorite radio station, playing his music from those ground-breaking Beatles days right through to the present. TV reporters were camped out in front of the ballpark, reporting on the concert and the crowds. Today’s papers ran his play list from last night, and I saw that he continues a tradition he started some time ago: playing a song in honor of each of his late band mates, John Lennon...
Signs from Our Friends
Jul 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People who grieve often watch for signs from their loved one who has died. I’ve had a number of signs from my friend, Delle. She had felt a strong calling to be a priest, an impossibility (at least at this time) in the Catholic Church. A couple years after she died, I went to Christmas mass at Sts. Clare & Francis, an Ecumenical Catholic Communion church in St. Louis. A woman priest was concelebrating the mass, and I couldn’t help but think of Delle, and what she’d been denied. My eyes filled with tears, and then I felt arms around me, as if someone were kneeling behind where I sat. And I heard Delle’s voice in my head saying “it’s...
A Support Group Just for Friends
Jul 26, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Grief support groups are available in most communities. Some are affiliated with hospitals or hospices. Others are programs offered by religious communities or nonprofit organizations.Most offer an open group for anyone who is grieving. Everyone is welcome, even though they may be experiencing different kinds of losses (such as spouse, child, parent, friend or petBut not everyone is comfortable in a general grief support group. They may be the only one mourning a spouse, or they may feel that others in the group don’t understand that their dog was their only companion. People – rightly or wrongly – make comparisons about the level of grief they experience: “mine is worse than yours”. So specialized support groups were formed.There are groups...
Friend Grief at the Bloggers Ball – Take 5
Jul 23, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Welcome She Writers to the Friend Grief stop on the latest Bloggers Ball!Some of you have been here before; some of you are visiting for the first time. I encourage you to browse the archives here, as well as this post.Writing is hard.Writing about difficult subjects is harder.I wasn’t sure I was up for it.But those who follow this blog, the She Writers and the posse I’ve gathered have encouraged me and sustained me when I felt I was in over my head.Once a month I write about 9/11, and also about the AIDS epidemic. I share stories about people who are struggling as they grieve their friends, and about those who have made major life changes because of that...
One Way to Avoid Regrets: International Friendship Day
Jul 20, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Kristie West’s 30-Day Challenge - http://www.kristiewest.com/ - is all about showing appreciation now for the important people in your life.I started it myself on Monday, and it’s a refreshingly painless way to begin a new (good) habit. Telling your friends what they mean to you has no downside. It also got me thinking again about regrets: about how the grief we feel when our friends die is sometimes compounded by the sadness we feel about what we never did. We never told them how much they meant to us. We never took that trip together. We never…well, you get the idea.An Australian group, Global Friendship, celebrates International Friendship Day on the first Sunday in August, this year on the 7th....
What Else I Learned Writing a Book about Friend Grief
Jul 18, 2011 by Victoria Noe
When I posted last week about what I’ve learned in this now almost two-year book project, I had the feeling I was forgetting something. It took a day, but it finally popped into my head:I forgot to tell what I’ve learned about writing.Last week I concentrated on the grief aspect, the subject matter, the people I interviewed (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But this is my first book, and I’m learning by doing. Some things have come easily; some not so easily.I knew why I was writing the book. In its simplest form, I was keeping a promise to my friend, Delle. What was harder was coming to terms with who was writing the book and what it...
Kristie West's 30 Day Challenge
Jul 15, 2011 by Victoria Noe
Grief and guilt seem at times to be intertwined. We regret the things we didn’t do, the things we didn’t say, when we had a chance. That’s human, but it can sometimes deepen our grief.Now, it has been said that it takes 30 days to create a new habit (or break an old one). So, I was intrigued by Kristie West’s 30-Day Challenge.Kristie and I are tweeps: we know each other only on Twitter. She lives in England; I live in Chicago. We’ve never met, although I hope we do something about that soon. ;)Kristie’s website, www.kristiewest.com, is a great resource for those looking for help navigating their grief. She has challenged her followers in a unique way. Here...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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