Blog
The End. But Not The End.
Apr 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
There it is. Yeah, the cover of the final book in the Friend Grief series.
Do I like it? Oh, yeah, I like it a lot. My cover designer (Rebecca Swift) never steers me wrong.
But still...it's the last one. It's the last book in the series. I'm about to hit "send" on the final edits, so next week it goes to the formatter. I had planned on it coming out this month, but the universe conspired against me. It'll be out in early May.
The end of the series does not mean the end of my weekly blog. Not by a long shot. I still have plenty to say about grieving the death of a friend. And to be honest, it's not...
Do I like it? Oh, yeah, I like it a lot. My cover designer (Rebecca Swift) never steers me wrong.
But still...it's the last one. It's the last book in the series. I'm about to hit "send" on the final edits, so next week it goes to the formatter. I had planned on it coming out this month, but the universe conspired against me. It'll be out in early May.
The end of the series does not mean the end of my weekly blog. Not by a long shot. I still have plenty to say about grieving the death of a friend. And to be honest, it's not...
Working on Two Books at Once
Apr 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
winghill.com
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
(Or, "Who Thought That Was a Good Idea?")
Someone asked me recently what I was working on, and after I answered, he said “You’re working on two books at once?” I’m not sure if he was impressed or horrified.
I am working on two books. I have been for months. And while they are very different, I’m not sure I’d recommend it to any of my writer friends. It’s exhausting. The only saving grace, I think, is that I have not been doing the same thing with each book.
The first one – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is in the final stages. I’ve been deep in the editing for the past few weeks, deleting and adding...
Men Need a Language to Grieve
Apr 12, 2016 by Victoria Noe
The late Steve Montador, whose suicide inspired his friend.
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
In her book, When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can Help, Dr. Elizabeth Levang suggests that men lack a language for grief. Literally.
I’m old enough to remember when Jackie Kennedy was criticized for not crying in public after her husband’s assassination. Women are expected to cry, wail, talk about their loss. She didn’t, and her behavior was looked at as unfeeling. That she was recuperating from the trauma of seeing her husband shot dead in front of her was not necessarily a good excuse. Her insistence on soldiering on, keeping commitments, and doing everything with remarkable self-control and grace was not the type of...
Finishing Up Friend Grief
Apr 05, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Jim Eigo, one of the men in the final Friend Grief book
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
I hope you enjoyed my four amazing guest bloggers last month: Nancy Duncan, Rosa E. Martinez-Colon, Eileen Dreyer and Andrea Johnson. Their perspectives as straight women in the AIDS community were unique and inspiring. If you missed any of their stories, I hope you will check them out. They’re just a sample of the formidable women you’ll meet in Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. (By the way, you can support the extensive research for the book here.)
In a few weeks, the final book in the Friend Grief series will launch – Friend Grief and Men: Defying...
Women's History Month - Andrea Johnson
Mar 29, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Andrea Johnson
My final guest blogger for Women’s History Month is Andrea Johnson. As is often the case, we’ve never met IRL (in real life) but our paths have crossed. She found out she was HIV positive in 2007, when she was tested after learning of her ex-husband’s affair. Isolated and depressed, she made the decision to devote her life to reaching out to women most at risk or living with HIV. You will not find a more passionate advocate.
“How do I LOVE a woman living with HIV without acquiring HIV?”
It’s a question I get all too often from men that are HIV negative that find out a woman he may be interested in is HIV positive,...
My final guest blogger for Women’s History Month is Andrea Johnson. As is often the case, we’ve never met IRL (in real life) but our paths have crossed. She found out she was HIV positive in 2007, when she was tested after learning of her ex-husband’s affair. Isolated and depressed, she made the decision to devote her life to reaching out to women most at risk or living with HIV. You will not find a more passionate advocate.
“How do I LOVE a woman living with HIV without acquiring HIV?”
It’s a question I get all too often from men that are HIV negative that find out a woman he may be interested in is HIV positive,...
Women's History Month - Eileen Dreyer
Mar 22, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Eileen Dreyer
I’ve known Eileen Dreyer since the Beatles were still together, so that’s a long time; in fact, we saw them perform. While I was raising money for AIDS organizations in the late 80s and early 90s in Chicago, she was on the front lines in St. Louis. The anger is still there, as it is for many of us. Her story continues Women’s History Month:
I hadn't realized how angry I still was until I watched The Normal Heart. Seething angry, unresolved angry. Wishing there were someone I could scream at angry. Because I was there. I saw the beginning of the epidemic. And I'm not sure I'll forgive us for how we faced it.
I worked...
I’ve known Eileen Dreyer since the Beatles were still together, so that’s a long time; in fact, we saw them perform. While I was raising money for AIDS organizations in the late 80s and early 90s in Chicago, she was on the front lines in St. Louis. The anger is still there, as it is for many of us. Her story continues Women’s History Month:
I hadn't realized how angry I still was until I watched The Normal Heart. Seething angry, unresolved angry. Wishing there were someone I could scream at angry. Because I was there. I saw the beginning of the epidemic. And I'm not sure I'll forgive us for how we faced it.
I worked...
Women’s History Month – Rosa E. Martinez Colon
Mar 15, 2016 by Victoria Noe
I had to go Washington, DC for the US Conference on AIDS last September to meet the amazing Rosa E. Martinez-Colon. If she looks familiar, it’s because we led a lively discussion on women and AIDS on World AIDS Day at Women & Children First bookstore in Chicago. This is her story:
I remember the first time I heard about AIDS was around 1984 or so; I was still living in Puerto Rico. A neighborhood friend who was an injection drug user died after a short stay in the hospital. The rumor spread rapidly that he had “died of AIDS” – “se murió de SIDA”. Soon after, a couple other neighbors died as well; coincidentally they were either sexual partners or...
I remember the first time I heard about AIDS was around 1984 or so; I was still living in Puerto Rico. A neighborhood friend who was an injection drug user died after a short stay in the hospital. The rumor spread rapidly that he had “died of AIDS” – “se murió de SIDA”. Soon after, a couple other neighbors died as well; coincidentally they were either sexual partners or...
Women's History Month - Nancy Duncan
Mar 08, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Nancy Duncan
For Women’s History Month I’m sharing stories from women in the AIDS community. First up is Nancy Duncan, who I had the pleasure of meeting through ACT UP/NY. She is long-term survivor, an inspiration and a friend. My thanks to her for sharing her story.
Being a heterosexual woman in the early days of HIV/AIDS was very different than now. I’m 58 years old and have been living with HIV for going on 31 years. I was first diagnosed in 1990, infected by having unprotected sex with a man who didn’t know he was HIV+. I’d walked around for five years not knowing because I had no symptoms.
I didn't know anyone else who was living with...
For Women’s History Month I’m sharing stories from women in the AIDS community. First up is Nancy Duncan, who I had the pleasure of meeting through ACT UP/NY. She is long-term survivor, an inspiration and a friend. My thanks to her for sharing her story.
Being a heterosexual woman in the early days of HIV/AIDS was very different than now. I’m 58 years old and have been living with HIV for going on 31 years. I was first diagnosed in 1990, infected by having unprotected sex with a man who didn’t know he was HIV+. I’d walked around for five years not knowing because I had no symptoms.
I didn't know anyone else who was living with...
Women's History Month
Mar 01, 2016 by Victoria Noe
With ETAF Ambassador Kate Burton at AIDS Watch
March is Women’s History Month and I decided to turn over my blog to a few women who will be in my book Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community.
During the next four weeks (because there are five Tuesdays in March) you’ll meet four women. Some of them worked in the AIDS community in the early days. Some are active now in a variety of roles. Some are HIV+, some are not.
What you’ll learn may surprise you, because the role of straight women in the history of the epidemic is not one that’s widely known. In fact, “role” is a bit misleading.
They/we stepped...
March is Women’s History Month and I decided to turn over my blog to a few women who will be in my book Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community.
During the next four weeks (because there are five Tuesdays in March) you’ll meet four women. Some of them worked in the AIDS community in the early days. Some are active now in a variety of roles. Some are HIV+, some are not.
What you’ll learn may surprise you, because the role of straight women in the history of the epidemic is not one that’s widely known. In fact, “role” is a bit misleading.
They/we stepped...
"He's A Man"
Feb 23, 2016 by Victoria Noe
worldtraveltribe.com
Vice President Joe Biden has long been known as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Sometimes that results in public statements that are uncensored. You rarely get the feeling with him that his speeches are canned, rehearsed, carefully vetted. That can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your politics.
Author Mark Liebenow wrote recently about why Biden’s public grief about his son was important. Of the five reasons he gave, the first was of great interest to me:
“He’s a man.”
The final book in the Friend Grief series comes out in April. Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes will introduce you to a lot of guys like Joe Biden. They are a wide...
Vice President Joe Biden has long been known as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Sometimes that results in public statements that are uncensored. You rarely get the feeling with him that his speeches are canned, rehearsed, carefully vetted. That can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your politics.
Author Mark Liebenow wrote recently about why Biden’s public grief about his son was important. Of the five reasons he gave, the first was of great interest to me:
“He’s a man.”
The final book in the Friend Grief series comes out in April. Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes will introduce you to a lot of guys like Joe Biden. They are a wide...
How to Remember Them
Feb 16, 2016 by Victoria Noe
It’s award season. There’s one thing that every show includes (besides the pre-show red carpet extravaganza).
The “In Memoriam” segment.
Some people take that as their cue to get up and go the bathroom or get more snacks. Others are glued to the TV, wincing as each familiar face appears on the screen.
If you feel like this segment is getting longer, you’re not alone. So many celebrities – legends in the arts communities – died in the past year. Everyone from Louis Jourdan to Alan Rickman, Glenn Frey to Leslie Gore, in what feels like a never-ending list.
That pause in each awards ceremony to honor those who have died is largely uncontroversial. But after the Grammy’s last night, the Twitterverse lit...
The “In Memoriam” segment.
Some people take that as their cue to get up and go the bathroom or get more snacks. Others are glued to the TV, wincing as each familiar face appears on the screen.
If you feel like this segment is getting longer, you’re not alone. So many celebrities – legends in the arts communities – died in the past year. Everyone from Louis Jourdan to Alan Rickman, Glenn Frey to Leslie Gore, in what feels like a never-ending list.
That pause in each awards ceremony to honor those who have died is largely uncontroversial. But after the Grammy’s last night, the Twitterverse lit...
A Different Kind of Writer's Block
Feb 09, 2016 by Victoria Noe
writing.inside.tru.ca
Most writers lead lives that are shockingly normal. They work at jobs to pay their bills, they carpool, they take care of aging parents, they do their taxes. It’s not surprising that after everyone else is asleep, they sit down at their computer and stare at the screen. They’re exhausted – mentally and physically – too exhausted to think of anything to write that deserves to see the light of day. Classic writer’s block.
I don’t have that kind of problem. My writer’s block is something completely different.
Seven years ago St. Patrick’s Day, I was in a minor fender-bender (an RV rear-ended a jeep that rear-ended me). It happens so often driving in the city that at...
Most writers lead lives that are shockingly normal. They work at jobs to pay their bills, they carpool, they take care of aging parents, they do their taxes. It’s not surprising that after everyone else is asleep, they sit down at their computer and stare at the screen. They’re exhausted – mentally and physically – too exhausted to think of anything to write that deserves to see the light of day. Classic writer’s block.
I don’t have that kind of problem. My writer’s block is something completely different.
Seven years ago St. Patrick’s Day, I was in a minor fender-bender (an RV rear-ended a jeep that rear-ended me). It happens so often driving in the city that at...
The Show Must Go On
Feb 03, 2016 by Victoria Noe
Coming from a theatre background, I learned early on that ‘the show must go on’. Once I had a severe allergic reaction a few hours before going onstage. I made it through the show, though I couldn’t sing worth a damn.
If you watched the amazing live production of Grease that aired Sunday night, you probably heard about Vanessa Hudgens, who played Rizzo: her father died less than 24 hours before the broadcast. She went on as scheduled and the whole show was dedicated to him.
Less than a week after my father died, I was 400 miles away making a presentation at a national conference. I didn’t want to be there. The organizers assured me I didn’t have to be there....
Less than a week after my father died, I was 400 miles away making a presentation at a national conference. I didn’t want to be there. The organizers assured me I didn’t have to be there....
Time for an Update!
Jan 26, 2016 by Victoria Noe
It’s time for a bit of an update:
First, I’ve set a tentative release date of April 12 for the final book in my series, Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes. I’m very pleased with the way it’s shaping up and I think you will be, too. If you subscribe to my weekly newsletter, you’re eligible to receive a free copy. Just sign up in the upper right hand corner of this page.
Once that’s released, the entire Friend Grief series of six books will be available in a bundle.
I have two events coming up in February. In Chicago I’ll be presenting “Public Speaking for Shy Authors” for the Chicago Self-Publishing Meetup Group. I’m also one of the speakers for “The Library...
Giving a Eulogy for a Friend
Jan 19, 2016 by Victoria Noe
In the final book in my series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – you’ll meet a man who gave the eulogy for his best friend. Neither man was old. In fact, both were 29. It wasn’t a task anyone expects to be given at that age.
I’m quite a bit older than that but it’s been a while since I spoke at a funeral or memorial service: almost eleven years. So I didn’t expect to be asked to speak at the memorial for my writing group leader, Jo Stewart. I’d already written about her here, a post that her daughter shared on Facebook. That was that, I thought. Then I got the email inviting me to speak. We agreed...
I’m quite a bit older than that but it’s been a while since I spoke at a funeral or memorial service: almost eleven years. So I didn’t expect to be asked to speak at the memorial for my writing group leader, Jo Stewart. I’d already written about her here, a post that her daughter shared on Facebook. That was that, I thought. Then I got the email inviting me to speak. We agreed...
Respecting a Dying Friend's Wishes
Jan 13, 2016 by Victoria Noe
David Bowie's final photo by Jeremy King
Unless you were in a cave on Monday, you heard of the unexpected death of David Bowie. Though he wasn’t one of my top ten favorite performers, I respected his talent and unconventional approach to his craft. “Did you like David Bowie?” I was asked. “Which one?” I replied. He was fearless in his artistic pursuits and, as it turned out, his death.
He did something that I’ve discussed here before. I asked several friends if they would tell me if they were dying. Most said they would. Some said absolutely not and refused to elaborate. Surprisingly, no one asked me (that’s a topic for a future post).
It was his decision...
Unless you were in a cave on Monday, you heard of the unexpected death of David Bowie. Though he wasn’t one of my top ten favorite performers, I respected his talent and unconventional approach to his craft. “Did you like David Bowie?” I was asked. “Which one?” I replied. He was fearless in his artistic pursuits and, as it turned out, his death.
He did something that I’ve discussed here before. I asked several friends if they would tell me if they were dying. Most said they would. Some said absolutely not and refused to elaborate. Surprisingly, no one asked me (that’s a topic for a future post).
It was his decision...
My Writing Teacher
Jan 05, 2016 by Victoria Noe
My writing group - Jo on the left
I took this picture of my writing group a few years ago. I was the youngest in the group, by about two decades, though you couldn’t tell based on the energy during those meetings.
In the fall of 2006, I signed up for a Life Story Writing class at Swedish Covenant Hospital here in Chicago. My father had died the year before, and I wanted help preserving family stories. I didn’t consider myself a writer (still don’t on some days). A few months earlier I’d promised my friend Delle that I’d write a book about people grieving their friends, but I wasn’t convinced it would ever happen.
Almost everyone there was...
I took this picture of my writing group a few years ago. I was the youngest in the group, by about two decades, though you couldn’t tell based on the energy during those meetings.
In the fall of 2006, I signed up for a Life Story Writing class at Swedish Covenant Hospital here in Chicago. My father had died the year before, and I wanted help preserving family stories. I didn’t consider myself a writer (still don’t on some days). A few months earlier I’d promised my friend Delle that I’d write a book about people grieving their friends, but I wasn’t convinced it would ever happen.
Almost everyone there was...
Putting 2015 to Bed
Dec 22, 2015 by Victoria Noe
batangamedia.com
In the newspaper world, “putting to bed” means finishing something and moving on to the next level. Today is my final blog post of 2015, so I thought it was appropriate to put the year to bed and look ahead, too.
You probably make a list of resolutions each New Year’s, only to realize the list is largely undone by the time Christmas rolls around again. I know that’s true for me. Sometimes we’re overly optimistic; sometimes we’re delusional. And sometimes life just gets in the way.
This year marked a few serious changes of direction, most of them planned and thought-out. I committed to changes in my marketing: increased public speaking and more deliberate involvement in the...
In the newspaper world, “putting to bed” means finishing something and moving on to the next level. Today is my final blog post of 2015, so I thought it was appropriate to put the year to bed and look ahead, too.
You probably make a list of resolutions each New Year’s, only to realize the list is largely undone by the time Christmas rolls around again. I know that’s true for me. Sometimes we’re overly optimistic; sometimes we’re delusional. And sometimes life just gets in the way.
This year marked a few serious changes of direction, most of them planned and thought-out. I committed to changes in my marketing: increased public speaking and more deliberate involvement in the...
Friend Grief and Men (ACT UP Edition)
Dec 15, 2015 by Victoria Noe
Jim Eigo receiving his award from Stephen Spinella
One of the men you’ll meet in the final book of my series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is Jim Eigo.
When I walked into my first ACT UP/NY meeting almost three years ago, Jim was the guy who waved me over to an empty chair in the circle. That kindness morphed into a friendship I treasure.
He has a long resume, which I’m sure was recounted when he was honored at Treatment Action Group’s (TAG) Research in Action Awards on Sunday night in New York. Playwright, editor, writer, activist: words that cannot convey the depth of his talent and commitment to fighting the epidemic that is now...
One of the men you’ll meet in the final book of my series – Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes – is Jim Eigo.
When I walked into my first ACT UP/NY meeting almost three years ago, Jim was the guy who waved me over to an empty chair in the circle. That kindness morphed into a friendship I treasure.
He has a long resume, which I’m sure was recounted when he was honored at Treatment Action Group’s (TAG) Research in Action Awards on Sunday night in New York. Playwright, editor, writer, activist: words that cannot convey the depth of his talent and commitment to fighting the epidemic that is now...
CrowdFunding Isn't Only About Money
Dec 08, 2015 by Victoria Noe
leardon.com
My own crowdfunding campaign began this time last week on RocketHub, to support research expenses for my book Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. So I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far:
Running a crowdfunding campaign is hard work. I knew, thanks to the detailed training materials from RocketHub and New York Foundation for the Arts, that a lot of planning goes into a successful crowdfunding campaign. I took time to set up the campaign itself – timeline, incentives, etc. – and began posting on social media before it began. Every day I thank donors on the site, as well as Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn and various pages...
My own crowdfunding campaign began this time last week on RocketHub, to support research expenses for my book Fag Hags, Divas and Moms: The Legacy of Straight Women in the AIDS Community. So I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far:
Running a crowdfunding campaign is hard work. I knew, thanks to the detailed training materials from RocketHub and New York Foundation for the Arts, that a lot of planning goes into a successful crowdfunding campaign. I took time to set up the campaign itself – timeline, incentives, etc. – and began posting on social media before it began. Every day I thank donors on the site, as well as Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn and various pages...
Author photo by Alina Oswald
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