Victoria Noe

Award-winning Author, Speaker, Activist

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Another Celebrity Friend Dies

Another Celebrity Friend Dies
Feb 24, 2019 by Victoria Noe
I confess to being fascinated by the response when a celebrity dies. Few, if any, of those posting online tributes had ever met that person, much less counted them as a friend. But they still considered that person to be at least ‘like’ a friend.

When David Bowie and Prince died, the tributes went on for months. People shared their favorite songs and what the music meant to them. Some even changed their avatars, in honor. I suppose that was understandable: Bowie and Prince were superstars, well-known around the world, with long, ground-breaking careers.  So it surprised me this week when the death of a lesser star provoked almost equally strong sentiments.

Peter Tork was part of a 1966 phenomenon: The Monkees....

Birthday Reminders…For Dead Friends

Birthday Reminders…For Dead Friends
Oct 20, 2015 by Victoria Noe
I noticed some time ago that Facebook had added a cute emoji: whenever a friend had a birthday, their name would appear with a little birthday cake next to it. For those times when I forgot a birthday, it seemed like a sweet, non-judgmental reminder (unlike those “Shelly has a birthday today” notifications).

I was making use of that birthday cake reminder to write on someone’s page when I noticed the “upcoming birthdays” suggestion. I have a lot of friends with birthdays in October, so it seemed like a good idea to make sure I didn’t forget anyone. And that’s when I saw it: Dan’s birthday is Thursday.

Dan was a guy I dated in high school, one of the sweetest guys...

Spending Time with Friends After They Die

Spending Time with Friends After They Die
Aug 11, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Marquis de Lafayette, by Francesco-Guiseppe Casanova, New-York Historical Society

I've lost a couple friends who occasionally make their presence known. Pierre died last year, at the age of 89.

In late May, I was excited to be in New York for Book Expo America because it meant I could see the fabulous Hirschfeld Century exhibit on the life and work of Al Hirschfeld at the New-York Historical Society. N-YHS has become one of my favorite places to explore since I did some research there for Friend Grief in the Military: Band of Friends.

Pierre was obsessed with the life of the Marie Joseph Paul Ives Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, the boy general who, at 19, arrived from...

Publication Day for Friend Grief

Publication Day for Friend Grief
Jul 28, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Today – finally – the latest book in the Friend Grief series is officially available for sale.

Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle is about the impact of friendships we make at work.

As I’ve said before, it’s a very broad definition of workplace. I listed some of them here. But I’d like to share one of the stories, this one about the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team (in the interest of full disclosure, I’m a lifelong fan – but that’s not why they’re in the book). Here’s how some members of the team chose to pay tribute to their friends and teammates:

When Jason Heyward made the opening day roster for the Atlanta Braves, he was asked to...

Friend Grief and Reunions

Friend Grief and Reunions
Jul 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Roses at our mass

Summer is reunion time. I have friends who are preparing for their high school reunions.

My 45th was last month, and for the first time, I missed it. I helped organize the 6 year reunion (somehow the whole fifth year got away from us), and attended the 10th, 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th and 40th. Honestly, they’re a lot more fun as time goes on.

But at each reunion, we pause to remember classmates who had died. Sometimes the death is very recent; usually there’s been some time since it happened. If it’s someone we’ve lost touch with, it feels more shocking.

My 35th was the most emotional for me. My father – who adored the nuns...

Daddy's Friends

Daddy's Friends
Jun 16, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Our dance at my wedding

I’ve written before about my father’s friends. But today is ten years since he died, and I’ve been thinking more about men’s friendships.

I remember those men when I was growing up: loud, sometimes profane, argumentative and fun. I was born in the 50’s; I still call then “Mister”. I never felt comfortable calling them by their first names.

You know how it is with the generation older than you: they’ve always been around and you assume they always will be. But, of course, that’s not true.

Daddy was the first in his group to die, a few weeks before his 77th birthday. I don’t know how much they talked about his illness when I...

Friends Shut Out on 9/11

Friends Shut Out on 9/11
Sep 12, 2014 by Victoria Noe
Across from Zuccotti ParkYesterday was the 13th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I've attended the observances in New York twice: the 9th and 10th anniversaries. This year, I attended again. And my, how things have changed.On the two previous occasions I was here on 9/11, there were accommodations for the general public (i.e., anyone not a family member): loudspeakers on Broadway and around the site so the crowds could hear the prayers and names read. On the 10th anniversary, Jumbotrons were set up so we could watch, as well. This year...not so much.As is my habit, I got down the lower Manhattan early, so I could scope out what was going on. I had to keep reminding myself that I...

Friends and/or Loved Ones

Friends and/or Loved Ones
Dec 18, 2013 by Victoria Noe
If you’re like me, you’ve been through your share of wakes and funerals. Although every culture has their own traditions, one is universal: the role of a friend. Family members are typically at the center of the grief universe. They’re the ones notifying the world, making arrangements, dealing with logistics. But I think we can all agree on what most people expect friends of the deceased to do: support the family. Just support the family.I saw a lot of exceptions to this when I worked in the AIDS community. People, whose families had rejected and abandoned them, even as they were dying, relied on their friends for everything. But generally speaking, if a friend of yours dies, you’re relegated...

Another Hero Remembering His Friends

Another Hero Remembering His Friends
Oct 16, 2013 by Victoria Noe
Capt. William SwensonPhoto: Washington PostNearly lost is in the chaos coming out of Washington, DC, was the most important event of the week: Army Capt. William Swenson was awarded the Medal of Honor.Swenson is the subject of some controversy. His believes his criticism of Army superiors, for not providing sufficient air and artillery support during the 2009 Gangjal battle, delayed his award for years (the Army said his nomination packet was lost in their computer for 19 months). You may remember former Marine Cpl. Dakota Meyer, who also won the Medal of Honor for the same battle. Swenson questions Meyer’s account of that battle, so it was no surprise that Meyer didn’t show up at the White House yesterday. Two...

Changing Your Focus After Losing a Friend

Changing Your Focus After Losing a Friend
Jun 29, 2012 by Victoria Noe
You probably went through – or are going through – a very dark period of time after your friend died. Maybe you felt guilt or regret or rage or just a heavy, heavy sadness.For some people a light bulb goes off.You can call it a wake-up call, a sign from God, a slap in the face. But sometimes it takes the death of a friend to get you moving in a different direction.It seems to happen most when the friend is your age or younger. You see the lost potential of their life, and it makes you look at yours: potential and life.You may have been vaguely restless before all this happened. You may have been quite content with...

Little Ways to Remember Your Friend

Little Ways to Remember Your Friend
Jun 28, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Some of the people profiled here in Friend Grief have done big, impressive things after their friend died. Maybe they founded a charity or made big changes in their own lives. Not everyone can do something big and expensive. Not everyone wants to. And often, it’s the little things that count.Here are a few ideas of things you can do to remember your friend: -Visit their grave, or have flowers sent there on a day that was special only to the two of you.-If a memorial Facebook page was set up for them, post a comment, just to say you’re thinking about them.-Play a song that reminds you of them.-Go someplace you used to go together. Don’t be surprised...

How Do You Honor Your Friend?

How Do You Honor Your Friend?
Jun 22, 2012 by Victoria Noe
ehow.comFor the next few posts, I’m going to look at the ways some people have honored a friend who has died. In many ways, this blog is a way for me to honor a friend. Before she died, I promised my friend, Delle Chatman, that I’d write a book about what people go through when their friends die. She was enthusiastic and supportive, as always. It took almost 3 years to finally get going, but later this summer, I’ll be self-publishing a small e-book, My Best Friend Died and No One Gives a Damn. The bigger book is still in progress, though it’s getting close. She’s taken over my life, changing my career path in a very unexpected way....

Have You Lost a Best Friend?

Have You Lost a Best Friend?
May 09, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Dr. Karen Gail LewisI’ve been clear that Friend Grief is a place for those who have grieved the death of a friend to find others who have ‘been there, done that’. It’s helpful, but it’s not meant to be a therapy session (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Sometimes all you need to help you get through this kind of grief is the knowledge that you are not alone.Dr. Beth EricksonBut there are times when you would benefit from talking to a professional. So I’m pleased to let you know about a teleseminar being held tomorrow (May 10) on the topic of losing a best friend:Maybe your friend is still very much alive, but for whatever reason, you’re estranged....

What To Do With Survivor Guilt

Apr 18, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Old friends on the park bench“I had no idea he was so unhappy.”That’s a line from The Big Chill, when Alex’s friends are trying to make sense of his suicide. But it was echoed in a phone interview I did this morning.We had spoken earlier in the week, about one of his friends who died a long time ago. But today we talked about two other friends who died since then. A group of them had spent the weekend at a reunion, and from all accounts, had a great time. So it came as a complete shock when two weeks later, one of them committed suicide.“I had no idea he was so troubled,” was the observation. The friend had a...

Friend Grief When a Colleague Dies

Friend Grief When a Colleague Dies
Feb 17, 2012 by Victoria Noe
Jeff Zaslow and The Girls from AmesIn the course of your working life, you will have worked with hundreds, maybe thousands of people.Co-workers may play in the same band, or share a claustrophobic cubicle. They may work on a project together, or just pass by in the hallway. They may share living quarters, like firefighters or monks. They may work together for weeks or months or years.Not all co-workers are friends: many are rivals. But often shared experiences, born from impossible deadlines or the excitement of creating something special, forge lifelong friendships.Several people I’ve interviewed for my book have talked about their grief at losing a colleague. Others are talking about it this week, with news of the deaths of...

Remembering Your Friends…In a Eulogy

Remembering Your Friends…In a Eulogy
Jan 06, 2012 by Victoria Noe
This week I said that we’d be looking at some of the many ways we can remember a friend who has died. One way is through words, specifically in their eulogy. I’ve been to too many funerals where the minister didn’t know the deceased at all, and that never fails to make me angry. What is the purpose of a eulogy? If the purpose is to make total strangers feel they knew that person, then in this re-post from June, Fr. Duffy succeeded. If he wanted us all to remember Fr. Judge for years to come, well, I think he succeeded there, too:I’ve never been called upon to give a eulogy for a friend. I wrote the eulogy a hospice...

Signs from Our Friends

Signs from Our Friends
Jul 28, 2011 by Victoria Noe
People who grieve often watch for signs from their loved one who has died. I’ve had a number of signs from my friend, Delle. She had felt a strong calling to be a priest, an impossibility (at least at this time) in the Catholic Church. A couple years after she died, I went to Christmas mass at Sts. Clare & Francis, an Ecumenical Catholic Communion church in St. Louis. A woman priest was concelebrating the mass, and I couldn’t help but think of Delle, and what she’d been denied. My eyes filled with tears, and then I felt arms around me, as if someone were kneeling behind where I sat. And I heard Delle’s voice in my head saying “it’s...

Kristie West's 30 Day Challenge

Jul 15, 2011 by Victoria Noe
    Grief and guilt seem at times to be intertwined. We regret the things we didn’t do, the things we didn’t say, when we had a chance. That’s human, but it can sometimes deepen our grief.Now, it has been said that it takes 30 days to create a new habit (or break an old one). So, I was intrigued by Kristie West’s 30-Day Challenge.Kristie and I are tweeps: we know each other only on Twitter. She lives in England; I live in Chicago. We’ve never met, although I hope we do something about that soon. ;)Kristie’s website, www.kristiewest.com,  is a great resource for those looking for help navigating their grief. She has challenged her followers in a unique way. Here...

Things I’ve Learned Writing a Book about Friend Grief

Jul 13, 2011 by Victoria Noe
It’s been five years since I promised my friend, Delle, I’d write a book about dealing with the death of a friend; almost two years since its form finally became clear to me. I’d already spent over two years mulling it over, writing in fits and starts (mostly fits) before hitting the wall. I’d given up, but one day, it was just there like magic; or karma.I began by researching the whole phenomenon of “disenfranchised grief”: grief that is not acknowledged or respected. Grieving the death of a friend certainly fit the definition. I already knew from personal experience that while everyone at some point will experience the death of a friend, most people are not very sympathetic of others’...

Naming Names: The 9/11 Memorial

Naming Names: The 9/11 Memorial
Jul 11, 2011 by Victoria Noe
 Northeast Corner of the South Pool I’m old enough to remember the very heated controversy over Maya Lin’s Vietnam Memorial design: the names of the dead etched in stark, black stone. How depressing! How disrespectful! Now, its “naming” focus is one that is copied the world over, including the new 9/11 Memorial, opening to the public on September 12. I visited “The Wall” in 1988. The Vietnam War shaped my youth, particularly high school and college. I stopped at the kiosk, got my paper and pencil, made a donation and set off to find the names of the two guys I’d grown up with. It had been 20 years since Ernie Sanazaro died, but it was still surprising to...

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