Blog
"Are You Straight?" - Researching My Next Book
Aug 10, 2016 by Victoria Noe
NYPL Library for the Performing Arts
All of the Friend Grief books required research. I knew I couldn’t rely only on personal interviews because there were some celebrities I wanted to include, as well as people I could not travel to meet. Truth be told, I like doing research. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I find what I’m looking for. I get really jazzed when I uncover a gem.
But this next book…well, the research is on a whole different level.
Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community looks at the contributions of these women through the 35 years of the epidemic. I made a few decisions early on that...
All of the Friend Grief books required research. I knew I couldn’t rely only on personal interviews because there were some celebrities I wanted to include, as well as people I could not travel to meet. Truth be told, I like doing research. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I find what I’m looking for. I get really jazzed when I uncover a gem.
But this next book…well, the research is on a whole different level.
Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community looks at the contributions of these women through the 35 years of the epidemic. I made a few decisions early on that...
Why Are We So Hard on Grievers?
Aug 03, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Most of us don’t grieve in public and frankly, that’s a relief. Anyone in the public eye who has experienced a loss is closely watched for…what? So we – strangers – can judge how they’re handling their grief. Do they cry at the drop of a hat or do they act as if nothing has happened?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I watched both the speech given by Khizr Khan at the Democratic National Convention last week and the reaction from around the country. Perhaps the only thing more impressive was his wife, Ghazala.
I listened to his words, but I watched her. The grief she experienced was obvious in her body language: tense, fragile, struggling for control. She’s...
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I watched both the speech given by Khizr Khan at the Democratic National Convention last week and the reaction from around the country. Perhaps the only thing more impressive was his wife, Ghazala.
I listened to his words, but I watched her. The grief she experienced was obvious in her body language: tense, fragile, struggling for control. She’s...
Honoring Friends in Many Ways
Jul 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
One of the questions many of the people in the Friend Grief books have struggled to answer is, “How do I remember them?” We want to be sure that even for those who never met our friend, that they will somehow appreciate that they walked the earth.
The people I interviewed found many ways to do that: One man helped start a foundation to cover costs related to medical treatment (hotel stays for family members, parking, supplies, etc.). Two women started a nonprofit to help the homeless, continuing their friend's work. One kept a stack of holy cards in his desk, one for each coworker who died on 9/11. One started an organization to help prevent deaths like his friend’s. Some...
The people I interviewed found many ways to do that: One man helped start a foundation to cover costs related to medical treatment (hotel stays for family members, parking, supplies, etc.). Two women started a nonprofit to help the homeless, continuing their friend's work. One kept a stack of holy cards in his desk, one for each coworker who died on 9/11. One started an organization to help prevent deaths like his friend’s. Some...
Friend Grief Events - August
Jul 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
If you subscribe to my newsletter (and you can do that on the right-hand side of this page), this will be old news. If not, there’s a lot going on:
August 4 – I’m doing a reading and signing of my latest book Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes at Bureau of General Services/Queer Division bookstore, in the LGBT Center in New York. I’m focusing on the most talked-about chapter in the book, comparing military veterans to long-term survivors in the AIDS community. Joining me is fellow ACT UP/NY member Jim Eigo, whose story is included. That book and Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends will be available for purchase.
August 7 – Three of my books (Friend...
August 4 – I’m doing a reading and signing of my latest book Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes at Bureau of General Services/Queer Division bookstore, in the LGBT Center in New York. I’m focusing on the most talked-about chapter in the book, comparing military veterans to long-term survivors in the AIDS community. Joining me is fellow ACT UP/NY member Jim Eigo, whose story is included. That book and Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends will be available for purchase.
August 7 – Three of my books (Friend...
Friend Grief Overload
Jul 12, 2016 by Victoria Noe
For the past month, I’ve been – like many of you reading this – in a near-constant depression. Maybe not a clinical depression, but a feeling of almost unending sadness.
It started with the slaughter at Pulse nightclub in Orlando. It wasn't just shocking. I was disturbed by my reaction. I wasn’t alone. Many people – in and out of the LGBT community – were devastated by the horror inflicted on people out for a fun Saturday night.
But it didn’t stop there: Baton Rouge, Minnesota, and the sniper in Dallas. Those weren’t the only shootings. I live in Chicago and almost every news broadcast opens with a tally of the previous day’s gun violence. But I’m not here to talk...
It started with the slaughter at Pulse nightclub in Orlando. It wasn't just shocking. I was disturbed by my reaction. I wasn’t alone. Many people – in and out of the LGBT community – were devastated by the horror inflicted on people out for a fun Saturday night.
But it didn’t stop there: Baton Rouge, Minnesota, and the sniper in Dallas. Those weren’t the only shootings. I live in Chicago and almost every news broadcast opens with a tally of the previous day’s gun violence. But I’m not here to talk...
Finding Community at a Writer's Conference
Jul 06, 2016 by Victoria Noe
The 2011 WDC Pitch Slam. Every bit as terrifying as it looks.
Not long ago I blogged about my experience at Book Expo America. Now I’m preparing for next month’s Writer's Digest Conference in New York.
It’s my 6th one (7 if you count LA a few years ago). The one I attended in 2011 was my first writing conference and I was terrified. I had no blog (that started a few weeks later). I had no Facebook author page (that took longer). I started tweeting on my way to New York. I had barely started writing. I learned a lot that weekend, in spite of myself.
As always I have a plan: what I want to accomplish...
Not long ago I blogged about my experience at Book Expo America. Now I’m preparing for next month’s Writer's Digest Conference in New York.
It’s my 6th one (7 if you count LA a few years ago). The one I attended in 2011 was my first writing conference and I was terrified. I had no blog (that started a few weeks later). I had no Facebook author page (that took longer). I started tweeting on my way to New York. I had barely started writing. I learned a lot that weekend, in spite of myself.
As always I have a plan: what I want to accomplish...
Friend Grief and Grantchester
Jun 28, 2016 by Victoria Noe
pbs.org
I’m a big fan of British period mysteries, and given the harsh reality of the news the past two weeks, I admit to a bit of escapism.
Grantchester is a traditional mystery series – based on the novels by James Runcie – set in the real-life town of Grantchester in Cambridgeshire eight years after the end of World War II. The stories revolve around the vicar, Sidney Chambers (played by James Norton) and his mate, grumpy police inspector Geordie Keating (played by Robson Green). They are supported by a memorable group of characters – Sidney’s assistant, his housekeeper, the girl-who-got-away, and others. The richness of the characters is what has kept me a fan through its three...
I’m a big fan of British period mysteries, and given the harsh reality of the news the past two weeks, I admit to a bit of escapism.
Grantchester is a traditional mystery series – based on the novels by James Runcie – set in the real-life town of Grantchester in Cambridgeshire eight years after the end of World War II. The stories revolve around the vicar, Sidney Chambers (played by James Norton) and his mate, grumpy police inspector Geordie Keating (played by Robson Green). They are supported by a memorable group of characters – Sidney’s assistant, his housekeeper, the girl-who-got-away, and others. The richness of the characters is what has kept me a fan through its three...
Friend Grief and Orlando - Part 2
Jun 22, 2016 by Victoria Noe
thehill.com
As I wrote last week, I had a hard time understanding my feelings when I heard the news of the massacre at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando. Unlike my response to 9/11 – to watch TV for hours at a time trying to make sense of it – I understood why this happened. My response, though, was something that felt a lot like flashbacks. That’s because it was.
What I witnessed over the next week was a replay of the best of what I refer to as ‘the bad old days’: the early days of the AIDS epidemic. That was when I saw the real power of friendship.
Then, like now, many people in the LGBT community...
As I wrote last week, I had a hard time understanding my feelings when I heard the news of the massacre at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando. Unlike my response to 9/11 – to watch TV for hours at a time trying to make sense of it – I understood why this happened. My response, though, was something that felt a lot like flashbacks. That’s because it was.
What I witnessed over the next week was a replay of the best of what I refer to as ‘the bad old days’: the early days of the AIDS epidemic. That was when I saw the real power of friendship.
Then, like now, many people in the LGBT community...
Friend Grief and Orlando
Jun 14, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Like most of you, I woke up Sunday morning to the news of the massacre at Pulse nightclub in Orlando. And although the immediate rush to judgment was that it was a terrorist attack carried out by a young Muslim man, the unfolding truth is more complicated.
As I write this, we’re learning that he was not only infuriated by the sight of two men kissing, but he himself had spent time at the nightclub. He may have had a profile on a gay dating app. The facts are still being revealed. We’ll never really know why.
But one fact is certain: a gay nightclub was targeted. A group of people officially hated by most of the major religions and regularly denounced...
As I write this, we’re learning that he was not only infuriated by the sight of two men kissing, but he himself had spent time at the nightclub. He may have had a profile on a gay dating app. The facts are still being revealed. We’ll never really know why.
But one fact is certain: a gay nightclub was targeted. A group of people officially hated by most of the major religions and regularly denounced...
Nonfiction Book Proposals for Indie Authors?
Jun 07, 2016 by Victoria Noe
She's the expert. Not me.
A few years ago I wrote a nonfiction book proposal to submit to agents. That when I assumed I would go the traditional route. That didn't happen.
Now that I've self-published six books (the Friend Grief series), I'm hard at work on the research for a bigger, more complicated book. Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community examines the contributions they made around the world for the past 35 years.
I’m assuming that this will be self-published as well. I have an ongoing crowdfunding campaign through the New York Foundation for the Arts which grants tax-deductions for all contributions. There’s a lot of expense related to the...
A few years ago I wrote a nonfiction book proposal to submit to agents. That when I assumed I would go the traditional route. That didn't happen.
Now that I've self-published six books (the Friend Grief series), I'm hard at work on the research for a bigger, more complicated book. Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community examines the contributions they made around the world for the past 35 years.
I’m assuming that this will be self-published as well. I have an ongoing crowdfunding campaign through the New York Foundation for the Arts which grants tax-deductions for all contributions. There’s a lot of expense related to the...
Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes
May 31, 2016 by Victoria Noe
It’s here, finally, the last book in the Friend Grief series.
As I've said before, when I started this journey I believed that men would be difficult interviews. I worried that most of those I interviewed would have to be women. I was wrong on both counts. Tomorrow, June 1, is publication day for Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
I wanted to share an excerpt from the book here, but I was conflicted. Should I share the story of the friendship between two Chicago Tribune sports reporters? The three actors? Should I share a little from the chapter I’m most proud of, the one comparing military veterans and long-term survivors in the AIDS community?
In the end, I decided to share the dedication...
As I've said before, when I started this journey I believed that men would be difficult interviews. I worried that most of those I interviewed would have to be women. I was wrong on both counts. Tomorrow, June 1, is publication day for Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
I wanted to share an excerpt from the book here, but I was conflicted. Should I share the story of the friendship between two Chicago Tribune sports reporters? The three actors? Should I share a little from the chapter I’m most proud of, the one comparing military veterans and long-term survivors in the AIDS community?
In the end, I decided to share the dedication...
Memorial Day and Friend Grief
May 24, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Next Monday is Memorial Day. You know what that means: social media filled with pictures of military cemeteries awash in tiny flags. You’ll be asked to like, share and retweet for the entire 3-day weekend. Big sales at the mall. Politicians who routinely vote against veterans’ interests will shower the military with praise, only to forget about them the next day
There are, unfortunately, a lot of fundraising scams out there and many are veteran-related. When I wrote Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends I wanted to have a charity partner: a reputable nonprofit that would benefit from sales of the book.
I found one in Military Outreach USA. Their mission is to empower a Military Caring Network to serve...
There are, unfortunately, a lot of fundraising scams out there and many are veteran-related. When I wrote Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends I wanted to have a charity partner: a reputable nonprofit that would benefit from sales of the book.
I found one in Military Outreach USA. Their mission is to empower a Military Caring Network to serve...
Making the Most of Conferences: #BEA16 Edition
May 17, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Four years ago, when we knew our daughter would be attending The New School University in NYC, I looked forward to combining graduation with Book Expo America. Wouldn’t you know? BEA moved to Chicago (where I live) this year. If you’re reading this, I’m in NYC preparing for graduation later this week. Because of the logistics involved in that and several other things, I spent only one day at BEA last week. So I wanted to share how I managed to get almost everything done that would’ve normally taken all three days.
Luck. Because of the change in venue, a number of people I usually meet up with were not in attendance. The number of attendees, as well as the square-footage...
Luck. Because of the change in venue, a number of people I usually meet up with were not in attendance. The number of attendees, as well as the square-footage...
Friend Grief and Dying Matters
May 10, 2016 by Victoria Noe
“Would you tell me if you were sick?”
We were having one of our occasional lunches in New York, catching up on work and our families. I told him about a conversation I’d had with my best friends from high school: if we were terminally ill, would we share the news with each other?
“I’m not sick,” he insisted, a little horrified that I might think otherwise.
“I didn’t think you were. But would you tell me?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
The stories in the Friend Grief books are all unique, but ultimately fall into two categories: people who were prepared for their friend’s death and those who were not.
Those who had some advance knowledge were not exempt from grief. But they tended to suffer less...
We were having one of our occasional lunches in New York, catching up on work and our families. I told him about a conversation I’d had with my best friends from high school: if we were terminally ill, would we share the news with each other?
“I’m not sick,” he insisted, a little horrified that I might think otherwise.
“I didn’t think you were. But would you tell me?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
The stories in the Friend Grief books are all unique, but ultimately fall into two categories: people who were prepared for their friend’s death and those who were not.
Those who had some advance knowledge were not exempt from grief. But they tended to suffer less...
6 Things I Learned Writing the Friend Grief Books
May 03, 2016 by Victoria Noe
As the Friend Grief series comes to a close, I started feeling a little pensive. It’s been a remarkable journey I could have never predicted, much less planned. So I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned, one thing for each book from last to first:
Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes. I began interviewing men secure in my sexist view that getting stories out of men would be like pulling teeth. I was wrong. So wrong. Incredibly wrong. None of the men I interviewed clammed up, though a couple were slow to open up. Some wanted to be interviewed. Some wanted to be interviewed a second time. All wanted to share...
The End. But Not The End.
Apr 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
There it is. Yeah, the cover of the final book in the Friend Grief series.
Do I like it? Oh, yeah, I like it a lot. My cover designer (Rebecca Swift) never steers me wrong.
But still...it's the last one. It's the last book in the series. I'm about to hit "send" on the final edits, so next week it goes to the formatter. I had planned on it coming out this month, but the universe conspired against me. It'll be out in early May.
The end of the series does not mean the end of my weekly blog. Not by a long shot. I still have plenty to say about grieving the death of a friend. And to be honest, it's not...
Do I like it? Oh, yeah, I like it a lot. My cover designer (Rebecca Swift) never steers me wrong.
But still...it's the last one. It's the last book in the series. I'm about to hit "send" on the final edits, so next week it goes to the formatter. I had planned on it coming out this month, but the universe conspired against me. It'll be out in early May.
The end of the series does not mean the end of my weekly blog. Not by a long shot. I still have plenty to say about grieving the death of a friend. And to be honest, it's not...
Working on Two Books at Once
Apr 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
winghill.com
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
Men Need a Language to Grieve
Apr 12, 2016 by Victoria Noe
The late Steve Montador, whose suicide inspired his friend.
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
Finishing Up Friend Grief
Apr 05, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Jim Eigo, one of the men in the final Friend Grief book
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
Women's History Month - Andrea Johnson
Mar 29, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Andrea Johnson
My final guest blogger for Women’s History Month is Andrea Johnson. As is often the case, we’ve never met IRL (in real life) but our paths have crossed. She found out she was HIV positive in 2007, when she was tested after learning of her ex-husband’s affair. Isolated and depressed, she made the decision to devote her life to reaching out to women most at risk or living with HIV. You will not find a more passionate advocate.
“How do I LOVE a woman living with HIV without acquiring HIV?”
It’s a question I get all too often from men that are HIV negative that find out a woman he may be interested in is HIV positive,...
My final guest blogger for Women’s History Month is Andrea Johnson. As is often the case, we’ve never met IRL (in real life) but our paths have crossed. She found out she was HIV positive in 2007, when she was tested after learning of her ex-husband’s affair. Isolated and depressed, she made the decision to devote her life to reaching out to women most at risk or living with HIV. You will not find a more passionate advocate.
“How do I LOVE a woman living with HIV without acquiring HIV?”
It’s a question I get all too often from men that are HIV negative that find out a woman he may be interested in is HIV positive,...
