Blog
Covering a Colleague's Funeral
Jul 01, 2015 by Victoria Noe
You know how it is. You watch local newscasters on TV every day. Some come and go, others work their entire careers in one market.
Bob Barry, Jr. - like his father before him for 40 years - was the sports director and main sports anchor at KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City. He died in a traffic accident on June 20.
The following day - independent of each other - every news operation in town called the station, all with the same offer: they would send their own staff to KFOR to cover their broadcasts, so Barry's coworkers could all attend his memorial service.
Carlton Houston, KFOR's news director, took them up on the offer, so every employee who knew and loved Bob Barry...
Bob Barry, Jr. - like his father before him for 40 years - was the sports director and main sports anchor at KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City. He died in a traffic accident on June 20.
The following day - independent of each other - every news operation in town called the station, all with the same offer: they would send their own staff to KFOR to cover their broadcasts, so Barry's coworkers could all attend his memorial service.
Carlton Houston, KFOR's news director, took them up on the offer, so every employee who knew and loved Bob Barry...
Inspirational Authors on Facebook
Jun 23, 2015 by Victoria Noe
A few weeks ago I was invited to participate in a one-day Facebook event as an "inspirational author."
I do not consider myself an inspirational author. I've been called that a couple times and cringed. My friend, Kathy Pooler, is one of the women included in this event. She really IS inspirational. Someone recently called me "indomitable", but inspirational?
I was in a mood, I guess, and decided to accept the opportunity/challenge. The Facebook event is scheduled for July 2 and will feature fifteen women from around the world, converging on Facebook in three-hour shifts from 5 am to 11 pm PDT. I'm in the 2-5pm PDT shift. Who else is joining me? "Inspirational" turns out to be an understatement. They are a wildly diverse, passionate and talented...
I was in a mood, I guess, and decided to accept the opportunity/challenge. The Facebook event is scheduled for July 2 and will feature fifteen women from around the world, converging on Facebook in three-hour shifts from 5 am to 11 pm PDT. I'm in the 2-5pm PDT shift. Who else is joining me? "Inspirational" turns out to be an understatement. They are a wildly diverse, passionate and talented...
Daddy's Friends
Jun 16, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Our dance at my wedding
I’ve written before about my father’s friends. But today is ten years since he died, and I’ve been thinking more about men’s friendships.
I remember those men when I was growing up: loud, sometimes profane, argumentative and fun. I was born in the 50’s; I still call then “Mister”. I never felt comfortable calling them by their first names.
You know how it is with the generation older than you: they’ve always been around and you assume they always will be. But, of course, that’s not true.
Daddy was the first in his group to die, a few weeks before his 77th birthday. I don’t know how much they talked about his illness when I...
I’ve written before about my father’s friends. But today is ten years since he died, and I’ve been thinking more about men’s friendships.
I remember those men when I was growing up: loud, sometimes profane, argumentative and fun. I was born in the 50’s; I still call then “Mister”. I never felt comfortable calling them by their first names.
You know how it is with the generation older than you: they’ve always been around and you assume they always will be. But, of course, that’s not true.
Daddy was the first in his group to die, a few weeks before his 77th birthday. I don’t know how much they talked about his illness when I...
Friend Grief in the Workplace
Jun 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
If it seems to you like my next book – Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle - has been in the works forever, well, it feels that way to me, too. I can’t remember when my original publication date was, other than it was 2014. But it’s finally happening, and I’m ready to share some specifics.
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
Tracy Morgan's Friend Grief
Jun 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
"Bones heal, but the loss of my friend will never heal."
You probably know Tracy Morgan as the talented comedian on 30 Rock. But his life changed forever almost a year ago, June 7, 2014, when his limo was rear-ended by a Walmart truck. The accident killed his friend, comic James McNair, and left Morgan with debilitating injuries.
Last week he appeared on the Today Show, for an emotional interview with Matt Lauer. I'm not going to repeat much of it. It's much more powerful watching Morgan speak of his amazement at surviving, as well as his gratitude to the medical staff, his family and friends. How he struggled to understand what happened is very touching.
I know when something bad has happened...
You probably know Tracy Morgan as the talented comedian on 30 Rock. But his life changed forever almost a year ago, June 7, 2014, when his limo was rear-ended by a Walmart truck. The accident killed his friend, comic James McNair, and left Morgan with debilitating injuries.
Last week he appeared on the Today Show, for an emotional interview with Matt Lauer. I'm not going to repeat much of it. It's much more powerful watching Morgan speak of his amazement at surviving, as well as his gratitude to the medical staff, his family and friends. How he struggled to understand what happened is very touching.
I know when something bad has happened...
Grieving Friends Lost in Two Different Wars
May 26, 2015 by Victoria Noe
When I was writing Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends, I was struck by the stories of grief and survivor guilt. Though many of the stories came from those doing the actual fighting, there were also those that came from non-combatants: war correspondents, medics, chaplains, nurses, even a little drummer boy.
As I read them, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of déjà vu. It wasn’t that I’d necessarily heard these stories before, but rather stories that were very similar. Only after several weeks did it become obvious to me: not all those who experience war faced an enemy armed with guns and bombs. Some faced off against a virus.
Activist/author Larry Kramer referred to AIDS as a plague. It...
As I read them, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of déjà vu. It wasn’t that I’d necessarily heard these stories before, but rather stories that were very similar. Only after several weeks did it become obvious to me: not all those who experience war faced an enemy armed with guns and bombs. Some faced off against a virus.
Activist/author Larry Kramer referred to AIDS as a plague. It...
Dying Matters for Friends, Too
May 19, 2015 by Victoria Noe
The Dying Matters Coalition is a British organization that raises awareness about death, dying and bereavement. This week (May 18-24) is designated as Dying Matters Awareness Week. Their recently released survey proves that human beings are a fascinating, infuriating species:
Although 32% of British adults think about dying and death at least once a week, 72% believe that people in Britain are uncomfortable discussing it.
Only 35% say they have written a will; only 28% of those with a child under 18 have done so.
40% of parents with children under 18 have ever taken out life insurance.
7% have written down their preferences for future care, should they be unable to make decisions for themselves, despite the fact that 79% believe qualify of...
Friend Grief Partners with Military Outreach USA
May 12, 2015 by Victoria Noe
It gives me great pleasure to announce during Military Appreciation Month that I am partnering with a terrific organization, Military Outreach USA.
Military Outreach USA is a 501 (c) 3 not for profit which exists to encourage, engage, educate and equip individuals, houses of worship and organizations throughout the nation to provide a supporting role to our military community. This community is comprised of our military (active duty, guard, and reserves), veterans, and their families who are impacted by the visible and invisible wounds of military service. The support is provided through our national Military Caring Network. Our services are provided at no charge to any Military Caring House of Worship or Organization regardless of spiritual orientation, religious preference, race, or...
Military Outreach USA is a 501 (c) 3 not for profit which exists to encourage, engage, educate and equip individuals, houses of worship and organizations throughout the nation to provide a supporting role to our military community. This community is comprised of our military (active duty, guard, and reserves), veterans, and their families who are impacted by the visible and invisible wounds of military service. The support is provided through our national Military Caring Network. Our services are provided at no charge to any Military Caring House of Worship or Organization regardless of spiritual orientation, religious preference, race, or...
Writing Obituaries for Friends
May 06, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Chris Jones (Chicago Tribune)
There are people who are paid to write obituaries. I don’t mean the death notices that families write and funeral homes place in newspapers. I mean the obituaries that are considered news stories: about celebrities, politicians, etc.
One of the stories in my next book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, looks at the Chicago theatre community. I moved to Chicago a year out of graduate school, to work in theater. It was the heyday of the Off-Loop Theatre movement. John Malkovich, Gary Sinise, Dennis Farina, Bill Peterson and others were not yet famous. Steppenwolf Theatre did not send shows to Broadway, because they were operating out of church basement...
There are people who are paid to write obituaries. I don’t mean the death notices that families write and funeral homes place in newspapers. I mean the obituaries that are considered news stories: about celebrities, politicians, etc.
One of the stories in my next book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, looks at the Chicago theatre community. I moved to Chicago a year out of graduate school, to work in theater. It was the heyday of the Off-Loop Theatre movement. John Malkovich, Gary Sinise, Dennis Farina, Bill Peterson and others were not yet famous. Steppenwolf Theatre did not send shows to Broadway, because they were operating out of church basement...
News about Friend Grief and AIDS
Mar 29, 2015 by Victoria Noe
It’s that time of year again! I’m pleased to announce the 2015 update of Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends.Each year about this time I update the resources and statistics in my book. That's one of the advantages of publishing today - nothing ever has to be out-of-date.You can find the updated ebook on Kindle, Nookand Kobo. The updated paperback will be available in about a week.If you have a previous version, just go to the AIDS UPDATE page here for new information on the epidemic.And as always, 25% of the retail price is donated to one of my favorite organizations in the fight against the epidemic: Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.
Laurel: A Guest Post by Fred Eberle
Mar 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Lauren Cronin & Fred EberleI’ve known Fred Eberle since 1989, when I was on staff at Chicago House and he was one of my most dedicated volunteers. He is, without a doubt, one of the most talented, generous, thoughtful men I’ve ever known (he's blushing right now, trust me). I’m so pleased that he agreed to share this story of one of the most important friendships of his life.My friend, Laurel was…a force of nature. When she entered a room her energy and charisma filled the space. Laurel Cronin was a brilliant actress and director, and when she was onstage it was hard to watch anyone else. It wasn’t that she intentionally pulled focus; she drew it to her. From the...
Brain Injury Awareness Week
Mar 17, 2015 by Victoria Noe
For most people, March 17 is a day to celebrate being – or pretending to be – Irish. For me, though, it’s the anniversary of a day that changed my life.On St. Patrick’s Day, 2009, I was sitting at a red light when I was rear-ended (no alcohol involved). It was not the first time it happened to me, but this time turned out to be very different. I became one of the 2.3 million people who suffer a traumatic brain injury each year.The car sustained very minor damage. I had terrible head pain, but again, I didn’t think much of it. That evening, I was nauseous. I assumed I was just upset about the accident. I know full well...
National Women and Girls' HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Mar 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
I was on staff at Chicago House when we opened the city’s first hospice for people with AIDS in January, 1990. At that time, there was only one funeral home that would accept the bodies. Nursing homes and stand-alone hospices refused anyone dying of AIDS. Sympathy was extended only for those who contracted the virus in a way that defined them as “innocent victims”: blood transfusions or birth. It was a beautiful old house near the lake shore, donated to our organization. The doctor who lived next door was opposed to it, but once he understood that people would arrive in an ambulance and leave in a hearse (unlike crowds lined up for the overnight shelter he imagined it to...
"You have been - and always shall be - my friend"
Mar 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Nimoy at Phoenix Comicon
Unless you live under a rock, you know that actor Leonard Nimoy, the Vulcan first officer Mr. Spock on the original Star Trek series, died at the age of 83. And though he was surrounded by his family when he died, they were not the people the media reached out to first. They were not the people his long-time fans wanted to hear from. They wanted to hear from his friends.
Most of those who were interviewed were former cast-mates on Star Trek, along with others who worked with him in his impressive career on stage, television and film. Many found it challenging to express their grief for a man they counted as their friend for decades.
Not everyone – even celebrities – can...
Coming Soon to Friend Grief
Feb 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Have you been busy? I sure have. And that means there’s a lot coming soon here on Friend Grief in the next few weeks:The re-release of Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends with updated statistics and resources for 2015. As always, 25% of the retail price of ebook and paperback versions will benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.The release of the fifth book in the series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle(cover reveal next week).Another great guest post for your enjoyment.The debut of my new, full website, VictoriaNoe.com. (Don’t get excited – it’s not live yet) The new website will include this blog, along with lots of added content:Discussion questions for each bookA...
Grieving Your Friends on Facebook
Feb 18, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Last week two separate articles caught my eye.The first was the announcement by Facebookthat users could now designate an “executor” to manage your account after you die.I’ve written before about friend grief and Facebook: finding out about a friend’s death, setting up a tribute page, and the shock of seeing a notice of their upcoming birthday. You'll see a few links at the bottom of this post.For years, surviving friends and family members have struggled with what to do about the deceased’s online accounts. Sometimes it’s the challenge of finding the password that no one else knew. Sometimes it’s proving to Facebook that that person died and their page should be archived. In addition, multiple tribute pages can pop up...
Friend Grief and…Valentine’s Day?
Feb 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Good. I got your attention.Valentine’s Day is certainly not a day we associate with friends. It’s one designed to guilt-trip us into spending lots of money on flowers, candy, dinner, lingerie, etc. to share with a romantic partner. Friends? Not so much.I remember when I was younger, that I hated the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. The holidays were all about families, and I was single. The last holiday was the worst, because the expectations were so ridiculously unrealistic. So let’s ignore all the hype and guilt and consider our friends.I don’t know about you, but I found 2014 to be an unusually challenging year. So did a lot of my friends. Relationships, finances, health, or a combination of...
The Story of a Pink Cloud – Guest Blogger Rebecca Bricker
Feb 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Rebecca BrickerMy friendship with Rebecca Bricker is like many of those in the 21st century: online. We met four years ago (time flies when you’re having fun). We’ve never met in real life, though she may meet my daughter soon.The story of how she wound up living in Tuscany is both funny and compelling. No, she’s not the author of Under the Tuscan Sun, but her Tales from Tavanti is every bit as entertaining.If you’re like me, certain things will trigger the memory of a friend who died. For example, whenever I see a steel-grey PT Cruiser, I assume it’s Delle behind the wheel. Rebecca Bricker has a very deliberate ritual to ensure that she’ll remember.My thanks to Rebecca for...
Friend Grief and Shaming
Jan 27, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Nicholas Kristof - NY TimesI’m not sure when it began, this need to feel morally superior. But we see it everywhere. “My beliefs/race/gender/income/profession make me better than you” permeates our society. And sadly, we even see it when we grieve our friends.Perhaps it’s as simple as a need to find a logical explanation for something that doesn’t make sense. Assigning blame makes us feel a little better about what happened. Some of the responses I’ve heard when sharing the news of a friend’s death are:“A bodybuilder? Steroids, huh?”“Melanoma? Did they go to tanning salons a lot?”“Heart attack? Well, they were overweight.”“AIDS? They must’ve slept around.”Your first reaction may be to dispute their assumptions. Or you may feel ashamed that they...
Celebrating Your Friends
Jan 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
There was supposed to be a party today.“I want to make it to 90,” Pierre told me when he was 88. His parents had only lived to their 70s, but others in his family had lived longer.“We should have a party,” I suggested. He liked that idea. I mean, if you’re going to live that long, you deserve a celebration. “You could have dancing girls.”His eyes lit up. He liked that idea, too. We never had a chance to discuss details. Pierre died last January, a short time after his 89th birthday.We don’t always remember our friends on their birthdays. Sometimes we remember them on the day they died. November 22 is the day we remember President John F. Kennedy,...
