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Friend Grief
World AIDS Day - And A Big Announcement
Dec 01, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Bus shelter poster, 1991
Dec. 1, 1988. I was in London, at a performance of The Secret of Sherlock Holmes with Jeremy Brett and Edward Hardwicke. At the curtain call, Brett made a speech about that being the first World AIDS Day. The ushers passed around collection buckets for donations to AIDS service organizations in London. What a concept, I thought: the whole world thinking about AIDS.
Over the years I’ve spent World AIDS Day conducting fundraising events, attending religious services, discussing issues. Tonight I’m leading a conversation on women and AIDS – how women were treated at the beginning of the epidemic and where we are now - at Women & Children First Bookstore in Chicago.
Today is also...
Dec. 1, 1988. I was in London, at a performance of The Secret of Sherlock Holmes with Jeremy Brett and Edward Hardwicke. At the curtain call, Brett made a speech about that being the first World AIDS Day. The ushers passed around collection buckets for donations to AIDS service organizations in London. What a concept, I thought: the whole world thinking about AIDS.
Over the years I’ve spent World AIDS Day conducting fundraising events, attending religious services, discussing issues. Tonight I’m leading a conversation on women and AIDS – how women were treated at the beginning of the epidemic and where we are now - at Women & Children First Bookstore in Chicago.
Today is also...
That's What Friends Are For
Nov 17, 2015 by Victoria Noe
My brain is in a fog.
I’ve spent most of the last week trying to process news that I could’ve never anticipated:
I attended a luncheon where Caitlin Jenner was the speaker. She told why she decided not to commit suicide, when in fact, that would’ve been easier than coming out as transgender. She also spoke of the extremes that the paparazzi will go to, extremes she was able to occasionally thwart by wearing the same clothes several days in a row (they can’t sell photos to the tabloids if she looks the same as the day before). The horrific attacks in Paris. My daughter studied there for four months earlier this year, arriving just 10 days after the Charlie Hebdo attacks....
I’ve spent most of the last week trying to process news that I could’ve never anticipated:
I attended a luncheon where Caitlin Jenner was the speaker. She told why she decided not to commit suicide, when in fact, that would’ve been easier than coming out as transgender. She also spoke of the extremes that the paparazzi will go to, extremes she was able to occasionally thwart by wearing the same clothes several days in a row (they can’t sell photos to the tabloids if she looks the same as the day before). The horrific attacks in Paris. My daughter studied there for four months earlier this year, arriving just 10 days after the Charlie Hebdo attacks....
To Absent Friends (You Know Who You Are)
Nov 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Delle
This week, the first week of November, a very special festival is taking place in Scotland called “To Absent Friends…” I suppose it’s no coincidence that the week begins with All Saints Day. But what I quickly realized was that it ends on November 7th, which this year is the 9th anniversary of my friend, Delle Chatman’s death.
The 7th was a Tuesday, election day. I knew she was close to death: earlier that day, her brother was writing her obituary. After dinner, I sat at the dining room table with my laptop open, waiting for the news I dreaded. But I didn’t wait long. Instead I went upstairs to watch the election results. The next morning...
This week, the first week of November, a very special festival is taking place in Scotland called “To Absent Friends…” I suppose it’s no coincidence that the week begins with All Saints Day. But what I quickly realized was that it ends on November 7th, which this year is the 9th anniversary of my friend, Delle Chatman’s death.
The 7th was a Tuesday, election day. I knew she was close to death: earlier that day, her brother was writing her obituary. After dinner, I sat at the dining room table with my laptop open, waiting for the news I dreaded. But I didn’t wait long. Instead I went upstairs to watch the election results. The next morning...
Chapter 5 for a Friend
Oct 13, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Steve Montador
Concussions are a serious issue. Believe me, I know: I had one six years ago and I still deal with the fallout every day. Mine is classified – in today’s language – as a “mild traumatic brain injury”. I had no fracture, no swelling, no bleeding. I did not lose consciousness. I’m able to function pretty well most of the time, and I’m not getting worse. But many athletes are not so lucky. One was Steve Montador, who suffered multiple concussions during his ten year NHL career. He was found dead of natural causes on February 15.
How does one die of natural causes at 35? An autopsy of his brain found severe chronic traumatic encephalopathy....
Friends Helping Friends
Oct 06, 2015 by Victoria Noe
As promised last week, I have another new announcement related to my new book project, Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community.
Last week I unveiled a new Facebook page dedicated to that book. Yeah, I know: the book itself won’t be out until 2017. I figure it will be about a year before I finish research and begin to write. So why open up a new page now?
Well, as I’ve found here in this blog and other social media platforms, people are interested in the process of writing a book. Sometimes they’re readers who are curious about what goes into writing a book. Sometimes they’re writers who are curious about how other writers...
Last week I unveiled a new Facebook page dedicated to that book. Yeah, I know: the book itself won’t be out until 2017. I figure it will be about a year before I finish research and begin to write. So why open up a new page now?
Well, as I’ve found here in this blog and other social media platforms, people are interested in the process of writing a book. Sometimes they’re readers who are curious about what goes into writing a book. Sometimes they’re writers who are curious about how other writers...
Fasten Your Seat Belt!
Sep 29, 2015 by Victoria Noe
There’s so much news to share with you and a lot of it has been happening quickly. So fasten your seat belt while I bring you up to date on what I’m doing.
First of all, do you see the upper right hand corner of your screen, where is says “subscribe to my newsletter’? You really want to do that. Subscribing to my short and sweet Wednesday newsletter means you get all the good stuff first. Not only that, but subscribers receive a pdf copy of my latest book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, free. Yes, free, but that’s an offer that will not last much longer.
Back to the news. Here’s what I can share and...
First of all, do you see the upper right hand corner of your screen, where is says “subscribe to my newsletter’? You really want to do that. Subscribing to my short and sweet Wednesday newsletter means you get all the good stuff first. Not only that, but subscribers receive a pdf copy of my latest book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, free. Yes, free, but that’s an offer that will not last much longer.
Back to the news. Here’s what I can share and...
Ghost Friends
Sep 22, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Looks like the car I saw.
It happened again.
It’s probably happened to you, too.
I was walking towards the elevators at the Marriott Marquis in Washington, DC, between sessions at the US Conference on AIDS. For some reason, in the crush of people, one man caught my eye.
I gasped. It was someone I used to work for, except it wasn’t possible: that guy died over twenty years ago.
One of the men I interviewed for my next book, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes, talked about seeing ghosts. When he walks down certain streets he’s transported back to when his friends lived and worked there, men who have been dead for decades.
The conference felt a little like that anyway....
It happened again.
It’s probably happened to you, too.
I was walking towards the elevators at the Marriott Marquis in Washington, DC, between sessions at the US Conference on AIDS. For some reason, in the crush of people, one man caught my eye.
I gasped. It was someone I used to work for, except it wasn’t possible: that guy died over twenty years ago.
One of the men I interviewed for my next book, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes, talked about seeing ghosts. When he walks down certain streets he’s transported back to when his friends lived and worked there, men who have been dead for decades.
The conference felt a little like that anyway....
Friend Grief Presentations
Jul 07, 2015 by Victoria Noe
bandni.co.uk
I attended a writers’ conference a few years ago. I was particularly looking forward to one presentation. The speaker – who shall remain nameless – was someone I’d been following for a while on Twitter. Occasionally sarcastic, his tweets were always entertaining and full of great tips. We gathered in the ballroom and he opened his mouth.
Not many speakers have ever disappointed me as much as he did. While his online persona was larger-than-life, in person he was the opposite. He rarely made eye contact with his audience as he read from his script. He could barely be heard, as he did not make good use of the microphone. Unlike some people, I stayed for the...
I attended a writers’ conference a few years ago. I was particularly looking forward to one presentation. The speaker – who shall remain nameless – was someone I’d been following for a while on Twitter. Occasionally sarcastic, his tweets were always entertaining and full of great tips. We gathered in the ballroom and he opened his mouth.
Not many speakers have ever disappointed me as much as he did. While his online persona was larger-than-life, in person he was the opposite. He rarely made eye contact with his audience as he read from his script. He could barely be heard, as he did not make good use of the microphone. Unlike some people, I stayed for the...
Friend Grief in the Workplace
Jun 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
If it seems to you like my next book – Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle - has been in the works forever, well, it feels that way to me, too. I can’t remember when my original publication date was, other than it was 2014. But it’s finally happening, and I’m ready to share some specifics.
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
The one thing I knew when I started researching and interviewing was that I would use a very broad definition of “workplace”. The majority of people you will meet in my book don't work in an office, much less a cubicle: A Trappist monk and the nun who lived down a winding Kentucky road, united by their vision of a better world. The...
Tracy Morgan's Friend Grief
Jun 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
"Bones heal, but the loss of my friend will never heal."
You probably know Tracy Morgan as the talented comedian on 30 Rock. But his life changed forever almost a year ago, June 7, 2014, when his limo was rear-ended by a Walmart truck. The accident killed his friend, comic James McNair, and left Morgan with debilitating injuries.
Last week he appeared on the Today Show, for an emotional interview with Matt Lauer. I'm not going to repeat much of it. It's much more powerful watching Morgan speak of his amazement at surviving, as well as his gratitude to the medical staff, his family and friends. How he struggled to understand what happened is very touching.
I know when something bad has happened...
You probably know Tracy Morgan as the talented comedian on 30 Rock. But his life changed forever almost a year ago, June 7, 2014, when his limo was rear-ended by a Walmart truck. The accident killed his friend, comic James McNair, and left Morgan with debilitating injuries.
Last week he appeared on the Today Show, for an emotional interview with Matt Lauer. I'm not going to repeat much of it. It's much more powerful watching Morgan speak of his amazement at surviving, as well as his gratitude to the medical staff, his family and friends. How he struggled to understand what happened is very touching.
I know when something bad has happened...
Grieving Friends Lost in Two Different Wars
May 26, 2015 by Victoria Noe
When I was writing Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends, I was struck by the stories of grief and survivor guilt. Though many of the stories came from those doing the actual fighting, there were also those that came from non-combatants: war correspondents, medics, chaplains, nurses, even a little drummer boy.
As I read them, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of déjà vu. It wasn’t that I’d necessarily heard these stories before, but rather stories that were very similar. Only after several weeks did it become obvious to me: not all those who experience war faced an enemy armed with guns and bombs. Some faced off against a virus.
Activist/author Larry Kramer referred to AIDS as a plague. It...
As I read them, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of déjà vu. It wasn’t that I’d necessarily heard these stories before, but rather stories that were very similar. Only after several weeks did it become obvious to me: not all those who experience war faced an enemy armed with guns and bombs. Some faced off against a virus.
Activist/author Larry Kramer referred to AIDS as a plague. It...
Laurel: A Guest Post by Fred Eberle
Mar 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Lauren Cronin & Fred EberleI’ve known Fred Eberle since 1989, when I was on staff at Chicago House and he was one of my most dedicated volunteers. He is, without a doubt, one of the most talented, generous, thoughtful men I’ve ever known (he's blushing right now, trust me). I’m so pleased that he agreed to share this story of one of the most important friendships of his life.My friend, Laurel was…a force of nature. When she entered a room her energy and charisma filled the space. Laurel Cronin was a brilliant actress and director, and when she was onstage it was hard to watch anyone else. It wasn’t that she intentionally pulled focus; she drew it to her. From the...
Brain Injury Awareness Week
Mar 17, 2015 by Victoria Noe
For most people, March 17 is a day to celebrate being – or pretending to be – Irish. For me, though, it’s the anniversary of a day that changed my life.On St. Patrick’s Day, 2009, I was sitting at a red light when I was rear-ended (no alcohol involved). It was not the first time it happened to me, but this time turned out to be very different. I became one of the 2.3 million people who suffer a traumatic brain injury each year.The car sustained very minor damage. I had terrible head pain, but again, I didn’t think much of it. That evening, I was nauseous. I assumed I was just upset about the accident. I know full well...
"You have been - and always shall be - my friend"
Mar 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Nimoy at Phoenix Comicon
Unless you live under a rock, you know that actor Leonard Nimoy, the Vulcan first officer Mr. Spock on the original Star Trek series, died at the age of 83. And though he was surrounded by his family when he died, they were not the people the media reached out to first. They were not the people his long-time fans wanted to hear from. They wanted to hear from his friends.
Most of those who were interviewed were former cast-mates on Star Trek, along with others who worked with him in his impressive career on stage, television and film. Many found it challenging to express their grief for a man they counted as their friend for decades.
Not everyone – even celebrities – can...
Coming Soon to Friend Grief
Feb 25, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Have you been busy? I sure have. And that means there’s a lot coming soon here on Friend Grief in the next few weeks:The re-release of Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends with updated statistics and resources for 2015. As always, 25% of the retail price of ebook and paperback versions will benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.The release of the fifth book in the series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle(cover reveal next week).Another great guest post for your enjoyment.The debut of my new, full website, VictoriaNoe.com. (Don’t get excited – it’s not live yet) The new website will include this blog, along with lots of added content:Discussion questions for each bookA...
Grieving Your Friends on Facebook
Feb 18, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Last week two separate articles caught my eye.The first was the announcement by Facebookthat users could now designate an “executor” to manage your account after you die.I’ve written before about friend grief and Facebook: finding out about a friend’s death, setting up a tribute page, and the shock of seeing a notice of their upcoming birthday. You'll see a few links at the bottom of this post.For years, surviving friends and family members have struggled with what to do about the deceased’s online accounts. Sometimes it’s the challenge of finding the password that no one else knew. Sometimes it’s proving to Facebook that that person died and their page should be archived. In addition, multiple tribute pages can pop up...
Friend Grief and…Valentine’s Day?
Feb 10, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Good. I got your attention.Valentine’s Day is certainly not a day we associate with friends. It’s one designed to guilt-trip us into spending lots of money on flowers, candy, dinner, lingerie, etc. to share with a romantic partner. Friends? Not so much.I remember when I was younger, that I hated the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. The holidays were all about families, and I was single. The last holiday was the worst, because the expectations were so ridiculously unrealistic. So let’s ignore all the hype and guilt and consider our friends.I don’t know about you, but I found 2014 to be an unusually challenging year. So did a lot of my friends. Relationships, finances, health, or a combination of...
The Story of a Pink Cloud – Guest Blogger Rebecca Bricker
Feb 03, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Rebecca BrickerMy friendship with Rebecca Bricker is like many of those in the 21st century: online. We met four years ago (time flies when you’re having fun). We’ve never met in real life, though she may meet my daughter soon.The story of how she wound up living in Tuscany is both funny and compelling. No, she’s not the author of Under the Tuscan Sun, but her Tales from Tavanti is every bit as entertaining.If you’re like me, certain things will trigger the memory of a friend who died. For example, whenever I see a steel-grey PT Cruiser, I assume it’s Delle behind the wheel. Rebecca Bricker has a very deliberate ritual to ensure that she’ll remember.My thanks to Rebecca for...
Friend Grief and Shaming
Jan 27, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Nicholas Kristof - NY TimesI’m not sure when it began, this need to feel morally superior. But we see it everywhere. “My beliefs/race/gender/income/profession make me better than you” permeates our society. And sadly, we even see it when we grieve our friends.Perhaps it’s as simple as a need to find a logical explanation for something that doesn’t make sense. Assigning blame makes us feel a little better about what happened. Some of the responses I’ve heard when sharing the news of a friend’s death are:“A bodybuilder? Steroids, huh?”“Melanoma? Did they go to tanning salons a lot?”“Heart attack? Well, they were overweight.”“AIDS? They must’ve slept around.”Your first reaction may be to dispute their assumptions. Or you may feel ashamed that they...
Celebrating Your Friends
Jan 09, 2015 by Victoria Noe
There was supposed to be a party today.“I want to make it to 90,” Pierre told me when he was 88. His parents had only lived to their 70s, but others in his family had lived longer.“We should have a party,” I suggested. He liked that idea. I mean, if you’re going to live that long, you deserve a celebration. “You could have dancing girls.”His eyes lit up. He liked that idea, too. We never had a chance to discuss details. Pierre died last January, a short time after his 89th birthday.We don’t always remember our friends on their birthdays. Sometimes we remember them on the day they died. November 22 is the day we remember President John F. Kennedy,...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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