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Grief
9/11 + 14
Sep 08, 2015 by Victoria Noe
9/11 Memorial, NYC
Fourteen years is a long time. But this Friday marks fourteen years since the terror attacks of September 11, 2001.
If you’re reading this you probably remember that day. Maybe you heard about it on the radio, or someone woke you to say “Turn on your TV!”. Maybe your building was evacuated or your office shut down.
The cable networks have already started rerunning specials about the attacks, as if you could ever forget what happened that day. But the truth – to the surprise of many of us – is in the numbers.
Fourteen years means students who are in grade school or high school today don’t remember that day; in fact most of them...
Fourteen years is a long time. But this Friday marks fourteen years since the terror attacks of September 11, 2001.
If you’re reading this you probably remember that day. Maybe you heard about it on the radio, or someone woke you to say “Turn on your TV!”. Maybe your building was evacuated or your office shut down.
The cable networks have already started rerunning specials about the attacks, as if you could ever forget what happened that day. But the truth – to the surprise of many of us – is in the numbers.
Fourteen years means students who are in grade school or high school today don’t remember that day; in fact most of them...
When a Coworker Dies
Aug 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Where do you work? In an office? A store? A theatre?
Every workplace has its own culture, its own personality. Some have open floor plans, others a hive of cubicles and offices with closed doors. Some have strict dress codes or time clocks to punch. Others thrive on creative chaos.
But every one of them faces the possibility of a crisis when an employee dies.
How people grieve is individual and personal, so it’s to be expected that there can be conflict when a group of people in a work environment have to deal with a coworker’s death. Every workplace seems to have a few specific personalities.
The Social Director: They organize theme lunches and after-work gatherings. They decorate the office for holidays and...
Every workplace has its own culture, its own personality. Some have open floor plans, others a hive of cubicles and offices with closed doors. Some have strict dress codes or time clocks to punch. Others thrive on creative chaos.
But every one of them faces the possibility of a crisis when an employee dies.
How people grieve is individual and personal, so it’s to be expected that there can be conflict when a group of people in a work environment have to deal with a coworker’s death. Every workplace seems to have a few specific personalities.
The Social Director: They organize theme lunches and after-work gatherings. They decorate the office for holidays and...
Anticipating a Friend's Death
Aug 19, 2015 by Victoria Noe
“Anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss.” – Wikipedia
Last week was one of ‘those’ weeks. I don’t know if it was the alignment of the planets, or global warming or what, but I heard an unusual amount of scary news about friends, including:
One of my mom’s oldest friends had kidney surgery.
One of my college friends had heart surgery.
Another friend announced she is starting chemo soon for liver cancer.
As my husband annoyingly reminds me, we’re at that age when the people around us – not just those older – are dying. That doesn’t make me feel better.
In all the examples above, there was reason to be optimistic. By all accounts, the surgeries were successful. The...
Last week was one of ‘those’ weeks. I don’t know if it was the alignment of the planets, or global warming or what, but I heard an unusual amount of scary news about friends, including:
One of my mom’s oldest friends had kidney surgery.
One of my college friends had heart surgery.
Another friend announced she is starting chemo soon for liver cancer.
As my husband annoyingly reminds me, we’re at that age when the people around us – not just those older – are dying. That doesn’t make me feel better.
In all the examples above, there was reason to be optimistic. By all accounts, the surgeries were successful. The...
Publication Day for Friend Grief
Jul 28, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Today – finally – the latest book in the Friend Grief series is officially available for sale.
Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle is about the impact of friendships we make at work.
As I’ve said before, it’s a very broad definition of workplace. I listed some of them here. But I’d like to share one of the stories, this one about the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team (in the interest of full disclosure, I’m a lifelong fan – but that’s not why they’re in the book). Here’s how some members of the team chose to pay tribute to their friends and teammates:
When Jason Heyward made the opening day roster for the Atlanta Braves, he was asked to...
Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle is about the impact of friendships we make at work.
As I’ve said before, it’s a very broad definition of workplace. I listed some of them here. But I’d like to share one of the stories, this one about the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team (in the interest of full disclosure, I’m a lifelong fan – but that’s not why they’re in the book). Here’s how some members of the team chose to pay tribute to their friends and teammates:
When Jason Heyward made the opening day roster for the Atlanta Braves, he was asked to...
Men, Their Friends, and Grief
Jul 22, 2015 by Victoria Noe
www.dailytelegraph.com.au
Mars and Venus.
We’ve heard a lot over the years about the differences between men and women. Even my mother has a saying: “Men are not like normal people.” It’s easy to be sexist about men, especially when it comes to their emotions.
I learned very early on in my work on the Friend Grief series that I was as much to blame as anyone in having those opinions. In fact, I was proved wrong so dramatically that I wrote a mea culpa for The Good Men Project.
That’s why, as you may remember, I decided that the final book in the Friend Grief series would be about them: Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
The biggest stereotype, of course,...
Mars and Venus.
We’ve heard a lot over the years about the differences between men and women. Even my mother has a saying: “Men are not like normal people.” It’s easy to be sexist about men, especially when it comes to their emotions.
I learned very early on in my work on the Friend Grief series that I was as much to blame as anyone in having those opinions. In fact, I was proved wrong so dramatically that I wrote a mea culpa for The Good Men Project.
That’s why, as you may remember, I decided that the final book in the Friend Grief series would be about them: Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
The biggest stereotype, of course,...
Friend Grief and Reunions
Jul 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Roses at our mass
Summer is reunion time. I have friends who are preparing for their high school reunions.
My 45th was last month, and for the first time, I missed it. I helped organize the 6 year reunion (somehow the whole fifth year got away from us), and attended the 10th, 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th and 40th. Honestly, they’re a lot more fun as time goes on.
But at each reunion, we pause to remember classmates who had died. Sometimes the death is very recent; usually there’s been some time since it happened. If it’s someone we’ve lost touch with, it feels more shocking.
My 35th was the most emotional for me. My father – who adored the nuns...
Summer is reunion time. I have friends who are preparing for their high school reunions.
My 45th was last month, and for the first time, I missed it. I helped organize the 6 year reunion (somehow the whole fifth year got away from us), and attended the 10th, 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th and 40th. Honestly, they’re a lot more fun as time goes on.
But at each reunion, we pause to remember classmates who had died. Sometimes the death is very recent; usually there’s been some time since it happened. If it’s someone we’ve lost touch with, it feels more shocking.
My 35th was the most emotional for me. My father – who adored the nuns...
Friend Grief Presentations
Jul 07, 2015 by Victoria Noe
bandni.co.uk
I attended a writers’ conference a few years ago. I was particularly looking forward to one presentation. The speaker – who shall remain nameless – was someone I’d been following for a while on Twitter. Occasionally sarcastic, his tweets were always entertaining and full of great tips. We gathered in the ballroom and he opened his mouth.
Not many speakers have ever disappointed me as much as he did. While his online persona was larger-than-life, in person he was the opposite. He rarely made eye contact with his audience as he read from his script. He could barely be heard, as he did not make good use of the microphone. Unlike some people, I stayed for the...
I attended a writers’ conference a few years ago. I was particularly looking forward to one presentation. The speaker – who shall remain nameless – was someone I’d been following for a while on Twitter. Occasionally sarcastic, his tweets were always entertaining and full of great tips. We gathered in the ballroom and he opened his mouth.
Not many speakers have ever disappointed me as much as he did. While his online persona was larger-than-life, in person he was the opposite. He rarely made eye contact with his audience as he read from his script. He could barely be heard, as he did not make good use of the microphone. Unlike some people, I stayed for the...
Daddy's Friends
Jun 16, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Our dance at my wedding
I’ve written before about my father’s friends. But today is ten years since he died, and I’ve been thinking more about men’s friendships.
I remember those men when I was growing up: loud, sometimes profane, argumentative and fun. I was born in the 50’s; I still call then “Mister”. I never felt comfortable calling them by their first names.
You know how it is with the generation older than you: they’ve always been around and you assume they always will be. But, of course, that’s not true.
Daddy was the first in his group to die, a few weeks before his 77th birthday. I don’t know how much they talked about his illness when I...
I’ve written before about my father’s friends. But today is ten years since he died, and I’ve been thinking more about men’s friendships.
I remember those men when I was growing up: loud, sometimes profane, argumentative and fun. I was born in the 50’s; I still call then “Mister”. I never felt comfortable calling them by their first names.
You know how it is with the generation older than you: they’ve always been around and you assume they always will be. But, of course, that’s not true.
Daddy was the first in his group to die, a few weeks before his 77th birthday. I don’t know how much they talked about his illness when I...
Friend Grief in the Workplace
Jun 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
If it seems to you like my next book – Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle - has been in the works forever, well, it feels that way to me, too. I can’t remember when my original publication date was, other than it was 2014. But it’s finally happening, and I’m ready to share some specifics.
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
Tracy Morgan's Friend Grief
Jun 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
"Bones heal, but the loss of my friend will never heal."
You probably know Tracy Morgan as the talented comedian on 30 Rock. But his life changed forever almost a year ago, June 7, 2014, when his limo was rear-ended by a Walmart truck. The accident killed his friend, comic James McNair, and left Morgan with debilitating injuries.
Last week he appeared on the Today Show, for an emotional interview with Matt Lauer. I'm not going to repeat much of it. It's much more powerful watching Morgan speak of his amazement at surviving, as well as his gratitude to the medical staff, his family and friends. How he struggled to understand what happened is very touching.
I know when something bad has happened...
You probably know Tracy Morgan as the talented comedian on 30 Rock. But his life changed forever almost a year ago, June 7, 2014, when his limo was rear-ended by a Walmart truck. The accident killed his friend, comic James McNair, and left Morgan with debilitating injuries.
Last week he appeared on the Today Show, for an emotional interview with Matt Lauer. I'm not going to repeat much of it. It's much more powerful watching Morgan speak of his amazement at surviving, as well as his gratitude to the medical staff, his family and friends. How he struggled to understand what happened is very touching.
I know when something bad has happened...
News about Friend Grief and AIDS
Mar 29, 2015 by Victoria Noe
It’s that time of year again! I’m pleased to announce the 2015 update of Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends.Each year about this time I update the resources and statistics in my book. That's one of the advantages of publishing today - nothing ever has to be out-of-date.You can find the updated ebook on Kindle, Nookand Kobo. The updated paperback will be available in about a week.If you have a previous version, just go to the AIDS UPDATE page here for new information on the epidemic.And as always, 25% of the retail price is donated to one of my favorite organizations in the fight against the epidemic: Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.
Laurel: A Guest Post by Fred Eberle
Mar 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Lauren Cronin & Fred EberleI’ve known Fred Eberle since 1989, when I was on staff at Chicago House and he was one of my most dedicated volunteers. He is, without a doubt, one of the most talented, generous, thoughtful men I’ve ever known (he's blushing right now, trust me). I’m so pleased that he agreed to share this story of one of the most important friendships of his life.My friend, Laurel was…a force of nature. When she entered a room her energy and charisma filled the space. Laurel Cronin was a brilliant actress and director, and when she was onstage it was hard to watch anyone else. It wasn’t that she intentionally pulled focus; she drew it to her. From the...
Brain Injury Awareness Week
Mar 17, 2015 by Victoria Noe
For most people, March 17 is a day to celebrate being – or pretending to be – Irish. For me, though, it’s the anniversary of a day that changed my life.On St. Patrick’s Day, 2009, I was sitting at a red light when I was rear-ended (no alcohol involved). It was not the first time it happened to me, but this time turned out to be very different. I became one of the 2.3 million people who suffer a traumatic brain injury each year.The car sustained very minor damage. I had terrible head pain, but again, I didn’t think much of it. That evening, I was nauseous. I assumed I was just upset about the accident. I know full well...
National Women and Girls' HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Mar 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
I was on staff at Chicago House when we opened the city’s first hospice for people with AIDS in January, 1990. At that time, there was only one funeral home that would accept the bodies. Nursing homes and stand-alone hospices refused anyone dying of AIDS. Sympathy was extended only for those who contracted the virus in a way that defined them as “innocent victims”: blood transfusions or birth. It was a beautiful old house near the lake shore, donated to our organization. The doctor who lived next door was opposed to it, but once he understood that people would arrive in an ambulance and leave in a hearse (unlike crowds lined up for the overnight shelter he imagined it to...
"You have been - and always shall be - my friend"
Mar 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Nimoy at Phoenix Comicon
Unless you live under a rock, you know that actor Leonard Nimoy, the Vulcan first officer Mr. Spock on the original Star Trek series, died at the age of 83. And though he was surrounded by his family when he died, they were not the people the media reached out to first. They were not the people his long-time fans wanted to hear from. They wanted to hear from his friends.
Most of those who were interviewed were former cast-mates on Star Trek, along with others who worked with him in his impressive career on stage, television and film. Many found it challenging to express their grief for a man they counted as their friend for decades.
Not everyone – even celebrities – can...
Coming Soon to Friend Grief
Feb 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Have you been busy? I sure have. And that means there’s a lot coming soon here on Friend Grief in the next few weeks:The re-release of Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends with updated statistics and resources for 2015. As always, 25% of the retail price of ebook and paperback versions will benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.The release of the fifth book in the series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle(cover reveal next week).Another great guest post for your enjoyment.The debut of my new, full website, VictoriaNoe.com. (Don’t get excited – it’s not live yet) The new website will include this blog, along with lots of added content:Discussion questions for each bookA...
Grieving Your Friends on Facebook
Feb 18, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Last week two separate articles caught my eye.The first was the announcement by Facebookthat users could now designate an “executor” to manage your account after you die.I’ve written before about friend grief and Facebook: finding out about a friend’s death, setting up a tribute page, and the shock of seeing a notice of their upcoming birthday. You'll see a few links at the bottom of this post.For years, surviving friends and family members have struggled with what to do about the deceased’s online accounts. Sometimes it’s the challenge of finding the password that no one else knew. Sometimes it’s proving to Facebook that that person died and their page should be archived. In addition, multiple tribute pages can pop up...
Friend Grief and…Valentine’s Day?
Feb 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Good. I got your attention.Valentine’s Day is certainly not a day we associate with friends. It’s one designed to guilt-trip us into spending lots of money on flowers, candy, dinner, lingerie, etc. to share with a romantic partner. Friends? Not so much.I remember when I was younger, that I hated the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. The holidays were all about families, and I was single. The last holiday was the worst, because the expectations were so ridiculously unrealistic. So let’s ignore all the hype and guilt and consider our friends.I don’t know about you, but I found 2014 to be an unusually challenging year. So did a lot of my friends. Relationships, finances, health, or a combination of...
The Story of a Pink Cloud – Guest Blogger Rebecca Bricker
Feb 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Rebecca BrickerMy friendship with Rebecca Bricker is like many of those in the 21st century: online. We met four years ago (time flies when you’re having fun). We’ve never met in real life, though she may meet my daughter soon.The story of how she wound up living in Tuscany is both funny and compelling. No, she’s not the author of Under the Tuscan Sun, but her Tales from Tavanti is every bit as entertaining.If you’re like me, certain things will trigger the memory of a friend who died. For example, whenever I see a steel-grey PT Cruiser, I assume it’s Delle behind the wheel. Rebecca Bricker has a very deliberate ritual to ensure that she’ll remember.My thanks to Rebecca for...
Friend Grief and Shaming
Jan 27, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Nicholas Kristof - NY TimesI’m not sure when it began, this need to feel morally superior. But we see it everywhere. “My beliefs/race/gender/income/profession make me better than you” permeates our society. And sadly, we even see it when we grieve our friends.Perhaps it’s as simple as a need to find a logical explanation for something that doesn’t make sense. Assigning blame makes us feel a little better about what happened. Some of the responses I’ve heard when sharing the news of a friend’s death are:“A bodybuilder? Steroids, huh?”“Melanoma? Did they go to tanning salons a lot?”“Heart attack? Well, they were overweight.”“AIDS? They must’ve slept around.”Your first reaction may be to dispute their assumptions. Or you may feel ashamed that they...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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