Blog
That's What Friends Are For
Nov 17, 2015 by Victoria Noe
My brain is in a fog.
I’ve spent most of the last week trying to process news that I could’ve never anticipated:
I attended a luncheon where Caitlin Jenner was the speaker. She told why she decided not to commit suicide, when in fact, that would’ve been easier than coming out as transgender. She also spoke of the extremes that the paparazzi will go to, extremes she was able to occasionally thwart by wearing the same clothes several days in a row (they can’t sell photos to the tabloids if she looks the same as the day before). The horrific attacks in Paris. My daughter studied there for four months earlier this year, arriving just 10 days after the Charlie Hebdo attacks....
I’ve spent most of the last week trying to process news that I could’ve never anticipated:
I attended a luncheon where Caitlin Jenner was the speaker. She told why she decided not to commit suicide, when in fact, that would’ve been easier than coming out as transgender. She also spoke of the extremes that the paparazzi will go to, extremes she was able to occasionally thwart by wearing the same clothes several days in a row (they can’t sell photos to the tabloids if she looks the same as the day before). The horrific attacks in Paris. My daughter studied there for four months earlier this year, arriving just 10 days after the Charlie Hebdo attacks....
Veterans and Friend Grief
Nov 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
A lot of people confuse Veterans Day and Memorial Day. Memorial Day is when we remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice, dying for their country. Veterans Day is when we honor all the men and women who served.
Some veterans – particularly older ones – enjoy being told “Thank you for your service.” Many younger ones, though, do not. They feel it’s an empty compliment, given by people who have sacrificed nothing. When you thank them for their service, they hear “thanks for doing what I wouldn’t do.”
The topic came up recently at a moral injury symposium in Chicago. The room was filled with veterans and those who serve them at the VA and various nonprofit organizations, including the event...
Some veterans – particularly older ones – enjoy being told “Thank you for your service.” Many younger ones, though, do not. They feel it’s an empty compliment, given by people who have sacrificed nothing. When you thank them for their service, they hear “thanks for doing what I wouldn’t do.”
The topic came up recently at a moral injury symposium in Chicago. The room was filled with veterans and those who serve them at the VA and various nonprofit organizations, including the event...
To Absent Friends (You Know Who You Are)
Nov 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Delle
This week, the first week of November, a very special festival is taking place in Scotland called “To Absent Friends…” I suppose it’s no coincidence that the week begins with All Saints Day. But what I quickly realized was that it ends on November 7th, which this year is the 9th anniversary of my friend, Delle Chatman’s death.
The 7th was a Tuesday, election day. I knew she was close to death: earlier that day, her brother was writing her obituary. After dinner, I sat at the dining room table with my laptop open, waiting for the news I dreaded. But I didn’t wait long. Instead I went upstairs to watch the election results. The next morning...
This week, the first week of November, a very special festival is taking place in Scotland called “To Absent Friends…” I suppose it’s no coincidence that the week begins with All Saints Day. But what I quickly realized was that it ends on November 7th, which this year is the 9th anniversary of my friend, Delle Chatman’s death.
The 7th was a Tuesday, election day. I knew she was close to death: earlier that day, her brother was writing her obituary. After dinner, I sat at the dining room table with my laptop open, waiting for the news I dreaded. But I didn’t wait long. Instead I went upstairs to watch the election results. The next morning...
Why Writers Should Step Away from the Computer
Oct 27, 2015 by Victoria Noe
My table at the Illinois Libraries conference
Now and then online I come across conversations where writers bemoan the current state of publishing, which requires them (no matter how they are published) to market themselves. They are expected to host websites, build their platforms, tweet, post, comment, share. For those of us who are used to being self-employed, marketing is a normal part of doing business. But for others – who just want to write! – it’s a challenge and a burden that’s sometimes resented.
I’m not one of them. I could blame it on having a master’s degree in theatre, or just that I like talking. But I hope that if you’re a writer who doesn’t like...
Now and then online I come across conversations where writers bemoan the current state of publishing, which requires them (no matter how they are published) to market themselves. They are expected to host websites, build their platforms, tweet, post, comment, share. For those of us who are used to being self-employed, marketing is a normal part of doing business. But for others – who just want to write! – it’s a challenge and a burden that’s sometimes resented.
I’m not one of them. I could blame it on having a master’s degree in theatre, or just that I like talking. But I hope that if you’re a writer who doesn’t like...
Birthday Reminders…For Dead Friends
Oct 20, 2015 by Victoria Noe
I noticed some time ago that Facebook had added a cute emoji: whenever a friend had a birthday, their name would appear with a little birthday cake next to it. For those times when I forgot a birthday, it seemed like a sweet, non-judgmental reminder (unlike those “Shelly has a birthday today” notifications).
I was making use of that birthday cake reminder to write on someone’s page when I noticed the “upcoming birthdays” suggestion. I have a lot of friends with birthdays in October, so it seemed like a good idea to make sure I didn’t forget anyone. And that’s when I saw it: Dan’s birthday is Thursday.
Dan was a guy I dated in high school, one of the sweetest guys...
I was making use of that birthday cake reminder to write on someone’s page when I noticed the “upcoming birthdays” suggestion. I have a lot of friends with birthdays in October, so it seemed like a good idea to make sure I didn’t forget anyone. And that’s when I saw it: Dan’s birthday is Thursday.
Dan was a guy I dated in high school, one of the sweetest guys...
Chapter 5 for a Friend
Oct 13, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Steve Montador
Concussions are a serious issue. Believe me, I know: I had one six years ago and I still deal with the fallout every day. Mine is classified – in today’s language – as a “mild traumatic brain injury”. I had no fracture, no swelling, no bleeding. I did not lose consciousness. I’m able to function pretty well most of the time, and I’m not getting worse. But many athletes are not so lucky. One was Steve Montador, who suffered multiple concussions during his ten year NHL career. He was found dead of natural causes on February 15.
How does one die of natural causes at 35? An autopsy of his brain found severe chronic traumatic encephalopathy....
Friends Helping Friends
Oct 06, 2015 by Victoria Noe
As promised last week, I have another new announcement related to my new book project, Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community.
Last week I unveiled a new Facebook page dedicated to that book. Yeah, I know: the book itself won’t be out until 2017. I figure it will be about a year before I finish research and begin to write. So why open up a new page now?
Well, as I’ve found here in this blog and other social media platforms, people are interested in the process of writing a book. Sometimes they’re readers who are curious about what goes into writing a book. Sometimes they’re writers who are curious about how other writers...
Last week I unveiled a new Facebook page dedicated to that book. Yeah, I know: the book itself won’t be out until 2017. I figure it will be about a year before I finish research and begin to write. So why open up a new page now?
Well, as I’ve found here in this blog and other social media platforms, people are interested in the process of writing a book. Sometimes they’re readers who are curious about what goes into writing a book. Sometimes they’re writers who are curious about how other writers...
Fasten Your Seat Belt!
Sep 29, 2015 by Victoria Noe
There’s so much news to share with you and a lot of it has been happening quickly. So fasten your seat belt while I bring you up to date on what I’m doing.
First of all, do you see the upper right hand corner of your screen, where is says “subscribe to my newsletter’? You really want to do that. Subscribing to my short and sweet Wednesday newsletter means you get all the good stuff first. Not only that, but subscribers receive a pdf copy of my latest book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, free. Yes, free, but that’s an offer that will not last much longer.
Back to the news. Here’s what I can share and...
First of all, do you see the upper right hand corner of your screen, where is says “subscribe to my newsletter’? You really want to do that. Subscribing to my short and sweet Wednesday newsletter means you get all the good stuff first. Not only that, but subscribers receive a pdf copy of my latest book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, free. Yes, free, but that’s an offer that will not last much longer.
Back to the news. Here’s what I can share and...
Ghost Friends
Sep 22, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Looks like the car I saw.
It happened again.
It’s probably happened to you, too.
I was walking towards the elevators at the Marriott Marquis in Washington, DC, between sessions at the US Conference on AIDS. For some reason, in the crush of people, one man caught my eye.
I gasped. It was someone I used to work for, except it wasn’t possible: that guy died over twenty years ago.
One of the men I interviewed for my next book, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes, talked about seeing ghosts. When he walks down certain streets he’s transported back to when his friends lived and worked there, men who have been dead for decades.
The conference felt a little like that anyway....
It happened again.
It’s probably happened to you, too.
I was walking towards the elevators at the Marriott Marquis in Washington, DC, between sessions at the US Conference on AIDS. For some reason, in the crush of people, one man caught my eye.
I gasped. It was someone I used to work for, except it wasn’t possible: that guy died over twenty years ago.
One of the men I interviewed for my next book, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes, talked about seeing ghosts. When he walks down certain streets he’s transported back to when his friends lived and worked there, men who have been dead for decades.
The conference felt a little like that anyway....
Sometimes Your Calling Chooses You
Sep 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Last week I spent four days in Washington at the US Conference on AIDS. I’ve attended single-day conferences and meetings in the AIDS community over the years. But the last time I attended a multi-day conference was also in Washington, DC. It was an advocacy conference where we were lobbying for the authorization of the first Ryan White Care Act, now 25 years old (and in danger of being defunded, but that’s another story).
The theme of the event was “The Numbers Don’t Lie: It’s Time to End Disparities”. We heard a lot about how the South represents 1/3 of the population of the US, but 50% of those living with HIV or AIDS. We witnessed a powerful #TransLivesMatter demonstration during...
9/11 + 14
Sep 08, 2015 by Victoria Noe
9/11 Memorial, NYC
Fourteen years is a long time. But this Friday marks fourteen years since the terror attacks of September 11, 2001.
If you’re reading this you probably remember that day. Maybe you heard about it on the radio, or someone woke you to say “Turn on your TV!”. Maybe your building was evacuated or your office shut down.
The cable networks have already started rerunning specials about the attacks, as if you could ever forget what happened that day. But the truth – to the surprise of many of us – is in the numbers.
Fourteen years means students who are in grade school or high school today don’t remember that day; in fact most of them...
Fourteen years is a long time. But this Friday marks fourteen years since the terror attacks of September 11, 2001.
If you’re reading this you probably remember that day. Maybe you heard about it on the radio, or someone woke you to say “Turn on your TV!”. Maybe your building was evacuated or your office shut down.
The cable networks have already started rerunning specials about the attacks, as if you could ever forget what happened that day. But the truth – to the surprise of many of us – is in the numbers.
Fourteen years means students who are in grade school or high school today don’t remember that day; in fact most of them...
Straight Women in the AIDS Community
Sep 01, 2015 by Victoria Noe
With my assistant, Steve Showalter, at the first Chicago House gala, September, 1990
Next week I head to Washington, DC for the US Conference on AIDS, Sept. 10-13. I’ve never attended it, but it promises to be an intense few days. I’m looking forward to seeing friends and colleagues and making new ones, in part because of what I’m about to share with you.
I’ve already announced the final book in the Friend Grief series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – will be out late this year (or January, depending on how it goes). While I work on that, I’ll be starting another project: bigger, more complex, and loosely related to what I’ve already written. That’s...
Next week I head to Washington, DC for the US Conference on AIDS, Sept. 10-13. I’ve never attended it, but it promises to be an intense few days. I’m looking forward to seeing friends and colleagues and making new ones, in part because of what I’m about to share with you.
I’ve already announced the final book in the Friend Grief series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – will be out late this year (or January, depending on how it goes). While I work on that, I’ll be starting another project: bigger, more complex, and loosely related to what I’ve already written. That’s...
When a Coworker Dies
Aug 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Where do you work? In an office? A store? A theatre?
Every workplace has its own culture, its own personality. Some have open floor plans, others a hive of cubicles and offices with closed doors. Some have strict dress codes or time clocks to punch. Others thrive on creative chaos.
But every one of them faces the possibility of a crisis when an employee dies.
How people grieve is individual and personal, so it’s to be expected that there can be conflict when a group of people in a work environment have to deal with a coworker’s death. Every workplace seems to have a few specific personalities.
The Social Director: They organize theme lunches and after-work gatherings. They decorate the office for holidays and...
Every workplace has its own culture, its own personality. Some have open floor plans, others a hive of cubicles and offices with closed doors. Some have strict dress codes or time clocks to punch. Others thrive on creative chaos.
But every one of them faces the possibility of a crisis when an employee dies.
How people grieve is individual and personal, so it’s to be expected that there can be conflict when a group of people in a work environment have to deal with a coworker’s death. Every workplace seems to have a few specific personalities.
The Social Director: They organize theme lunches and after-work gatherings. They decorate the office for holidays and...
Anticipating a Friend's Death
Aug 19, 2015 by Victoria Noe
“Anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss.” – Wikipedia
Last week was one of ‘those’ weeks. I don’t know if it was the alignment of the planets, or global warming or what, but I heard an unusual amount of scary news about friends, including:
One of my mom’s oldest friends had kidney surgery.
One of my college friends had heart surgery.
Another friend announced she is starting chemo soon for liver cancer.
As my husband annoyingly reminds me, we’re at that age when the people around us – not just those older – are dying. That doesn’t make me feel better.
In all the examples above, there was reason to be optimistic. By all accounts, the surgeries were successful. The...
Last week was one of ‘those’ weeks. I don’t know if it was the alignment of the planets, or global warming or what, but I heard an unusual amount of scary news about friends, including:
One of my mom’s oldest friends had kidney surgery.
One of my college friends had heart surgery.
Another friend announced she is starting chemo soon for liver cancer.
As my husband annoyingly reminds me, we’re at that age when the people around us – not just those older – are dying. That doesn’t make me feel better.
In all the examples above, there was reason to be optimistic. By all accounts, the surgeries were successful. The...
Spending Time with Friends After They Die
Aug 11, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Marquis de Lafayette, by Francesco-Guiseppe Casanova, New-York Historical Society
I've lost a couple friends who occasionally make their presence known. Pierre died last year, at the age of 89.
In late May, I was excited to be in New York for Book Expo America because it meant I could see the fabulous Hirschfeld Century exhibit on the life and work of Al Hirschfeld at the New-York Historical Society. N-YHS has become one of my favorite places to explore since I did some research there for Friend Grief in the Military: Band of Friends.
Pierre was obsessed with the life of the Marie Joseph Paul Ives Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, the boy general who, at 19, arrived from...
I've lost a couple friends who occasionally make their presence known. Pierre died last year, at the age of 89.
In late May, I was excited to be in New York for Book Expo America because it meant I could see the fabulous Hirschfeld Century exhibit on the life and work of Al Hirschfeld at the New-York Historical Society. N-YHS has become one of my favorite places to explore since I did some research there for Friend Grief in the Military: Band of Friends.
Pierre was obsessed with the life of the Marie Joseph Paul Ives Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, the boy general who, at 19, arrived from...
What I Learned at #WDC15
Aug 04, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Writer Unboxed panel
I don’t attend a lot of writing conferences. When I do, I have very specific goals. Maybe there’s a keynote speaker I want to hear. Often the workshop topics are ones that I need to learn more about. Always it’s because I believe there’s something valuable to learn. Rarely have I been disappointed.
I’m just back from the 2015 Writers Digest Conference in NYC. It’s my sixth one: five in NYC, one in LA. The first one I attended, in 2011, changed my life.
It was the first writers’ conference I dared to attend. I knew next to nothing about writing or the business; in fact, I started tweeting for the first time on my...
I don’t attend a lot of writing conferences. When I do, I have very specific goals. Maybe there’s a keynote speaker I want to hear. Often the workshop topics are ones that I need to learn more about. Always it’s because I believe there’s something valuable to learn. Rarely have I been disappointed.
I’m just back from the 2015 Writers Digest Conference in NYC. It’s my sixth one: five in NYC, one in LA. The first one I attended, in 2011, changed my life.
It was the first writers’ conference I dared to attend. I knew next to nothing about writing or the business; in fact, I started tweeting for the first time on my...
Publication Day for Friend Grief
Jul 28, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Today – finally – the latest book in the Friend Grief series is officially available for sale.
Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle is about the impact of friendships we make at work.
As I’ve said before, it’s a very broad definition of workplace. I listed some of them here. But I’d like to share one of the stories, this one about the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team (in the interest of full disclosure, I’m a lifelong fan – but that’s not why they’re in the book). Here’s how some members of the team chose to pay tribute to their friends and teammates:
When Jason Heyward made the opening day roster for the Atlanta Braves, he was asked to...
Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle is about the impact of friendships we make at work.
As I’ve said before, it’s a very broad definition of workplace. I listed some of them here. But I’d like to share one of the stories, this one about the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team (in the interest of full disclosure, I’m a lifelong fan – but that’s not why they’re in the book). Here’s how some members of the team chose to pay tribute to their friends and teammates:
When Jason Heyward made the opening day roster for the Atlanta Braves, he was asked to...
Men, Their Friends, and Grief
Jul 22, 2015 by Victoria Noe
www.dailytelegraph.com.au
Mars and Venus.
We’ve heard a lot over the years about the differences between men and women. Even my mother has a saying: “Men are not like normal people.” It’s easy to be sexist about men, especially when it comes to their emotions.
I learned very early on in my work on the Friend Grief series that I was as much to blame as anyone in having those opinions. In fact, I was proved wrong so dramatically that I wrote a mea culpa for The Good Men Project.
That’s why, as you may remember, I decided that the final book in the Friend Grief series would be about them: Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
The biggest stereotype, of course,...
Mars and Venus.
We’ve heard a lot over the years about the differences between men and women. Even my mother has a saying: “Men are not like normal people.” It’s easy to be sexist about men, especially when it comes to their emotions.
I learned very early on in my work on the Friend Grief series that I was as much to blame as anyone in having those opinions. In fact, I was proved wrong so dramatically that I wrote a mea culpa for The Good Men Project.
That’s why, as you may remember, I decided that the final book in the Friend Grief series would be about them: Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.
The biggest stereotype, of course,...
Friend Grief and Reunions
Jul 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Roses at our mass
Summer is reunion time. I have friends who are preparing for their high school reunions.
My 45th was last month, and for the first time, I missed it. I helped organize the 6 year reunion (somehow the whole fifth year got away from us), and attended the 10th, 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th and 40th. Honestly, they’re a lot more fun as time goes on.
But at each reunion, we pause to remember classmates who had died. Sometimes the death is very recent; usually there’s been some time since it happened. If it’s someone we’ve lost touch with, it feels more shocking.
My 35th was the most emotional for me. My father – who adored the nuns...
Summer is reunion time. I have friends who are preparing for their high school reunions.
My 45th was last month, and for the first time, I missed it. I helped organize the 6 year reunion (somehow the whole fifth year got away from us), and attended the 10th, 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th and 40th. Honestly, they’re a lot more fun as time goes on.
But at each reunion, we pause to remember classmates who had died. Sometimes the death is very recent; usually there’s been some time since it happened. If it’s someone we’ve lost touch with, it feels more shocking.
My 35th was the most emotional for me. My father – who adored the nuns...
Friend Grief Presentations
Jul 07, 2015 by Victoria Noe
bandni.co.uk
I attended a writers’ conference a few years ago. I was particularly looking forward to one presentation. The speaker – who shall remain nameless – was someone I’d been following for a while on Twitter. Occasionally sarcastic, his tweets were always entertaining and full of great tips. We gathered in the ballroom and he opened his mouth.
Not many speakers have ever disappointed me as much as he did. While his online persona was larger-than-life, in person he was the opposite. He rarely made eye contact with his audience as he read from his script. He could barely be heard, as he did not make good use of the microphone. Unlike some people, I stayed for the...
I attended a writers’ conference a few years ago. I was particularly looking forward to one presentation. The speaker – who shall remain nameless – was someone I’d been following for a while on Twitter. Occasionally sarcastic, his tweets were always entertaining and full of great tips. We gathered in the ballroom and he opened his mouth.
Not many speakers have ever disappointed me as much as he did. While his online persona was larger-than-life, in person he was the opposite. He rarely made eye contact with his audience as he read from his script. He could barely be heard, as he did not make good use of the microphone. Unlike some people, I stayed for the...
