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Grief
Friend Grief and Orlando
Jun 14, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Like most of you, I woke up Sunday morning to the news of the massacre at Pulse nightclub in Orlando. And although the immediate rush to judgment was that it was a terrorist attack carried out by a young Muslim man, the unfolding truth is more complicated.
As I write this, we’re learning that he was not only infuriated by the sight of two men kissing, but he himself had spent time at the nightclub. He may have had a profile on a gay dating app. The facts are still being revealed. We’ll never really know why.
But one fact is certain: a gay nightclub was targeted. A group of people officially hated by most of the major religions and regularly denounced...
As I write this, we’re learning that he was not only infuriated by the sight of two men kissing, but he himself had spent time at the nightclub. He may have had a profile on a gay dating app. The facts are still being revealed. We’ll never really know why.
But one fact is certain: a gay nightclub was targeted. A group of people officially hated by most of the major religions and regularly denounced...
Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes
May 31, 2016 by Victoria Noe
It’s here, finally, the last book in the Friend Grief series.
As I've said before, when I started this journey I believed that men would be difficult interviews. I worried that most of those I interviewed would have to be women. I was wrong on both counts. Tomorrow, June 1, is publication day for Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
I wanted to share an excerpt from the book here, but I was conflicted. Should I share the story of the friendship between two Chicago Tribune sports reporters? The three actors? Should I share a little from the chapter I’m most proud of, the one comparing military veterans and long-term survivors in the AIDS community?
In the end, I decided to share the dedication...
As I've said before, when I started this journey I believed that men would be difficult interviews. I worried that most of those I interviewed would have to be women. I was wrong on both counts. Tomorrow, June 1, is publication day for Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
I wanted to share an excerpt from the book here, but I was conflicted. Should I share the story of the friendship between two Chicago Tribune sports reporters? The three actors? Should I share a little from the chapter I’m most proud of, the one comparing military veterans and long-term survivors in the AIDS community?
In the end, I decided to share the dedication...
Friend Grief and Dying Matters
May 10, 2016 by Victoria Noe
“Would you tell me if you were sick?”
We were having one of our occasional lunches in New York, catching up on work and our families. I told him about a conversation I’d had with my best friends from high school: if we were terminally ill, would we share the news with each other?
“I’m not sick,” he insisted, a little horrified that I might think otherwise.
“I didn’t think you were. But would you tell me?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
The stories in the Friend Grief books are all unique, but ultimately fall into two categories: people who were prepared for their friend’s death and those who were not.
Those who had some advance knowledge were not exempt from grief. But they tended to suffer less...
We were having one of our occasional lunches in New York, catching up on work and our families. I told him about a conversation I’d had with my best friends from high school: if we were terminally ill, would we share the news with each other?
“I’m not sick,” he insisted, a little horrified that I might think otherwise.
“I didn’t think you were. But would you tell me?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
The stories in the Friend Grief books are all unique, but ultimately fall into two categories: people who were prepared for their friend’s death and those who were not.
Those who had some advance knowledge were not exempt from grief. But they tended to suffer less...
6 Things I Learned Writing the Friend Grief Books
May 03, 2016 by Victoria Noe
As the Friend Grief series comes to a close, I started feeling a little pensive. It’s been a remarkable journey I could have never predicted, much less planned. So I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned, one thing for each book from last to first:
Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes. I began interviewing men secure in my sexist view that getting stories out of men would be like pulling teeth. I was wrong. So wrong. Incredibly wrong. None of the men I interviewed clammed up, though a couple were slow to open up. Some wanted to be interviewed. Some wanted to be interviewed a second time. All wanted to share...
Working on Two Books at Once
Apr 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
winghill.com
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
Men Need a Language to Grieve
Apr 12, 2016 by Victoria Noe
The late Steve Montador, whose suicide inspired his friend.
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
Finishing Up Friend Grief
Apr 05, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Jim Eigo, one of the men in the final Friend Grief book
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
"He's A Man"
Feb 23, 2016 by Victoria Noe
worldtraveltribe.com
Vice President Joe Biden has long been known as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Sometimes that results in public statements that are uncensored. You rarely get the feeling with him that his speeches are canned, rehearsed, carefully vetted. That can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your politics.
Author Mark Liebenow wrote recently about why Biden’s public grief about his son was important. Of the five reasons he gave, the first was of great interest to me:
“He’s a man.”
The final book in the Friend Grief series comes out in April. Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes will introduce you to a lot of guys like Joe Biden. They are a wide...
Vice President Joe Biden has long been known as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Sometimes that results in public statements that are uncensored. You rarely get the feeling with him that his speeches are canned, rehearsed, carefully vetted. That can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your politics.
Author Mark Liebenow wrote recently about why Biden’s public grief about his son was important. Of the five reasons he gave, the first was of great interest to me:
“He’s a man.”
The final book in the Friend Grief series comes out in April. Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes will introduce you to a lot of guys like Joe Biden. They are a wide...
The Show Must Go On
Feb 03, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Coming from a theatre background, I learned early on that ‘the show must go on’. Once I had a severe allergic reaction a few hours before going onstage. I made it through the show, though I couldn’t sing worth a damn.
If you watched the amazing live production of Grease that aired Sunday night, you probably heard about Vanessa Hudgens, who played Rizzo: her father died less than 24 hours before the broadcast. She went on as scheduled and the whole show was dedicated to him.
Less than a week after my father died, I was 400 miles away making a presentation at a national conference. I didn’t want to be there. The organizers assured me I didn’t have to be there....
Less than a week after my father died, I was 400 miles away making a presentation at a national conference. I didn’t want to be there. The organizers assured me I didn’t have to be there....
Time for an Update!
Jan 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
It’s time for a bit of an update:
First, I’ve set a tentative release date of April 12 for the final book in my series, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes. I’m very pleased with the way it’s shaping up and I think you will be, too. If you subscribe to my weekly newsletter, you’re eligible to receive a free copy. Just sign up in the upper right hand corner of this page.
Once that’s released, the entire Friend Grief series of six books will be available in a bundle.
I have two events coming up in February. In Chicago I’ll be presenting “Public Speaking for Shy Authors” for the Chicago Self-Publishing Meetup Group. I’m also one of the speakers for “The Library...
Giving a Eulogy for a Friend
Jan 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
In the final book in my series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – you’ll meet a man who gave the eulogy for his best friend. Neither man was old. In fact, both were 29. It wasn’t a task anyone expects to be given at that age.
I’m quite a bit older than that but it’s been a while since I spoke at a funeral or memorial service: almost eleven years. So I didn’t expect to be asked to speak at the memorial for my writing group leader, Jo Stewart. I’d already written about her here, a post that her daughter shared on Facebook. That was that, I thought. Then I got the email inviting me to speak. We agreed...
I’m quite a bit older than that but it’s been a while since I spoke at a funeral or memorial service: almost eleven years. So I didn’t expect to be asked to speak at the memorial for my writing group leader, Jo Stewart. I’d already written about her here, a post that her daughter shared on Facebook. That was that, I thought. Then I got the email inviting me to speak. We agreed...
Respecting a Dying Friend's Wishes
Jan 13, 2016 by Victoria Noe
David Bowie's final photo by Jeremy King
Unless you were in a cave on Monday, you heard of the unexpected death of David Bowie. Though he wasn’t one of my top ten favorite performers, I respected his talent and unconventional approach to his craft. “Did you like David Bowie?” I was asked. “Which one?” I replied. He was fearless in his artistic pursuits and, as it turned out, his death.
He did something that I’ve discussed here before. I asked several friends if they would tell me if they were dying. Most said they would. Some said absolutely not and refused to elaborate. Surprisingly, no one asked me (that’s a topic for a future post).
It was his decision...
Unless you were in a cave on Monday, you heard of the unexpected death of David Bowie. Though he wasn’t one of my top ten favorite performers, I respected his talent and unconventional approach to his craft. “Did you like David Bowie?” I was asked. “Which one?” I replied. He was fearless in his artistic pursuits and, as it turned out, his death.
He did something that I’ve discussed here before. I asked several friends if they would tell me if they were dying. Most said they would. Some said absolutely not and refused to elaborate. Surprisingly, no one asked me (that’s a topic for a future post).
It was his decision...
Friend Grief and Men (ACT UP Edition)
Dec 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Jim Eigo receiving his award from Stephen Spinella
One of the men you’ll meet in the final book of my series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is Jim Eigo.
When I walked into my first ACT UP/NY meeting almost three years ago, Jim was the guy who waved me over to an empty chair in the circle. That kindness morphed into a friendship I treasure.
He has a long resume, which I’m sure was recounted when he was honored at Treatment Action Group’s (TAG) Research in Action Awards on Sunday night in New York. Playwright, editor, writer, activist: words that cannot convey the depth of his talent and commitment to fighting the epidemic that is now...
One of the men you’ll meet in the final book of my series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is Jim Eigo.
When I walked into my first ACT UP/NY meeting almost three years ago, Jim was the guy who waved me over to an empty chair in the circle. That kindness morphed into a friendship I treasure.
He has a long resume, which I’m sure was recounted when he was honored at Treatment Action Group’s (TAG) Research in Action Awards on Sunday night in New York. Playwright, editor, writer, activist: words that cannot convey the depth of his talent and commitment to fighting the epidemic that is now...
That's What Friends Are For
Nov 17, 2015 by Victoria Noe
My brain is in a fog.
I’ve spent most of the last week trying to process news that I could’ve never anticipated:
I attended a luncheon where Caitlin Jenner was the speaker. She told why she decided not to commit suicide, when in fact, that would’ve been easier than coming out as transgender. She also spoke of the extremes that the paparazzi will go to, extremes she was able to occasionally thwart by wearing the same clothes several days in a row (they can’t sell photos to the tabloids if she looks the same as the day before). The horrific attacks in Paris. My daughter studied there for four months earlier this year, arriving just 10 days after the Charlie Hebdo attacks....
I’ve spent most of the last week trying to process news that I could’ve never anticipated:
I attended a luncheon where Caitlin Jenner was the speaker. She told why she decided not to commit suicide, when in fact, that would’ve been easier than coming out as transgender. She also spoke of the extremes that the paparazzi will go to, extremes she was able to occasionally thwart by wearing the same clothes several days in a row (they can’t sell photos to the tabloids if she looks the same as the day before). The horrific attacks in Paris. My daughter studied there for four months earlier this year, arriving just 10 days after the Charlie Hebdo attacks....
Veterans and Friend Grief
Nov 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
A lot of people confuse Veterans Day and Memorial Day. Memorial Day is when we remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice, dying for their country. Veterans Day is when we honor all the men and women who served.
Some veterans – particularly older ones – enjoy being told “Thank you for your service.” Many younger ones, though, do not. They feel it’s an empty compliment, given by people who have sacrificed nothing. When you thank them for their service, they hear “thanks for doing what I wouldn’t do.”
The topic came up recently at a moral injury symposium in Chicago. The room was filled with veterans and those who serve them at the VA and various nonprofit organizations, including the event...
Some veterans – particularly older ones – enjoy being told “Thank you for your service.” Many younger ones, though, do not. They feel it’s an empty compliment, given by people who have sacrificed nothing. When you thank them for their service, they hear “thanks for doing what I wouldn’t do.”
The topic came up recently at a moral injury symposium in Chicago. The room was filled with veterans and those who serve them at the VA and various nonprofit organizations, including the event...
To Absent Friends (You Know Who You Are)
Nov 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Delle
This week, the first week of November, a very special festival is taking place in Scotland called “To Absent Friends…” I suppose it’s no coincidence that the week begins with All Saints Day. But what I quickly realized was that it ends on November 7th, which this year is the 9th anniversary of my friend, Delle Chatman’s death.
The 7th was a Tuesday, election day. I knew she was close to death: earlier that day, her brother was writing her obituary. After dinner, I sat at the dining room table with my laptop open, waiting for the news I dreaded. But I didn’t wait long. Instead I went upstairs to watch the election results. The next morning...
This week, the first week of November, a very special festival is taking place in Scotland called “To Absent Friends…” I suppose it’s no coincidence that the week begins with All Saints Day. But what I quickly realized was that it ends on November 7th, which this year is the 9th anniversary of my friend, Delle Chatman’s death.
The 7th was a Tuesday, election day. I knew she was close to death: earlier that day, her brother was writing her obituary. After dinner, I sat at the dining room table with my laptop open, waiting for the news I dreaded. But I didn’t wait long. Instead I went upstairs to watch the election results. The next morning...
Why Writers Should Step Away from the Computer
Oct 27, 2015 by Victoria Noe
My table at the Illinois Libraries conference
Now and then online I come across conversations where writers bemoan the current state of publishing, which requires them (no matter how they are published) to market themselves. They are expected to host websites, build their platforms, tweet, post, comment, share. For those of us who are used to being self-employed, marketing is a normal part of doing business. But for others – who just want to write! – it’s a challenge and a burden that’s sometimes resented.
I’m not one of them. I could blame it on having a master’s degree in theatre, or just that I like talking. But I hope that if you’re a writer who doesn’t like...
Now and then online I come across conversations where writers bemoan the current state of publishing, which requires them (no matter how they are published) to market themselves. They are expected to host websites, build their platforms, tweet, post, comment, share. For those of us who are used to being self-employed, marketing is a normal part of doing business. But for others – who just want to write! – it’s a challenge and a burden that’s sometimes resented.
I’m not one of them. I could blame it on having a master’s degree in theatre, or just that I like talking. But I hope that if you’re a writer who doesn’t like...
Fasten Your Seat Belt!
Sep 29, 2015 by Victoria Noe
There’s so much news to share with you and a lot of it has been happening quickly. So fasten your seat belt while I bring you up to date on what I’m doing.
First of all, do you see the upper right hand corner of your screen, where is says “subscribe to my newsletter’? You really want to do that. Subscribing to my short and sweet Wednesday newsletter means you get all the good stuff first. Not only that, but subscribers receive a pdf copy of my latest book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, free. Yes, free, but that’s an offer that will not last much longer.
Back to the news. Here’s what I can share and...
First of all, do you see the upper right hand corner of your screen, where is says “subscribe to my newsletter’? You really want to do that. Subscribing to my short and sweet Wednesday newsletter means you get all the good stuff first. Not only that, but subscribers receive a pdf copy of my latest book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, free. Yes, free, but that’s an offer that will not last much longer.
Back to the news. Here’s what I can share and...
Ghost Friends
Sep 22, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Looks like the car I saw.
It happened again.
It’s probably happened to you, too.
I was walking towards the elevators at the Marriott Marquis in Washington, DC, between sessions at the US Conference on AIDS. For some reason, in the crush of people, one man caught my eye.
I gasped. It was someone I used to work for, except it wasn’t possible: that guy died over twenty years ago.
One of the men I interviewed for my next book, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes, talked about seeing ghosts. When he walks down certain streets he’s transported back to when his friends lived and worked there, men who have been dead for decades.
The conference felt a little like that anyway....
It happened again.
It’s probably happened to you, too.
I was walking towards the elevators at the Marriott Marquis in Washington, DC, between sessions at the US Conference on AIDS. For some reason, in the crush of people, one man caught my eye.
I gasped. It was someone I used to work for, except it wasn’t possible: that guy died over twenty years ago.
One of the men I interviewed for my next book, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes, talked about seeing ghosts. When he walks down certain streets he’s transported back to when his friends lived and worked there, men who have been dead for decades.
The conference felt a little like that anyway....
Sometimes Your Calling Chooses You
Sep 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Last week I spent four days in Washington at the US Conference on AIDS. I’ve attended single-day conferences and meetings in the AIDS community over the years. But the last time I attended a multi-day conference was also in Washington, DC. It was an advocacy conference where we were lobbying for the authorization of the first Ryan White Care Act, now 25 years old (and in danger of being defunded, but that’s another story).
The theme of the event was “The Numbers Don’t Lie: It’s Time to End Disparities”. We heard a lot about how the South represents 1/3 of the population of the US, but 50% of those living with HIV or AIDS. We witnessed a powerful #TransLivesMatter demonstration during...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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